flummoxy

[flummoxy]

I can’t stop thinking about this.

[flummoxy]

neil got tired of hearing the "if they don't kiss, it's queerbaiting" bs and gave us t h e most angsty kiss ever seen just to shut them up

[flummoxy]

That was NOT a good kiss.

[flummoxy]

Oh yes, especially mirrors.

dissociation discussion

bonus:

[flummoxy]

dissociation discussion

bonus:

[flummoxy]

I did not clean up well, nor was I any good at sports, so I was doomed. Lucky I could perform like a seal grades-wise.

also while i’m ranting about gender i always see debate about whether girls are rewarded for being tomboys or not and it’s like. actually girls are rewarded for mirroring whatever the situation demands of them. girls can’t be too prissy and refuse to play in the creek, but girls also can’t show up to girly events covered in mud. girls can’t have makeup art as a hobby or else they’re superficial, but if they never wear makeup they’re a slob and dumpy, etc. it’s not that girls are universally rewarded or punished for being tomboys, they’re rewarded for bending over backwards to always be exactly right for any given situation and punished for breaking those boundaries. so yes a classically pretty girl who cleans up nice is rewarded when she can ALSO be a tomboy. but a girl who is a tomboy all the time is definitely punished for never being able to achieve that prerequisite feminine side. this debate is over now thanks

[flummoxy]

I wish they knew how cringey they were smh

[flummoxy]

Cw: divorce, mental illness, self harm

I've been listening to romance podcasts, waiting for the time my divorce can be finalized, while my spouse keeps harming themself in a mental hospital. I try not to be a messy bitch all over the internet, but nobody notices me on Tumblr.

I'm listening to Look Up, a podcast about two queer teen boys kind of thrown together with long unspoken crushes on each other that come to fruition as their mom's are about to come back from Mars and it's not been spoken yet, but their lives are possibly set to diverge after that. Chronologically it's not THAT slow burn, but it feels like it with weekly episodes. Listening to it is so intense. I held my breath for several episodes as the tension built and when there's finally payback, I literally burst into tears.

Falling in love with my spouse was so beautiful. Holding their hand for the first time (awkwardly, on a beach), kissing them for the first time, telling them I loved them for the first time, that makeout-for-hours stage that wasn't a phase, the way they used to smile at me. I had been holding my breath all my life for that. Meeting them and loving them and marrying them was such a privilege. They were the most magical creature. I had come out before we met, but no one really believed me until we were together, so sharing that was so special.

Mental illness is really cruel to relationships. It was the cause of the devestating abandonment that led me to move to England in the first place. It hurts the people around you too, as I found out. Maybe I felt I had something to prove, that I could love someone in a way that I wished I had been loved. Maybe I wasn't tough enough, I feel guilty all the time. Likely nothing I could have done would have changed what happened. I should have pulled myself together after my client died suddenly so I could have been more emotionally ready for their 2nd puberty. I shouldn't have gone on holiday alone and maybe they wouldn't have self-harmed so badly. To anyone else I would probably say it was so far beyond the normal expectations of what a relationship could endure, that there's no shame in just not living with the trauma and mistreatment anymore. But the guilt is going to stay with me.

The summer before we got married, we flew to America and went on a road trip through the Redwoods. I took a picture of them smiling and hugging a tree. After they had left me several times, they reposted the picture and said it was one of the best days of their life. When I asked why, they said "Because I got to see the trees." I think that's when I knew it was over. That cruelty that had once been love letters. They had gone from smiling at me through their eyelashes to sneering at me like I was a piece of shit on their show. It was time for me to have a baby, and they actively stood in my way, knowing it's the one thing I want out of life. Everytime I left for work, they would text me that they didn't think we should be together. Now they talk about the divorce like they are being led down a path against their will and are powerless to fight it, but I don't think it's that they want to stay married, especially to me, just that they don't want to be divorce. They've never asked me to stay, never even said "yes" when I asked if they wanted me to, never said they wanted me to come back, never said they would join me here. No grand gestures were ever made.

I had been single for ten years before I met them, and the last relationship before them had been such a spectacular mistake it hardly counts. I feel like I don't have the capacity to fall in love again. I'm 37 and will never get that summer love feeling again.

[flummoxy]

Wait, go back, are there apples really named after the composer?

Someone said to me, “I’m going grocery shopping. Do you want anything?” To which I answered, “Hans Zimmer apples, please,” and they brought me some (they looked like Granny Smith apples but I didn’t get to taste them).

[flummoxy]

Mission accomplished! A flock of butterflies takes flight in my stomach every episode.

Entertainment Spotlight: Briggon Snow, Look Up

Briggon Snow, the creator of the queer coming of age fiction audio fiction Look Up, gives us a look in to the recording (and then re-recording) the podcast with costar Evan Bittencourt (PLL: The Perfectionists), and what he'd put in a time capsule sent to mars. Look down to check out the first episode of Look Up.

[flummoxy]

Entertainment Spotlight: Evan Bittencourt, Look Up

Evan Bittencourt, who you may recognize from Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists, discusses his most recent project – the audio-fiction podcast Look Up, created and written by Briggon Snow and produced by The Bright Sessions' Lauren Shippen. Give this week's episode of Look Up a listen right here:

[flummoxy]

Read more here:

[flummoxy]

[flummoxy]

Untethered

Very weird to be kind of a spiritual free agent. I’m not going to be one of those people who says “I’M NOT A CHRISTIAN ANYMORRRRRE!” because I think those people are annoying and self-righteous, and anyway, I’ll probably never not be a Christian. But only about half of Christianity speaks to me, and that doesn’t seem enough. There are other religions that I’ve been told are only halfway there, so maybe a little of this, a little of that, will make a whole. I don’t know how to find a community that doesn’t unite around beliefs. Even Quakers kind of let people go their own way, but hold some things in common. I feel lost and alone and betrayed and like a lot of relationships, I feel like I should have seen this coming.

[flummoxy]

There’s a new disabled literature database in town, y’all!

If you’re looking for books by disabled authors or that feature accurate representation of disabled characters, be sure to check out the Discriptionary! They have books from every genre under the sun and include descriptions of what disability is being represented in a book and how. If you’re looking to learn more about disability this year, check this database out!

[flummoxy]

Hobbies

My new favorite thing now is taking showers in the dark. The light went out in my bathroom once and I took a shower in the dark and it is RELAXING! It helps that there’s still a little light from the window, but I think even in the early morning/night (although I don’t take showers at night) or in a windowless bathroom, if you had like, a night light or candle it would be enough. Try it!