firstdeathandlust

[firstdeathandlust]

i mean it's going great with this guy, had 'fun' for a few more times and i'm lowkey satisfied. like i've never ever been shocked that a guy could be this fucking genuine and caring and it's crazy. just insane. he actually genuienly likes me and that is fucking wild. i'm scared of losing him honestly. i still haven't developed feelings of love or anything past that but wow, i am scared if this does not last long. he lowkey restored my hope that there are actually kind men out there, that show care and are prepared to take care for you. he's so cute as well :)

[firstdeathandlust]

His dick was so good, it felt nice just wish it lasted longer

[firstdeathandlust]

I had sex tonight after more than a year of being celibate, lol

[firstdeathandlust]

Why not me

[firstdeathandlust]

I no longer hold the will of self preservation

[firstdeathandlust]

I hold so much hatred and rage in my heart. I refuse and I hate people being physically close to me. I I feel scared to be in the same vicinity as some people. I hate him. He fucked me over. I hate him so much.

[firstdeathandlust]

I hate men they have all wronged me

[firstdeathandlust]

i hate you so much. you've ruined me. and i still seek that damn validation. i only hold hatred in my heart for you. you cruel motherfucker.

[firstdeathandlust]

what is my purpose in life? i suppose it's to create something beautiful and revolutionary that will help people. my purpose in life is create and help others. i want to make beautiful things like architecture. i want to learn more, do more, so i can help more. i dont want my existence to mean nothing. i want to preserve what i have and become the best possible person imaginable.

[firstdeathandlust]

No cuz I feel like sxicidal and shit because of everything that is not going on in y life. What the fuck. What am I not doing? What the fuck should I be doing?

[firstdeathandlust]

This year has just been fuxking karma for me

[firstdeathandlust]

My friends are keeping me single this is pathetic

[firstdeathandlust]

I just feel so fucking sick for being single and a year fucking celibate. This isn't fucking fair why did my ex land on that bitch within 2 months and im still single? This shits disgusting ngl

[firstdeathandlust]

Of course I'm fucking mad at this world, I've been lied to, my secrets have been exposed, I've been mistreated. Just fuck everyone

[firstdeathandlust]

An open letter I'll never send.

Hi, I'm sorry to text you out of the blue, and I know it's way overdue, but I wanted to say that I am sorry for breaking your heart. There are so many things to apologise and discuss for, but I'll be accountable for what i remember currently and that i want to apologise for. Our relationship was so compex that I can only hope that it gives you some piece of mind and clarity with what i want to say.

I'm sorry for shutting your off for the months leading up and after the break up. I'm sorry that my focus on academic work hindered our relationship. I'm sorry for ever being so disgusting and dehumanising towards you. I'm sorry for letting my rationality and logic overrule what tender moments we had. I'm sorry for being so controlling at times.

Parts of what you did fucked up my perception of what love is and what it meant to me. I didnt feel loved the way I wanted to be loved. In all honesty I was chasing a fantasy and potential which you weren't going to develop into, because you are your own person. I sometimes wish we did merge into that one person that you desired for us to become, I was just hesitant because I was afraid of becoming you, with memories that still hurt me so much from past actions. I wanted so badly to give you what you wanted, the mind is the most powerful tool after all, and all I wanted from the beginning was to sacrifice everything for you, I let down my morality and boundaries and I let you had it all. We both know how that went. I felt robbed of what little innocence I had left, you took it and ran. But being a "grown up/ mature" person i realized that i need to make more vulnerable and emotional mistakes sometimes. The love I felt for you developed then to truly help you become stronger than your own demons. But that was not my job. What I learnt through this karmic relationship was that I can never ever redirect a person, everyone is on their own path of growth and divine timing. I can't play martyr to save someone else no matter how genuine my intentions were. I was playing in the cards of justice, fairness and rationality with an ultimate goal to save people, but being a people pleaser never ends right.

I'm still bitter at the events which led to the ending of our relationship. I felt disrespected when you didn't invite me to the hangouts when you were back, even less when you gave me back my mangas, adamant about lending me a plastic bag to carry my books back. I didn't want to hear what you had to say because I was so bitter and resentful for letting you having the last word and say in this relationship, it always felt that way, it just felt that your presence overdominated mine and i had no place in this world. I was meek and insecure, i couldnt stand up to you until i have had enough. I am also bitter that we didn't have more intellectual and stimulating conversations. I'm bitter that we didn't go on actual dates, outside, did things out of our comfort zones.

By now you should know that my reactions and processing of trauma takes time as i constantly distract myself. Nothing in life feels worth fighting for. I genuinely dont find pleasure in anything that i do. I dont get a thrill to chase after things, i just do them cuz i know i am capable. What i want is already lost, that is, I don't want to be back in a relationship with you, I just truly miss all of the good moments we both shared.

I'll never be able to confront you like this. And I'm sorry.

[firstdeathandlust]

Life is not worth living anymore.

[firstdeathandlust]

its not even funny just how much i want to end things because i still dont feel like i am a part of a community with likeminded individuals, who get me, who i like, who i want to be associated with. i just want to be a part of something, to live out my fantasies, to stop being a stranger within a friend group, the new one. i want to end things cuz i do create my own suffering and i have not found a larger group of likeminded individuals. people who are pretty, charismatic, caring, charming, rich, experienced, open, very open minded, experimental etc. i have an issue where i want to be free and explore, but i am constantly constraining myself like on an emotional and intellectual level with other people. i feel ostracized and alienated. i just want attention, to be loved and cared for, to feel like i am a part of something. please i want and i need undying attention and love and affection i feel like i have so much to give, i have so much to offer and i just need a chance. i want to be reciprocated. appreciated, i need that devotion that sense of openness and expressiveness. please im begging.

ill do anything.