fleurdeluneee

[fleurdeluneee]

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Okay, my weight loss is now stalling. Why? I kept eating food that are high in carbs and glucose. I hate this week. I hope I will not give in to temptations next week.

[fleurdeluneee]

Friday, May 8, 2020

Honestly, I can relate to this picture I found on Facebook. At this point, I still don't know what to do with my life. I wanted to do everything all at once. I want to be this, I want to be that. And it's frustrating me out because I can't be what I want to be. There are a lot of things that are keeping me from even trying. And it's sad. It's confusing me. It has even come to a point where I don't know what I want to be anymore. Maybe because I haven't really figured out who I am, I haven't made friends with myself to know about her, and listen to her heart about the things she wants to achieve.

As I've came across people who made me realize things, I think I've come to know a bit about myself. But I guess, at least, I certainly know what I don't want to be.

[fleurdeluneee]

Monday, May 4, 2020

My diet somehow worked. I lost 2 kg. My motivation to reach my goal to weigh 50 kg went up. I am kinda happy. I really hope nothing could turn me down.

[fleurdeluneee]

Friday, May 1, 2020

I am completely and disgustingly disgusted, like, my disgust is immeasurable towards "religious people" who keeps shoving their beliefs up people's throat. Like, they judge you for cussing, not going to church, questioning God, for getting abortion, engaging in pre-marital sex, etc, yet they turn a blind eye towards murder, corruption and everything else that is happening right now in our country. They'd make every death feel like the dead people deserved it. Your evident hypocrisy will always make us equal, no matter how religious you are.

[fleurdeluneee]

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Nothing much happened this week.

I started missing a lot of people, I missed hanging out with them. Oooh, I wish all of these to be over soon.

[fleurdeluneee]

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

I never would've thought I'd get myself an undercut. I was really nervous on how it would turn out, but I guess it was okay.

[fleurdeluneee]

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Tired. I am tired. This is actually the first time that I don't feel happy just staying at home. The first two weeks of this quarantine, I'm actually okay with it.

But right now, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've felt a rollercoaster of emotions. And I'm not okay with this. It's not enough to go out of our frontyard. I want to go out and see what's out there, beyond the gates, beyond the checkpoints, hell, my feet are aching to walk and run till they don't wanna walk anymore. I missed that feeling.

I really really wished for all this to be over. I cannot wait for that day to come. I am hoping it will.

[fleurdeluneee]

Wed, April 1, 2020.

I've gained a lot of weight since last year, and I bet, I'd gain more this year. I'm so sad with this rapid weight growth I'm experiencing. I guess this has something to do with my body being this way.

You see, I barely gain any weight before. I ate a lot, and my weight will always be the same. I think it was because I was kinda active before unlike now, I've become really really lazy.

That's why, I will try this workout routine. I'll be starting today, or, tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it, lol.

Okay, current measurements:

Shoulder: 11.5"

Bust/Chest: 35.5"

Waist: 30.5"

Hips: 36"

Thigh: 21.5"

Weight: 62 kg

Week 1, Day 1

Also, I'll try only eating half a cup of rice. This is gonna be hard, I am a rice person. Wish me luck :>

[fleurdeluneee]

03.27.2020

I wonder when I'd get to see the world outside. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if this will ever end.

I hope everything will be alright soon. I pray everything will be.

[fleurdeluneee]

03.18.2020

I uninstalled my facebook and twitter today. I cannot handle how stupid people could get.

I have grown to hate the government for how they have handled the pandemic. They don't look like they were planned thoroughly. They could have done something better, yet they chose not to. How are they expecting their citizens to cooperate if what they were doing is not really for everyone? Everyday, a new case for this virus are announced, the numbers are growing. People are getting more anxious. And what did they do? They are mad at those who were pointing out their mistakes. What a government we have.

This pandemic has exposed the people who lacks empathy, how much they hated their own race, how blind they are for being loyal to this incompetent government. And it is sad.

[fleurdeluneee]

I used to love the dark when I was a kid. I felt more comfortable sleeping in the darkness because I hate bright lights or any light visible. It all stopped when I started having bad dreams – dreams I thought were real, it made me look for a trace of light just to calm myself when I opened my eyes. 

Then, I started to experience sleep paralysis. I didn’t know what it was back then and I don’t know how to deal with it when I’m in the middle of it. I wanted to move, to breathe, to scream but I couldn’t. It felt like something was sitting on me, casting a magic spell on me so I would be paralyzed. When it was finally over, I breathed as hard as I can. My heart was racing, I was sweating and I was alone in my room that night. 

The next morning, I asked my mom about it. She told me I had sleep paralysis. She instructed me what to do when it happens, and up until this day, I’d never, and would never forget about her advice. She said, “You need to move your fingers and your toes, and I know that’d be a hard thing to do, but you need to at least try. Do not open your eyes as you will see something you might not like. Pray and then trust God and His angels to guide you and to save you. Count your fingers as you try to move them.” These advice would always save me, since then, I’m not afraid of this thing happening.

But there was one night, when I experienced it, I was really terrified that I let the lights on until morning. It was dark, as usual, in my room, when I decided to sleep because I got tired from scrolling Facebook. At first, I cannot move, just then, when I thought I’ve broken free, I haven’t. I thought I turned the lights on, but I haven’t. I was hallucinating. What scared me the most was that I heard chilling screams, IN MY HEAD. They’re all in my head, I wanted to smash my head right then and there just to block out all the noises. The screams sounded like people suffering, begging for help, and I just lied there, trying my best to move, prayed one, two, a lot of Our Fathers but I still cannot move. I closed my eyes, concentrated on moving my fingers, counting them including my toes, repeatedly, and eventually, it ended.

I sat up, turned the lights. I didn’t care that the lights blinded me, but ever since that night, I started sleeping with the lights on, a bright one that is. I can still remember how it felt to this day, and I’m glad and hoped that I would and could never experience it again.

[fleurdeluneee]

Are you broke and in college? Because same. The thing is, I eat a lot too and I can’t not eat when I’ll feel hunger because ya know, I’d get headaches and stuff.

Leaving the country life, being far from home and mom’s homemade meals just to get a degree was really hard for me. The first five months of staying in the city where I’m studying were the hardest times for me. We had bridging classes to see if we could survive and decide if this major is for us. I survived that two-month trial, and thought, “What could go wrong? This was easier than I thought.” 

I want to slap myself for thinking like that because man, when the school year started, I WANTED TO QUIT. The urge to shift majors was really strong. I regretted taking that major. I couldn’t keep up with how hard and expensive that major was. And by expensive, iT’S REALLY THAT EXPENSIVE. I bought the expensive materials because the quality is really good compared to cheap ones. But I felt like those things weren’t fit for a beginner like me. 

I won’t talk about the profs because they might kill me for pouring my heart out in this post on what I think about them….. 

I used to think that college is all fun and parties and overnight group studies with friends you get drunk with and cry, but NO. It’s the complete opposite. Everyone is too busy to have fun, and some boarding houses do not accept guests and have curfews. Everybody’s too broke to even live their life because everything in the city is expensive and can sometimes be scary.