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finnband18 · 6 years

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Finn Stuff

Great gigs on the weekend Canberra On Saturday thanks to Al and Tracey, and a bit of a sad one, Sunday as it was our last gig at the Home Tavern. The pub has been sold and Trevor is taking some time out to re asses. We have been playing at the Home Tavern for 12 years doing our first and last for the Wonderful Bigee Blues Club, The BBF will be ongoing in a new venue, Many thanks Trev for 12 years of support.

We were supposed to be at the Native Rose this Sunday but were double booked and will now be on the 16/12/18. Stormcellar are on this Sunday and I will be there to support, come and have a drink with me….the beer’s great

What About That 2669

Some strange things happening in this world, was a time when our countries leaders were the best and fairest….now we have Scum Mo.

What About That 2670

Probably going to annoy some with this, but our generation, whilst having some of the best minds are also the greediest generation ever….how did this happen, well I would suggest the self-funded retirement has a lot to do with it. Not suggesting you shouldn’t prepare for your retirement but it shouldn’t be mandatory.

When I was a kid 20% of the population gambled on the stock market, now that number would be up around 90% plus, and remember the Stock market is no fairer a guarantee than a punt on the horses and before you say aught, think back to 2008. Another one coming soon watch this space.

Jam Stuff

Don’t forget if you all bring a friend….(C’mon I know you have them), our numbers double.

Sign on 7.30 pm both venues

Wednesday on guitar Chris Turner and Bill Crossland on Bass as Al doing a gig with PJ O’Brien .

Grand crowds last week both venues good stuff

Musos Club jams website at:- http://jim0408.wixsite.com/musosclubjamnite

Celebrate New Year's Eve and welcome 2019 with dinner & party at The Vault Port Kembla. Dance and party the night away with the fabulous Kerrie Sweeney and her band, with special support performance by Veronique Sweeney DE Havilland.

Tickets $100 per person at www.vault.events or 0468 405 833.

The gags. #1 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't" What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. #2 A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream? As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it! What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. #3 Xmas jokes What happens to elves when they behave naughty? Santa gives them the sack. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy! What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards! What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish. What do zombies eat with their Christmas dinner? Grave-y. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws! What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot? What’s the best Christmas Present? A broken drum - you can't beat it. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph! Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly! What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia! Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker! What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers! Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles! What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas Advent Calendar? He got 25 days! #5 What is Santa's dogs name? Santa Paws! What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow. What never eats at Christmas dinner? The turkey – it’s stuffed. Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday? At a Ho-ho-ho-tel. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle! Did you know that Rudolph the Reindeer never went to school? He was elf taught. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve! What do snowmen usually wear on their heads? Ice caps! Where do you find chilli beans? At the north pole! What is a librarians favourite Christmas song? Silent Night What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling? An elfcicle! What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it 'soots' him! How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt! What do you call an old snowman? Water. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing - it was on the house! What does Santa say at the start of a race? Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho! Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas. Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman? Because he is so cool! What do you call a cat on Christmas Eve? Sandy Claws. #6 Knock knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Merry Christmas. Knock knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use - I've forgotten my name! Knock knock. Who's there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah partridge in a pear tree! #7 A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence..........then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what? #8 Different slant same joke. A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in more than 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight." The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!

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finnband18 · 6 years

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Finn Stuff

Howdy All

Finn will be at the Native Rose this Friday, was moved from the 30th due to previous commitments. We kick off at 8pm, a great little gig, but leave the car home as the craft beers are just too good to resist. They have one for every taste.

Shady Pines Saloon Sunday, great Sydney gig.

Raby on Saturday night with Dearne.

Finny’s orphans Xmas If you are interested drop me a reply and I will send the address.

A quick couple of what about that’s

What About That 2657

It seems the Mercedes and BMW have taken indicators of their cars…no one was using them. I pulled up next to a BM the other day, driver was dawdling along and then just pulled over, I pulled up next to him and politely told him his indicators don’t seem to be working, he looked like he wanted to tell me to Eff off, and then looked at his wife and another look at me and decided to be nice, hahah!

What About That 2658

Sydney roads are a mess, seems that just about every road in Sydney has major work going on somewhere, 12 k’s per hour average day time speed, and thy wonder why driver break the limits when they can! Travelled from Bathurst to home Sunday, hit the M4 slowway at Emu plains 80 k’s until after Eastern Creek. Not a worker in sight. NSW govt. absolutely no planning whatsoever. Complete Boof heads all of them.

What About That 2659

Ms Moore has decided to reopen the cross. What a dick, it will take five years to get back even close to what it was. I suppose all her mates now own it, that’s why she’s lifted the ban. Greedy Stupid individuals

Jam Stuff

Musos Club jams website at:- http://jim0408.wixsite.com/musosclubjamnite

Wednesday on guitar Christina Crofts and Keith Todd back in the hot seat on the 29th.

Don’t forget if you all bring a friend….(you do have them I hope), our numbers double. Sign on 7.30 pm both venues

The gags.

Leroy, a slender African-American, and Charlie, a burly mix of French-Canadian and Irish, are pipefitters. They've been work buddies in New York's high rise projects for years.

One morning, Leroy is hanging out in the office waiting to clock in, and Charlie comes in with a big grin. "Hey, Smiley! What' you so happy about?" he asks. "Well, if you must know, my wife and I made love last night." "My wife don't give me none, even on the weekend. How you get her to put out for you on a school night?" "So you're looking for sex advice from ME, my melatonin enriched friend?" "I can owe you one. How you do it?" Charlie lowers his voice to a whisper and says "The secret, my friend, is poetry" "Poetry? What you mean?" "Well, last night for example. I took my wife in my arms and looked her in the eyes and said: My lovely wife with eyes like a dove, Come with me to bed And I'll make to you sweet love. And she melted and the rest is history." Leroy thinks for a second and says "I'm gonna try that."

The next day, Leroy is late. When he finally does step off the construction elevator, he is a mess. One eye is swollen shut, his face is scratched, his lip is split open, and he walks with the of bow-legged limp of a man who'sbeen recently kicked hard in the nuts. Charlie sees him, and runs over with concern. "Hey Bro, what happened to you?" "My wife, she don't like poetry." "Well, what happened?" "Last night, we was watching the game, and the hootchie-kootchie girls come out and start shaking their booty. So after a few minutes I start getting horny, and I remembers what you told me and I slide my arm around her and I says: Brillo head, Brillo head, Eyes like a frog, Get you' fat ass to bed, So's I can fuck you like a dog. And man, she hit me! I ain't tellin' her no more poetry."

Not for everyone

I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, aginger haired kid, with two friends?

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."

Disabled toilets:

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Mate, won't it start?"

A woman visits her gynaecologist for a check-up. "Madam, you have the largest vagina I have ever seen." Says the doctor. Intrigued, she goes home to examine it for herself. She takes the full-length mirror off the wall and places it on the floor, strips naked, and stands over it. Just then her husband walks in and finds her naked. "What on earth are you doing?" He asks. "I'm exercising." She says, thinking quickly. "Okay, then, just be careful not to fall through that hole in the floor."

lady went to her doctor to have her vagina checked because her husband had said that it was unusually large. The doctor puts her in the stirrups and gets in there to look around. After a bit he says "Your husband was right, that's the largest vagina I've ever seen. That's the largest vagina I've ever seen." She says "You didn't have to say it twice. The doc says "I didn't".

Sorry ladies blokes turn next week, promise, but in the meantime THIS!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Bruce, Robbo and his missus were playing poker one evening. Bruce accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Robbo's wife Sheila's map of Tassie as she wasn't wearing any undies under her dress! Shocked by this, Bruce upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Bruce went to the kitchen to get more beer. Robbo's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by the boldness, Bruce courageously admitted that, well indeedhe did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bruce confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Robbo works Friday arvos and Bruce doesn't, Bruce should be at her house around 2:00p.m. When Friday rolled around, Bruce showed up at Robbo's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sheila the agreed sum of$500 they went to the bedroom and had a root and Bruce paid as agreed. Bruce quickly dressed and left. As usual, Robbo came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked Sheila abruptly. "Did Bruce

come by the house this afternoon? Sheila answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat whenher husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500," Robbo, with asatisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good on him, I washoping he did. Bruce came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

Obituary

for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason .

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Twang and Bang. Website coming soon. Good rates, make the call, get a quote. Two engineers and producers available. Live recording (kit and amps supplied). A large choice of mics to suit everyone.

CATCH YA ROUND THE TRAPS

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

THE GREATER THE INPUT,

THE GREATER THE OUTPUT.

FREEDOM AIN’T FREE

COMMON SENSE AIN’T COMMON.

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