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firstfootsteps-blog · 8 years ago

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First Steps to Freedom

I know what you’re thinking, “First steps to freedom? From what?” Well for starters, the hospital. NO really, think about it, no nurses, no orderlies, no doctors checking in on you EVERY SINGLE HOUR for the first day and then never seeing them again, no midnight “I have to change your IV,” bull crap, instead you get to start your own schedule for your baby, minus the feeding and diaper changing, they plan that first thing every day as you plan your first cup of coffee at 3 am because the baby is up and now so are you.

The first steps to freedom honestly are those first steps out of the hospital, and you get to prepare for 18+ years your child will be with you. I know I said this blog would be mostly for teenage moms, but if you’re just a regular ol’ mom sitting here reading this thinking “Damn now I want coffee even though it’s 7pm” but you just had your first baby, know there are going to be so many more first steps, not just for your child, but for you as well. The first poop-up-the-back experience will be a great first step for most of us, but nothing is funnier than seeing people who have never changed a diaper before freak out because the tabs won’t stick, or the diaper cream feels weird, or what if the baby pees on you? I had those experiences when I was 8 and was presented my niece and was told “You’re gonna learn to change a diaper,” so I was prepared thanks to having a sibling way older than me and being able to practice on his kids, my boyfriend on the other hand never changed a diaper in his life and our Lamaze class sure as heck didn’t teach us, but he learned pretty quickly and I try to pass all the poopy diapers to him if we’re being honest.

Back to actual business though, as a mom your first steps will probably be choosing how to feed your baby, breast or bottle, maybe both. I chose breast first, but like I said in my last post, my baby went right to the NICU and was bottle fed breast milk for the first 4 days before they wouldn’t allowed me to breast feed, and let me tell you, PUMPING HURTS, even if you do it at certain times and even if you’re doing it right, it is an automatic sucking machine and it pulls on your nipples like those cow milking machines, but it is all worth it and you get numbing cream you can buy so it helps. I did breast feed in public, but not a lot and I always draped something over her, I was lucky to not have anyone say anything to me, but if they did I’m sure ugly crying and yelling “I’M JUST A MOM TRYING TO FEED A STARVING CHILD JUST LIKE YOUR MOM PROBABLY DID FOR YOU” would have scared them away. I have a gluten allergy so I have to eat gluten free (even though I don’t mostly and my body hates me for it) and I was after my baby was born so I could be healthy for her, but then we found out she had a lactose allergy and I couldn’t live off of just lettuce and meat, I need dairy in my life, I love cheese, so we moved her over to soy based formula when she was 2 ½ months, as a mother who has done both, I’m here to tell you, there is no right way, as long as your baby is eating and healthy, you are awesome. That’s our second step, realizing we are awesome because we carried this glorious tiny human, or more, in us for about 9 months and then we get up, and make all these decisions for them which will always have some people saying it’s wrong and the others saying it’s right and yet our kids grow up working, healthy human beings and that’s all that matters.

Your child’s first steps will not be steps at all, they will be first smile, giggle, first time holding their head up, first time turning from their back to belly or vice versa. First steps take time, your child will learn on their own terms, this is their first and only time being this tiny human who is learning, so if it takes your child 4 months to smile, that’s fine. My child was ahead of the curve for being premature except for giggling, I swear, it took her months to actually start laughing at anyone, and now she can’t stop, especially when she’s around her Ammie (that’s our word for Auntie). If you do have concerns about anything you think your baby may not being doing on time though, never be afraid to go see the doctor, they will let you know if your child really is behind or if you’re just a first-time parent freaking out because your kid doesn’t sneeze right. Also, never really believe what the internet says because if you Google “Why is my child not sleeping through the night?” the first couple of responses will be yahoo answers or WebMD and we all know Yahoo answers mostly has internet trolls convincing you it’s Lucifer and WebMD will answer “LOL IDK, maybe cancer.” Seriously, again, do not trust the internet for any self-diagnosis on your child, or you for that matter.

First steps to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. We all do, but for some there’s this big one, and it’s an evil thing that will tear you up and you won’t even know and the people around you won’t either until sometimes it can be too late. I’m talking about Post-Partum. We all think it won’t happen to us, but it does. I have never been diagnosed with it, and no doctor wants to test me for it since it’s been over a year and I’ve had depression since middle school, but I know my depression has gotten worse since having my child, but it’s not as bad as it can be if it is untreated. Many women have ended up in the hospital shortly after having their baby because of hurtful or even suicidal thoughts due to Post-Partum, I am begging you, if you are feeling so in despair after having your child, seek help immediately, it Is not something you will be punished for, it is an unhealthy balance of hormones in your head and you are not you, and you need to take care of yourself before you take care of your child, and if your argument is you won’t do anything about it because your baby needs you and you don’t have time for help, that’s not taking care of your child, that’s making their life worse because you couldn’t get help when you had the chance. I’m not saying if you don’t get help you’re a horrible person, sometimes it’s a matter of time when you realize you need it, I took over 6 months to try and I got blown off saying it was too late to diagnose me even though I had read of women who still try to hurt themselves or their child months or even up to 3 years later due to not being diagnosed. Please take the first steps to getting help if needed.

First steps to motherhood is also realizing you are all alone. Yes you have everyone around you, your support system, your friends, family, and of course the baby, but you are alone. You are still feeling a plethora of emotions and have all these hormones, no one else in this exact moment is having these feelings and even if your best friend and you had babies at the same time (it happens), they do not have the same after effect feelings you will have. It is okay to be alone, just don’t push people away, that was my biggest problem, and still is, I feel like I am in this alone because that is just how my emotions are now programmed due to the fact I’m the only teen mom at work, I feel like I’m doing everything to keep my head above water but I’m still drowning and somehow, I’m still not doing enough because I’m not there 24/7 for my child. I am alone in this feeling, and I’m sure there are others out there feeling the same way, but in the end even if you are content at this moment, at some point throughout the first year you may feel alone because there will be a quiet moment where it is just you and your baby and that’s when you’ll realize you are the only one feeling your exact feelings, and that’s okay, that’s what makes you stronger.

First steps are only mile one in your long journey, just make sure to remember first steps are usually followed by falling down, but if we stayed down we’d probably be like those space people from Wall-E, we do get back up again until first steps turn into second, and thirds and then we are walking everywhere. Enjoy the moments you will have on this long journey with your child, because eventually there will be final steps with them because they will be adults one day and taking their first steps with their babies, and you will begin first steps of a whole new kind. Maybe not enjoy all the first steps, but at least enjoy the baby steps and remember, you are doing your best, and I believe in you. As you read this post today, take in the fact that it is okay to feel and be emotional, as long as you don’t let it harm you or your family, you will get through everything life and this baby will throw at you. You are super mom.

-K

#motherhood #teenmom #mom #emotional #supermom

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firstfootsteps-blog · 8 years ago

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First Steps Take Time

As you lay there on the cold cot, while they fish around trying to find the small blip that will change your life, thousands of emotions will fill you instantly, some happy, some sad, some “I can’t do this” some “I can’t wait to do this,” but all feelings still come and they will be there for the rest of your life.

For most teen moms once they find out they’re pregnant, their first thought is “Oh God, what am I going to do?” At least is was for me because I wasn’t quite graduated yet, I had 2 weeks, I knew telling my mom would probably upset her, and I didn’t want to be that girl, you know the one who gets pregnant and just like in the movies and on T.V who never does anything farther in life. Of course, that isn’t what happens in most situations.

I found out at 17 years old, just 3 weeks shy of turning 18, that I was 4 months pregnant. I know your first thought is probably, “How did you not know?” Well it’s simple, I just didn’t know. I had no signs, no nausea, no weight gain, and I was still bleeding every month around my normal time, I am a type one Diabetic meaning that it is normal for my blood sugars to be low in the first trimester, but it’s also normal for them to be low when you are exercising or playing a sport like I was. Yes, I played lacrosse, but again I had no idea until after the season was over that I was pregnant otherwise I would have quit.

First steps were hard for me, I found out I was pregnant in April of 2015 taking 2 at home pregnancy tests, then I had my boyfriend, who is 3 years older than me and wants everything to do with our child, make an appointment for me at Planned Parenthood., and before you stop reading, I was not there for an abortion, and they never offered me one, after they confirmed I was pregnant they got me in to see a doctor who worked for them but informed me that their office did not offer prenatal care due to lack of resources. She did however offer me information on prenatal care and afterwards asked me “What would you like to do?” in regards to the baby inside of me, I was still technically in the time frame for an abortion, but I told her I was planning on keeping it, and that was the end of discussion.

Pregnancy was hard for me, once it was out in the open that I was pregnant and my parents had time to digest it, I had my first prenatal checkup. I had to go 45 minutes to see a doctor who was my only choice for the time being because 4 months without care can be dangerous to any baby. The father of my child was fully invested in the birth and his mother gave us a ride to the doctor’s. When we got to the doctor’s they did blood work, but said it might be too late to do the blood work for down syndrome or any other disabilities like it, which I informed them was fine because I still wanted the baby growing so fast inside of me. I will always remember the ultra sound they gave me there because everyone was in the room, and I was the only one not crying. It’s not that I wasn’t happy, it’s that I was in over my head with not being able to believe I had a little person inside of me, and they were growing.

I got a job at a place I had worked before so I could help with the expenses that my future child would bring, it wasn’t the easiest even though it was food service, but working drive thru for a busy fast food place next to a highway with rude customers and your emotions all over the place can make any job seem like Hell, plus smelling like grease and sadness does not help either. It did get harder bending over to get extra cups and lids off bottom shelves, and running from drive thru window to the area where the food is delivered from the kitchen, despite it being like 15ft from each other. Up until the night I thought I was giving birth, it worked for me though. On a semi-slow night in mid-September, I felt the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and they were not Braxton hicks contractions, these were so much painful, but I was determined to finish my shift because I hate missing work, not because I like it but because I made a promise to work for the people who hired me and I should be there when I’m scheduled. I did not finish my shift unfortunately because I was told to go home by an awesome supervisor who wanted me to be healthy and safe, plus the person at the drive thru window jokingly told me I shouldn’t have the baby right then and there. After finally going home, calling the doctor and following all the steps they told me to follow, including taking an hour-long bath, to prevent me from coming to the hospital, I finally went. 5 hours later I got sent home even though I was 3 cm dilated, but since I wasn’t dilating anymore I had to go, which is normal. I had no pains the rest of the pregnancy so when it was finally time, I had no idea.

You know those dreams where you’re falling and you can’t wake yourself up until after it’s happening? That happened to me, except I dreamed I had peed myself which I had not done in a very long time, and I was so embarrassed in my dream I woke up, and when I did I was completely soaked. I thought I had honestly peed myself and the bed, but when I went to the bathroom at 3am and started cleaning up, I realized there was no smell to my clothes and there was too much liquid for me to have peed, but I was not having any contractions, which meant I could be in early stages of labor but still needed to get to the hospital. I woke my boyfriend up and texted my parents I was going to the hospital, it was 3:30am by the time we got there and I was starting to slowly feel the pain but it was sporadic, and not enough to make me freak out, but I’m sure I made the nurses all laugh when I told them “I’m not sure if I peed myself or my water broke.” I was taken up to the top floor which is the delivery floor, and was informed I was at 6/10 cm and my water had in fact broke. My boyfriend and I agreed to only us in the delivery room no other family, but his mother had come to see me in the time of the rest of my labor, and I will be thankful for that forever because of how tired my boyfriend was he was no use for a distraction and she was very good at it. I did get the epidural which I’m not sure was put in right due to the fact I had been practically convulsing from the pain, except now looking back I didn’t really feel pain but I felt the need to push constantly, which still made me shake uncontrollably enough to make me vomit several times. My greatest joy during labor was the “peanut ball” which is an inflatable ball like those yoga ball things, except it was peanut shaped and small enough to fit between my legs and I cried when they took it from me, I believe it was the thing that helped me go through labor so fast because it kept my hips apart. I was in labor for approximately 6 ½ hours which is very short for any pregnancy especially the first, but some women give birth in under an hour and I’m jealous of them.

I had a complicated pregnancy due to the diabetes, but the pushing was hard as well because I felt my child get stuck and fought with the doctor delivering my baby because they told me I just wasn’t pushing hard enough, even though I was pushing as hard as I could every time I had a contraction which was maybe every 30 seconds apart. If you haven’t given birth yet, they may make you hold your breath for 10 seconds at a time for 3 times in a row, that’s 30 seconds not being able to breathe and pushing, then for me 30 seconds of “rest”. I begged my doctor to look at my child because I knew something was wrong and I was actually in pain now, but was told I didn’t know what I was talking about because I had the epidural, if you’re still reading this, never trust the doctor if they say that, because you are the one pushing out a tiny human, not them. After 2 hours of pushing I think the doctor finally understood I could not get my child past a certain point, and my doctor decided to go in with their hands and pull my daughter out, making my third degree tear into a fourth degree tear, I was then told my daughter had gotten caught on my pelvis during labor, so not only did I have a fourth degree tear, but also a child delivered with shoulder dysplasia meaning I’m not allowed to have a natural birth ever again, and when I have another baby I will need to have a C-Section, which was never in my plans as a parent, but as I’ve learned and come to terms with, nothing will ever go as plan ever again and I will have to be okay with that.

On October 19, 2015, at 9:06am I gave birth to the most perfect little baby in the whole world, at 8lbs 14oz, 21 ¼ in long, also born at 36 weeks, 4 days along, I had a preemie who was the size of a 3 week old full term baby, that I couldn’t hold for longer than a minute after she was born, I didn’t even get to hold her immediately because they said she wasn’t breathing when she first came out, again because she was stuck inside of me without air, and when I got to hold her they took her away again to take her to the NICU where all diabetic babies are taken, her father went with her which was okay, and by that time my mom had come to the hospital and she and my boyfriend’s mother spent the next hour with me in the delivery room as the epidural wore off and I was cleaned up. I could hear my boyfriend’s mother tell my mother that she was at the door the whole time and did not hear any screaming from me that usually comes from the delivery floor, and all I could think of was “yeah because I couldn’t breathe,” and when I was finally reunited with the little human I worked so hard to bring into the world, I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, despite the cone head, and the swollenness of her whole body. 15 months later and I’m here to tell you, it may not get entirely easier, because each stage has its challenges, but the moment you meet your child, and maybe you already have, it is the greatest thing that will happen to you.

I Hope you're prepared for all your first steps.

-K

#motherhood #mother #teenmom #mystory #firstchild #firstbaby #happy #firststeps

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