forthisguycalledarol

[forthisguycalledarol]

Also!! Please don’t share this to anyone huhu. Even to your girl please. Maybe you don’t keep secrets from each other but PLEASEEEE. It’s like invading my head if you let her read this and aaaaa i don want that please. Just this one time oki hehe thank you!!!

In case you get confused: The first entry is at the most bottom part.

[forthisguycalledarol]

Came across this blog while I was deleting apps on my phone. And wow. Hahaha. I don’t know what to feel. I guess I’m a little bit sad but also thankful. We both wouldn’t be in our positions right now if everything didn’t happen the way it happened.

We never really talked about what happened. I tried reaching out, to officially put things to end or idk maybe just talk about what happened, but I guess you didn’t really need it. Looking at it now, I still don’t know how to feel to be honest. I’m caught between wanting an explanation just for being civil (I mean we were once friends, more than that even), AND not really needing an explanation because do I really need it anyway?? Hahahaha.

There are LOTS of questions in my mind still. And once in a while, you pass through my mind and I can’t help but question and wonder about what happened. You came home, we went on a date, and you made such a sweet declaration of your love to me, but I wasn’t ready at that time. I told you my reason. But still, you said, to let you. And so I agreed. You tried to reach out twice but I was in a dark place then so I didn’t really want to drag you there. But you were so amazing. I enjoyed our time together. You even picked me up from Antipolo!!! Hays. I felt so loved and cared back then. But I was also anxious meeting you because I was struggling. You were so perfect, literally the man I dreamed about, my ultimate crush for YEARS, and there I was, full on hating myself and just got out of a scandalous relationship. I was terrified and I didn’t want to spoil your vacation with me being the way I was then. And I guess you didn’t want that either because you disappeared. And the next thing I know, you’re with someone. I was shocked to say the least, hurt even. But don’t feel bad about it please. I don’t need your apology either because you don’t need to apologize for that. I am happy you found love at that time.

Lem, I am really happy for you. I muted your stories and posts on instagram way before, back when I was being a bitch and bitter about everything haha, but really, I am genuinely happy for you. I am also happy to report that I am too. And thank you, still, for everything.

I remember we talked about this blog of mine before and how I write about you from time to time. I told myself I’d only give the link to this to you once I’m certain that I am over us. I think I have been for a while now. I think you as well. (i actually forgot about this already hahaha)

You know about how lines are just made of points? We can put points everywhere to make lines meet. I think maybe we are just meant to be intersecting lines. We were given a chance to meet at one point of our lives, but we drifted off only to never have that point to meet again. Still, I am glad we got that one point hehe.

Thank you, Lem. For everything. Stay happy.

All the best,

Joy 😊

[forthisguycalledarol]

Funny how my last post was me saying that I'm keeping you cause right now I know that I'm losing you. And I'm not really doing anything about it--that's what's scaring me.

I'm really tired of this thing called love. No matter how cheesy that sounds, idc because I really am tired. It's not because of you and I know you know that. I'm just really tired of it all. I'm back at square one and it sucks. It sucks being in here. I keep on trying to get out but it's just so hard and I just keep on clinging to it. It's like, I hate feeling this way but I can't help but run back to it every chance I get. And I want to tell you all of this because I want to be honest with you but I can't help but think that it's not right to.

I'm just so so tired of all these emotions and all these drama. I'm so fucking tired and fed up that I just want it to end. I want some time to figure things out. To think. To take a breath and just forget about all of it for a while. I'm trying to save myself and I'm so sorry if it's slowly destroying us. I'm sorry.

[forthisguycalledarol]

Jeez. That was a long time since I last thought of writing about you. I had a dream about you last night and it was kind of a not okay dream. So I, naturally, want to talk about it here.

Well, the dream was about you coming back here in the Philippines. Us meeting. You realizing that I'm not that into you anymore. And that I am kind of starting to think about getting back together with Biboy. And your reaction was not good.

If it was 3 months ago, maybe that would be your reaction. But time sure does pass too soon. And maybe your feelings, and my feelings, did pass too. And I know the reason why.

I'm not going to blame you, because partly, I am to blame too. We fell apart. We started not talking to each other and gotten so used to it that we also started not to care anymore. I mean ofc I care about you, but I rlly don't care now if you don't talk to me like how you talk to me before.

I talked to you about this a couple of times before. That I don't really like not talking to each other. That if we're going to try, we should at least keep the communication because that's all we have. We can't meet up, we can't see each other in person, so talking is the best option that we got. And we did not do it. Right now, thinking about it, maybe the way you talked about liking me wasn't really that deep?? Maybe I just got confused because well, you sounded like you really liked me. Maybe that's how I sounded like too. And maybe we were both wrong? I mean if we did REALLY liked each other, and if we're REALLY into each other, we would have done something right?

I guess I'll never know ����‍♀️

[forthisguycalledarol]

I'm keeping you.

I mean, just until I get my license. I don't know if it's selfish and unfair to you, but I am really at lost on what to do. I want you. I really really do. But at the same time, I'm not really sure that I want to commit to you--but at the same time I don't want to lose you. Just the thought of you being with yet another girl haunts me. So I'm keeping you just until I can make a decision. Hang in there okay?

[forthisguycalledarol]

You make me smile so much my cheeks hurt.

[forthisguycalledarol]

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me vent out to you. I know you always say that's you're okay about me telling you my thoughts on moving on but I know it must be awkward or even hard for you. Still, you listen. Thank you. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your existence. Thank you for existing in this timeline, my timeline. Thank you for always being so eager in listening to all my problems.

I know I've said that I am really starting to appreciate you but this I still can't say: I am really beginning to consider my future with you. I know we like to joke about it but I really am thinking about it now. I hope you are too. I hope you're thinking about it too cause that would seriously make me very happy :)

[forthisguycalledarol]

I missed you. I missed your stories and how talkative you can be. I missed these early morning calls. I just missed you. Thank you for waking up early and calling. I appreciate it ❤️

[forthisguycalledarol]

So we are talking again. I mean it's not as much as before but at least the communication's back on again. Of course I was mad at you for ignoring for how many days, and I also could not keep myself from rolling my eyes at your explanation, but it's either accepting that or not talking to you again. Marupok ako eh so I picked the latter.

But this is more of a message for myself than for you.

I will not tolerate any more of this. That will be the last time that I will let myself be in that situation because look at us now. It's not as if everything is all right again. We still barely talk. But I know you're trying and so as long as I can see that, I'll accept it. But the moment that I feel ignored and taken for granted again, I am done.

[forthisguycalledarol]

This is why I don't even want to start something with you. This is what I was so afraid of. We were perfect and I was so scared that that will change. That something is bound to ruin what we have. And I hate myself for letting this happen. But I also hate you. I hate you for making me feel inferior, it's like I don't even mean anything to you anymore.

[forthisguycalledarol]

How could you make me believe that you love me and then ignore me?

[forthisguycalledarol]

Hi. So I started my review for my board exam this week. I've been busy and well, you're working and because of that, we haven't been able to talk a lot this week. But here's the thing. I feel like you're not putting in effort to try and work your way around my schedule so that we can talk?? I mean, you're always sleeping even though I'm free and we have a chance to talk. And when we DO get to talk, you're always sleepy haha. Before it was cute and I try to understand you because it seems like you're really fond of sleeping, but now, it's just not working for me. It's kind of a turn off for me that you expect me to be the one constantly calling you and you also kept on asking me to wake you up in your sleep when you could have just try not to fall asleep to talk to me. Ugh idk. I don't want to stress about this anymore because I have a lot of things to worry about and this ain't it.

[forthisguycalledarol]

You make me smile especially when I need it the most.

[forthisguycalledarol]

“I am too tired and I miss you too much.”

— Simone de Beauvoir (via bnmxfld)

[forthisguycalledarol]

Arol, thank you for making me happy. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now. I have a lot of problems and I don't want to involve you in this mess. But I just want to thank you for putting in effort to make me smile every time we talk. You are my daily dose of happiness--my constant pain reliever.

I know you want to know what my problems are so I can lessen my baggage and vent it out to you. But I'm sorry that I can't. I just don't want you to worry about it too. But thank you for caring. I appreciate it.

[forthisguycalledarol]

Idk if you know but I know I told you this before, so maybe you didn't care to listen or you're just downright being mean, but I really hate it when I'm being ignored. It's childish. It makes me feel irrelevant and I am really mad at you right now for making me feel this way.

[forthisguycalledarol]

You said you like me.

I like you too.

You said you're falling for me.

I am falling for you too.

You said you're in love with me.

I don't think I'm ready yet.

I am not disregarding your feelings.

I am not ignoring them.

In fact, you made me happy when you said it.

But...

I want to take my time.

I want to savor every moment.

I want to learn and see every nook.

I want to be ready once I fall.

I don't want to rush things.

So that when it happens,

I can give you my all.

Because I feel like this is all happening too fast and I'm not there yet. But could you wait for me?