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[foltzj92-blog]

Time to make myself whole again...

Ok...this is my very first blog post. So bare with me here. My name is Jillian, but my friends call me Jill. I am 26 years old and I’ve the most perfect baby girl, Lilly. She is 11 months old and seriously the coolest chick around! I am in a relationship with her father, who is from Honduras. Still waiting on that ring though. But here’s the scoop: my life is in a downward spiral. And don’t get my wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Save me the speech. I was diagnosed with PPD. At first, I didn’t believe it. Me? I’ve never had a bad thought about my child, ever. Of course, I was not happy with my body, or my looks, or my financial position, or pretty much anything at the time. One thing I have never doubted, my daughter. But I did wonder, am I the right person to raise her? Am I worthy of her love and affection. And that right there is why I received a diagnosis of PPD. Not to dive in to deep so quickly, but I have been through a lot in my childhood. I refuse to talk about that part of my life. That is something I’ll never be comfortable talking about on an open forum. Let’s just put it this way: it’s messed with my self-esteem and self-image. I came to the conclusion I needed a change in my life. I need something to look forward to and to get me out of this feeling of dispair. That is not how I want to live my life. I knew I needed a change the day I stood in the shower with the razor in my hand, contemplating how I could inflict the most pain to myself without ending my life. Oh, depression. How I hate you so. For all my friends and family who had no idea this is where I’m at right now, I am sorry to inform you this way. I felt ashamed, alone, and downright disgusted with myself. I struggle daily with wanting to hurt myself. I am not as strong as I thought I was. Until now. Today, Christmas 2018, is the day I move forward in my life and find myself again. This will be my way of keeping myself on track. I have a plan for losing weight in my own time and way, talking/thinking about myself in a positive manner, learning how to love myself and the people closest to me, continuing to be the good person I know I am, and learning to let things go that I cannot change. If you’re reading this, thank you. I am not just writing this blog for myself, but for anyone who may be struggling the same as me. If you would like give advice, comment, and suggest anything, please feel free to do so. I can’t wait to start feeling strong and confident again. Starting in January (due to insurance), I will be returning to see a psychologist. I will update with information regarding that as well. I hope this will motivate me to continue through the good and bad days. My life is important and I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. “You have beaten me to the core, the little spirit from my heart you tore. I am choking, I cannot survive anymore. This nightmare is impossible to endure. But as powerful and strong you think you can be, I am stronger than you regard me. And when I say I give up it’s YOU talking PPD. So, I will show you at last I will be free.” – Kathy Davis, a warrior of postpartum depression