foralwaysinallways-blog

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Monday.July.17.2017..437pm

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

You're not alone You should most definitely find an appropriate medical, theraputical​ professional to speak to on a regular basis, whether or not you ultimatley end up choosing to try taking daily medication [antidepressants, antianxiety meds, mood stabilizer, additional sleep aids, etc.] or not. Even without ever taking any medicine whatsoever, still having one on one counseling treatment is extremely, significantly theraputic n positively beneficial even when just itself; solo. No Matter What - Choose YOU; Choose To Be HAPPY Choose To ALWAYS DO && BE Your VERY.BEST YOU ARE SO WORTH iT. #stopthestigma

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Wednesday June 20, 2017 ---> Go Skateboarding Day✌

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Memorial Day Weekend 2017

*sigh* It's memorial day weekend && my ma randomly mentioned casually yesterday, as she left for work, that my uncle's band is playing a gig at Memorial Park this afternoon till early evening ish, for the holiday && that if she wasnt too tired afterall, maybe she'd be attending today. Well, after coming to find that Ma and MyRyles weren't going to church this morning, I guess because MyRyles said that she had been up all night with a tummyache thus was tired.. and that Ma was claiming to be too tired afterall, for the Memorial Park shindig.. I went to MyDude and asked if he'd be down to go checkout the park shindig where my uncle's band is playing, with just myself and MyRyles, since Ma was staying home. He agreed right away without any kind of question or issue so I went right down the hall n asked MyRyles how she was feeling, first of all. After she replied back that she was feeling okay now, I went ahead n asked if she would be down to go check out the park shindig with MyDude and I, specifically making a point to say that my Ma wouldn't be joining us this time around. She immediately agreed, trying to play it off nonchalantly. I let her do her thing her way, not wanting to make a big deal of it or change the mood of it all by doing anything to be taken poorly, ykno. So at that I made my way out of her bedroom and back down the hallway to my bedroom, concluding to her as I did, that I'd be hitting up Aunt Sarah about the shindig shortly. It still being early, MyDude and I went ahead and dipped out soon after, to go take care of errands planned prior, before having to be back n ready to head out to the shindig which was said to be starting at 1pm. As we were out and about, MyDude asked if I was down to give our friend Dre a ride real quick so that I'd not need to ask Ma for money as id said I'd need to do in an earlier conversation with him. Obviously I was definitely down to avoid asking ma for anything at all if we could go about getting what we needed otherwise, so I said yes and we headed on over to swoop Dre up right away. As we arrived to get him, Jackie Robinson met us in the parking lot, asking if we wanted to go up n smoke sesh with them first, before we left. I said yes and we went upstairs to meet up with Dre, Jackie Robinson, BigHunter and a new face whom I soon learned to be Chris Picilo err some shit like that. We seshed with everyone quickly and once I'd finished I made a point to get up, ask for the keys and return back down to the car where Jackie Robinson joined me, and I went ahead and finished up with my makeup that was half done at the time, as we waited for the boys to come on down and join us to go ahead n leave, as originally planned. In no time at all, the four of us were back on the road, en route to where Dre was needing a ride to. On the way, Jackie Robinson asked if we could stop at Target first, which we of course agreed to and did just that. We waited in the car for her to simply return some stuff as shed explained she needed to do as we drove on our way there. But she soon returned back to the car of us three saying that she was unable to do so. Therefore she next asked to be taken to Vons right quick to attempt her second try at obtaining the cash she needed, I guess. We, of course, drove her there && as we pulled into the parking lot I asked MyDude to please go inside with me to grab something that he had been unable to get for me earlier this morning. He completely ignored my inquiry all together. Then as I joined Jackie Robinson as she went inside as she asked me to, I realized I had left my purse, wallet and id at home today thus wouldn't be able to help her as id initially said I would. So I went back to the car and asked MyDude for his id instead which is when I found out that he'd need to be present if his id was being used. So I told him to join us and added that it worked out anyways since I'd previously asked for him to grab what he'd been unable to prior this morning. We all stood at the kiosk with Jackie Robinson and it all wasn't working out properly afterall, even after numerous tries. So, as we stepped away from the kiosk i lead MyDude straight to the product I needed him to get for me. This is when he unexpectedly came back at me with some dumb excuse as to why he wasn't going to get it for me still but assured me that he'd do so at the store by our pad for sure. I was not happy about it one bit, but despite my bitching and valid reasoning in doing so, he still chose to not grab what he had already said he'd get for me previously. As we walked side by side towards the exit I made sure to calmly but openly express myself and my current negative emotions to him briefly. He understandingly apologized, tried to explain himself further and assured me that he wasn't at all upset with me despite the situation n overall day thus far and we made our way back to the car together without any bad blood between us, although I had numerous reasons to still be stressed, disappointed and not in the best of moods all together. At this time, despite having no luck at Target or Vons now.. we still agreed to take them to Wal-Mart now, which took a bit longer then the previous two places.. and then, after Jackie Robinson went back into Walmart for a second time to grab something else she'd forgotten the first time..Then we finally continued on en route of Dre's original place of needing a ride to. As we drove eastbound, Dre initiated a discussion where MyDude ultimately stated that we were in no kind of hurry whatsoever and that Dre need not worry or be mindful of any sort of timeframe whatsoever. My heart immediately gained in pace as I used all of my might to bite my tongue to ultimatley stay respectful and acting right as MyDude's old lady while in the presence of others. I couldn't help but shoot him a text right away though, expressing my now additional disappointment n confusion regarding his vibe n statements to Dre, seeing as we had prior plans with MyRyles for the day that were literally about to be starting without us, while MyRyles waited on us at home && ultimatley I unintentionally, unexpectedly and uncontrollably flaked out on and let MyRyles down once again for really no justifyable reason. He promptly responded back to me that he was under the assumption that the previous plans were a no go now and that he was sorry and that we would go straight to where Dre needed his ride err whatever and ultimately finish up asap to be able to get back home to MyRyles right away so that we could still make it out even if just for a short while afterall. I was not happy about the entire thing, of course, but his response was as best as I could ask for in the given situation at hand so I quit my bitching and sat quiet n pretty for the rest of the time out and about. Despite all he'd said and assured to me via text, as we got to Dre's destination and he did what he needed to there rather quickly, actually.. rather then head right back out as Dre returned to the car right afterwards, we didn't move at all. Then after Dre broke us off and gave it to MyDude, we still didn't move a single muscle. Soon after, Dre asked me to switch him seats quickly, so that he could use the visor mirror for what he was trying to do at the time, I surely agreed and he surprisingly kept his given word to be quick and we switched right back at that. As I got back into the car, seated shotty, as usual.. MyDude took his damn sweet time to cook up our shots n hit himself first without even bothering to acknowledge me in any fashion, not to mention the previously had convo about inevitably flaking on MyRyles again today. As he finally hit and finished up cleaning his rig n whatnot, he offered for me to use his shoelace to tie off myself which I initially accepted but soon after assured him and everyone that I'd just wait till I got home to do mine so that we could go ahead n leave. This still lagged on for nearly 20 minutes though, as we now we're waiting for Dre to come back to the car as he'd left to supposedly go find Jackie Robinson so we could leave but as she then returned mere moments later, he was still no where to be seen n thought Jackie Robinson went ahead to say that she would go and find him then on like, at least, a good solid three times. She failed to move at all till way later which finally resulted in all four of us being back in the car and ready to go. So we left. But of course we couldn't hurry back like any other time we give them a similar ride, nah, we had to stop at the gas station on the way and vote on taking a cig break prior to gassing up, as well. After about 30 more minutes at the gas station, we were finally back on the road once again. As we got back to BigHunters apt MyDude had to make a quick stop down the street to try n hit his lick so that he could grab a bit more off of Dre before dropping him back off. This little Mish failed though and we still got the dime fronted as we pulled up to BigHunters fucking finally but Jackie Robinson bitched n whined under her breath to Dre as he got out of the car and she stayed behind as he went upstairs. He came back down to the car a few minutes later and got back in, asking us to take them to the hotel down the street instead. We of course did so and as we parked MyDude straight up asked me if i mind that he go ahead n make himself up another shot, mind you that I've still not done my own first one so that we cud get home sooner. I dropped my jaw and sharply asked him to wait until we got back home. Smart guy he is, agreed immediately. 'my bad' he said as well. 'yea, to say the very least' I shot back at him under my breath. He blatantly ignored me at that, just as he's ignored all my texts in the past hour err so as well, while blatantly being on his cell all the while.. even using MY bluetooth earplugs without asking, which he lagged that much longer at the hotel as they'd already exited the car to set up. We are now en route back home, finally, at 551pm.. as he stays preoccupied on his cell he rudely asks me ' you haven't said that we are doing anything on the internet, have you?' I shoot back at him ' no,what would I say we are doing?' he replies ' idk I'm just asking, sorry, what's wrong with you!?' and I reply back to him, 'ha, I'm not even going to bother answering that since it doesn't even really matter to you.. you're just going to ignore me afterwards anyways!' and that's where it all ended. He neglected to say anything back to me and we have been driving in silence since. The radio plays the most perfectly ironic songs n lyrics although i can't help but believe that he is too thick headed to even notice anyways, even as I turn the volume up loudly.. what a waste, ykno? Just a complete, total waste. Tragic. [Sunday.May.28.2017...557pm]

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

Fall in love with somebody who will never let you go to sleep wondering if you still matter.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

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hopeless.

I can't help but feel more && more hopeless with each passing moment, really.. and now every single aspect of my entire life uncontrollably overflows with inadequacy, abandonment, all of the abuse, anxiety, excruciating pain, confusion, loneliness, disappointment && the deepest depression I've ever personally endured.. amongst a seemingly endless list of other various negative thoughts && emotions. && As my cheeks soak with my all too familiar tear streaks, the loudest silence screams at the top of it's lungs, a blood curdling scream that causes only my ears to ring cuz there's absolutely no one else remotely nearby enough to hear it, even as the faintest, unrecognizable sound. No. It's just me and my solitude.. watching each moment pass by a bit quicker then the last as the ounces of hopelessness pile up higher and higher with out any sing or hint of stopping or even slowing down at all for as long and far as my eyes can see. [Saturday.May.20.2017..602pm]

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Even after I straight up told you that you could even be asking me exactly how you might go about fixing the problem at hand && heading in that direction.. yet you still stayed responding back to me with your oh so very typical degrading neglect && the loudest silence you've ever heard. I am worth && deserve, at least a mere tiny morsel of trying yet you stay giving me abso- fuckin-lutely nothing. Nope, nuh uh, not a damn single thing.. anything. Yea, no. =|

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

I can taste your absense on my tongue It’s cold and bittersweet And sometimes you will fill my lungs Breathe in the oxygen I keep

A.R.J (via a-r-j)

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Ocean

With each wave her toes dug deeper The breeze swayed her hair softly So high and mighty was the sun Yet the ocean so blue and calm It seemed so perfect She had completely forgotten reality Oh, how peaceful she felt But the moment she left, it all came rushing back Her moms cancer, her dead brother, the dad she’s never known, the abuse… Why not go back to the ocean? Where everything’s right Her ocean turned into a person And that was what felt even better The way he made her smile Showed her the world Made her free again He was everything she needed Until he saw his power How massive he felt Drowning seashores, carrying away the world But, she was on that seashore and now her reality is a nightmare. Even the ocean has a darkness @lilhurrican

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

Just kiss me. Grab me and kiss me. I love the feeling of your lips just slowly pressed against mine. I love when you do that. It feels like it’s just you and I. It feels like the world freezes for a short time. It’s such a beautiful thing. To share that with you is the best feeling.

@poetpastry (via poetpastry)

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

Heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it was a feather. There is strength in her heart, determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul. She is you. A warrior, a champion, a fighter, a queen.

R.H. Sin (via rh-sin)

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

&& another one bites the dust..

Okay, so remember​ how MyDude played You Are Not The One by The Grouch the other day? Yea, well, it doesn’t end there, actually.. See, idk if you recall but when the song bit went down, MyDude and I were en route to drop Dre n Jackie off at Hunter’s apartment, on our way to the clinic that morning. Yea, well.. it wasn’t too long after MyDude played that excruciatingly hurtful song at me, that Jackie ran a her low-key batting her lashes bit at MyDude- gushing over every other song err artist that he chose to put on. Then proceeding on to go back n forth with him about who they have seen live && gushing all over every single one he shared. All from the backseat where she sat bitch next to Dre who was behind MyDude. Then as we got to their stop, they came up to a low-key dramatic situation that was shittiest for Jackie, having gotten into a big built up fight with Hunter the day before + her ex bestie, MissMe.inaction whom fucks with Dre, I guess, was also there && completely outa no where she all of the sudden starts persistently pushing to get MyDude to go inside with she and Dre, completely refusing NickBlunten’s eager offer to go up with them for her. But no, she aggressively insisted that she be accompanied by MYDUDE.. && you know i can’t even beg, guilt err bribe MyDude to back me up in similar situations. But there I was, stunned by what I was watching this girl run right in front of my face, as if I was not even seated right there the entire time.. my jaw finally dropping as I continue watching as he starts moving and reacting / responding to this whole situation in sucha way that immediately showed me that he was preparing himself to get out of the car asap. I responded without even thinking at all whatsoever, and casually got his attention, and privately expressing my perception of Jackie’s behavior and how it’s absolutely absurd to believe that she’d make that happen in sucha way. She clearly doesn’t properly understand who she’s been fuckin with; who I truly am. Anyways, since then, I have more elaborately discussed everything with MyDude and increasingly fucked with him / gave him shit for his ‘new GF, Jackie Robinson’ (oh, ughh - I called him Christopher Robin- ugghh fuuuuuck..=|) && still, every time we spend time with her, she clings to MyDude’s nuts in all kinds of various ways, all of them cliche n obvious af that she whole heartedly believes that she is being sneaky and succeeding lol Eventually I told MyDude that if we are guna be around Jackie any more that I need him to not behave in ways that promote, condone or encourage her inappropriate actions towards, about and to him by any means. He needed to not only shoot her advances down, but also make a firm point to express his love, respect n loyalty to me in response to her every single time. So he was not only consistently rejecting her but proudly repin me n us at the same times too. He firmly agreed with me saying that he totally understood and was capable and willing to do so, being present and solid in his personal role within the entire situation. I immediately challenged him entirely, calling him out on prior situations that went down exactly like we just had before.. with him convincing me that he will absolutely act and behave a particular way within a previously​ predicted n anticipated situation with another individual whom I was beefin with at the time && how every single time did he not only betray me completely by not backing me up n behaving as he previously promises but furthermore, blatantly choosing to back up the opposing person and fighting against me, entirely on my own. He stayed unflinching, swearing promises of going to bat for my team this time around. And so, one a fuckin gain, I surely can’t truly hardly believe in an ounce of a single damn thing that he says.. but I don’t think I can live the rest of my life wondering what if he really has finally learned the error of his ways n is genuinly assuring me this time, with complete sincerity of what he is saying he’ll do. So, knowing all too damn well by this point that the probability err likeliness of this time being any different from each of the last times is slim to none.. Therefore, it’s beyond highly doubtful that MyDude is guna ultimately choose to simply invest, even the teensiest amount of himself into MY happiness n well being. But I hold onto the hope within the possibility n giving him the opportunity to completely fuck me off in the same exact way all over again n wait, watching in hopes of any kinda sign that this was really it this time afterall. Damn, fuckin a, man, how embarrassingly pathetic, ykno? Shit man, fuck! Ugh! But yea, so.. the next time we spent with her was last night. She whined some dramatic shit about Dre being a dick to her n fucking her off n over n ’ leaving (her) for dead ’ so I immediately discussed the whole bit with MyDude n confirmed his solid promised word before hitting her back to say we r on the way to swoop her. She was right back at it from the very millisecond she entered into our presence. MyDude obviously wasnt all in err fully committed, if you will, but there was a definite improvement on his part none the less which lead to my overall choice to cut him some slack while enjoying the legitimate progress he’s made despite that we were most definitely not completely in the clear just yet, by any means. But I bit my tongue n stayed smiling anyways. It was late already as we picked her up so we were all together back at the pad for a very short legnth of time before we MyDude and I said goodnight n made our way to our bedroom together. We slept in uncommonly late the next day (today) ultimately leaving Jackie out in the garage until late this afternoon lol MyDude was quick to agree as I asked him to go wake her up as I finished up getting myself ready to head out to the clinic, taking n dropping Jackie off where she needed on the way. I mean, yes, I did ask him if he would please wake her so I could finish getting ready.. that’s completely true. BUT MyDude didn’t have to accept err agree. Not by any means. I mean, even tho we have not experienced this particular issue with each of our roles reversed like, I haven’t had to make any of the specific promises that he has had to make to keep me yet in the same situation vice versa, I would have automatically replied back to him saying, ’ no, he’s a guy, you wake him up, please?! If it was a girl I’d do it for the same reason of respect n loyalty but I’d totally appreciate it if you would handle the one on one kinda stuff whenever it’s another dude that we are kicking it with, ykno? Im not trying to make you mad or refuse to help you out when you specifically asked me to but I just think it’d be much more worth it to handle this this way, ykno? Is that okay? && Is there another way I can help you out right now? ’ .. all I’m saying is that there is absolutely no valid reason that MyDude wouldn’t be able to reply to me in a similar nature, right? Right. N the way that I see it, if he truly felt for me as he so consistently swears up n down to, then he should, naturally keeping me in his mind, find himself identifying the specific things I have talked to him about, afterwards, in real life, ykno? N when such situations arise again, he should be making a legit point to be handling everything differently then before in efforts of improving overall, to benefit me and my life n my overall well being. But whatever.. all in all, he chose to promptly agree to wake her as I asked n went right out n did it. Staying silent as he came back into our bedroom with me. Soon after that we were all back in our usual seats in my mom’s whip, dipping out to drop her off wherever on our way to the clinic together. As we made our way onto the freeway the song I Got 5 On It began playing on the station my lazy ass had left the radio on focusing moreso on finishing my makeup. As the song played I remembered the last time that we were making the same drive around the same time of day with Jackie n Dre, and how Jackie had made an obvious attempt to ’ unintentionally’ showoff how she knows all of the words to the whole song, as it’s a classic crowd pleaser, no doubt. She wanted to impress MyDude, having just recently run her first 'music match made in heaven’ bit on him right in front of my face. I mentioned out loud to him that I’d noticed how the song had played last time we were driving to drop her off n MyDude agreed without saying much but obviously thinking deeply in his head, sitting silent to my left. He soon began bursting out in little fits of laughter and Jackie would echo each and everytime without fail, n he continued to add little bitsof commentery with his laughter, that quickly let me know that the radio station had censored the song, slaughtering the lyrics up with super funny alternative lines n rhymes. So he and Jackie listened intently to the song, laughing together at every last little change as I stayed quiet, not knowin all of the words, thus not knowing when to laugh.. just stuck being left out while MyDude makes a point of obviously silently telling the braud who’s been crushing on him, that he likes and knows all the words to that song too n sits listening to keep on laughing with her over n over again, right in front of my face even though he’d just recently assured, promised, swore n even confirmed to me to reject her while reppin his love, respect n loyalty with me, remember? Yea.. && I knew the probability of this kinda outcome but I still held onto that stupid little hope within possibility, ykno? Ugghh!

Oh && also.. we still haven’t had sex again yet. Last time was early morning of 3/14 … N it’s now April 28th, fuuuck man. How pathetically embarrassing on my part, right? Shit man, fuck.. ugh. *sigh*

[Friday.April.28.2017…855pm]

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

she’s a queen with a little bit of savage

R.H. Sin (via rh-sin)

[foralwaysinallways-blog]

every night her thoughts weighed heavily on her soul but every morning she will get up the fight another day, every night she survived.

R.H. Sin (via rh-sin)