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Philippines Mind Reading Skills – Not an Australian-Man Thing

  Australian men and Filipina ladies can often form the most wonderful and happy marriages. The cultures of Australia and the Philippines have some similarities, but more areas where we blend nicely together and make something even better. I suppose the main factor is those couples who have a fierce bond of loyalty and a refusal to give up during tough times. And yes, there are areas where couples clash….and fight….and simply don’t get each other. And the more that couples get annoyed and frustrated, the worse it gets. Issues about money and issues of divided loyalty between new family and husband and old family back in the Philippines, these are often fuel that makes fires happen in an Australian Filipina marriage.    

  But everyday issues that lead to couples just not quite getting-on as well as they should, and not getting each other? The stuff that leads more to frustration and less often to large fights? Here’s one big factor. The issue of mind-reading versus open communication!  

Expecting a man to be a mind reader

Filipinos are rarely direct in their communication styles. Filipinos rarely “spell it out” through fear of disrupting the harmony. It’s called pakikisama, and it means maintaining harmonious relationships even if it means accepting something that's not correct. Australians? We’re blunt, and fairly proud of it. You never have to wonder what an Aussie means, because mostly he will just tell you. It varies between individuals, of course. But it’s more the accepted thing in Australia to tell it like it is. Where couples clash? When you get a blunt and direct Aussie who only understands directness, and a Filipina who adjusts and filters what she says or doesn’t say, because she’s worried about causing offense. What ends up happening? He does something she doesn’t like. Or he asks her if she wants to do something she doesn’t like. She doesn’t complain. Or she says OK. He thinks “Isn’t it nice that she likes watching porn videos! We’re bonding!” because she never says anything. She’s quiet. Maybe she has a tampo about it the next day. He’s utterly confused as to why, because he assumes everything is fine. She SAID it was all fine. What happens with her? SHE thinks “Why didn’t he know I didn’t like that?” She made all the signs. She didn’t smile much. She looked away or turned away. Or she assumed he actually DID know, but didn’t care that she didn’t like it. She thinks he’s insensitive, and gets very upset over it. And he hasn’t a clue what the issue is. The end result is she thinks he’s an uncaring insensitive pig, and he thinks he married a crazy woman. Or writes it off as womens moods and something to do with hormones. It certainly doesn’t bring a couple together.  

Communication basics for Australian Filipina couples

First of all, you both need to understand your cultural differences when it comes to communication. Australians?

If we think it or feel it or believe it? We say it!

And we think all others do the same. What someone tells us, we tend to believe literally.

Filipinos?

If they think, feel or believe something? They think carefully about what won’t cause offense, disharmony or any hurt feelings and they say that instead.

They are very good at “reading between the lines” and guessing (NOT always right, take note) what a person really thinks, feels or believes.

When confronted with bluntness, they assume that person means something else, or maybe that the person is really angry and what they’re showing is just the tip of the iceberg!

Men? You need to encourage your lady to speak her mind, and let her know that it’s safe to do so and you need to welcome direct expressions (even if you don’t like what you hear). You need to learn to read body-language and tones of voice and facial expressions, and tread cautiously if you think there may be a problem. You need to get to understand her culture, and realise she comes from a totally different background.

She’s unlikely to like porn!

She no doubt loves her family, despite their faults. Just because you don’t speak to those relatives of yours that annoy you, don’t expect her to do the same.

She will have different comfort foods to yours, and will probably always prefer stinky dried fish to a fantastic Aussie meat pie (puzzling though that may seem). And she will crave rice like you crave bread and potatoes.

Ladies? It’s unfair to expect a man to read minds when he’s never had to do so. He’s grown up with people telling him exactly what’s on their minds, and never needed to learn that skill. You need to practice expressing yourself and saying what you really feel, think and believe. And that means expressing yourself BEFORE you become angry. And never make a VALUE JUDGEMENT! A value judgement means deciding if the action and therefore the person doing it are BAD, because you don’t personally agree with it! Example? “He watches porn. He’s a filthy pervert, and he’s watching it to insult me!”  

A better communication scenario

Him: “Darling, would you like to watch Drag Racing Disco Dollies Do Dubbo? It’s a porn classic from the 1970’s” Her: “No, not really” Him: “Are you not really fond of porn? Or is it because it’s Australian, and you don’t understand the accents?” Her: “No, it’s not that. I’m not used to it, and in the Philippines the men who watch it are usually the ones who cheat on their wives. And it’s hard to see my husband admiring other women.” Him: “You know I’d never cheat on you.” Her: “Yes, I do trust you. But it just gives me an unpleasant feeling. I’d rather we did something together we would both enjoy.” Him: “Thanks for explaining that to me. I understand your feelings. OK. What would you like to do?” Her: “Let’s watch The Life and Music of Air Supply for the next 4 hours!” Apart from ending up watching Air Supply (YUCK!), it ended peacefully and in a positive way. No one had to guess. No one had to believe that the poor-guesser was doing it because they didn’t care. No one was attacked or insulted. No one needed to go on the defensive when attacked by an angry person accusing them of having bad intentions. Learn some new ways, and your Australian Filipina relationship will only get better and better.          

The following post Philippines Mind Reading Skills – Not an Australian-Man Thing wasSee more at: Filipina Wives

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The Philippines and the Filipino Hospital

  To the average Australian, going to the hospital is a bit of a last resort. Not talking about turning up at the Accident and Emergency when you slice your finger open and it’s 3:00am. I’m talking about an illness leading to you being admitted for something. How often does it happen to the average person?  

Filipino Hospital, and RELATIVES!

    I’m going to take a punt and say not that often. I know for myself that it’s a pretty unusual thing, and same for most friends and relatives over many (many) decades of life in Australia. Except for accidents and having babies, most of us don’t turn up there very often at all. Me?

Tonsils and adenoids at 10 years old (as they did commonly back-then)

A couple of nights in the outpatients 15 years ago when I had a couple of bouts with kidney stones

That’s it for me! My kids? Never (apart from a few cuts needing stitches). Ex-wife? Two babies born. Most people I know/knew? Never, or maybe once. Those 60+, yes it gets a little more common. Again, talking about the average person in Australia here. However, if you’re involved in an Australian Filipina relationship, expect that you will soon be faced with the issue of your lady or one of her relatives being admitted to a Filipino hospital.  

Hospital stays for Filipinos

Doctors in the Philippines seems somehow fairly enthusiastic about sticking you in the hospital for reasons an Australian would consider a bit mild. It means expense and it means disruption. Yet it happens all the time, and I’ve recently been thinking about this and wondering why. I have a few theories, which I’ll get to as we go along. I’ll just explain a few characteristics, which may or may not get me into trouble with any Filipino nurses reading this. Nurses in Australia? In Jeff Harvie’s opinion, the absolute salt of the earth. Big hearts, and hard workers. Highly capable, and worthy of respect. Wonderful human beings doing a fantastic job. Instincts better than some of the doctors. Dealing with miserable patients, screaming, horrible smells etc all day, yet keeping a smile and a sense of humour. The doctor comes and sees you for a few minutes, and the rest of the time it’s the nurses that take care of you. Nurses in Philippines? Horribly underpaid, and many need to work for one year in a hospital for free….yes, no salary….in order to get the work experience to get their license to work (licensure). Not a whole lot of incentive to work like a saint, I can admit. However, I can almost wonder what some of these people actually DO there. They sure as hell don’t seem to spend much time taking care of patients! You go to the hospital without a steady rotation of relatives to actually take care of you and I don’t know what would come of you. Relatives doing the nursing! Yes, the supply and removal of bedpans, washing, feeding, mopping of fevered brows…..this is done by relatives, who organize themselves around the clock to ensure that the patient is never alone. They are also the ones who need to go and purchase medicine when directed, and who have to remind nurses to replace IV fluid bags. Nurses may come and take temperatures and blood pressures from time to time, and that’s about it. Standards of Filipino hospitals? You get what you pay for. Some are almost world-class, but others are fairly woeful. Something to take into account if, say, your lady is giving birth in the Philippines. Not a time to be uninvolved! Having said that, our nearest hospital is 5 minutes from the door. My grandchild was born there. Excellent care. Pediatrician in the delivery room. And remarkably affordable.

Chubby Grandchild

  Reasons for being admitted to a Filipino hospital

This is where I started. If your blood pressure is very high, or if you have a high fever, you may well end up in the hospital. We’ve had several of our kids end up there over the years when the temp hits 40°C. Although the last two times where the kids (a 9 year old and a 6 month old baby) spent the first nights there unmedicated because there were no doctors to see them and where the nursing staff took their temperatures at 4 hour intervals, the next time we decided to keep the child at home. Mila and I provided better nursing care. And when I’ve had a couple of bouts of cellulitis in my leg I resisted the suggestions to be admitted and recovered quite nicely right here. Our relatives in the province? Seems to be someone admitted every couple of months for something or other. Hard to keep up. Yes, the cynic in me realizes that if most of the hospitals in the Philippines are owned privately by Chinese families, it’s fairly obvious that doctors are going to be encouraged to admit as many patients as possible. Quite the opposite to Australia where the public hospitals don’t have the space to fit kids with fevers and grandmas with hypertension. Of course they want money. These are businesses! Other thing? Not everyone has comfortable homes and the ability to take care of sick people very well. If the house is cramped, hot and dusty and the bed is a mat on the floor, then the hospital is a better alternative. And where the family may save money on medicine and may get the mang hilot (quack healer) in to treat you with efficascent oil and some dubious advice instead, more reason to get the patient to the hospital. Oh, and of course you can expect a whip-around for money next time someone is in a Filipino hospital. No one can ever pay the bill themselves. You can also expect a hospital bill to be itemized down to the pair of latex gloves and 3 cotton buds.  

The following article The Philippines and the Filipino Hospital wasis available on Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog

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Filipina Ladies and Marriage For Life

  Marriage for life! Even though it may sound like an outdated concept….a dream from days-gone-by before skepticism toward anything non-scientific set it….the fact that people still DO get married in this day and age is testimony to the fact that most of us are still romantics at heart. And honestly, despite skepticism, would ANYBODY enter into a marriage that they DIDN’T believe would last until death? We believe it enough to toss everything we have into it. Let’s not kid ourselves. And I’d think that those Australian men who headed to the Philippines and found their brides, especially so.    

  Marriage and the Philippines

Why did we look to the Philippines in the first place? What made us first attracted to Filipina ladies? Yes, they’re generally pretty, but there’s more to it than that. What mattered to many or maybe most of us was the strong belief in marriage-for-life that exists in Filipino society. There is no easy divorce culture here. In fact there is still no legal divorce in the Philippines, and that’s not because the big bad Catholic Church thrust this on a submissive population. It’s because marriage is seen as the stabilizing factor in families, which are the building blocks of a stable society. The Family Code of the Philippines says of marriage that “It is the foundation of the family and an inviolable social institution…”, thus acknowledging its significance in Philippines society. “Inviolable” means “never to be broken, infringed or dishonoured”. Strong words! What this means is that the Filipina lady you met and married didn’t grow up surrounded by divorcees and kids from broken marriages, possibly on 2nd or 3rd step-parents. Yes, marriages fall apart and couples separate, but not to the extent that it happens in western countries. Marriage is seen as normal, and not as something unusual. I can remember a little friend of Remy’s when she was in Australia with us years ago being almost in disbelief when I told her that Remy’s mum (Mila) and I were married. Poor kid obviously grew up surrounded by instability. And a Filipina lady who believes in marriage and doesn’t believe in tossing it all in when “the magic has gone out of it” means you should have a stable life ahead of you, as long as you are both committed to working at it.  

Marriage For Life and Commitment

So, does marriage depend on meeting the perfect partner? Yes, that’s a bit of a trick question and is fully intended. Yes, of course you should have your priorities set right when you are choosing your life-partner. Marrying because you want something from the other person, this is not very wise. A man marrying because:

He’s lonely

He needs to be taken care of, due to age, disabilities, or being used to being spoilt (like me)

He’s dazzled by a pretty face and can’t believe his luck

Or a woman marrying because:

He’s handsome

He’s (compared to the average Filipino) rich

These are not stable marriage building-blocks, are they? Intelligence should tell you that a successful marriage is going to be easier to attain if you actually love each other, and if you choose someone where the two of you have invested time and effort into getting to know each of you as you truly are, then you should have something left when the glamour of wealth and beauty have faded. But back to the question about the perfect partner. Does such a person exist? No. No, they do not! True self-reflection and certainly self-criticism are out of favour these days. We’re all about building fragile self-esteem and self-concepts, and expect to give ourselves a clap for participating. Facing up to ourselves as flawed human beings isn’t trendy at all. More’s the pity, because it would result in some better marriages. Am I the perfect husband? Apart from my obviously stunning good-looks, no I am definitely not. I’m demanding, I’m stubborn and I talk too much. Is my wife the perfect wife? No, ‘fraid she isn’t. And she’s OK with me saying that, because she knows all too well. Fact is, I’m relieved she has faults because who the hell am I to expect perfection? Honestly, I don’t think anyone else could stand either of us! And it’s our constant knowledge of our own imperfections that keeps us both grounded, and grateful for having someone who loves us despite our flaws. And you will find that most Filipinos approach marriage the same. Jeff and Mila are not wise philosophers. You probably find your grandparents and their parents had a similar outlook on life, and Filipino thinking is sometimes not too far removed from Aussies in the past when marriages were seen to our own society as marriage-for-life.  

The following blog post Filipina Ladies and Marriage For Life wasSee more at: Filipina Wives

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Australian Men – A great catch, ladies!

  We’ve praised the Filipina lady regularly and vigorously here on FilipinaWives. And why wouldn’t we? Most wonderfully kind, caring and sweet ladies in the world. And most are also hard-working, practical and responsible. An Aussie man who meets and falls in love with a decent Filipina lady is a lucky man indeed.  

Typical Australian men. Hey, isn't that the Prime Minister in the middle?

  But then again, she’s a lucky woman too. Most Australian men, despite being a bit rough around the edges, are gentlemen. Hard-working, faithful, and fairly domesticated. Most would rather be at home with their wife and kids than anywhere else, and most have little time for womanisers. The paypacket comes home. Life is usually pretty good for a Filipina wife with an Australian husband. Take note that of course I’m generalizing here, and also take note that this is NOT a matchmaking introduction. I have no spare husbands here for lonely Filipina ladies, and my wife would be very annoyed at me if I gave myself away! And yes, Australia has some far-from-perfect men too, so please always use your best judgment. But the main purpose of the article is to explain a few points about what is unique about Australian men, many of which you will see that they differ from Filipino men. And I do this in the interest of helping those existing Australian Filipina couples to understand each other better and hopefully not to HURT each other! I hope this helps.  

Australian men

Australian men are rugged individualists

This will differ between men, of course. But mostly you’ll find Australian men are ruggedly independent and proud of it. We’re used to taking care of ourselves, and definitely not OK about receiving handouts or charity. Most of us would rather go without something that to be indebted to somebody. It also means that while he will understand when there is genuine need due to poverty, he will not understand begging relatives nor will he understand those lazy tambay relatives who expect to live off charity.

Despite being “tough” in many ways, he probably has a soft heart

Don’t mistake being rugged and masculine with being heartless. Most of us a like big teddybears and will respond well to gentleness and kindness, and you will bring this out in him if you stay gentle and sweet.

Australian men value our ability to provide and to produce

We value ourselves according to what we produce. We take pride in our ability to provide for our families. Having our kids giving us support and/or handouts, even when older? Forget it! We would rather go hungry. We help our kids! They don’t help us! What this means, ladies, is that even if your man gets older and retires, NEVER make him feel useless. He will already be sensitive about this. If you get a job and you expect him to hang out your panties on the washing line, you may very well crush his spirit. Encourage him to do something, whether it’s making things, repairing things, or even mentoring and advising.

If you want him to be your knight in shining armor, believe in him

My wife is strong and capable, and she knows her own mind. But she also knows me and my capabilities, and she believes in me. She doesn’t nag me. She doesn’t put me down. She does not emasculate or belittle me. Huwag tanggalin ang kanilang pagkalalake. Treat him as your hero, and he will become your hero. You can make him or break him!

Australian men want to be included. Not different, and not elite.

Best thing you can do for an Aussie man? Treat him as an equal! And NEVER treat him as a foreigner, and never let your relatives do it either. Tell your friends and relatives to relax around him, and not call him “Sir David” or whatever his name is. Hospitality is fine, as long as he doesn’t feel excluded.

He will make YOU his Number One, and expects the same in return

NEVER put your Filipino relatives and family ahead of him. You will damage your marriage, possibly beyond repair, if you do this. Don’t let older Filipino relatives override decisions that you made (or should make) as husband and wife. And build the wealth of your new family first and foremost.

He acts with 100% honesty, and expects the same in return

Lies from a spouse are close to unforgivable. So are secrets, especially involving your relatives. Being “shy” is never an excuse. This applies to spying and sneaking too.

He can’t read minds

Australian men are very honest, and will say exactly what they think. And they will expect you to do the same. That means we are very bad at “reading between the lines” and trying to guess what you really mean. Get into the habit of discussing everything directly and clearly without “codes”, otherwise you will end up unhappy and he will end up confused.

He cannot stand tampos, and will never “make malambing”

Tampo is cruel, and it’s childish. Nothing good ever comes from it. If you are using it as childish blackmail to get your own way? Then suggest you grow up quickly. If it’s because you allow a problem to remain in your head, and you can’t take it anymore? See the point above! Discuss it. And discuss it long before you lose control of your behavior. Learn to work together. And don’t expect him to make malambing (Tagalog for being very very sweet when you’re sorry about something). Learn to speak your mind and learn how to discuss and share feelings.   I hope that helps! And I welcome comments.  

The following post Australian Men – A great catch, ladies! wasis republished from www.filipinawives.com.au

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Philippines Health Issues – Breakdown Maintenance

  I think most of us understand the term “breakdown maintenance”? We all know those with cars that only get serviced when they stop working? The car sees the mechanic when a bit falls off it that can’t be easily stuck back on, or if it stops on the side of the road and won’t start again. Well, medical treatment in the Philippines is often breakdown-maintenance too, and these Philippines health issues can lead to similar problems in Filipino people which you as part of an Australian Filipino relationship will come face to face with soon enough.    

  Yes, I did an article here recently on the topic of Filipinos and doctors. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do for a bit of background. I’m extending this topic here, as a plea to try to ensure your wife and her family take some better care of themselves before you find yourselves attending a funeral. Breakdown maintenance of human beings leads to short lives, because it’s often too late when the problem is finally diagnosed.  

Filipinos and Health Maintenance

I’m often inspired to write articles by what I see happening around me. In this case, our extended-family here had another funeral to attend just over Christmas. She would have been 60 this year. Left behind a husband, three kids (youngest 19 I think), 8 grandkids. All could have been avoided with the occasional checkup rather than waiting for disaster. And will she be the last untimely death in our extended family? Probably not. Was this the only death in the last few years that could have been avoided? No, definitely not! We lost Mila’s very close sister in 2012. She was only in her mid-40’s, and should have had many years ahead of her. Recent cause of death? Stroke! Why? High blood pressure. “High blood”. Hypertension. No maintenance medication program. Death in 2012? Kidneys shut down. Why? Unmaintained hypertension again. They sort-of knew this, but never did anything about it. Mila has a 62 year old auntie. Goes to see our doctor a few times a year when she comes to visit. Our doctor tells her to take maintenance medication for high blood pressure. Does she? No. Says that anti-hypertensive drugs will “damage the liver”. I’ve been taking them for 15 years, and my liver function is fine. Two relatives who didn’t are now in the cemetery. I think maybe it’s worth the risk.  

Filipinos in Hospital

Think about how often your own relatives in the Philippines go to the hospital. Not so uncommon, right? How about you? OK, I had a couple of bouts with kidney stones in…..maybe 2003? Two occasions. Spent two separate nights in Emergency enjoying the benefits of analgesia whilst waiting for some stones to pass, then I went home. Had my tonsils out when I was 10 years old, back in the days when they seemed to like doing that. Needed the occasional thing stitched up over the years, and that took place generally in the Emergency section. Other than that? Me and hospitals are not so familiar, and I think that’s the case for most Aussies. In the Philippines? When the human machine breaks down and someone collapses, they end up in the hospital. I would say many would stare at you blankly if you asked who their family doctor was! Some of them seem to spend a few days to a week there every year or so, then go home to wait for it to happen again. Scared into doing something to prevent it from happening again? Not likely!  

Filipinos and Doctors and Chronic Conditions

Most know what “chronic” refers to. Those things that don’t normally get better. Hypertension. Diabetes. Chronic good-looks, like I have. Most of these (other than the handsomeness) can be managed and maintained by medication and possibly diet and/or lifestyle changes, and whilst far from ideal most find they can lead comfortable lives when on maintenance programs under the direction of a doctor. And yes, I know that many are short of money, and medication plus doctors cost money. But families losing mothers and/or fathers usually means the loss of an income and/or a child-carer. That costs a whole lot more, and leaves kids without the parent they need and deserve. There are competent doctors everywhere, and not all maintenance medications are top-shelf priced. After Irene died in 2012, I got Mila to check her various siblings when she could. Discovered that most of them had hypertension issues, with some very serious. Some are taking medication regularly, and have benefited. Others take it sometimes, then stop when they feel better. So whilst it’s far from perfect, it’s better than it was.  

Suggestions for your relatives in Philippines

Suggest that you consider getting your 25 - 30+ relatives in Philippines checked for the following:

Diabetes

Hypertension

Chest xrays for Tuberculosis. Even for kids. Our local hospital charges P280.00 only!

Pap smears for ladies

Mammograms (40 years +)

And anything else they’ve been ignoring for years

 The following blog post Philippines Health Issues – Breakdown Maintenance was originally published to Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa

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A good and loyal wife from the Philippines

  Thoughts of the good and loyal woman - the ideal Filipina wife - have had me thinking over the last few days. I have an old mate from NZ whom I’ve known for……no idea. 16, 17, 18 years or so. I used to run an online advice forum many years ago when I was first involved with Filipina ladies, and Ted was one of my fellow moderators. Sensible and logical man, with a long-standing marriage to a Filipina lady. Well, he sent me photos of his grandson the other day. Been married to Raquel for 38 years! A bit more than most of us. He used to tell me some really amazing stories about his wife’s family in the Philippines, and the ends they went to trying to extract money from them. And he had and still does have some choice stories of men he knows who married real gold-diggers who put the needs of family in Philippines first and their marriage second.    

But he coped, and whilst my relatives aren’t nearly as bad I cope too with some of the problems that come up with attempted users-and-abusers and just those annoying situations caused by coarse manners and those unavoidable cross-cultural clashes because Ted and I have one thing in common. We both married GOOD women, who are completely loyal! Woe betide the relative who tries to pull the wool over Mila’s eyes. (Why am I saying Kiwi things like “choice” and mentioning wool??)  

A loyal Filipina wife – the essential basis

There are a million expressions out there about loyal wives, and how they can either make or break a man. And gentlemen, wasn’t that one of the factors that steered us toward the Philippines in the first place? The stories of the decent, family-oriented Filipina ladies who weren’t man-haters who would run to the divorce lawyer at the first sign of how “the magic had gone” from the marriage? That being the case, why do so many end up with women who put the family in the Philippines first? Where’s the loyalty in that?? I can remember a friend of Mila’s in Hong Kong. I met her before Mila and I married. She told Mila she didn’t like me, because I wanted to know what was going on! Her idea of the ideal “foreigner” was the one who kept his mouth shut and his wallet open! Her plan was to marry a western man, and that they would both work. His salary would take care of her and any children she had with him, and hers would go straight to the family. She was pretty, but my goodness! Happy to say she never married a white fellah, and ended up in the provinces with a local chap. Mila? First job in Australia? Told me of all the plans she had for new curtains etc in our home! And to this day, she is actually less generous to her family than I am! They all learned long ago that her response would always be “I’ll talk to my husband about that, and we’ll let you know.” Either that, or she just ignores the request and I never even know about it if it’s really unreasonable. And yes, I feel incredibly lucky…..as I should. No doubt Ted feels exactly the same, and has no regrets at finding his good woman all those years ago. I envy nobody at all! She has my back absolutely. She understands me. She believes in me. She spoils me rotten, no question. My best friend, and my soulmate. But whilst I know how lucky I am, isn’t it just plain reasonable to expect this as a basis for a good marriage and a good life?  

Marrying the whole Filipino family

I detest this expression, because it’s used for the wrong reasons. This is the one that men with DIS-loyal Filipina wives use as a justification of their predicament! Yes, they are her family, and she will always love them and care about them. It’s also a country full of poverty and without those safety nets that Aussies take for granted. Get sick, and you don’t have a Medicare card. No Health Care Card if you are on a pension, and there are no standard pensions or “dole” that people can fall back on like Australians come to expect. No one should expect her to sit back and let her family wallow in misery, obviously. What I’m talking about though is the share-the-wealth mentality that says if one family member strikes it rich, everyone gets to share. Nonsense! It may surprise many an Aussie that it’s not just Australian husbands in Australian Filipina relationships who run afoul of the disloyal Filipina wife who puts her Filipino family first. This even happens within Filipino marriages. We have a few family members who have wives who’ve spent their working lives supporting lazy siblings. Some have ended up at the end of their working lives with nothing, and there are others who have some nasty little surprises waiting for them when they get their very last pay packet!   My best advice is to set your standards high. Loyalty is a reasonable request. Give your wife your total loyalty, and expect the same in return. Wives, please do the same. Let your relatives know where you stand, and that it’s side by side with your husband as you should. They will have no choice but to accept it. If they get unpleasant, distance yourselves. You have each other, and that matters most of all.  

The following post A good and loyal wife from the Philippines wasis available on Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa

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How to treat your Australian man – 2018 Update

  There is an expression that goes around saying that “When you marry a Filipina, you marry the whole family”. I cringe a bit at the expression, because it’s something used by that very passive Australian man who accepts everything that comes from his new Filipino family without ever arguing. I think that everyone who knows me knows that I love the Philippines and Filipino people, otherwise why would I live here? And I try as much as I can to treat my Filipino family with kindness and respect, however it is a two-way street. I'm very patient and understanding, but only up to a point! Respect and understanding must flow both ways, or it ends badly.    

  But yes, if you do marry a Filipina, her family will play a part in both your lives because Filipinos are generally close to their family and their family members are rarely in the background. But this article is for the purposes of trying to help Filipinas AND their families to learn and to also adjust to the inevitable changes. Just as your family will be in his life, he will be in your life and their lives too. And as your husband, they need to understand and accept that their dealings with you are also dealings with him. And out of kindness and respect, you AND your Filipino family need to understand some important things about Australian men.  

Australians want to be accepted

Australians are egalitarian by nature. It means we treat everyone as an equal, and want to be treated the same. The kindest thing you can do is to treat him as a member of the family, and not as someone different. Filipinos use the word “foreigner”. In Australia, this is an insulting word because it says that this person does not belong. If you have a piece of glass or a splinter in your foot, it is a “foreign body” that you want to remove. Call an Australian a “foreigner” and treat him as one, as this is how you make him feel.   Let me explain some of the things over the years that have made me feel unwelcome • Filipinos who CAN speak English, speaking in Tagalog or their own dialect in front of me. • Filipinos avoiding talking to me, or being near me, or even greeting me when they visit, and claiming that they “feel shy”. If you value the feelings of the Australian family member, you should make a strong effort to get over your shyness. Shyness is often just laziness. • Answering my questions by speaking to my wife or another Filipino instead, because it’s easier for them. Also not discussing things with me that directly affect me. • I get very little of this one, because I have a very loyal wife. But I know it happens where family members try to persuade the Filipina wife to do things (especially regarding money) without discussing it with the Australian husband.   My relatives are basically a good and decent lot, and we fortunately have few of the ones who constantly have their hands out for money. And most of those attempts fail, because Mila is a tough  character. And they will do anything for us, and definitely never forget their utang. But yes, I felt like a foreigner when I first arrived on their doorstep many years ago, and I still do. I will tell you what I particularly love about Filipino children here. They see me as who I am and barely notice racial or cultural differences. I have adult family members who know nothing about me, regardless of how many years I’ve been around. I have one brother-in-law and his wife who treat me as their brother, and this means so much to me. And the kids get me very easily. But I also have relatives who will visit us, arriving and leaving via our back gate, and they can be here for several days without me even knowing they are here. I’ve since taken charge of the key to the back gate and made it clear that if they don’t have the good manners to arrive via my front door, to look me in the eye and to shake my hand (the men, that is), then I don’t want them coming here. They would never do that at a Filipino’s house. Shyness is no excuse for bad manners and a lack of respect.  

Filipinos? How to treat an Australian in-law

This is for Filipino wives and family members - and this includes my own relatives! • Treat him like a human being, and not as a foreigner. And get to know him and who he actually is! You may even make a true friend! • Remember that despite his skin colour, his preference for English, his funny accent and his different customs, this is still your new in-law. He married your daughter/sister/niece. Give him the acceptance that is his right. • Wives? Your loyalty and your duty is to your husband and new family first. Don’t allow any relative to try to undermine that, and shame on any relatives who do anything that will weaken their marriage! • Speak English! There is nothing that excludes and isolates somebody like speaking in a language that they do not understand. Even if your English is poor, show some respect! No Australian will ever laugh at your poor English skills, which will always be better than his Tagalog skills! He knows this too. The brother-in-law I mentioned? He has just average English skills, especially now that he lives in Spain. But he will still sit next to me, and he will always greet me with a hug. • Wives? Your husband is not balato* for your family to share in. Keep money out of it, or it will go sour very quickly. Speaking for myself, I’m generous when it comes to welcoming guests (if they don’t arrive at the back gate!) and I’ve been very forthcoming when genuine emergencies happen. With the kids, we are especially generous and kind. But I find attempts to take advantage of us very hurtful when it comes from those who should be family. • And don’t judge him according to Filipino standards. Something he does may be bad manners by Filipino standards, yet perfectly normal for an Australian. Be assured that this works both ways, and hopefully he is also trying to understand Filipino differences without judging. Try to look for the intention behind the action or behavior. Are his intentions good? If so, let it go! (*“Balato” is a Filipino tradition of sharing winnings and good fortune with handouts to other family members)   Try it! Your lives will be much smoother and everyone will get fair treatment. I'm sure you all want this.   PLEASE NOTE: This is an update of a 2016 article    

The following blog post How to treat your Australian man – 2018 Update wasRead more at: Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa

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Philippines Medical Issues and Doctors

  Filipinos get sick like everybody else does. The Philippines itself is a crowded place, and probably the fact that there is less space between people means that people catch bugs regularly. So if you have a Filipina sweetheart, you will have to deal with her getting sick sometimes. And every Australian man in an Australian Filipina relationship needs to learn a few peculiarities about Philippines medical issues and doctors.    

  Being OA – Over-Acting

I will tell everyone who asks that your average Filipina is a survivor and a pretty capable lady. Usually a pretty lady too, but that’s off-track. If she needs to stand in queues all day or take long bus trips or work long hours, yes she can do so. However if she feels unwell, will she put on a brave face and say the Tagalog equivalent of “She’ll be right!”? Not likely! Not with her man especially. She will moan and groan. She will cry easily. She may look like she’s about to fall off the perch. Then she will burp and say she feels better now! Don’t apply this rule-of-thumb to each and every situation, of course. You may miss something serious, and I don’t want you blaming poor Jeff for it! Take note that Filipina ladies love being fussed-over by a loving and caring man, so I do suspect that this may be part of it. But do yourselves a favour and learn the difference between a bit of OA, and a genuine need for medical attention. It can take you years to work out, let me tell you!  

Generic Medicine and Self-Prescribing

This is a country where you can buy most medicines over the counter at the pharmacy with no prescription. No strong painkillers or sedatives, but things like antibiotics? Most definitely. So people self-prescribe. Let me explain what’s wrong with that! Generic Medicine: What this means is cheap drugs with questionable quality coming in from China mostly. So whilst it may be the right drug, it might be ineffective on the disease. As far as I can gather, you can reasonably rely on the larger pharmacy chains. Need to avoid the generic medicine places. Relying on unqualified advice: Relying on the neighbor telling you that Amoxicillin will work, or taking what they took for their condition which surely must be the same as yours! If it’s the wrong medicine it simply won’t do anything, obviously. And the danger with antibiotics is the build-up of drug-resistant bacteria out there. I’ll explain that shortly! Only taking until you feel better: Very common scenario. Go to the chemist/pharmacy in the Philippines and ask for a particular medicine and they will ask you how many you want! Seriously! In Australia? You get the box, and with antibiotics you know you need to finish the entire course whether you feel better or not. Here? You get as many or as few as you can afford, and then stop. Common with blood pressure (hypertension) or “high blood” as it’s called here. People take the medicine when they feel bad, and stop taking it as soon as they feel better. Very dangerous!  

Drug-Resistant Organisms

I mentioned Amoxicillin before. It’s even available in some sari sari stores here, and it’s the stock standard antibiotic that most Filipino grandmas and helpful neighbors will suggest. And there are plenty of cheap generics around too. AND people may only take 3 – 4 of them when they get sick. Drug resistance means that if you go in to wipe out some bacteria with a weak dose of a broad-spectrum antibiotic (like Amoxicillin) and you wipe out half the population of bacteria, which ones do you think survive? The stronger ones, obviously. And if you keep using the same drug time and time again, then some of the surviving bacteria….the tough guys…..may manage to form genetic mutations which are totally unaffected by that drug. Your doctor will know when an organism is showing resistance, and will prescribe something else which is more likely to wipe out even the mutating tough-guy bacteria. In other words, minimum dosing with poor quality medicine just makes the bugs stronger and harder to control. A dangerous game for an amateur to play!  

Avoidance of doctors

I suppose much of this comes from being short of money. Remember that this is a country where there is no Medicare or Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme like there is in Australia. Going to the doctor costs money. Proper medication costs money. Blood tests, ECG’s, XRAYs, etc, these all cost money. So much of this would have come from a history of not being able to afford proper treatment, so you will generally find the scenario is something like this: “Ohhhh, aray ko! Masakit!.......” and the sounds of suffering. You say “You better go to the doctor!”, and you will get “Nooooooooo. No, not the doctor. No, I’ll be fine!” Sound familiar, gentlemen? Most of us know that most medical conditions can be treated and managed when you get onto them quickly. Many conditions left untreated can deteriorate and cause death, and this happens in the Philippines all the time. High blood pressure (hypertension, “high blood”): Often undiagnosed, and often unmedicated. Diets high in salt and high in fat play a part, and untreated can lead to strokes and heart attacks. Diabetes: Eating absurdly large quantities of rice, too much sugar, fried foods and assorted junk food. Untreated leads to amputations, blindness and plenty of other nasties. Breast cancer and cervical cancer: Ask your lady if she’s ever had a pap smear, or if she knows how to check her boobs for lumps? I bet the answer is NO. Ask her right now, and you may be in for a shock.   You put the hard yards in meeting a wonderful lady, developing a precious relationship and struggling through the visa minefield so you can lead a happy life. Make sure you take care of her and make sure she takes care of herself so you can enjoy each other for a very long time.    

The following blog post Philippines Medical Issues and Doctors wasis republished from Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa

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Bukas na lang! Impulsive Filipinos

  I write many an article about life in the Philippines and about understanding Filipino culture and mindset, and I can see a positive side to most things. Wonderful, kind-hearted people who have a lot to teach us hard-hearted “foreigners”, as I’m sure most involved in Australian Filipina relationships learn to realise. But this is one area where I must admit I find myself struggling to understand, and that is why Filipinos tend to act with impulsiveness with little to no thought of long-term ramifications and sometimes tragic results that hurt them more than anybody else.    

  “Bukas na lang” means “Ahhhh, leave it for tomorrow.” Let’s not think about it today. Again, I love this place and I love the Filipino people here. This is my home. But my goodness, I find this so difficult. What I’m talking about is Filipinos making decisions to suit right now, and to hell with the consequences. Sometimes this is tied-up with pride, hurt feelings, etc. See the previous article on “onion skin” and how easy it is for Filipinos to get their feelings hurt, and how this can lead to careless decisions. But it’s not just that. It applies to so many things. There’s a lack of forward planning, and decisions are made without considering consequences in the short or long term.  

Impulsive behavior - Filipinos AND Australians

We can all be impulsive. Our emotions and our hormones can make us do stupid things which we later regret. Those Australian men who’ve got themselves involved with a pretty girl who’s just plain wrong for them because her attractiveness made our brains switch off, yes I’m sure they (We? Yes, I’ve done it too!) can relate to the folly of impulsiveness. Fear can be a motivator too, ie. fear of losing what appears a great deal. If we’re angry we can say things we wouldn’t normally say. But most of the time we try not to do this, and we try to consider the medium and long terms. Filipinos though? I suppose maybe its emotion (ie fear, pride, love/desire, anger, embarrassment, etc) which motivates a lot of short-term decisions. There just seems to be less decisiveness in trying to avoid rash decisions than you will see in your average Aussie. Emotions tend to rule the day, and very little is done to fight this. Little in the way of internal struggle, or even useful advice beyond the clichéd mutterings of “He/she is not thinking of his/her future!”  

You are not thinking of your future!

Has everyone heard this one? This is what they say when the teenage girl drops out of college because she’s pregnant to her boyfriend. Their situation caused not only by sexual attraction, but by a lack of planning…..family planning! He didn’t bring condoms. She never insisted on them! But whether it’s that, or the kid simply not taking studies seriously, or tossing in a job opportunity because it meant would miss the family and friends, that’s the common response. Everyone says they were not “thinking of their future���, but this often lacks weight because the person who says it rarely thinks of their own future either. Before I came here permanently, and when I had just been a frequent visitor, I still thought mostly as an Aussie. How else could I? I grew up in Australia! In Australia I was always acutely aware of the “wolf at the door”. Always aware that the world was a scary place, and that it would eat you alive without you having security and stability. House….money in the bank….safety from the elements and from “bad guys”, etc. Yet Australia has safety nets that the Philippines doesn’t have. You can’t “get the dole” or be placed in a nice housing commission house if you find yourself on the street with no money. Here? No money and no house means you go hungry and you may sleep in the rain. Is that enough to motivate the average person, especially those with family to support, to work hard and to hang onto a job? Not necessarily. I can remember a job I had years ago in Sydney. Had wife and baby at home at the time. I was in my 20’s and it was the late 80’s. And no, I didn’t have a mullet hairstyle. I was just a whole lot slimmer. I had a manager at work insult me, and he did it in front of others. And I sat there and took it. Would have liked to have got up and told him to stick the job where the sun didn’t shine, but no I sat there in silence. Because if I had done so, I would have let my family down and our future plans to move up to QLD when we had enough money for a house deposit would have been put off for maybe years. And that would never have been OK.  

Here? Let’s think of some occasions of Filipinos not “thinking of their future”:

Had a driver (with wife and two kids) try to side-swipe a motorbike in our car (with child passenger) because the motorbike driver had given him “the dirty finger”. I shouted at our driver and told him never to do a thing like that again. Later had his wife text message us with his resignation, because his feelings were hurt. He went back to driving his tricyle.

Same driver it seems had a few arguments with a subdivision guard. Went home…got a gun….pointed it at the guard’s head. Fortunately his late-father was in the NBI, so his old mates collected his home armory and no charges were laid, or he would have been in jail now over hurt feelings.

Office security guard learns someone is squatting in his house in the province. Gets on the bus. Gets a gun. Fully intends shooting the squatters. Not sure why he didn’t succeed, but nearly did. Also a family man, and would have dumped his family because his anger won the day.

Domestic helper with six kids, useless husband (doesn’t work, and has mistresses). Lived in poverty, and resembled a broomstick. Worked with us. Good salary. Had plans for building a proper house. Husband tells her to come visit. Fakes having a stroke (yes, I’m serious!), which the doctor identified in examination as fake. Did all this because she loved him and missed him, and lost what would have been long-term employment and a good future for kids.

  Basically, we’ve had to learn how to talk to staff very carefully and at the same time expect to see good employees throw everything away if they feel embarrassed or get their feelings hurt. Hang the consequences. Forget about taking it on the chin, because life is just like that. Forget what ol’ Malcolm Fraser said about “Life was not meant to be easy”! We already have to put up with staff needing to take days off because it’s their birthday, or it’s their child’s birthday, or someone asked them to be a bridesmaid at their wedding which is taking place on a work day. We’ve had staff telling us they wanted to visit their mum for her birthday in the province the evening before. Me? I sit here and work when I have a fever, or with a bad headache, or when my back is giving me merry hell. Because if I don’t do what is required, then my business will suffer and my clients will go elsewhere. Who could blame them? And that’s just reality. Yes, getting a little off-track here onto work-ethic issues, but it’s all part of it. I really do wonder why so many Filipinos take the path of least resistance. There is a wolf at the door in Australia, but there’s a whole pack of Filipino wolves here in the and they have rabies! Let your emotions get the better of you in the Philippines, and you lose out badly! And no, sadly I don’t have any answers. If you intend to have dealings with Filipinos, you can expect to come across this difficult phenomena.  

The following article Bukas na lang! Impulsive Filipinos wasRead more at: Filipina Wives Blog

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The Filipino Finders Fee! Microeconomy at its most dubious!

  I’m an Australian through and through, and where I come from you never try to rip off a mate. Business is business, and we’re all entitled to earn a living, but when it comes to friends, family and neighbours we take a different approach. And so do many in the Philippines, but not everyone! There are those who always have their hands out for a finders fee, and those in Australian Filipina relationships need to learn about this.  

Look a little familiar??

    What is a finders fee? Is it a commission?

OK, of course it’s easy to criticize when you’re in the luxurious position of being able to say “Oh, no. That’s OK. I don’t want any money.” And it’s a lot harder when you are living day-to-day. Life can be very hard in the Philippines, and there is a distinct lack of safety nets. However for many, they could do better if they thought beyond the immediate opportunities and reaped the longer-term rewards that come from integrity. What it means essentially that there are people here in the Philippines who will always “top up” a cost, so as to include something for themselves, or they’ll just outwardly ask for their cut. In most cases not something that bothers the locals very much, because they come to expect it. And they may even do the same thing themselves, so don’t see the problem. And of course if someone genuinely works for something, they are entitled to make some money. You get someone running errands, standing in lines, negotiating on your behalf, well then sure. If they didn’t include it in the price at the start, you would tend to give them a decent tip anyway. The one that’s annoying is the unearned or barely-earned fee. The Filipino who does practically nothing, then wants to profit from it.  

Examples of questionable finders fees

“Hello neighbour! Do you know a good plumber?” Neighbour texts a plumber he knows. Plumber turns up and works. At the end of the job, the neighbor hits up the plumber for a finders fee.

We had a driver once who used to tell businesses that we dealt with that they were the one who directed us to go there, and would stick his hand out for payment.

Same driver found a masseuse for Mila who would come to the house. Used to get a cut each and every time the masseuse came here.

Needed an NSO birth certificate for our daughter Remy (many years back). A relative volunteered. She was late-registered, and relative claimed the birth certificate became more expensive the later it was registered. Would have simply paid her for her time if she had asked, but it was the lying that I never quite forgot.

Distant relative told us of a farm for sale in the province. A bit of a bargain. Did nothing more than this. Found out later wanted a HUGE cut from the seller. On principle we just walked away.

  Finders fees. The problem.

Again, this is mainly a problem when you don’t expect it. Australians traditionally don’t work that way. You help out a mate, and you are 100% upfront with them. If you help them pour a concrete slab, you are happy with beer and a good feed at the end. You also know you can count on them if you need help, in the same way that Filipinos accumulate utang na loob. However that’s very much a back-of-the-mind thing. If you never need help with concreting, it would never bother you. We loaned some money to a very honorable couple of relatives recently. They wanted to let us plant rice on their farm in return. Mila told them directly that I would never even think of that. Aussies don’t make profit from those we are close to. It doesn’t feel right. And decent Filipinos feel the same. But there are always those who don’t.  

Back to those you could, should, or with time will come to expect it from!

You can expect the taxi driver who suggests a particular hotel to come in with you when you check in, and get a little handout. You may have a guard at the airport who suggests a particular hotel and says “Give them this card”, which is a card with his name on. Yes, he’s organizing a payment for himself later. If someone at the hotel offers to organize a beautician to do a manicure for your wife, they will get a small cut. If a staff member asks if you need a good money changer, they have some in mind who will give them a handout. When you’ve been here long enough, you know this and it doesn’t bother you. I actually admire this, because they’re showing some initiative. They help me out, and they make a bit. I’m fine with that. And at the end of the day, they’re just trying to support their families a little bit better. And again, to me? Business is business. Where I have a problem is when it’s someone whom you trust, or where it’s a blatant ripoff. Or when it’s an employee of yours making profit in excess of the salary you pay them. The other thing is when they see the white man foreigner and they go for the big rip-off. The taxi driver who charges 10 times the prices because he may just get away with it. Makes a big profit today if he gets away with it, but will never get repeat business. No doubt hard to resist when the opportunity is there, but there is this thing called integrity. Those who do act with integrity and don’t take advantage of short-term opportunities can instead win the trust of those around them and build a strong reputation for honest dealing which will pay off far more over time.    

The following post The Filipino Finders Fee! Microeconomy at its most dubious! wasis courtesy of www.filipinawives.com.au

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Personal Hygiene And Disease Control in the Philippines

  You're probably wondering how on earth I could make an issue out of personal hygiene amongst Filipinos, right? This is a country full of sweet-smelling and clean people, no question about it. Despite the tropical heat, you very rarely smell a stinky armpit! No one wears dirty clothes with stains. No one has dirty shoes. Schoolkids go to school with toothbrushes and toothpaste for after lunch. And ladies generally take care of their “lady-areas” very well, and that's all I'll say on that subject.    

  Yes, the level of personal hygiene has long impressed me here. When you would see girls walking out of slum areas on the way to work looking immaculate, and kids school uniforms crisp and white. I think of my years as a single dad, and never working out how someone could get sweat stains out of collars. My boys school shirts always had stains, but then as a parent in Australia I wasn't alone. Wouldn't cut it here in the Philippines at all! But the issue for this article is not with body-cleanliness matters, but more about avoiding sharing disease and infection from one person to another, and it’s something that Australian Filipina couples should be aware of.  

Sharing diseases in the Philippines

Blunt heading, but this is the issue! Filipinos are a bit too relaxed when it comes to controlling the spread of bacteria and diseases amongst each other. The Philippines has a high incidence of Hepatitis. Hepatitis B, 1 in 7 adults in the Philippines have it! This compares with about 1 in 100 in Australia. There's also Hepatitis A and Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis and rising rates of HIV. This is accentuated by poverty, of course. Filipinos have a habit of sharing food and drink with each other, and this is a great way to spread disease! Hep B and TB can be spread by saliva! Drink out of the same bottle or dip your saliva-covered utensils or eating-fingers into the same plate or "banana leaf" of food, and you most definitely WILL share saliva with others. And people do this all the time. Filipinos are a sociable people, and sharing food is as natural as breathing. Arrive anywhere when food is being eaten, and you will be invited to share it. Comment on what a Filipino is eating, and they will offer you some and expect you to dig right in. And the same thing when you are eating something, don't be too surprised if someone wants to taste it. And small children, ie. those under 10, are often fed very informally by whoever is there. If a child is in reach, it's normal practice to get a bit of food off your plate (by utensils or eating-fingers) and stick it in the child's mouth. And if the child wants something you are eating, don't be too surprised to find that small child with mouth open in front of you. I'm not comfortable with this for a number of reasons, and spread of disease is one of them. For any of you with kids here in Philippines, you absolutely must train them not to share food or drink with their friends at school. Taking a bite of what someone else is eating, or drinking from someone else's cup or bottle is very common. My girls will tend to just give the bottle to the other kid and say "keep it", because fortunately they listened to me. And no one is allowed to feed our kids from their plates.  

The kitchen sink

This is another area that tends to trouble me, and is why I've insisted that everyone in our household washes hands in the bathroom and not in the kitchen sink. And let me explain why this can lead to disease. Has everyone heard of E. coli? I think most know that this is a bacteria which is quite capable of causing you to be very ill, and in some cases even kill you. Some issues? It comes from fecal matter, ie. it comes from poo. And that means you wash your hands after using the toilet and you may have poo under your nails. It's known as a thermotolerant coliform. A "coliform" is a type of bacteria, and thermotolerant means it tolerates hotter-than-normal heat. In fact you need to subject it to 70 degrees Celcius for a couple of minutes to kill it. And that's pretty hot! And before you think that washing in hot water will control E. coli, you can’t wash up in 70 degree water! You can tolerate 42 – 44 degree water, and that’s about it! The issue is therefore that washing your toilet-hands in the kitchen sink, realize you or someone in the household could end up sick as a result. And it’s not just E. coli. There are plenty of ordinary bacteria from dirty hands from ordinary daily activity that you would be better off not on the drinking glasses. I hope this article prompts a bit of awareness of this issue, and that it leads to a few positive changes.  

The following article Personal Hygiene And Disease Control in the Philippines wasRead more at: www.filipinawives.com.au

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Traps with Philippines charity

  The Philippines is a land of contrasts. It’s still the third-world, despite what is considered a rapidly growing economy. Plenty who drive Ferraris and Porches, but there remain those who live on the street or scrounge through garbage looking for something to sell, so plenty of opportunity for Philippines charity. Decent Australian men in Australian Filipina relationships naturally want to do something to make it better, but is there a right way and a wrong way to go about this?     I’ve long been a follower of the man from Galilee, and despite being also a believer in working hard and taking responsibility for your lot in life, there are many who had an unfairly rough start in life and it’s our duty to help out where we can. Loving our neighbor means not turning our backs when we have the opportunity to be kind and to make up inequities. Our own blessings should be shared, and if all of those of us who do OK in life and have a bit left over could share that with those who are not so fortunate, there would be no poverty in the world. And hence one of the problems. With kids, you need to accept that they did nothing to create their situation through laziness and/or poor decisions. They were born into their current situation, and if you can help them then you most certainly should. We have a house full of kids we didn’t make ourselves, and I think we always will. And we have other kids that don’t live here but we help with education expenses.  

Helping those less fortunate in Philippines – Problems?

It all really stems around who you should help. From being here as long as we have, this has been the lesson. Whenever someone is here and willing to help, there is always someone there willing to take advantage. And as per usual, the problem starts when the Australian man, who is just an ordinary man in Australia, forgets that here he isn’t see as that ordinary man anymore. Here he will always be the rich man, and those in need will be very aware of this. And as I said above, kids by themselves won’t take advantage of you. They also did nothing to create the situation they found themselves born into. And not all, but many adults have made their own bed and really need to either lie in it or make some changes themselves. But many of them are only willing to take handouts and you may be only encouraging and supporting laziness and bad choices.  

Charities in Philippines

When we first moved here we found a charity funded by a UK-based international charity, and managed by an English fellow who wasn’t lacking in means himself. They took in homeless kids from the local dump site. These were scavengers who made their living scouring the garbage mountains and collecting what they could sell. Great bunch of kids, and we enjoyed visiting. And we were more than willing to make life better for them. Organised a medical and dental mission there, with a very kind doctor and equally kind dentist. And we had plans of getting them all new mattresses and bedding. In both cases, the staff were quick to come back to us with costings for both medical/dental treatment and for bedding. But what they didn’t like was that we were prepared to bring THINGS (ie. doctors, medicine, bedding, and we would arrive laden with fresh fruit, etc). They wanted us to bring CASH and not ask any questions. The last time we visited, the kids all stayed upstairs and my poor wife was left ignored downstairs. So yes, we parted company after that. And had a similar one with a charity that would go out and provide food for the hungry. They had purchased land, and were building a pretty nice centre, complete with their own residence included. Seemed like nice people. And I’m fairly sure the American gentlemen who was the public front was sincere, however it was obvious that donations didn’t necessarily end up where they were meant to go, and the feeding program was as cheap and un-nutritious as it could possibly be. Feed 100 people on probably less than P1,000.00. Everyone has a snack and that gives them a reason to smile for the cameras, and 100 people getting fed always sounds impressive. But one suspects the profits are going elsewhere, and this is the problem. There are some good charitable institutions here, such as Don Bosco and of course Fr Shay Cullen and his PREDA organization in Olongapo. Fr Shay is one of my very few heros. My advice is to not give up on the idea, but to be careful and make sure your money goes where you want it to go. Watch out for charity scams and scammers.  

Private charity in Philippines

If you know the situation and if you can manage it yourself, then you can be certain that your spending goes where it’s supposed to go. And as much as possible, try to help kids and young people rather than those who are less deserving and may have created their own problems themselves. We have kids here. Six of them. We take care of them, feed them, send them to school and most importantly give them lots of love and guidance. If you are willing to do this, you will no doubt have relatives who are struggling and are willing to let their kids live with you to give them a better start in life than their parents could. This is as challenging as any child-rearing will ever be, of course. The kids may be difficult and unruly, and you have the issue of them possibly wanting to run back to their parents if you have a family dispute. So don’t expect the Brady Bunch. But we’ve never regretted it. The other way is to support kids in their education. Could be relatives. Or in our case we have a handful of scholars in the province who can’t afford to continue their education. The cost to the average Australian is minimal, but it can make a massive difference. I think the main issues are not only to avoid anyone pocketing your generosity by either paying for things yourself or relying on a relative you can absolutely trust. The other issue is making sure you’re not seen as a soft touch, and ensuring a positive result. Because you can easily get burned-out and sick of the whole thing if you feel you’re being taken advantage of. With something like education support? You need to insist on minimal grade averages, and on seeing school reports. Need to make sure that the kid isn’t skipping school and pocketing the money! We’ve had that happen years ago. Never again. And if you have kids living with you? Make sure you don’t spoil them and make them think they’ve become fairy princesses in a castle. Watch their attitudes. If they arrived humble and kind, make sure they remain that way. Don’t be a soft touch, and ensure they never forget where they came from. Once you have a kid who’s showing off at school that they’re being dropped off in an expensive car and going on about the flash house they live in, and then talking down to your household helpers, you will know what I’m talking about here. Build bodies and minds, but ensure you build decent character too.    

The following blog post Traps with Philippines charity wasis available on Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog

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The obsession with milk, rice and vitamins in the Philippines

  The milk lobby has long been very effective in convincing people that milk is an essential part of good nutrition. Nowhere more than in the Philippines. Filipino parents are utterly convinced that milk (and vitamin pills) are essential for the health of children, along with excessive rice consumption. The end result is still a whole lot of child malnutrition among Filipino children.    

  Milk products for children in the Philippines Most Filipino mothers will breastfeed, I’m happy to say. Yet at some stage the milk products appear, and kids who are 5, 6 and 7 can still be found lying on the floor sucking out of bottles. Sometimes 5 or more bottles a day of milk formula. And the ads on TV will promote the benefits to children of different milk products, often with exorbitant claims of benefits like increased height and doing better in school. Truth in advertising laws are not heavily enforced here, you soon discover. There are even milk products aimed at the elderly, with ads showing Lolo finally remembering his wedding anniversary thanks to the brain-revitalising benefits gained. And I say “milk products” because you see very little fresh milk here. It’s not really a dairy country. Dairy cattle do best in temperate climates and not in the tropics. So mostly what we’re talking about is canned powder with added chemicals. Yet despite the encouraged consumption of milk products, malnutrition and specific nutrient deficiencies (anemia, Vitamin A deficiency, Vitamin D deficiency, calcium deficiency, etc) is rife throughout the country and very notable in kids. Diets tend to be high in carbohydrate and fat, whilst low in protein and vitamins. Carbohydrate allows bodies enough energy to move about, but it doesn’t build growing bodies like protein and vitamins.   The Australian diet by comparison. I grew up like a typical suburban Australian through the late 60’s and 70’s eating the standard Australian diet. Meat and three veg dinners. Bowl of fruit on the table. Eggs for breakfast. Vegemite sandwiches for lunch. And my (Aussie) kids grew up much the same, except with a bit more variety than meat and three veg. Still, always meat and veges and carbohydrates in a healthy proportion. And I ended up with 6’ tall sons with no stunting. And know what? No milk products! And no daily vitamins! Never once had a doctor in Australia say “Give this child milk!” or to prescribe multivitamins. Never happened, nor did it ever happen with anyone else I knew. Eldest son Greg had a bottle of milk (ie milk, and not powder) at night up until he was maybe 2. Jeremy never drank from a bottle in his life. And I was the same. No living memory of ever drinking milk, which means I must have been very young the last time I had any. Yet in Australia you don’t see stunted kids. You don’t see kids with brown stumps in their mouths where teeth used to be. And it has nothing to do with the consumption of milk and vitamins, rest assured. It has all to do with balanced diets. The consumption of enough building blocks (protein and vitamins) to make kids grow normally.   Better alternatives to the Filipino diet The common response you get when you suggest to Filipinos that their kids should eat better is that they can’t afford it. And yes, this is often the case. But I whilst I acknowledge that many people can’t feed their kids on steak and an array of fresh fruit, there are still changes that can be made to get the balance right. Protein: Fish is fairly cheap, and it’s a fine source of protein. And legumes like mung beans (mongo) are 24% protein, and full of iron and calcium! And they’re cheap! And eggs are a great kid-food. Low in harmful cholesterol, and loaded with protein. Nature designed eggs as baby-food. My kids eat eggs every day, and they are all solid muscle. Vitamins: Vegetables (gulay) are the best source of vitamins available. Yet there are many who simply won’t eat them, because they think that’s what the poorest of the poor eat. Bad mistake. They should be a part of every meal. And seasonal local vegetables can be bought at the local market economically. If kids grow up on them, they get used to eating them. Carbohydrate: Proportionally no plate should contain more than 1/3 of a carbohydrate source, be that rice, potatoes, pasta or noodles. Not 90% rice-mountain with a splash or brown water and a teaspoon of fatty pork. Our household rule is 1/3 rice, 1/3 vegetable, 1/3 meat. And we have a house full of healthy kids. No stunting. No rotten teeth. So it clearly works.    

The following blog post The obsession with milk, rice and vitamins in the Philippines was originally seen on Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog

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Being a poor Australian man in the Philippines

  A blunt heading, but it’s a topic I feel like being blunt about. As an Australian man in the Philippines, you simply don’t want to be poor. Mila and myself have lived here full time for just over seven years, and we do OK. Our business is successful, and we therefore live comfortably. We’re also conservative and cautious about money, savings and investments. Because there is no safety net. You run out of money, and you are out on the streets and all alone. Being a poor Australian in the Philippines is no fun at all!    

Poor foreigners in the Philippines

We have friends here amongst the Australian expats in the Philippines, as well as Canadians, Americans and Englishmen and a stray Iranian. Some come here with investments, superannuation, etc. Others have their home country pension. Others run businesses. There are those who work for Embassies and global companies with a few key staff from Australia or wherever who are on fairly healthy salaries with benefits. I can’t say I know any personally. Most of the Aussies and other nationality expats here are either on pensions or are running businesses. Mostly? Not doing so well. Mostly money is tight, and they do without a lot of things. And I wonder why they do it, to be quite honest. No matter where you live in the world, of course there’s a wolf at the door. However countries like Australia have very obvious safety nets. Without meaning to appear unsympathetic to any reader on a low income, no one in Australia really falls that far. Not like they do here in Philippines. Australia has Centrelink benefits. There’s housing commission accommodation. There’s Medicare, and states like QLD have free hospitals. Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme, even cheaper if you’re on Government benefits. You can even get St Vincent de Paul to bring you a food package if you’re really short. The Philippines? There is no social security that is public, or at least not open to those who didn’t have contributions paid into it while they were working here. So nothing for an Australian expat. No housing commission. No charities that would take you very seriously if you turned up on their doorstep. And try turning up at a hospital with no money and see how far you get. And unlike poor Filipinos, you don’t have a mountain of relatives and friends who will chip in and help you out when things go wrong.  

What can happen to poor Australians?

I’ve known Australians here to end up literally begging for help when things have gone wrong. Health issues and failed businesses are probably the worst problems that can strike the Australian ex-pat. If a man gets sick he can not only lose his source of income, he can have serious medical bills. Case in point. A very sad story. We had a friend. Australian builder who was trying to establish a business here in Manila. Did great work. We had him doing some work at our place, and we were very happy with what he was doing. But could see that he was struggling. Great builder, but wasn’t an astute businessman at all. Ended up getting ill, and died because he couldn’t afford proper care. The Australian Embassy only contacted his family in Australia for him. They won’t loan money. He left a wife and three kids behind. And we have another friend here who’s been getting chest pains over the last few weeks. Wife and two kids, plus a demanding business. The worry is written all over his face, and as a friend we’re worried for him too. No Medicare to foot the bill, and if he’s not there to run his business the doors will close. And no, he’s also not rolling in spare cash. A few weeks without income, and he will be in trouble. I won’t elaborate today on the folly of many Australians assuming they can set the Filipino world on fire with their great business ideas. Many make wild assumptions as to what would most certainly be successful here, only to find out how wrong they were. I’ve written about this in other BLOG articles, older readers will remember. Many an Australian comes here and misjudges the marketplace completely. Finds Filipino customers unwilling to part with money and unwilling to try anything new. Finds customers who will do everything to avoid paying their accounts. Those who expect bribes before signing contracts. Competition who can survive on much lower incomes that they ever could. So many a business either fails or at least doesn’t produce what will pay for a moderately comfortable lifestyle with some savings to cover emergencies. Yes, savings. Some fat to fall back on during lean times and to cover those unexpected emergencies. Illnesses and hospitalization. Operations. Typhoons and earthquakes. Cars needing to be replaced. Family emergencies where your conscience doesn’t allow you to watch a child go without medical treatment. And lean business times, business failures and getting fired from stable employment. I was talking to an expat once who bought an expensive house a few years back, and said when they’d settled up he had less than a thousand dollars in the bank. That’s insane! What if a tragedy had struck at the same time? Then what? And expats are well known for falling into schemes and scams designed to part them from their savings too. Many come here with hundreds of thousands in the bank only to end up wondering where it all went. Farming ventures. Businesses which have depended on trusted relatives doing the right thing which have failed because they didn’t do the right thing. Buying into bars, restaurants, resorts and ending up with nothing after 6 months. And plenty of stories of trusted wives and sweethearts who have drained bank accounts right under their noses.   The point here is to realise well and truly that you’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. This is the Philippines. There is a PACK of wolves at the door, and they all have rabies! Fail due to carelessness, scams, excessive optimism and a lack of sound planning, and you will fall harder than you ever imagined you could. It may leave you bankrupt and devoid of your life savings, or it may even see you in an earlier grave than you expected. Be cautious and only take those risks you can afford to live with if they fail. Don’t overestimate your abilities, and know that you will never be so acclimatized that you cannot make stupid mistakes due to ignorance. And if your savings are dwindling, pack up and leave while you still can.  

The following blog post Being a poor Australian man in the Philippines was first seen on Filipina Wives Blog

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Being a poor Australian man in the Philippines

  A blunt heading, but it’s a topic I feel like being blunt about. As an Australian man in the Philippines, you simply don’t want to be poor. Mila and myself have lived here full time for just over seven years, and we do OK. Our business is successful, and we therefore live comfortably. We’re also conservative and cautious about money, savings and investments. Because there is no safety net. You run out of money, and you are out on the streets and all alone. Being a poor Australian in the Philippines is no fun at all!    

Poor foreigners in the Philippines

We have friends here amongst the Australian expats in the Philippines, as well as Canadians, Americans and Englishmen and a stray Iranian. Some come here with investments, superannuation, etc. Others have their home country pension. Others run businesses. There are those who work for Embassies and global companies with a few key staff from Australia or wherever who are on fairly healthy salaries with benefits. I can’t say I know any personally. Most of the Aussies and other nationality expats here are either on pensions or are running businesses. Mostly? Not doing so well. Mostly money is tight, and they do without a lot of things. And I wonder why they do it, to be quite honest. No matter where you live in the world, of course there’s a wolf at the door. However countries like Australia have very obvious safety nets. Without meaning to appear unsympathetic to any reader on a low income, no one in Australia really falls that far. Not like they do here in Philippines. Australia has Centrelink benefits. There’s housing commission accommodation. There’s Medicare, and states like QLD have free hospitals. Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme, even cheaper if you’re on Government benefits. You can even get St Vincent de Paul to bring you a food package if you’re really short. The Philippines? There is no social security that is public, or at least not open to those who didn’t have contributions paid into it while they were working here. So nothing for an Australian expat. No housing commission. No charities that would take you very seriously if you turned up on their doorstep. And try turning up at a hospital with no money and see how far you get. And unlike poor Filipinos, you don’t have a mountain of relatives and friends who will chip in and help you out when things go wrong.  

What can happen to poor Australians?

I’ve known Australians here to end up literally begging for help when things have gone wrong. Health issues and failed businesses are probably the worst problems that can strike the Australian ex-pat. If a man gets sick he can not only lose his source of income, he can have serious medical bills. Case in point. A very sad story. We had a friend. Australian builder who was trying to establish a business here in Manila. Did great work. We had him doing some work at our place, and we were very happy with what he was doing. But could see that he was struggling. Great builder, but wasn’t an astute businessman at all. Ended up getting ill, and died because he couldn’t afford proper care. The Australian Embassy only contacted his family in Australia for him. They won’t loan money. He left a wife and three kids behind. And we have another friend here who’s been getting chest pains over the last few weeks. Wife and two kids, plus a demanding business. The worry is written all over his face, and as a friend we’re worried for him too. No Medicare to foot the bill, and if he’s not there to run his business the doors will close. And no, he’s also not rolling in spare cash. A few weeks without income, and he will be in trouble. I won’t elaborate today on the folly of many Australians assuming they can set the Filipino world on fire with their great business ideas. Many make wild assumptions as to what would most certainly be successful here, only to find out how wrong they were. I’ve written about this in other BLOG articles, older readers will remember. Many an Australian comes here and misjudges the marketplace completely. Finds Filipino customers unwilling to part with money and unwilling to try anything new. Finds customers who will do everything to avoid paying their accounts. Those who expect bribes before signing contracts. Competition who can survive on much lower incomes that they ever could. So many a business either fails or at least doesn’t produce what will pay for a moderately comfortable lifestyle with some savings to cover emergencies. Yes, savings. Some fat to fall back on during lean times and to cover those unexpected emergencies. Illnesses and hospitalization. Operations. Typhoons and earthquakes. Cars needing to be replaced. Family emergencies where your conscience doesn’t allow you to watch a child go without medical treatment. And lean business times, business failures and getting fired from stable employment. I was talking to an expat once who bought an expensive house a few years back, and said when they’d settled up he had less than a thousand dollars in the bank. That’s insane! What if a tragedy had struck at the same time? Then what? And expats are well known for falling into schemes and scams designed to part them from their savings too. Many come here with hundreds of thousands in the bank only to end up wondering where it all went. Farming ventures. Businesses which have depended on trusted relatives doing the right thing which have failed because they didn’t do the right thing. Buying into bars, restaurants, resorts and ending up with nothing after 6 months. And plenty of stories of trusted wives and sweethearts who have drained bank accounts right under their noses.   The point here is to realise well and truly that you’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. This is the Philippines. There is a PACK of wolves at the door, and they all have rabies! Fail due to carelessness, scams, excessive optimism and a lack of sound planning, and you will fall harder than you ever imagined you could. It may leave you bankrupt and devoid of your life savings, or it may even see you in an earlier grave than you expected. Be cautious and only take those risks you can afford to live with if they fail. Don’t overestimate your abilities, and know that you will never be so acclimatized that you cannot make stupid mistakes due to ignorance. And if your savings are dwindling, pack up and leave while you still can.  

The following article Being a poor Australian man in the Philippines wasis republished from Filipina Wives Blog

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Let’s eat! Food and sharing in the Philippines.

  Come across a Filipino eating, and they will normally say “Let’s eat!”, or “Kain tayo!” in Tagalog. It’s an invitation to join them to eat, and typical of Filipino generosity. What should you do next time this happens to you? A necessary education for those in an Australian Filipina relationships.    

  “Let’s eat!”

First time someone said “Let’s eat!” to me, I didn’t know what to say. I’d already eaten, and wasn’t sure if I was supposed to go and join them. But this is what Filipinos do when they’re eating and there’s someone else around. It’s almost automatic. And I can remember another time on Bantayan Island many years ago where one of the locals invited me to come and drink with him and his barkadas (mates) after I bought him 3 bottles of the dreaded Kulafu (tastes like drain cleaner and cost P3 per bottle at the time) so he had something to offer his guests. Gave me a stump to sit on, a glass of this amazing beverage and a lump of pig fat. Fortunately I was able to discard the fat by tossing it under something without anyone seeing me, but I struggled down the drain cleaner. But yes, as I said, Filipinos and generosity/hospitality go hand in hand. Eating by yourself and being oblivious to the needs of others, it just isn’t done. So whether you have an abundance or whether it’s something very humble (like that awful lump of fat), you offer it to whoever is present. Try this little exercise next time you see a Filipino eating something. Ask them what they are eating. And guess what they will do? They will immediately offer some or even all of it to you, without hesitation! Do you know that when particular religious groups come knocking at the door, your average Filipino will invite them in and offer them refreshments? They will do this even if it means they need to politely sit through attempts to convert them, because it would be rude to treat a guest any other way! Does that mean you need to stop what you’re doing? Is it rude to say no? No, not at all. You can always politely decline, and no one will be shocked. And if there’s not much to go around, I’m sure they’re just that little bit grateful to hear that you’re busog (full). Know what’s a bit odd? OK, what do you say if someone offers you something in Australia and you don’t want it? Someone asks “Djawannacuppa?” or “Djawannavegemitesanga?” (I’ll let the Australian husbands explain those) or similar? You say, “Oh, no thanks.” Or “Not at the moment, but thanks anyway” etc. In the Philippines? You sort-of screw up your face and say (in a slightly evil-sounding tone) “I don’t like!” You can imagine my shock first time I heard that! You could think of asking “You don’t?? But you had some just before?” Answer? “I know, but IIIIIIII dooooooooon’t liiiiiiiiiike!” Yes, it means they don’t want it right now! Not that they really detest that particular food or beverage!  

Cultural clashes over Filipino food-sharing

Food is an important thing in the Philippines, obviously stemming a lot from the fact that hunger exists and many live day-to-day. Could well be nothing but rice for dinner. So food is definitely life, and sharing keeps people alive. Having guests over means food. Birthday celebrations means food. Baptisms, weddings, funerals and of course the Barangay Fiesta. First one I went to? Fed beef caldereta at every household I was taken to. Told each lady-of-the-house that hers was the very best and won a few pogi-points. Thought I was going to burst! Again, all about sharing. To shut the door and keep the hungry out would never happen. I can remember a time in the distant past where I was visiting *cough* former girlfriend in Cebu. I don’t know what it is about Cebu, but the lechon manok there (barbequed chicken) was absolutely delicious, and nothing like we have in Luzon. So what did I do whilst staying with her at her parents house? Get a single chicken, and we would eat it. Get enough to share with the parents? Never crossed my mind. I almost wince in embarrassment to think of this now. Shudder to think what they must have thought of my lack of manners. Confusion works both ways, of course. I recall a couple we knew years ago, with the lady being an old friend of Mila’s from Hong Kong. Arrived in Australia and complained to Mila that her husband never “offered her food”. She expected him to say “Let’s eat”, etc. and he didn’t. It’s not that she wasn’t welcome to eat. He just didn’t see the point in saying that to his wife, when he expected her to make herself at home and not wait to be asked. Mila would also be amazed if we visited an Australian’s place and find they’d only made one main course. In Australia we ended up getting a new table, because when we had guests the table and the kitchen bench were full to the point that there was no room for anything else. No chance of actually eating at the table, because there was no room. And at one stage (I’ll get into trouble for this!) a party meant her getting up at 4:00am and becoming a complete food-nazi to everyone in the house, and after the guests had left (along with their doggie-bags of baon), those household would be left with shattered nerves and leftovers to eat for the next week or more. I’ve calmed her down a lot since those scary days, but no one is ever left hungry rest assured. That’s the Filipino way.  

The following article Let’s eat! Food and sharing in the Philippines. was first seen on Jeff Harvie of Down Under Visa

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The myth of the rich foreigner from Australia

  The rich foreigner! An important topic to both overseas Filipinos and to their Australian spouses. In short, most of your relatives in the Philippines think you and your Australian husband are rich and have an endless supply of money. They also think it’s OK to share in this wealth freely. And if you're part of an Australian Filipina relationship you need to learn to deal with it.    

  All foreigners are rich

There is a concept going around that everyone who lives in Australia is rich. The same myth applies to America and other foreign countries. Anyone who lives overseas has a money tree growing in the yard, and nothing is ever too much for them. They have everything, and of course they will share it with you. It’s only fair after all. There is no understanding of the cost of living in Australia. No one could imagine you having to pay $300.00 or more per week in rent, or the cost of owning and running a car. A cappuccino costs you $4.00 to $5.00. A beer could cost you $7.00. Steak costs you $20.00 a kg at the supermarket. There are no cheap tricycle or jeepney rides. Yes, maybe you earn $1,000.00 a week, but it disappears fairly quickly. No one realizes that. And there is this concept of being entitled to share in the good fortune of a relative. What’s mine is yours. They would and have always shared what they had with you, and given that you have more to share then of course the ball is in your court to be more generous. Fortune smiled on you, therefore it’s up to you to help out the family members and to spread that wealth.  

Pasalubong

Pasalubong is a Tagalog word which describes gifts and handouts that a returning rich foreigner or balikbayan (returning countryman) is expected to bring with them. And relatives will often descend on the house of the balikbayan relative expecting this. Children are sometimes encouraged to ask “Where is my gift?” I know! Gets on my nerves too! But if you get annoyed, you will end up with a room full of confused people. This is one of those cultural differences. As an Australian it never occurs to you that you have an obligation to purchase gifts for everyone when you travel, but here it most certainly is. Even taking a trip to another town in the Philippines means purchasing things to distribute on your return. Snack foods such as pili nut candies, dried mangos, buku pie, chicharon, etc as well as caps, tshirts, ornaments, etc are the usual. And it doesn’t end there. I’ve heard of cases of relatives going through the suitcase and just helping themselves, and of saying “I like that shirt. Can I have it?” And of course expecting to be taken to resorts, restaurants, etc during a visit and to have the bill taken care of.  

How to deal with the pasalubong mentality?

Like always, this isn’t meant to be a criticism of Filipino culture, or a “Aussies know best” rant. This is purely cultural, and cultural differences can be confusing and can cause misunderstanding when interpreted according to our own cultural conditioning. If you grow up having been taught to never ask someone for a gift, and you hear a kid literally demanding one? It makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. And if you grew up fiercely independent like most Aussies did, you find the concept of someone wanting to share in the wealth of others a bit of a shock. Aussies are proudly independent, and generally have a don’t-take-handouts mentality. My wife sees her elderly parents. They won’t ever ask for anything, however they appreciate it when they’re given a couple of thousand Pesos. Mila gives as a sign of love, and they take it as just that. We used to visit my mum when she was still alive, and Mila would always try to indirectly stock her pantry without her noticing because she knew she would have said “No thanks, I’m fine!” if she had offered money or anything at all really. So Mila would place new bottles of shampoo in the bathroom, and “forget” when we left. She did the same thing in the food cupboard too. Well, my mother DID notice and no she didn’t like it. To an Aussie it means saying she can’t cope, and an Aussie would rather do-without than to take charity. But as I’ve covered before, the Philippines is an interdependent country. People depend on each other, and they see no indignity in letting those who care about them take care of them when they need. And even if they have less need, the fact that someone remembers them means everything. Sadly though, greed exists and money can corrupt. And poverty combined with jealousy can bring out the worst in people.   Again, how to manage it? Try to see the difference between those who just enjoy that family-thing and those who are parasites and opportunists. Because yes there are those greedy users and abusers around, and every family seems to have a few. The more they get, the more they want. And try to educate them about the realities of your life and let them know that you also need to budget and live within your means just like they do.  

The following post The myth of the rich foreigner from Australia wasis republished from Filipina Wives Blog