foxmanlyman

[foxmanlyman]

2020s in my 20s : 3am Reflecting

A lot's happened since the beginning of COVID. Even though its so quiet here right now, only the noise of a fan and the ever-running faucet in the bathtub that may never get fixed being my BGM.

Its hard to really process everything - the good, the bad, the mediocre, and things just perpetually continue to happen that keep coursing my life to focus differently than where I thought I would be now.

All the trauma's been eating me up inside along with newfound agoraphobia type feelings uprising. The outdoors hasn't really been fun at all, but now its gotten to the point where I need to force myself to sleep on a train to relax or bus, keep breathing and not focus too hard on the people or things around me.

With the agoraphobic stuff happening, I really started to enjoy traveling. I got to meet my longtime friend I've known and travel to the West Coast. I like the East Coast more, but was very relaxed and calm and happy. Especially wanted to steal their dogs - but I restrained and instead took a million pictures of the beans.

Also found a black cat I'm calling Smokey. He's been a scaredy hissy baby, but recently started sitting visibly, interacting with our other cat, and stealing catnip silvervine stuffs under our noses. He's a goober.

I really just need to keep drilling into myself that I can't give up and keep getting drained by things I cannot control and can't give into the trauma circle. That this is going to end soon, it's going to be okay.

I just really hope it's going to be okay. I've been saying this since the Pandemic started, we lost our house and then apartment, things have been so uncertain and haphazard, and through sheer luck I seem to still be alive, well. We just need to keep going...

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

July Pitstop

2023 has been nothing short of surprises - mostly good, some bad. It's been very eye-opening. The PTSD hasn't gone away, but I think that's okay. I won't lie that it's felt strange. I don't think my parents, or parental-like figures could imagine someone like me just kinda being on my own. And without my sister or my plushie I had gotten from my Uncle, it's been tough sometimes to make it through dark moments.

I haven't been waking up in a panic or to yelling, and walking late at night alone has become one of peace instead of insane anxiety that it was before. The job I have at the moment made me meet a lot of cool people, and others I could consider now friends. There's still some other amazing friends too, both close-by and now long distance that have been supportive and awesome, but I just don't want to be a burden to anyone or bring them down. I want at least the end of this year to end in some phrase that ends on a positive note.

I got to see some of my old students' work before they graduated as a part of a film festival they were having, went down memory lane in a day that left me both empty and full, got to finally make a comeback on set and do some grip and electric work. Got to celebrate Pride, work on my Streaming (then had to switch for VODs because of some issues with the internet so far).... Things are happening. Maybe I'm just overstimulated and overwhelmed by it all.

And well, though my Depression's worsened a lot more than I wanted it to, everything else makes me feel happy. The animals that come by bring me hope to just try to wake up another day, the silence prompts me to write more. Just gotta get to tomorrow, that's the goal.

[foxmanlyman]

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going or what is going to happen and become of me. Gonna keep going for at least a month more and see what's up.

[foxmanlyman]

Cowardice

In many anime and manga, the struggling protagonists and supporting cast always tugged on my heart. Pho in Houseki no Kuni constantly battling themselves and the world around them, Lain from Serial Experiments Lain questioning the reality around them, Shinji from Evangelion that won't go in the mech for the thousanth time. In cases like with Pho, a lot of growth occurs to the character and multiple stages. Even with so much change, however, Pho retains their extremely emotional state.

In the most recent anime and manga I've read, Alien Nine, the main protagonist is a crybaby coward that is so scared and fearful of a job she needs to do: kill aliens. Yuri is voted to become a member of the Alien Party that captures (and kills) aliens that invade the school, and even when death is right in front of her, she cries. She has nightmares constantly of events, she is always afraid of the situation. In even the weird third addition into the manga series, her clone of herself seemed to still want to very much protect her friends, but still was afraid or unsure of how to do that.

When I try to make my own characters, I feel I make them in a similar way that people would probably find annoying or disturbing in roleplays and storymaking. And when I think of the reason why I like these characters and writing sad stories and tales like these, I have to pause and breathe. Crying was considered childish, but I remember I cried all the time and to be honest, I still do, and the cries only became heavier as I continue to grow up today.

Afraid of the changes that are continuously getting thrown at me and having to deal with it, while feeling like I have to be "likeable" or "enough" for people. I looked down on characters like Shinji because I saw them as despicable or pitiful, then realize that there's multiple shards that I have in my character. That I'm as much as a coward as them, and that I disliked that part of myself.

I feel laying here as I did in that ER room. My mind never stopped running through the hiatus of movement. The hiatus of family, the distancing of intense emotions, and the constant dance with danger. Maybe a part of me hopes, just like in that moment, to make a mess again. To have nobody else around and just have this mess end. This consant feeling of not feeling better or good enough, this continuous "I want to help who I love" and "I can't do this" "I've made a mess," makes me no better than any of these characters people look down on so much.

There's catharsis with me with them, and just seeing them keep just being here. Just still being here through the turmoil and insanity, through the abandonment and deaths - somehow, it just makes the darkness fade just a little bit.

[foxmanlyman]

Madotsuki giphy stickers for you to use on messages, Snapchat, or Instagram stories, find them with the # “yumenikki”

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

Drew #COMPASS Voidoll on Splatoon 2

[foxmanlyman]

I started to stream again!

Since I have more liberty to do things I would like to do, I am going to stick to my schedule for streaming! I'm using a PNGtuber since Kitsu is precious to me and a character, and wanted to do something to get acclimated into streaming. If you're ever around to watch, come check out the Kitsu289 stream on twitch!

[foxmanlyman]

Trauma's One Hell of a Drug

It took a terrifying experience and health complications to make me sit down and analyze everything that's been going on, for better and worse. Everything just seems so strange now, but right now... today.... I'm at least able to say I've been super relaxed.

No fighting, no yelling. No existential crisis every Thursday.

My overworking tendencies are still there, but now more for editing and cleaning around the place and taking care of the animals. The stress and anxiety, the loneliness that had lingered for a long time while I was at work is gone now that, well... I'm not there. I miss working, but I don't miss working in that environment.

Though I still have a lot of healing to do, both mentally emotionally and physically, I'm at least happy to be able to have a change of experience and pace and hope that this can continue for just a little bit longer.

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

Things have been strange.

Heya, long time no see again. Gonna be a bit of a dump, apologies ;v;

I finished work as a teacher assistant again recently, and I can't help but feel relieved and exhausted from the chaos and insane amount of stress that this year had brought to the school. The lonliness felt overbearing this year so far- yet at the same time I wasn't alone. It's that... strangeness I wish I could kind of detail more other than "I used to be x, now I'm always tired and depressed." Things I was looking forward to just... was ok I guess.

I've re-focused a lot of my energy on people who actually care about me since I found myself trying to hold onto people simply because I felt alone. Those friends and family member helped me out big time to just do something that wasn't work and made me have fond moments I want to cherish while moving on from the chaos and darkness of these past years and I love those guys to death.

I don't really know what else to do other than to try to not overwork myself (+ therapy)- turned overworking into a coping mechanism and that was a pretty bad idea. Burnt out a bunch especially nearing the ending. Had long strings of anxiety at work, paranoia and stuffs. Skipped eating because the nausea was too intense. It just got pretty bad and overthinking things was going to hit hard.

So, this summer I'm gonna just focus on some stuff like art, writing, finishing a few scripts and see where I land eventually in a few weeks and just keep going.

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

[foxmanlyman]

Animation (Kinda daily) so far

Heya, I want to do more positive things and learn more, so I'm going to do a buncha animation (kinda) daily and work on just learning stuff more. This is what I've done so far!

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

[foxmanlyman]

Purr-fect Therapy

At my dad's job, there was a pregnant cat. She was feral but really sweet to my dad who fed her all the time and tried to get close to her. Turns out by him helping her out, she was able to trust him enough to just go into a holder.

From my home, to the shelter I volunteered at, and back to my home, her and one of her babies are now under the care of us! My older boy doesn't like them still, but it's been a process. They'll eventually become happy with each other or at least tolerant.

It's been awhile, but because of them I've been able to refocus myself and use my time for a better purpose. I'm super thankful to them and my dad who saved them and the shelter who helped us with the babies and caring for these precious beans.