findingmysafespace

[findingmysafespace]

I am tired. Tired of taking the punches. Feels like I am not allowed to be happy. Yes I make mistakes but there is no malice or ill intention to make someone angry or mad. I tried being transparent before and it didn’t work out. I got blamed and I had to apologize for sharing my feelings. I tell people I have an anxiety disorder and things get to me but again that was not given an another after thought. I am the way I am and that makes me sleep at night. I have a lot of issues and I know I have to live in this foreign country where I have limited set of people and how to not feel lonely. It’s hard to explain to people things I have to face internally. I am tired of explaining myself, tired of apologizing, tired of putting my emotions at the back to calm the other person in the fear of they don’t leave me. I did that before in my last relationship and still that person didn’t respect and left me. I wish I was strong to take my stand. To communicate when the other person hurt my feelings. I should also maybe be toxic and don’t reply to their texts for hours and not cut their calls and reply rudely. I am weak and I give in and let them roll over me completely. I don’t know what to do and how to be better. But it can’t go on like this. I am an empty vessel now and there is no feelings anymore. I am completely void of love I feel to give. I can’t doubt myself again and again everyday and feel bad and stop living my life. My work life is hell and my mind is too messy and exhausted to even think about it. Sometimes maybe I think getting fired will help me in the long run. This is a job I don’t like and I feel like a prisoner. One thing I ask is respect for my feelings. I am tired begging for it in every fight. Everyone likes to control me because they know I am not gonna fight back. I will be scared and they know how to manipulate my feelings. And that is true for every single one of them. Maybe not my parents. But everyone. They know my weak points and they know how to use me.

I hate fighting back. I hate giving back to people for bad karma. But all I know is my life is all shit rn and I don’t know what to resolve first. I am tired explaining and I am tired thinking. I hope I get the love I deserve but that’s wishful thinking. I just wish sometimes that I don’t wake up after a nice dream because the reality is too bleak. If I can just reset my mind to clear out all garbage, all doubts and fears that would be for the best. I can’t take back the mistakes I made to try not to hurt people wishing and hoping one day it will all get better. I am waiting for that day. But I still yet canr see the light in this tunnel. The journey is still dark and lonely.

May my life have one day this starry night filled with all the love I can get.

[findingmysafespace]

[findingmysafespace]

Why am I scared?

I have fallen back with compulsions. Should I just go to therapy? Things not going best professionally but not much worried about it. I can buckle up and work hard. I am just worried about my triggers - both when I am happy and when I am sad. What even do I want from my life is beyond me. I feel like traveling. Somewhere remote.

Give me strength to not have the bad thoughts. Should I make a promise to not do it anymore? I know I won’t be able to. I am trying to cut down. I have to be better - not just for me but for people that care about me. What do I do? How to stop is beyond me. I will always feel guilty of not doing them.

PLEASE STOP. I WILL STOP NOW. I HAVE TO. IT WILL ALL BE OKAY I PROMISE.

Be strong. Please be strong.

~Briana

[findingmysafespace]

Trying my best to stay calm. Last few days were a little tiring but glad I went. Met a few people - a little scared my procrastinating nature will not be good for my professional goals. I am taking one day at a time. My brain seems fried for thinking so much. I got a bit of anxiety and my compulsions get unmanageable. After writing this I will put a complete blanket ban on them. Not for me. But for the people I love.

I am trying my best. Or maybe not. But feels like I don’t have the energy. I need a super tight hug and I feel I will be okay after that. I will sleep now and try not to think the bad thoughts. Someone give me strength.

Briana Pathva

03/31/2023

[findingmysafespace]

Vent

Even if things are going okay, I will still worry. There is sometimes no end to this. Something to calm me down - not able to find it yet. Smoking sadly is not an option anymore. Writing this might help - it helped last time even if it for a few days. I want to promise not to do anymore compulsions. I feel bad when I do, feel worse if I don’t. No escape as I said. I want to give my best shot even if it’s gonna take a toll on me. How do I stop without feeling guilty? Maybe I will go back and read a few books today that will help. Hearing/Listening to others having the same stuff as me at least gives me hope it’s not just me and there are many people facing this. Let me try not doing anymore today - tho it will be hard. I should probably start loving myself more. I think that’s one way to go.

Hard to be away from everyone. Hard to do this alone.

~ Briana Pathva

03/28

[findingmysafespace]

Tired

I don’t even know where to start from. I am tried of my sickness. I am done. I lost the battle I feel. I can’t do this thing alone without help. And I am too afraid to get it. I am running out of ways to make myself better. Anyone I start caring about, I will project my insecurities and destroy relationships. My OCD would not let me have a normal relationship ever. Maybe it’s just me who knows and I like blaming it on it. I want to stop but I won’t. Small things would trigger me and then I use that to make my life as well my other person life hell too. I am broken and I would never get fixed. All the books/documentaries I will see will solve it temporarily but then it will get back. My abandonment issues would come up and one text (or lack of it) would bring me back to square one. Help me please. Please.

I started writing this to start my cycle of not doing the compulsions anymore. Am I brave enough to let the bad thoughts not affect me? All the reassurances in the world will still make me fear for the future. I can’t start to love myself which is I think the first thing I should do. I don’t know how to start that. I hate only one person in the world. I can’t hate all the people who left me, because they kinda did the right thing. Even if it was super hurtful to me. Again I beg someone to help me because I am too afraid to get help myself. I pray before whoever is incharge to take care of me. Or end it once and for all. Don’t mind either.

My mind is so messy rn that I can’t focus. I can’t give people space and that irks me. Why am I like that? I should focus on getting a new job or at least just focus on my current one. But I feel so tired the whole day with the negativity that sleep is the only respite. And that too if I can sleep properly.

I will try not to do any compulsions today and maybe I can make this a daily thing where I write down all the bad stuff that disturbs me and be done with it. I know I will still sneak in a few but I can give it one last try and if I fail maybe just go to therapy. Weed used to help before but that’s not the solution. Cigarettes make me feel worse. I should cut it down to 2 a day but that’s wishful thinking for now. I might already had half a pack and might have one more before I sleep.

Maybe this was helpful and I feel 20% less stressed but I can never be sure what next will trigger me.

Signing it off for today.

Briana Pathva 03/20 - 2AM

[findingmysafespace]

Got sick after a long time. Very unnecessary and disappointing. Last two days were not bad - a sense of normalcy. I don’t want to go back yet - I feel I won’t be able to handle anything once I go. Life’s hard and I hate it. I just want peace and a lil bit of love and I think it should be enough for me.

Brain isn’t working at the fullest today. Doesn’t feel like I have 102. I just want to rest and sleep and not wake up probably.

[findingmysafespace]

I hate every night I get weak. Every night I just think about how I wish I take the pill and end it all but alas I am not that brave. Last night there were discussions on how life was so tough and not worth living and I hated the fact that I took the other side to pretend I am not depressed. This trip has made me think a lot. I am not ready to face anyone unless I am not drunk. Fear and guilt has consumed my soul and I know I will break easily if given a prod - like today morning. I am not ready to accept people who are giving me genuine advice and I hate how my brain is still not mature. The question of will I be ever better is now slowly becoming a moot point. Every day I stumble closer to what even is the point. The motivation to take care of myself has been completely gone. I am not at my lowest rn because there are people who genuinely care about me. Idk why but they do. Stupid of them to believe in me.

Briana Pathva

01/13/23

[findingmysafespace]

I don’t even know what should I write here. I wish I was emotionless. Sometimes I wish I was stronger. Things hurt. Just gonna end this here today and come back with more thoughts.

[findingmysafespace]

[findingmysafespace]

My OCD part of brain wants to say sorry to my other normal brain. I am so sorry. Life has become so stressed. I am having a lot of bad things which I shouldn’t. Today I got a little panic attack for something o shouldn’t have thought about for more than 2 secs. I want to stop it but unfortunately I am powerless. I am an emotional person which I shouldn’t be tbh. Maybe I should seriously think about getting help. Maybe I am weak.

This week and next week will be hectic. I sometimes don’t know how to be strong. Love makes you so strong yet so weak sometimes. I again apologize for not being able to be strong for everyone. I do badly want to. I am so needy sometimes regarding attention and love that it’s sickening. I wish I become a little better handling my thoughts.

I so want to just get everything over with. Things that are uncertain. Anticipation is the worst. I miss the 15yo me who was carefree and happy. I don’t think I have been genuinely happy since then. This is like a disease which has plagued my mind and I honestly don’t know how to treat it without help. I want to love myself but I am unable to. Everything is so bleak and sad in my life. I wish I can get my life back.

Hope no one reads it.

Briana Pathava

10/15/22

[findingmysafespace]

I am back. Because I can feel my brain going back to all the progress made in the last few weeks. I won’t to stop it but I can’t. I have no will power nor do I have the energy. I thought maybe writing this would make me feel better.

I am scared. I hate this but I can’t stop. It tells me to do things to get relief. And I do get it but only temporarily. I want to be brave. I want to get better but maybe I can’t alone. Everything overwhelms me. Even when I am happy I feel it’s fleeting and will end soon. I have no idea and have even forgotten when I was last truly genuinely happy.

I made promises to my brain to stop it but someway or the another I am falling back in the same pit I painfully got out from. I will try once again after this post. No rituals. Not even one. I will ignore every bad thought and will treat it as unnecessary. I am not special and my thinking can’t change anything.

I will try to be better today again I promise. Not for me but for the people I love. I can’t be weak. I have to be strong.

I love you.

Briana Pathava

10/4/2022

[findingmysafespace]

Sometimes my brain is weird. It rejects all things good and wants to wallow in pain and misery. I want it to stop and I want to feel that I deserve nice things.

Things are not bad. Work is suffering a bit which is fine. I am going for things that actually matter in life. I know love is painful but never knew it would be that bad. It feels so close, but is so far away. One day I will sleep peacefully when I get it. Until then it’s suffering.

Friends sometimes keep me distracted and that’s not bad. I want to be with my family and be with her but it seems I would have to wait. I am afraid of being late and messing up as I do always.

The rituals are back and sometimes they do get bad. I want to get better and stop them but then for some Stockholm syndrome reason I feel the way I am right now is because of that. My over friendly and caring nature will go once I get better.

I love her and I feel my overbearing nature will be a doom to this. Still I can’t stop and with the reassurances I feel it will be okay.

I pray my life to be normal. Nor do I need the riches, nor the fame. I just need one person who stays with me for the thick and thin.

I hope no one reads it. I hope things get better than now.

Brian Pathava

19th August, 2022

[findingmysafespace]

It’s really been a while since I wrote. I was just going through my past posts and realized how much I was in pain (and kinda still am)

Heartbreaks are never easy to get past from. Last one and a half month have been tough. I trusted someone and it didn’t work out. I wish I could blame her but she looked for something better and got it. I am in touch with someone from the past and I realize that I was stupid of not sharing my “feelz” with her before. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but I am buckled up for the ride. It’s gonna be super bumpy and mostly filled with pain and more sadness. But there will be ups and the human brain sometime needs that dopamine to go through.

My rituals are somewhat back since I feel a bit stressed and happy at the same time. It goes when I usually give up on life. So maybe it’s a good thing but I still don’t see it that way. I like how I am getting serious about my life - the next two years are gonna define my next 40 years. I want love but I want it now. I hate how I have been denied love for no fault of mine. I want to be selfish but I know I can’t do that too.

US is good. I have gotten back to old routine. I don’t do much socially. I met a few people whom I liked and hung out with but somehow that was taken from me too in the worst possible way. But it will be okay. I felt sad but somehow I knew I will come up stronger. That’s the only hope. They say “do you believe in miracles?” here in US. I don’t but somewhere someone is looking out for me and wants to be happy in life. The only thing I want is love and I know I will get it. Just have to make the extra effort.

Future Paul will read it and I hope things have gotten better for him from today.

[findingmysafespace]

It’s been a while since I wrote. Things have changed. People have changed too. I have become much mentally stronger at least. I am back in states and things have started slow. I have started talking to someone and things looks a bit scary again. I have zero self confidence with who I am and I am afraid to be broken again. I miss my old friends. I miss the old times. I just hope that I stay happy and I stay sane. This was my old school bus. Just thought will share it. Also sharing one of the first songs I heard when I came here last time.

[findingmysafespace]

Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes they are lonely. This was one of the former days. My days are numbered here. Today made me realize what more it could have been.

I am not good with things that make me anxious. It could be as simple as going to a party to going to a different country. I hope I get better next year. As I grow old I must be able to relax and worry about things that actually matter. Hoping for a better next year.

[findingmysafespace]

Shitpost: Late night munchies!