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flowering-moonlight · 3 years ago

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Tips for cutting off toxic, manipulative, and abusive parents?

I recently wrote a guide to escaping from a toxic household if you are currently living with your parents, but to summarize, cutting them off basically boils down to two things: financial independence and emotional resolve.

When you are cutting your parents out of your life permanently, the most important thing to do is to get yourself into a position where you no longer need them for anything financially. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be debt-free or living a middle class lifestyle - you just need to be able to pay for all of your rent and expenses every month without any assistance from them. If you are still in school, you need to secure a way to pay for your remaining tuition - like a scholarship, needs-based financial aid or student loan - and make sure that you don’t need your parents’ signatures on anything to get that money. Needing any kind of money or material support from your parents gives them leverage over you; it’s something that they can hold over your head to maintain control of you. So long as you rely on them for room and board, tuition or financial support, cutting them off is not going to be a realistic option for you - once they have no financial hold over you anymore, they have no weapon to wield against you.

Achieving financial independence is something that is obviously easier said than done, but as someone who has been financially independent since age 19 (not because my parents are abusive, but because they are flat broke) and financed two degrees by myself, there are a couple of tips that you can use to get there as quickly as possible:

Start saving money in a place where they can’t get it. Make sure that you have a bank account in your name only, so that your parents cannot take money out of your account or tell how much you have.

Start building your credit. You will not have an “oops, mom, I’m short on rent this month, can you send me $200?” lifeline that your peers have. Your “in case of emergency” plan is your credit card. Get a basic credit card - even if it’s a “secured” card that makes you keep $500 in your bank account to get it - and start building your credit. Make one purchase with the card per month and pay it off right away to avoid interest. Be responsible with your card, and build a good credit score as quickly as you can - this will make it much easier for you to rent apartments, get loans and buy a house later down the line.

Get a budgeting app or spreadsheet and learn to use it. Make sure you know exactly how much you earn, how much you spend, how much you’re saving, and how much money you need to have in order to be financially independent. Knowing where your money is going is an essential part of the process.

If you’re in school, try to graduate on time. Make sure you are taking a full course load if you can, and make sure that you are taking the correct courses for graduation. Delaying graduation often means delaying your independence.

Ask for help when you need it. If you are in school, ask your financial aid office or student advisor for information about scholarships, bursaries and grants. If you’re working, ask your boss about professional development and career advancement opportunities.

Take on odd jobs if you need to. I have worked many odd jobs to keep myself afloat and build my savings - you can see if anyone needs babysitting, tutoring, help with yard work, dog walking, etc. I’ve done paid freelancing writing, taught English online, delivered flyers and taken on part-time jobs; sometimes you have to grind a little bit to give yourself a cushion of savings.

Minimize your spending. It goes without saying, but it’s easier to be financially independent if you find ways to live on less money. Find roommates or rent a room in someone’s home instead of finding your own apartment. Try to minimize your subscription services and make sure you’re not paying for subscriptions you no longer use. Learn to cook and make as many meals at home as possible.

The other important component of cutting off manipulative and abusive parents is to gather up your emotional resolve and commit to cutting them out of your life. Toxic and manipulative parents will use every tactic in the book to try to get back into your life - you know your parents best, but expect that they might beg, lie, threaten, make false promises, make appeals for sympathy, or use other underhanded tactics to try to regain control of you. They may drag other people that you care about into the situation and have those people plead on their behalf. Some do whatever they can to get you to drop your guard and let them in again. Start thinking about that possibility now, so that you can prepare for anything they might throw at you. Remember:

Don’t panic if your parents call the cops or report you missing. If you are an adult, you cannot be forced to go home to your parents, even if your parents report you missing. If law enforcement contacts you, answer their questions, explain that your parents are controlling, let them know that you don’t want any help and tell them that you don’t want your personal information released to your parents. Your family will only be told that you were located safe and that your case is closed.

Lock down your social media and online presence. Block your parents from your phone, and make sure that they are blocked from all of your social media accounts so that they cannot get information on you. It may be a good idea to set your accounts to private for a while or change your handles and profile pictures so that they cannot find you.

Prepare yourself for the possibility that you might have to cut off other family members too. When you cut off your parents, brace yourself for the possibility that other members of your family that you were on good terms with - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc - may take your parents’ side, or may reach out to encourage you to forgive your parents “for the sake of the family” or “to keep the peace”. Being free of your parents sometimes means cutting ties with family members who won’t respect your decision.

Remember the reasons that you decided to cut them off in the first place. Sometimes when you’ve been away from an abuser for a while, you will start to forget the abuse and become nostalgic for the good times that you had with that person. You might even decide that you “overreacted” by cutting them off and consider give them a second chance. Tread carefully with this. Remind yourself of the reasons you left.

The first few months after you leave may be difficult. Your parents may fight back against your decision as hard as they possibly can, and you may find that you have a lot of grieving to do - not because you miss your parents, necessarily, but because you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never have the loving and healthy relationship with your parents that you may have wanted. You will get through it. Seek out support from therapists or from other people who have cut off their parents. Focus on forming new, healthy relationships with the people in your life. Build a life free from abuse, a life that makes you happy and fulfilled. Stay strong, stay focused. Remember that you deserved better than your parents were willing to give. Best of luck to you. MM

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flowering-moonlight · 3 years ago

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xiao zhan appreciation [12/ ∞]

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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Credit: @crylica on twitter

#rebagel #txt

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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MO DAO ZU SHI SEASON 3 PV !!!

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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Do not repost My art / Don’t use my paintings without permission.

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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— Yves Olade, “Self Portrait as a Hairpin Turn”

#rebagel #txt #away from keyboard

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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does anyone else ever literally choke up because of how much lan xichen loves his didi or is it just me

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flowering-moonlight · 4 years ago

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双面三异绣 shuāng miàn sān yì xiù is a new genre of suzhou double-sided embroidery. It is done on both sides, but the patterns, stitches and colors are different, hence the name 双面三异绣( literally double-sided triple difference embroidery). It enables the viewer to appreciate the image of traditional chinese embroidery art with different patterns, stitches and colors on one embroidery.

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