forgottendiarypages

[forgottendiarypages]

18 March 2020 17:56:24

I can not even go outside. I hate it. I want to go to the beach and see the sunset. I want to see my friends. I do not want to just be in my room playing video games and watching documentaries. I want to go to school and go to geology and have debates in English and in philosophy. I want to see the cute boys in my geology classes. I want to do so fucking much.

I am going to get so depressed now. I hate being stuck. I do not even want to see my parents. I hate this shit. I can not even stream because my parents are now home 24/7. I have zero freedom and alone time. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I am unemployed. I am isolated. I am so lonely. I want to meet people and see people. fuck this shit.

[forgottendiarypages]

18 March 2020 3:35:37am

Coronavirus is fucking annoying. I wanna be outside, meeting more people. but now my school is canceled, I lost my job, and I am lonely because the guy I like, zk, lives too far away. my best friend m set us up together.

but!! tonight I had sex for the first time since July. had it at three in the morning. it was in a car because of course, it was. I would totally fuck him again. his name is j. he’s 6′3″. he loves my pussy. I know I'm good at sex. I give good head, my vagina is tight, it gets hella wet, and I'm sexy.

but what if I get corona because of it? I hope me fucking j didn’t hurt zk. I like zk. I only want to have sex with j. it’s the only thing we have talked about.

zk and I talk about everything. he hypes me up al the time. he cares about me. I feel like he does care. I like him. if he was here I would date him instantly. fuck him asap. I want him to fuck my life up. and me. his tattoos are shitty, he has been a horrible person in past relationships, he is emotionally unavailable, and a recovering addict. but I trust him, I feel safe talking to him, I think I would feel safe around him.

I only heard zk once on the phone, when I met him. m called me on facetime, and he was with zk. they met on zk’s last day of rehab. zk instantly started flirting with me. he has tattoos and a face tattoo. he flirted with me and is hella cute so I got his number and texted him. that was 14 February 2020. 

I think things are getting better. I hope they are.

[forgottendiarypages]

24 februrary 2020 10:57am

i hate how i am living. every single day is the same. i feel like it’s groundhog day. i am sicki of this life, and how i am living it. i want to just go somewhere far away and never look back. 

i like my job, but my managers hate me. i wish i knew why. they make me feel like i am a horrible person. the things they say about me to my face make me question the kind of person i am and the kind of person i will always be. it makes me scared to get another job because i think they would say the same things about me. 

i met someone. kind of. it’s a friend (M 19) of a friend (M 23). my friend (let’s call him M) met him in impatient, and the guy (let’s call him Z) lives in Florida. Z was just getting out of rehab the day after M set us up. We met over FaceTime. i don’t know man. i am a dumbass for talking to him. i should just end it. it is going farther than i thought it was going to go.

i just want a new life, that is really what it is coming down to.i want to move away and start fresh. new everything. but i know that will not happen for a long time. i want to go on a road trip by myself. maybe go to utah or arizona. or canada or oregon. somewhere that is not here. even northern california would suffice. but i do not see that happening either.

maybe i will go on a campint trip alone, clear my head, just think. smoke a lot of weed. maybe do shrooms. just fucking something!!!!!!!!!! i want to get fucked up on so many drugs that i forget who i am. maybe one day, just not today.

[forgottendiarypages]

11/20/19 9:51:10pm

hello. it’s been a while.

i cannot stop thinking about you. i hate it. all the things i wish i said. or wish i did. you really hurt me. both of you. you both had pieces of my heart and you fucking didn’t care.

z. you and i flirted so much. i thought you liked me. or was interested in me. instead you ghosted me twice and acted like nothing happened. i really thought you felt at least something for me. what is it about me that makes me so unattractive? probably my looks. and personality.

n. it was only one date yet you made me feel something so fast. i wish you told me after i dropped you off that you didn’t feel the same and that you didn’t wanna see me again. but you lead me on and lied. why? that hurt me. so much.

i wish i wasn’t like this. maybe i am psychotic? i am crazy. i am crazy. i am crazy. i just want to be loved. nobody is interested in me, but i understand why. who wants the crazy bipolar bitch with a loud mouth? i shouldn’t be here. i want to drive off the collins overpass. 

i wanna rip my fucking skin off. i want to slice it up. i want to bleed. i want to fucking hurt. i am fucking nothing. fat fuck. i fucking hate you. i wish you were dead. you’ve done nothing. you will amount to nothing.

i wish my intrusive thoughts would stop.i wish i was normal. i wish i was okay.

[forgottendiarypages]

09/7/19 1:26 pm

i wonder which one of these posts will be my last. which one will be considered as a suicide note? or as a call for help? is it this one? maybe it will be. do i want that? maybe, i don’t know. i wish i wasn’t so depressed throughout my formative years. maybe i would be less useless. that would be nice.

should i call the police on myself? or turn myself into the hospital? maybe it would help. maybe i would regret it. only one way to find out. i want to watch porn and sleep. maybe i should call out of work. i won’t. 

[forgottendiarypages]

09/7/19 1:13 pm

 why did i care so much. i always do this shit. i really thought we would be something. why would i ever think that. i’m fucking fat. i’m way too tall. i’m like a fucking tree. dude why do i look like this. i ruined the only relationship i’ll probably not have one anytime soon. and that’s okay, but i just feel like that’s the best im gonna get. im crazy. i'm not that attractive. i'm just a whole ass mess. my mom even told me that. nobody will love a girl with bipolar disorder. who wants a crazy bitch. i wouldn’t. idk man. i’m so tired. i’m tired of this living shit. it’s gone on long enough.

i wish i had emergency antidepressants. i wish i could take them in a time like this. i only have ones to stop my mania and anxiety. maybe i’ll take a few of those. i wish i had xanax. or any downers. i don’t wanna feel. i wanna just dissociate and feel nothing. that’d be nice for a change. i’ll just keep smoking weed until i cannot feel. it hurts my lungs so badly. i wanted to take edibles but they take way too long to kick in. i need something. i just don’t know what.

i wish he’d text me back. fuck i liked him. i still do. our date was so fun. but i guess he didn’t feel the same way. i get it. it’s whatever. i understand his decision. i just want to not feel this way and this sad.

[forgottendiarypages]

7/18/19 12:30am

it was one of my worse days but you texted me. you made sure i was okay. you told me how you cared. i remember when you came back from vacation and you saw me for the first time. you threw open your arms and shouted my name and hugged me and said how much you missed me. tonight you told me you were my number one fan and that you’ll always stand up for me. you said how hard i work after my manager said the opposite.

when i told you how my ex was talking to me you told me that you’d beat the shit outta him. it made me smile. 

at the goodbye brunch from our favorite manager you hugged me twice and cried a little bit. i told him how much i appreciated him and his work. anytime i’m calling for help he’ll leave his position to help me.

once he thought i was crying at work and he hugged me tightly and asked what was wrong.

he makes me blush and feel all ooey gooey. it makes me feel good again. feel wanted again. 

[forgottendiarypages]

07/3/19 12:49am

damn i suck. i am so manipulative. i do it without realizing. i don’t know if that’s good or bad. i’ll get back to you on that one.

man i moved on fast. i had a good time today. his skin was a golden shade of honey. his hair think dark and curly. he’s a couple inches taller than me, which is perfect. his arms and body are toned just right. where you can see and feel that he has muscle, yet it’s not all defined. i love that. he kisses really well. and is such a tease. i haven’t felt this way about a person before. i just really want him, i guess. he was so good. 

he said i was acting sexy, but i wasn’t consciously doing it, i don’t think so at least.  i was trying to make my face look cute tho. god i loved when he’d push me up against his jeep. it felt so nice. and that he was just a bit taller made it way better. and he’s strong.

fuck i cannot stop thinking about his arms. i loved the color of his skin. i didn’t know he was tan. it contrasted beautifully with my pale skin. and it was heavy. i love the feeling of an arm around me, i don’t know why. he laid his over mine and it was so comforting. and i just like how they looked. i don’t know, it’s weird. 

[forgottendiarypages]

06/30/19 3:33am

i am free. i’m done. i finally ended it. i am a free woman. no more telling me who i can and cannot see. no more fear. i am free. i feel okay now. this is good. i am good, mostly.

[forgottendiarypages]

04/12/19 10:41am

love is something i thought i wasn't able to feel again.

but then,

you came along.

this love was a molotov cocktail of pain

and suffering.

filled with double standards,

and being told how to feel

and how not to feel.

this love ended a relationship,

cut off beautiful budding bonding between two

and sent me back to square one,

of feeling incapable

of love.

before you,

i thought i was okay again.

the recurrent wave of depression

had finally come down to just a small current.

and the constant anxiety only appeared upon convenience.

you tricked me with alluring language,

intelligent conversation about everything beautiful,

our mutual love for music,

and shared illnesses.

yet you failed to mention the façade you presented,

the terms and conditions attached to knowing you,

that i did not click agree to.

the beginning was something out of a movie;

late night conversations of love,

sneaking out every weekend,

beach trips at nearly illegal hours,

the thrill of new romance.

before she arrived.

before the lies had begun.

before your foundation came crumbling down from under you.

before i questioned every single move i made.

on the night we met

we snuck out

and sat on the sand

under the beautiful cool moonlight

listening to the calming sound of the black waves in front of us.

you told me i looked beautiful,

and i could feel your body inching closer to mine,

it was everything i could have wished for and more.

you were socially awkward and artistic.

i was shy and anxious and wondering if you really liked me or not.

we then began the cycle of sneaking out,

of lying to my parents,

of never being where i claimed i was,

of throwing myself deeper and deeper into the void that is loving you.

but i slowly started to see who you truly were.

from canceling plans constantly,

to lying about who you were with,

and when i became vulnerable with my feelings for you,

you lied to me.

that's where she came in.

she was my old friend.

a known equivocator.

a person who didn't know the word no.

she was the beginning of the end.

in two days i went from madly in love

to suicidal and in agony.

but she isn't the focus of this.

you are.

a hypocritical depressed socialite who couldn't understand social cues.

because of you

i changed

my appearance,

my taste in music,

my vocabulary.

i overthought every move i made,

i spent over two hours getting ready even if there was a slight chance i would see you,

i ended relationships

and friendships,

i lost hope,

i lost control,

i lost all progress i made mentally.

i

 was

    destroyed.

i wasn't allowed to be unhappy when you canceled our plans,

yet you tried to kill yourself

when a girl you knew for two weeks had to do homework instead of you.

i wasn't allowed to talk about anybody but you,

yet after telling me you couldn't have a relationship,

you cried about falling in love with a girl you only

met

    once.

i wasn't allowed to be happy with anybody that wasn't you,

yet you weren’t be happy with me.

i was shamed for trying to move on from you.

and when i finally did,

you lost the one person who truly cared about you,

and let you do whatever you wanted to them.

and once you realized that i was finally gone,

you spewed venomous words at me without caring for my feelings.

you treated as if i was less than you,

as if i was less than human,

you finally let your true self come out.

thank you for teaching me

to no longer trust,

to no longer love

to no longer be happy

to no longer seek companionship

and

to no longer think that i am good enough.

[forgottendiarypages]

06/26/19 10:42pm

why do i not realize that nobody likes me. i’m miserable to be around. my mother said that. she also said i make everybody around me miserable. i think she is right. i try and talk to my coworkers but they don’t like me. they don’t understand my jokes, or laugh at me when i say something genuine. i feel like they think i’m stupid. i get so lonely when i’m alone. i want to talk to them but they’re on the other side of the line and they can’t hear me. or choose not to. probably that. they like other people way more. i think they think i’m ugly. i am though. and that they think i’m fat. i am. 

this episode came out of nowhere. i was doing well. i just switched out of nowhere. intrusive thoughts were filling my head. i couldn’t think of anything else. just bad thoughts and how i was such an attention whore that i said those things.

i hate depressive episodes. i hate them. i deserve them though. i deserve to feel like this.

god i don’t want to live too much longer. i have to first wait for my dog to die. then i can. i can’t do that to him. i can’t leave him until he leaves me. i can’t see myself living a long life. i just can’t. i won’t. i wanna finish college and that’ll be it. god i am such a mistake. 

[forgottendiarypages]

06/26/19 12:07am

why am i like this. i don’t believe i can do anything right. i don’t think i have ever been a good person or tried to be. it never mattered to me. i am me, and i will act like me, and i’m sorry if you don’t like that. i don’t like being blamed for things that aren’t that big of a deal. half the time i just wish i was just me and nobody else. 

[forgottendiarypages]

06/25/19 5:45pm

on my drive home today i took the super long way. i avoided this drive for a long time since the fires, seeing the barren and burnt hills would make me break down in tears. what doesn’t these days? as i headed towards my house i saw the clouds pouring over the mountain tops. it was so beautiful. you couldn’t see the top of the rocky peaks, they were protected by a beautiful white blanket. it was a beautiful sight. it reminds me that there is some good in the world. not really. 

i used to hate nature. i didn’t see the beauty in it. all i saw was landscape, nothing more. now i crave it. it makes me cry sometimes. a lot of things make me cry, though. i am so weak. i can stare at the sky for hours. i love staring at the sky when i’m high. i feel separated from the world. from my body. it’s one of the most beautiful things.

the beach is the best place to go stargazing. the light pollution fades ever so slightly, but just enough. so many bad good things happen there. i recently went with a friend. we shared a joint and stared off into space. it felt like forever. i crave that feeling. the world looked monochromatic. all shades of beautiful blues. 

man i miss the beach on nights like those. 

[forgottendiarypages]

06/24/19 11:19pm

why do i need to take so many pills to not want to kill myself. i have so many pill bottles in my room i look like a dealer. i wish i could get fucked up off of it. i tried once before off something, fucked me up. i had to take four pills last night to sleep. why doesn’t my brain work. i wish it worked. then i wouldn’t be so fucked up. i miss it though. i’m finally mostly normal but sometimes i miss it. the feeling of nothingness. what a wonderful weird feeling.

[forgottendiarypages]

06/24/18 11:14pm

i want to do it. i haven’t in two years. i deserve it. i miss it. fuck now i really want to do it. fuck fuck fuck. i need it. i just want to feel it. i want to feel something. i want to get so fucked up all my emotions are gone. fuck. god i am not okay. i will never be.

[forgottendiarypages]

06/24/19 10:32pm

i wish i was appreciated. i give people so much love, but i feel as if i never get it in return. i try and see my friends as much as possible. yet if we make plans and somebody that they like more wants to do something, im tossed to the side. i don’t know what i do wrong. am i annoying? am i a bad friend? i don’t have a best friend. i don’t have somebody i can tell everything to. i wish i did. i wish i wasn’t a bad person. i feel like one. always. i’m trying. or at least i think i am. i take my medicine, try and talk about how i’m feeling. i just wish i had a friend who saw me as important too. i wish i wasn’t fragile. i wish i was seen as a first choice to the people who are mine. i hate being so alone. i want to make friends but can’t. why am i always left on read. why can’t people just reply at least. why is it okay to treat me like you don’t care. i’m sorry.