fightingthedarkness-blog1

[fightingthedarkness-blog1]

Chronic Hell(th)

So.... I didn't know if I’d keep this going.

I am. For me. Because I need to vent......

My health SUCKS. “Officially” diagnosed with migraines at 17, which is 10 years ago. Suffered from them for 5 years before that. Always had “bad periods” per my ob-gyn... diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis this year. Doctor said that I've probably had it since I was a teenager because of how much scar tissue was in me.

They start me on a drug called Lupron to medically induce menopause... and it has been HELL. Got my first injection on a Friday. Go to work Monday... by 10AM I’m having such severe chest pains I’m convinced it’s the big one (mind you, I’m an EMT.... I don’t take things lightly). I end up leaving work early to go to the ER and after 2 hours am told “your EKG is weird but that’s just you, you’re fine. Go home.”

I get home, start vomiting non stop. Go to my PCP the next morning, he says that every patient he’s ever had on lupron has had these side effects and it depends on the person if they stay or go. My ob-gyn still hasn’t called me back. I just ate my first real meal last night (Saturday, 1 week and 1 day after injection, 5 days after the vomiting started). I’ve been living on protein drinks, soup, and rice. Refusing to eat while I’m at work for the fear of throwing up.

Work is about ready to fire me because I had 2 consecutive UNPAID weeks off for my surgery, then have had multiple call outs due to the devil drug.

My mental health is spiraling.

[fightingthedarkness-blog1]

Part four: better now?

After hitting bottom so many times I didn’t think there was anything better to me. I kept taking overtime shifts at work, letting myself get sicker and sicker with my migraines. By this point I had been admitted in the hospital due to complications with spinal taps twice, or three times.. honestly I’ve lost count. Been in the Er so many times I couldn’t tell you.

One day while at work things changed a lot because my company announced they were merging with a neighboring company. I wasn’t very happy because I had to go to that station, where I didn’t know basically anyone, for the overnight portion of my shifts from now on. On my first shift though, I saw a guy who was cute.

Then I started working with him when my partner left. And I got to know him. And I fell in love with him. And now we’re engaged.

He makes my anxiety disappear when I’m with him. He makes me feel like I have no cares in the world. Yes, we have our problems, but I wouldn’t change our whirlwind romance for anything. I fell in love with him the moment we started talking. I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with him on our first date. I was sure of it when I heard him say I love you for the first time. As much as we may argue and have our issues, because anxiety and depression do that in relationships, I will fight for him.

I started therapy again. I started medication again. I’m now back to seeing a therapist once a month. I see the psychologist once every 3 months. If my meds need changed my therapist can request to change them if my appointment is too far out. I’m still working on me. There’s never a day I don’t work on myself.

I recently got diagnosed with endometriosis on top of my chronic migraines. Dealing with that has been a struggle. Having a laparoscopy was difficult, and the healing process has been difficult as well. I thought I would be up and better the next day, and I was wrong. It’s been 3 weeks today and I’m still in pain at times, along with fighting a 4 day migraine.

Anxiety, depression, chronic pain, chronic illness... they all take a toll on us. But they aren’t the end. None of us are alone in this journey. I didn’t write this blog to brag about what I’ve overcome. I wrote this to say hey, I’ve dealt with some shit... and you can too. And if you ever need an ear... I’m here. I’m part of a pretty awesome Facebook group that deals with mental health and if you’re interested in joining us, reach out. We’d love to have you. If you’re from the group, thanks for reading my story! I’m not looking for pity. I’m hoping that sharing my story may help someone, anyone, one person.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Don’t give up hope. Good things DO happen. Sometimes life just kicks you back down again. Keep your head up, pray, send good vibes, whatever you do. I’m on your side. We all are!

Your story isn’t over yet.

<3

[fightingthedarkness-blog1]

Part three: digging deeper

After breaking off my engagement, I began living on my own for the first time ever. Being alone gave me a lot of time to be with my thoughts and it wasn’t very healthy. I had already started my first antidepressant at this time due to my chronic migraines, but I wasn’t ready to admit I was depressed. I joined the fire department with my dad and put a lot of my energy in to that. I fell in love with it and threw myself into it. Lost a lot of sleep for calls in the middle of the night. And started dating a fireman... who just wasn’t right for me.

He was controlling, manipulative, and my father tried to warn me. We lasted a little over a year before his words became physical. And then he began to threaten me. When he followed me out with my friends during a fight we had, and stormed in to the bar calling me names and threatening to burn my house down, I called my dad to meet me at my house and kick him out. He then tourmented me for months, attempting to get me kicked out of the fire department. Unfortunately, he became one of my senior officers and I had to be around him and take orders from him on fire calls. After this, he tried to ruin many friendships for me. My best friend at the fire department was between who’s “side” she should take. She was never faithful to me, always going back to him. Her story of when we stopped being friends comes later.

I began working at the local ambulance service after we broke up, and one of my friends from emt school worked there with me. We were inseparable, but she also wasn’t the best influence on me. She also had her demons, and I always tried being there for her, but she constantly drug me down. Any time she was down I would try to pull her up, but she would end up getting me to go out to bars and party and make bad decisions. I went through a bad partying phase with her, spending every weekend drinking from mid afternoon Saturday until the early hours of the morning Sunday. I would pay for it until Monday or Tuesday with a hangover from hell, just to go back to work on Wednesday. All of that changed when I met my current fiancé... but we will get there.

In between there were a few guys but one who really burned me. We met from a mutual friend, he seemed as nice as could be. A firefighter. An emt. A dispatcher. Had a daughter, who’s mother was no longer in the picture, a very messy story. Separated from his wife, divorce started. We hit it off, spent a lot of time together. I met his daughter, she loved me and I loved her. But it was always odd... he never asked me to stay at his house. Until Thanksgiving came... and he got tagged on Facebook saying his “soon to be ex-wife” was pregnant. I was floored. Sick. I took a screen shot immediately and sent it to him. He sent me a message back and said “we need to talk.” He wanted to stay with me. And raise a child with her. I laughed in his face. He got her pregnant the first week we were together. I blocked his number. Blocked him on Facebook. And have never looked back.

I fell into such a dark hole, I started self harming again. The pain was more real than it ever had been. I finally decided to seek help. I went to therapy and admitted I was depressed. After being diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, given new antidepressants and anti anxiety medication, and beginning talk therapy, I figured I was good to go! But then, my therapist started blaming me for all of my issues. Saying things that went wrong in my life were my fault. I couldn’t see that therapist anymore. And the psychiatrist wouldn’t treat me without the therapist. So, no more therapy. They had upped me to a scarily high dose of 200mg of Zoloft daily, along with a daily allotted dose of 3mg of Xanax. I told them I was just feeling worse and worse and they kept upping the Zoloft. I truly felt awful. Every day I felt less and less like myself. More like a zombie. Until it finally snapped. I don’t want to live. I want to die. That day, I quit Zoloft cold turkey. I began self harming again. But luckily I had a few great friends to get me out of that hole and back on my feet. I didn’t need to feel that way. I was going to be okay, it would take time, but I would be okay.

[fightingthedarkness-blog1]

Part two: filling a hole

During high school I was always kind of an awkward person. Music was my “thing”. I went to far too many concerts, more than I can count. But it was my escape. That, and my grandma’s house. I called her Neno.

See, when I was growing up my parents worked A LOT. I’m an only child and they wanted me to have everything I wanted and needed. So I spent a lot of time with my mom’s parents. Neno and pappy were my favorite people in the world. When I was a junior in high school, in 2008, Parkinson’s disease took pappy from us. He spent a very difficult two weeks in the hospital, forgetting who we were and slowly losing organ function. I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to him because it was too hard for me to see him like that. So, I started spending a lot more time with Neno. Constantly staying at her house, baking, quilting, shopping... she was my best friend and confidant. I could tell her anything and not be judged. She accepted everyone. ...and then I met a boy. My first boyfriend. We got really serious. ...then Neno unexpectedly passed away in 2011. It rocked my world. I became so depressed. I never realized how dependent I was on her. I had always had anxiety, but she helped me through it. Without her I was lost... there was a hole inside of me that I immediately tried to fill with my boyfriend who I had been with for about a month, who she never even met yet because I was spending all of my time with him. I hated myself. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I spend more time with her? I didn’t get to say goodbye?! Why did God take her from me?! I questioned everything, I questioned God. My life crumbled around me. My relationship was a secret because he had been a supervisor at my job, so when we decided to go public, I had to quit. I had no job. I lost my support system. I never had a great relationship with my parents... so I leaned on him.

We stayed together for 3 years. He proposed, and I accepted. My other grandma passed away and I was given the house. We fixed it up and moved in... and then our problems started. He had always been a bit controlling, talked to me in a way I didn’t appreciate, didn’t understand that I was going through a depressive state, didn’t listen well when I had problems... drank a little too much when he was with his friends... I ended up getting my old job back because he switched locations. We went out with a bunch of old work friends one night when I got off. I got home to change, and he was drunk. He insisted on driving, and I was terrified. We got to the restaurant/bar, and all of our friends knew something was wrong. My friends and I closed our store on Thursday’s and always would come to the same restaurant every week, so we had the same waiter. My then fiancé was so rude to him, bossing him around, and embarrassing us all. He kept calling me names the entire night when I was trying to calm him down and tell him he had enough to drink, and to settle down. When the waiter cut him off, he caused a scene, flipped out and left the restaurant, with me still there with no way home. He spilled his beer all over me when he left, I immediately ran into the bathroom crying. Who was this monster? Who had I devoted my life to? My depression was spiraling out of control again and the pit in my stomach was back. And that’s when I felt it for the first time... “I want to die.”

Our waiter closed up and consoles me, while I waited for a ride. My ex never came home that night. The next day, I told him I thought about killing my self the night prior, and because of that, the mental abuse he put me through, I couldn’t be in this relationship anymore. I left the house, told him to have his things out by Sunday, and left for a few days. He tried following me and I hid with some friends at my fire hall, where I was a member. I was scared, because he was so angry, I didn’t know what he was going to do. I slept there for 2 days until I knew he was out of my house, and when I went back he had trashed the entire place. Stolen from me, broken things that belonged to me.

My friends helped me move the rest of my belongings from my parents house so I at least had a bed to sleep on, and I slowly got more things to fill my house. My first relationship ended in a horrible way. Finding out he was also cheating on me with a girl he got pregnant. That was my first encounter with mental abuse, my first feeling of suicidal thoughts, and my first real low point.

[fightingthedarkness-blog1]

Number One: Introduction.

*Disclaimer: I am not giving any medical advice on this blog. These are simply my opinions and my experiences. Please see a health care provider before starting, stopping, decreasing, or increasing any medication you may be on.*

A few weeks ago, one of my friends encouraged me to start a blog. She told me I should get into public speaking about depression, anxiety, and mental health awareness... but I get too anxious when I speak publicly unless I know everyone I am speaking to. So, here I am.

My name is Amanda, I’m a week shy of turning 27 years old, and I suffer from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety (mental health wise - I have other medical conditions that affect my mental health as well.. but we will touch on that at a later date). I’ve had anxiety for most of my life, but the depression kicked in tremendously after my grandmother passed away in 2011. The reason I want to do this is to help with the stigma surrounding mental health issues. So many people feel like it is wrong to ask for help because of the reputation that follows “mental illnesses” and think they are a flaw. When really, our mental health is something that is out of our hands. It is something that is a chemical imbalance in our brains, and when we have an outside force that triggers an emotional response we have an outburst of our feelings that we aren’t great at coping with. Some of us are much better than others (I know that I still have a lot to work on, even with seeing a therapist monthly and my medication). I’ve pushed away many friends, some family... really a lot of people that I have cared about; but I have also realized who really is here for me and who I can really count on. Not everyone is as understanding and supportive as they say they are. I used to be an open book, now I tend to stay closed... but I am sharing my story to hopefully be able to help at least one person from making the same mistakes that I made.

This post is my introductory post to you all, whoever comes upon this, whoever I share this with. An introduction to my journey of what I went through with my struggles from the ages of 19 to 27. Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, abusive relationships, hating myself, being at a point where I truly wanted to die... and now here I am. Back to a point where I love myself again. I fight every day through the anxiety, I work with my therapist through the darkness, and bring it to light. Through many medications, through many health problems, I survived and so can you.

I got a tattoo a few years ago which serves as my reminder to keep going, on my wrist for the world to see. “1 Peter 5;7″ yes, a semicolon instead of a colon, for anyone who knows the significance of the semicolon. “Where a sentence is supposed to stop, but the author pauses, then keeps going.” My life paused, but kept going, instead of me giving up.

Strength is in numbers, and you are never alone. There are many outlets if you are hurting, if you need someone to talk to, if you are in a dark place. Let’s break the stigma, let’s help each other, and raise each other up.

Until next time. 

-Amanda