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[firenationtealord]

We cannot erase the mistakes of the past. We can only work to improve the present, and help lay a better path for the future.

[firenationtealord]

Hello, Uncle Iroh!

This isn’t really a question so much as it is just a nice little message. I always see you giving advice to people who need it, and I understand that it can be heavy to shoulder all of these stories. I want you to know that I and many others appreciate your advice. Thank you for always listening.

Also, I recently got some Darjeeling tea and I’m excited to try it!

Ah! Darjeeling is one of my favorites! I hope that you enjoy it!

A nice cup of tea always helps to lighten the load.

[firenationtealord]

Hello Uncle Iroh,

I could really use some advice right now. My best friend of 9 years suddenly decided to end our friendship because I've been going through a really hard time with my mental health and distancing myself from everyone so nobody has to suffer witb me, also because they had feelings for me that I was unaware of till now, but I'm also in a relationship which they knew about and have been for the past 3 years. I'm just so angry at them right now cause they were a big part of my life for so long. How do I stop feeling so angry all the time 😞

I understand your hurt, although if you are willing to be patient with an old man, I would perhaps like to offer some additional guidance before we speak of your anger.

I know that when you are struggling, it feels like the best thing to do is avoid sharing that burden with your friends. Like they are better off without your troubles. But what you must understand is, these people are your friends because you matter to them. Your troubles matter to them. Pushing away harms not only yourself, but it harms them too. There is a difference between dragging them down, and allowing someone inside the space of your sadness of their own free will. Many times the kindest thing we can do for our friends is to let them help us when we are suffering.

Now, to your friend. I cannot say why they left precisely. It may be that it hurt them to see you suffer and not be able to help, if as you say you were keeping your distance. As for their feelings… sometimes these things do not make sense. Some people can have romantic feelings for someone and learn to put it aside. Others find it more difficult, and perhaps your friend tried for a while and found it painful. But at the end of the day, we can only control what we do, not what others do.

You are allowed to be angry. Take the time you need with your anger, but do not let it consume you. Breathe with it. Turn it over in your mind and try to learn what it is trying to tell you. Anger is often a protective emotion, and it is up to you to determine what it is trying to protect - sometimes the answer truly is that it is protecting yourself. Sometimes, as was often the case with my nephew Zuko, anger is only trying to protect your pride, and you must break through it to see the path ahead.

Ultimately you will need to come to a place of peace with that anger, work within the bounds of what you can control, and let go what you cannot.

[firenationtealord]

May your new year be kind.

[firenationtealord]

Sometimes the world feels like an endless battle, and it is difficult to let your guard down to rest. Seek out those you can trust to share the burden, take shifts when you can, and rest to fight another day.

[firenationtealord]

Hey uncle,

You've been so helpful in the past so I figured I'd ask for your help once more.

My partner has had a really rough childhood. They now have crippling complex PTSD which makes them unable to work and finish their studies. They have been on medical leave from work for the past 6 months and won't get back to work in the foreseeable future. It's not easy for them and it's not easy for me as someone who loves them and cares for them but we talk it out and manage to work out most of our difficulties together.

I'm concerned because I come from a family that is truly loving but at the same time have really right winged opinions, especially concerning work and being dependant on social services. They also believe in a lot of harmful stereotypes concerning mental illness.

They seem concerned for them and ask me about them a lot but I'm really scared of how they'd react and treat them if they knew they're not going to graduate and get a job and will pretty much be depending on me financially.

I'm scared my family will reject them or feel like they're not good for me. I just want everyone to get a long and for them to support me by supporting and accepting the person I love. I know I couldn't confront them if they ended up thinking all those bad things I fear because they wouldn't be upfront about it, it would just be an agressive and uncomfortable climate (which it already kind of is sometimes)...

I don't want to mention my fears to my partner because they're already going through so much and would be so hurt if they thought my family would reject them. I really don't know how to navigate and if I should trust my family or my instincts.

I think your partner needs to be included in whatever you decide to do in this case. As it is their reputation you are concerned for, your partner would best be able to tell you whether they wish your parents to know, or keep quiet, and which parts of that information they wish you to share.

As for confrontation, I know it can be concerning. But if your family is being unjust, and it is safe for you to refute them, sometimes it is, in fact, better for long term harmony to stand your ground. You do not have to do so unkindly, but these things have a way of festering, if you intend to maintain a relationship with your family.

Only you and your partner can truly decide which ground you are willing to give and which you must stand up for, but, and this is especially important given your partner's history, you must make this decision together. Taking away their agency does them no favors, If they have already seen some of this conflict with your family, you already have an easy opening. Tell them that you know your family can be difficult, and you wanted to know how they would like you to handle your family's questions.

[firenationtealord]

Uncle Iroh,

I could really use your advice if you can spare a moment. I’m a young lady in my late 20s and am currently engaged. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, but I find that I’m unhappy. For some time I questioned why I was so unhappy when this should be a joyous time in my life. I found the reason for my despair when confiding in a friend. In truth I had lost sight of myself while trying to please my partner. I had pushed aside things I loved and values I held close just to make things work, causing me to feel empty. I’ve confided in this same friend several times now and find that I’ve become attracted to them, possibly due to the fact they share the values I have. This friend accepts me for who I am, even the pieces of me that have become broken and crumbled. I know I should leave my fiancé and work on bettering myself before starting something with someone else, but I’m afraid. Part of me wishes to tell my friend how I feel, even though I know I should take time to find myself again. I suppose I’m afraid that if I don’t say something my friend will find someone else. I’ve questioned telling them I like them and asking them if they’d be willing to wait for me, but that seems a selfish thing to ask. I’m also afraid in regards to leaving my fiancé. Change is not easy and I worry how he will react when I say I need to leave. Any wisdom you can provide me is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Your Niece

Only you can truly know your own heart in this matter, but it sounds like you are worried the most about losing yourself to someone else. You did not say whether you have tried communicating this issue with your partner, but I believe that, at least, may be the first step, even if it still leads to leaving him. That is, if it is safe to do so. I do not know all of your situation. But it sounds like you do not feel he will listen to you, and if that is truly the case, it is better to know now than to continue waiting. If you have been living together, relying on each other, it may be more difficult, so take what steps you need to and make sure you have a plan in place.

It is sometimes the case that we develop feelings for someone who has helped us, as a way to separate from an old partner and cope with our anguish. I cannot tell you whether that is what is happening here. If you feel communicating with your friend is the best course of action, I often find these things can be talked out. Do not ask them to wait for you, but you can still make your feelings known, and leave that choice up to them. Take your time to find yourself, but be certain you are not then asking your friend to lose themself to please you. A good relationship must be founded on respect from both sides.

[firenationtealord]

Uncle, first I want to thank you for your kindness and generosity for always offering tea and wisdom, it brightens many a dark day for me, and I hope you're taking care of yourself too. When you get a chance, I would appreciate your wisdom for a situation I'm in.

My dog had to be put down 2 months ago, and my roommate's dog (who I kind of adopted as a little bit of my dog too) had to be put down 9 days after. This happened awhile back, and I thought I was processing it okay, but recently, I've hit a wall where I just feel sad and exhausted and miss them so much it physically hurts. I know I did my best taking care of them, and it was the right thing to do for both of them, but I can't help but feel that there's a portion of myself that's dead now and I'll have to carry this weight for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to live with this much grief?

Thank you again for the tea, and thank you for listening

I understand. There is a hole in your heart where those dogs used to live, and the shape of it will never fully be the same again. Recovery from such grief is a slow process, and it is not linear. Sometimes you will be doing well and then something will tear the wound wide open again. In times when you would have sought them out for comfort, it can be even harder.

You are not wrong. A piece of you did die with them - the piece that was you-when-you-are-with-the-dogs. Everyone who enters and leaves our lives will give and take a little, and pets are no different. But you still have that piece of them in you as well. You hold onto it. You cherish it.

Grief does not disappear, I am afraid. But the pain becomes less sharp over time. Two months is, after all, a very short time in the grand scheme of things. The "firsts" will sting. Anniversaries of things you remember. But it will dull. Still hurt from time to time, but you will be able to see through the hurt with greater clarity. You may find that on the anniversary of their deaths each year you feel sad even if you don't notice the day, and wonder why until you are reminded. This can happen years later. It is worth taking that time to slow down and remember what joys you can.

And eventually the memories of joy will start to fill in over the weight and the pain.

[firenationtealord]

Hello Uncle, I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I grew up in an abusive home and have always found it hard to love myself due to what my family had said. Even as a young adult I still struggle to love myself and tend to doubt who I am. I ask myself who I am and who I want to be, but I can never seem to find the answer. How can I learn to love myself? How do I figure out my purpose and who I should be?

You do not learn to love yourself right away. Not if it is so difficult. Begin by learning to tolerate your own presence. To accept that as a living being you have the right to exist and be cared for. Eventually as you learn what caring for yourself looks like, you can work up to liking yourself. And understand that the path can be winding. Even after you someday learn to love yourself you will have days you hate yourself, and it does not mean you have lost all your progress. It simply means you are human and working through your emotions.

As for who you are and who you want to be, why be in a hurry? I have often found that forcing these things can lead to frustration and further unhappiness. Find what you can content yourself with, here and now. Just one step. For the moment, stop craning your neck to see what lies beyond the bend in the road, and see the terrain beneath you. When you are ready take another step. And another. In whatever direction seems best to you at the time. I find that very few life choices are impossible to recover from, though they may lead you to where you did not expect. Eventually you will pass around that bend in the road and be able to see a future for yourself. But for now, allow yourself to be, and I think you will learn who you are along the way.

[firenationtealord]

Hello. I know that you have a lot of wisdom, so I figured that I ask you something. Over the last 3 years or so, I have had this ongoing crush with a boy and over that time, I'm pretty sure it could've been reciprocated. We would make frequent eye contact and once we officially met literally this year, I think we have gotten closer. I know it sounds childish, but we have both shown signs that psychologists believe demonstrate feelings of interest. The only problem is the fact that he is rather shy and we are both capricorns, so we will probably never confess our feelings to each other. At least in my mind, I know I will never confess my feelings because I do not 100% know if he likes me back the way I like him. I also thought that he might've liked one of my friends as well, but I see the way they interact and I feel that it isn't the same as our interactions. I'm just confused and very scared to confess my thoughts because others I know have before to him and got rejected (bc he did not feel the same way). What should I do?

I suspect you already know the true answer, but I will add my insight:

You will never know if you do not ask.

But you wish to go into this prepared. So I think perhaps it would be wise to reflect upon what it is you truly want. These others he has rejected, were they able to remain friends with him? Are you worried you will lose it all if you confess, or merely that he will not reciprocate your crush? You must decide what holds the most importance, and let go that which you cannot control.

If you believe you can confess your feelings to him and remain friends if he does not return them, you lose nothing that you already have, but stand to gain more. A rejection can sting, but never taking the chance is like an eternity of rejection.

Now, if you have good reason to believe he does not want such attention from anyone at all, perhaps it is best to let this one go. But otherwise I think, if you can make it clear that there is no pressure and nothing has to change if he doesn't want it to, telling him may ease your mind. And if, like many people with crushes, you have been acting a little different around him without realizing it, it may ease his mind as well.

[firenationtealord]

hello Uncle Iroh 🙏🏻

im wondering so far what is the best rn, giong with the flow or making my own way?

There is a time for each, I think. But it is also worth remembering that, in flowing, over time water carves its own path.

[firenationtealord]

Dear Sir, for a few years now, I have been active in social and environmental activism, signing petitions in support of progressive actions (plus sharing said petitions, to spread the word), and taking surveys. The organizations that I support also constantly send me messages asking for donations. I don't currently have the means to donate, and have frequently told them that. Yet, while I know I'm at least doing SOMETHING, I can't help feeling that I could be doing much more. What's your advice?

When we seek to do good things in the world, it is easy to get caught up in the idea that nothing we do is ever enough. It is easy to compare yourself to what others are doing. But you must remember that everyone has different strengths, and different ways they are able to give. Just because you do not donate does not mean you are not doing enough. Every small ripple can help to change a tide.

In spreading the word, do you not increase the likelihood that it will reach someone who is able to give what you cannot? That is not nothing.

Some people find they work best by donating. Some work best with information. Some prefer to go out to marches and protests, or directly contact the people with the power to make change.

And some simply answer the concerns of those who come asking for a little bit of kindness to get through their day.

[firenationtealord]

Hello Uncle Iroh. I'm a university student and it's my second year. I can't make friends easily, it's such a hard thing for me to step in and talk people. Normally, I wouldn't mind it that much, but lately, we have to do these group projects and I'm realising how lonely I am. Do you have any suggestions for me?

First, let me reassure you that group projects are terrible for nearly everyone. I believe they were designed in ancient times as a way to torture students.

...Alright, maybe not. They are, at times, good at helping you to learn to work with others you may not otherwise get along with. But usually outside of class when you encounter this situation you will at least have some manner of appointed leader, and I think that helps.

As for the loneliness, this often happens when one reaches the middle of university schooling. It is often a time of leaving the old self behind, but it can take time to know who you really are away from all the things you grew up with.

Believe it or not, it wasn't always so easy for me to make friends either! I used to be a very different person in my youth. But I found myself. I learned what interested me and chased down those things. And you've seen how my nephew changed from being isolated to having trusted friends, because he took the risk and opened up.

You see, that is what young people are often not told - that it is alright to chase your whims and see where they lead you. Is there a club whose subject interests you, even if you are not certain you can commit? Go to a meeting. See how you like it and if the people there appeal to you. If they don't, do not go again. Go someplace else next time. But if they do... keep going back. Even if you struggle to speak up you will become a familiar face, and sometimes someone with more confidence will talk to you instead.

It can take time, and it can be very intimidating, especially when you have so many other things going on. But if Zuko can become friends with the Avatar, I believe you can eventually find your people as well.

[firenationtealord]

Hi Uncle, I hope you are well. You've helped me in the past, so I thought I'd ask you for advice again. I always get very sad and feel hopeless, because in all my years that I've lived, I think I haven't been enjoying life as much as others. And as I'm growing older, I get more and more terrified of social interactions and trying new things. My friends go dancing and to karaoke parties or just video chat, and something in me is so scared to do any of that. How do I start living more fully?

I think perhaps I would start by asking yourself, what does living life fully look like for you?

Do you like dancing and karaoke or do you prefer something else? Not everyone is fulfilled by the same activities, and I think that is a beautiful thing!

If you have spent a while away from social interactions, it can be challenging to face it again. It can also be challenging if your past experiences with social interaction have all been activities that simply were not for you. Some people socialize best with a quiet dinner at home with a smaller and closer group, or just one on one. Me, I like a quiet cup of tea and a walk in nature, perhaps a little music and a game of pai sho enjoyed with good company.

[firenationtealord]

Dear General Iroh (Mr. Iroh? I don’t quite know how you’d like me to address you seeing as I doubt we’re close enough for me to call you Uncle),

You are known for your huge expanse of wisdom and knowledge of tea (as well as metaphors that have to deal with both of those things). I have to ask for a bit of advice. I know it might seem frivolous but I’ve just entered my second ever relationship. It was with one of my best guy friends and I liked him for such a long time. Then we got together. What’s your best price of advice for a person (who has often been compared to Katara- same age, same temperament, etc- if that makes a difference to how you present this advice) entering a relationship with someone? Is there a way for me to continue feeling as independent as I’d like to be?

Sincerely,

A Grateful Waterbender

Please, General Iroh is my grandson. I am retired. You are all here with me, you may all call me Uncle. I do not mind!

I think the most important thing is to not compromise yourself for the sake of someone else. You are your own person, and that person is who your friend became interested in. Be true to yourself and I think you will be alright. After all, a relationship is not always so different from a long term friendship as you might think. Sometimes it just means more time with that one person, though it is good to have time to yourself as well. Or, if it goes on a long time, living with that person, which if you have ever had roommates, you will know even among friends that has its challenges.

Trust yourself and in the momentum of that friendship to guide you. You are still the same people you were before the relationship, and you can be those people now.

[firenationtealord]

Uncle, I have made a lot of mistakes recently. Because of my actions, I've lost some recent friendships. I recognize my wrong doing, but that won't rebuild the bridge that's already been burnt. I am not alone, but at the same time, this whole experience has made me not want to meet new people again. I am deeply flawed and in the end, I only end up hurting those who get too close to me. 🏵️

Ah, my friend. Making mistakes does not mean you should not try again. You say that you have recognized where you went wrong. And it is true that sometimes we cannot rebuild the bridges we have burnt along the way, though we may try, and sometimes we may even be pleasantly surprised. But there are many more people in the world, and if you truly understand the wrong you have done, you can take that knowledge to reflect and learn to do better. If you are still working on it when you make a new friend, there is often value in telling them so. Believe it or not your uncle has made quite a few mistakes along the way as well. But these days I try to make certain those close to me know they can tell me when I have wronged them, and we can work together to make certain my little mistakes do not turn into big ones.

Of course, it doesn't always work. But that is the nature of having so many different people to meet. Sometimes it just takes a little while to find the ones who understand you, and who you understand in return. The only way to find out is to keep meeting new people.

[firenationtealord]

Uncle... I feel miserable all the time and I can't stop sobbing uncontrollably I don't know what to do i feel emotionally distant from my family even though I know they love me very much. I can't take the pain anymore uncle... Please, PLEASE help me 😭😭

Sometimes it is possible to have such misery without any cause you can see. You fight an invisible enemy and it wounds you with weapons that come from inside yourself. I know that this pain can be very great. It can make it difficult to speak to those we need to speak to most of all.

Sometimes the answer is to fight it. To get in touch with a loved one even when everything in you is telling you that you simply don't want to. Sometimes the answer is to sit with those feelings, turn them about inside your mind, examine them to see if perhaps there is something hidden there you are not seeing. A key to helping you to unlock better feelings again.

If you have someone you can trust to speak to about these feelings, sometimes they can also help you look. It is a gift we often overlook when we are in the depths of sadness, but even if you have someone to simply sit with you a while, then at least the sadness does not have to be so alone.

Be gentle with yourself, and trust you will find the warmth within you again.