franceszzy

[franceszzy]

[franceszzy]

Follow my insta @n3tt.y for more ✨✨✨⭐️

[franceszzy]

“And so it seems I must always write you letters that I can never send.”

— Sylvia Plath; The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[franceszzy]

And here we go again.

[franceszzy]

May 4, 2018

Today is the last day of our lecture classes as undergrad students. Our last professor for our very last subject sealed the class off with a 30-item quiz. Went to church after class, attended the training for Pautakan 2018 and went home to nap. I woke up around 9pm-ish already and it was almost 10pm when Claud asked us (ben, jane, betts, xander and I) to have a coffee in SB Morato. Sadly, they made plans already or was too tired to get up. But I was really up for such spontaneous trips so I asked Klein and turned out Claud also asked Klein already. So yes, we left at 11 and decided to go to SB Harbour square somewhere near Manila Bay for a new vibe. We got our drinks and just had a mini Q&A and talked about our lives. Hehe. Claud, out of nowhere or probably out of her clinginess came up with an idea of making a friendship pact, that however busy we get, we’ll meet each other yearly on Mays. We went home around 2am. Hayyy I wrote a lot already but truth is, I have no words on how blessed and grateful and lucky and happy I am to have these 2 (and the rest of my high maintenance crew) as my college constants. Why is it that it is only when it’s about to end, that we realize how much we really have, that we become this super close and clingy with each other? No amount of time could ever be enough to be with these people. I wish we have more time together. I will miss these people so much. Just so much. Lord, thank You for giving me them. Please bless our friendship because I cannot afford to lose precious people like them. 

[franceszzy]

Finally

Several months ago, I was at that point in life where I was stuck – waiting, hoping and wishing for something that was never going to be mine.  It was not easy recovering from someone you never had in the first place. Starting, for me was the most difficult part I’ll admit. How do you ever start moving on from someone when there was never an us to begin with? It was just so sudden to be emotionally invested in this person with no turning back.  Another part I found difficult in this journey was because we were really close friends, legit. It felt like it’s destroying me every time he reaches out because seeing him is a reminder of what we’ll never be. It’s the kind of pain you will not want to wish to happen to anyone – the kind of pain that consumes you indescribably. I guess I will not be able to count how many times I suppressed the idea of him, the times I conquered the urge to reply to his messages when he reaches out or the times I say no to him.

 But finally, I thank the good Lord, I survived and I am moving forward with big steps. Life is really magical. Months from now, I thought I won’t be able to survive seeing him or being with him or whatsoever but hey look. I am at my happiest. The journey was not easy, I repeat. There were days when I thought I was almost there and days that make me start all over again because I gave in again. Then I realize I need to take my time and endure the pain and every feeling that comes with it. I went out with my closest friends, cooked for my family, spent time with Cancervants, shopped, invested in skincare, tried different cuisines and so much more. Doing such, it hit me that there is so much more to life than waiting. I finally came to my senses that I am enough, my family and friends are enough and the rest of what I have are enough. From then on, I was at my happiest knowing that I have done my best and now, I’m leaving it all to God – the true holder of destiny and fate. I knew every step was worth it because it made me more complete – a better version of myself, stronger, braver, happier and kinder. 

[franceszzy]

For three days, I was at my happiest, my bravest and my free-est. 

This retreat had been so meaningful for me and my section. During these days, we were able to set free the anguish, hatred, burden, bad memories hidden deep within us. Together with those, we have finally let go of the words we’ve always wanted to say to each other. I realized life is too short to be keep your feelings for someone, to be silent about something that’s been haunting you for too long, to ignore what’s been bothering you for weeks or months, and to keep you from saying kind words to others. If you are looking for the time for these, the time is NOW. It’s really amazing how this time seemed so perfectly timed and made for us. It was on a Valentines day and an Ash Wednesday which made it perfect for exchange of words and for reflecting and praying to God. 

Before, I’ve always see our sections’s unity as something superficial, something incomplete. But during and after the retreat, it opened my eyes to a whole new bunch of people. This time, united, one, at peace with each other, happy, renewed, closer, more in love with each other and so many more. I am at a loss for words. I just love this section so much it feels like family.

Also, these days, I have finally told him what I’ve always wanted to say, what I truly feel. And it really made me at peace and happy. Thank you, Caleruega! You were amazing.

[franceszzy]

One step at a time

It’s been a week since I’ve read your message. My heart, for a moment went tachycardic as the world seemed to stop as I saw your name. I never thought you will reply, but you did and I could not tell if this was a curse or a blessing reading your message. I wanted to scream and cry out loud or punch you or hug you. After sending you mine, I know I was over you. But how come you can still give me that same feeling whenever I see your name? When I look at you? When you look at me? When you talk to me? No matter how hard I try to keep it, it still shows and I am sorry. In case it isn’t still obvious, I am still not over you. For some time, I am still wondering why He made us cross paths. I am still confused and frustrated, hoping that sooner or later I will understand His reason. Sometimes, I would also ask Him; why you? I know someday, I'll know it. From then, I will be just hanging like this – moving forward one step at a time.

[franceszzy]

[franceszzy]

[franceszzy]

[franceszzy]

9th out of 10 semesters

It has been the most dreading, exhausting, consuming, stressful, difficult, emotional, breaking, ambivalent semester so far. I didnt know I had these tons of energy to be drained by this sem. On our first day, I was so hopeful and determined to change my habits. I promised I’ll be taking down notes on every subject fervently, make reviewers and be organized but I was only good at the beginning. Quizzes, homeworks, examinations, deadlines, THESIS piled up on my to-do-list and that’s when I knew I’m dead. Aside from these academic stuff, I also had my personal breakdowns. Having to endure almost everyday seeing someone hurting you, the expectations from people, and some haters, what more could this universe throw on me? I was so close to giving up but despite so many emotional breakdowns that came my way, I stood still, faking it til I made it. Yes, I made it and I couldnt have made it without my friends, family, and self. Im just really grateful I have my small circle of friends who’s always been there, cheering me up and pushing me to do my best. It was also a good thing that my mom came home to be with me which instantly motivated me. It was a blessing to end this sem with my blockmates and my person. Nonetheless, this semester had taught me so many lessons. Blessings on blessing on blessings came as well. Second semester, I will bounce back!

[franceszzy]

Happier, braver, more hopeful and grateful on my 20th.

12.08.17

[franceszzy]

[franceszzy]

After almost a year of research, finally we have defended our thesis with flying colors! Beyond grateful to our thesis adviser, Sir Gian Torres; Maam Rebueno and Sir Janrei. Plus what a momentous day for me and Zandra, BFF goals achieved today. To God be the glory! 😌

[franceszzy]

Bamberg - Germany (by annajewels) 

https://www.instagram.com/annajewels/

[franceszzy]