foryoureyesdear

[foryoureyesdear]

October 16, 2024

Liam Payne died today.

I'm 24 going on 25 and my childhood is leaving me.

I'm more than just sad right now. I feel alot of things.

Instead of processing those things, I'm going to get drunk in the park with Raymond at Grand Army.

I remember the first time my virgin eyes laid witness upon One Direction. The year was 2011. We were at grandma Mary's house and Nylejah had let me steal her Mac laptop so I could scroll through her Tumblr (i didnt have my own laptop at the time).

Upon scrolling, i stumbled upon this music video that had 5 of the more glorious men (boys) I had ever seen up to that date. And they could sing! And they had cute smiles! And they were telling me I was beautiful.

Something chemically changed in my brain that day. Succumbing to my crush for white men maybe? IDK. But i do know that One Direction was a large part of my childhood. And one that I'm so thankful for. Their videos made me happy in a time that I didn't even really know what depression was, but I was experiencing.

With that. Thank you Liam. You contributed to that. And for some odd reason I'm sorry? Sorry about life ending early I guess? I didn't know you as a person, but as a figment of my childhood. And apart of that died today.

P.S. If anything happens like this happens to Miley Cyrus and she doesn't live forever, I fear I may fully crash out.

For your eyes only

[foryoureyesdear]

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Hello, I'm alive.

I forgot that I had a whole blog.

[foryoureyesdear]

Im gonna shuffle my giant playlist of every song i like and if the very first one that plays isnt exactly what i want to hear right this second im gna lose it

[foryoureyesdear]

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Pride has no place in the joy of sex.

[foryoureyesdear]

April 1st, 2024

The one thing I never want to forget? The feeling of my grandmothers skin. Mama's skin is smooth but somehow sticky?

It feels like soft leather. Aged, experienced, and still well taken care of. I've never felt it NOT be soft.

I love holding her hands, and I love holding her. I love my grandmother. Her and her soft leather skin.

[foryoureyesdear]

August 19, 2023

I don't really want to be friends with my best friend anymore.

We have such a good time together, then something just switches.

It's exhausting and I don't have it in me to try and figure out what it is.

But, It also doesn't feel right to keep cutting people out of my life. Then again, if I get hater/jealousy vibes from someone, why should I keep them around?

You know when you're talking and someone is looking at you talk, and you can almost see there disinterest, resentment, and envy on their face? I get that a lot from her.

Of course there's time's where I see love and admiration, but its less frequent then the later.

I was really enjoying this entire trip to Chicago that we took, good laughs, lots of drinking and jokes on the first night. Then today the energy shifted.

The put down jokes started (which aren't even funny because they're not told well.. at all), sarcasm, condescending tone, negative commentary, and lazy answers. Even typing that out I can feel myself becoming disgusted with the thought of it.

I'm tired of attracting these miserable and bitter people into my life. I want people who accepting my excitement and kindness. People who want to shine along side me and not above.

[foryoureyesdear]

June 20th, 2023

I’m so high right now. Well, not really THAT high but I’m high.

I’m on my way to Eddie's house in Philly. It mom’s birthday week so were spending a few days at his place to celebrate.

Mom was in such a bad mood for her birthday. Not angry, just miserable and depressed. I felt bad for her at first until she started to take it out on me. I don’t know if she does it intentionally or not but I’ve given her several opportunities to change, listen, and hear me out when I say that her negativity and her passive aggressiveness hurt my feelings. Maybe she’s too far in a state of depressiveness from the divorce.

I don’t know. I had a theory that she resents us for staying with dad for “her kids” only to have them resent her for staying with him in the first place.

I try not theorize. It does nothing for me but have my brain go a mile a minute, and give me fits of anxiety.

I’m looking forward to spending time with Eddie. I want to have fun with him. Some sober fun, some not so sober fun. But mostly sober fun. I jut want to talk to him without that wall that he puts up.

Anyways yeah, good times

[foryoureyesdear]

June 22, 2023

The few days I spent at eddies were nice. Mom was a little sad and locked herself away most of the time, but when she did spend time with us she was in such a great mood. I really appreciated that.

We were supposed to go out for dinner but it was rainy. So in stead we ordered burgers, fries, fried oreo’s etc. and stayed inside. We ordered from Oh Brother because they had a buy one get one deal. Those burgers were some of the best I’ve had... ever?

We watched Jury Duty too. It was nice that I picked a show that mom and eddie not only enjoyed but genuinely laughed at. It made me happy.

I worked while I was at eddie’s of course. I found out that not only am I going to b epicking up my managers work while she’s on parental leave, but someone from my team has quit, so we have to pick up more of her accounts.

I’m going to ask for a raise. I’m making just above the base salary for my position, understandably because I started with absolutely no experience. But, I’m knowledgeable now, I’m doing a lot more work than I should this soon in, and I’m producing good work. I would like to make within the 70k’s. Especially at a time when I’m being relied on most.

I like how this diary is a place for me to be honest about my feelings. I will make an  active effort to be as raw and honest  about what I’m feeling and thinking, evetime I write here. I’m doing it for you. I owe it to you. Know that you past and present self loved you enough to create this :)

For your eyes only

[foryoureyesdear]

June 19th, 2023

For your eyes only,

I am currently sitting in the Centurion Lounge at Charlotte, NC Airport. I just spent fathers day weekend with my Grandpa, Grandma, and Dad. It’s my mom’s birthday and I’m flying back to NY to spend time with her and my brother.

What a lovely weekend it was. Funny story, I flew into the wrong airport initially. I had to take an uber to a bus to a train, just to finally get within my grandparents reach to pick me up and bring me to their newly built home.I love their new home, not as much as I love their previous home in the Pocono of course. That house was everything. The smell, the homeiness, the clutter, the SIZE, the fun, the memories. We even had our hands imprinted into the walls of the house. How could I not mis it? It’s such a huge part of my youth. 

I wish I made more of an effort to go ee the house in it’s last days. Or I at least wish I knew the last time I was there, would actually be, the last time I was there.

Anyways I love their new house, It feels just like the one from my childhood, jut more intimate and less hectic. 

The first day I got in we just had wine and Cava for dinner and watched guess who’s coming to dinner. I loved it. Not the movie, but watching the movie with my grandparents and seeing how much they enjoyed it.

The second day, I got some work done, and then went to lounge by the pool with my grandma. Tan a bit, gossip a bit. Me and grandma always gossip, It’s a new thing we’ve developed since becoming not necessarily closer, but just honest and blunt with each other. We’ve kind of dropped the PC family bullshit between each other. It’s a nice feeling. It’s a recent development, 

After the movie and 6 glasses of wine later me and grandma stayed up late talking about family drama while grandpa went to bed. We both shared how important we thought it was that my dad and my grandad connect this weekend, considering the fact that they have not even each other in 4+ years. It was nice to be open with someone about this topic. Especially someone who spends everyday with my grandpa. It was refreshing to hear her perspective. She shared more of her life story. I shared some of mine. I told her I was proud to be her granddaughter, and I admired how much her and my grandpa have overcome in their lives. She shared how similar she thought my dad and grandpa are with heir parenting habits. I agreed.

At the end of the convo we both thanked each other for being o open and honest. She said something that really touched my heart. She said “thank you for that conversation and opening up, It makes me feel included, and I’ve never felt that completely in this family.” We hugged and said goodnight and I slept like a baby.

Third day we went to a spa, got a massage, had some thai food. A pretty chill day. 

I got in an argument with Josh, and that took up the remainder of my evening. In summary he had a huge night with his photography. Shooting one of his favorite artists. When he tried to tell me about it the next day I tried to speak positivity into his future in photography and he rejected it. We talked it out later, he explained how that’s his way of protecting himself from disappointment and I expressed how I speak life into situations because It’s the way I was raied, even if it is anxiety inducing. I love him. We have our arguments like any other couple, but out arguments are so passionate. They have love, confusion, hurt, curiosity, and worry behind them. Not a sliver of hate, anger, or vindictiveness.

The fourth day my dad came. I love seeing my dad. I don’t see him often these days. At first I was a bit frustrated with him. He was doing that thing where it seems like he’s only spending time with everyone, to tell others around him that he spends time with his family. Once I let go of that feeling and really looked at him, I could see a man who was exhausted, who made an effort to his family after non stop travel for work. A man so imperfect but makes and effort, In his own little fucked up way. I love my dad. As angry as I am with him for the past, I love him for the man that he tried to be. And the man that he still has the potential to be? I don’t know. But I cry like a baby after every time I see him recently. Hurt tears, but loving ones.

I asked my grand dad  to have a talk with my dad. A heart to heart. He said he would. Idk if he ended up doing it. But, I’m happy I made the effort to heal wounds between them. I t may help heal the wounds between me and my dad? Who knows.

We had Lobster and steak for fathers day. I baked a blueberry pie. It was okay to me, but everyone said they love it, so it was a success to me. We spent some time chatting reminiscing. 

Then we watched stand up comics. Such a Law family thing to do. We watched Katt Williams, Earthquake, and finished off with Richard Pryor. Such a good time and a good laugh.

Which brings us to the present. Today. I missed my first flight to NY and I’m waiting for my next. Hopefully my mom’s birthday goes well and he’s not too upset that I’m late.

[foryoureyesdear]

Men try to engrain in women’s minds that they want them to be quiet, polite, docile. That they are desirable if they behave and follow rules.

But they really crave a free woman. A free thinking woman who does what she wants. Who cares not about rules placed on her by society, but rules that she herself truly believes in. 

This comes not from a place of pride, not to encourage her, but to tame her.

[foryoureyesdear]

November 2, 2022

My mom said she loved me today and that she really appreciated me as her daughter.

I thought that would be a beautiful way to start off this journal.

Hello