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fiftyshadesofdelinquent · 8 years ago

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addict | giraffeemeansalottome

giraffeemeansalottome:

Someone did not just seem him take that. He really hopes they didn’t see him take that.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman

Kellan stopped mid-stride in the hallway upon seeing Kennex popping the pills in his mouth. She knew he had been taking pills - but she’d never seen him take any; especially ones that looked similar to those on the Black Market. She’d never been into the drug scene - but she knew a few kids from her placements who were.

Hiding any emotions that may be on her face (surprise, shock, disbelief even after his own words about ‘keeping off that shit’), the teenager pretended as if she was just heading toward him now.

"Hey, are you all set?" she asked with a fake smile, as her brown eyes glanced quickly to his pocket before returning to his face.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John catches something off in Kellan’s voice as she comes up to him and turns to face her as he slips a container into his pocket. He catches her eyes following the motion and stops. Christ. Not a good sign for anything. He studies her silently for a moment, trying to figure out what she was doing a damn good job of hiding. That might have just been curiosity.

Hoping that that’s true John drops the container into his pocket and grabs his jacket, “Ya, all set.”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan’s eyes remained fixed on the now slight bulge in his pocket now containing the pill container as he grabs his jacket. “Cool,” she nodded, looking back up and nodding- ignoring the look in his eyes.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John catches her studying his pocket and takes a deep breath. Just great. It’s a bit hard to ignore now that she’s being short with him, but maybe she’ll forget about what she say, or he things she saw. Kellan’s smart though, he doubts that. Pulling on his jacket he starts to walk towards her, “Then what are we waiting for?”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan hears John letting out a deep breath. Does he know she’s seen him with those pills? Probably. He’s been able to read her since the day they met - not something she’s thankful for at times when she doesn’t want him to see something’s up, but also handy when she doesn’t know how to bring up something.

"Nothing at all," she replies, as she meets his eyes. "So, where exactly are we going? You didn’t say."

What are you doing with that crap, John?

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"You’ll see, let’s go."

John catches a look her eyes, and that pretty much confirms she saw. Great, explaining definitely was not what he was going for but better then leaving her wondering (probably). He could come up with a cover if she started asking (maybe). The whole reading each other thing didn’t go one way.

Avoiding that question.

Still, he waits until they’re out of the building before he looks over at her, “You’ve got a question, shoot.”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

"Lead on,"

Kellan followed John, but kept her head down as they made their way toward the exit. Her eyes often darted to the pocket the container had been put in; her mind trying to come up with a viable reason he would be taking it’s contents. As they exited the building, Kellan shivered and pulled her jacket close about her as the coolness of the evening made itself known.

At John’s question, the teenager was pulled out of her thoughts as she snaps her head up. Licking her lips unconsciously, she turned her head down and shrugged. “It’s nothing… Just haven’t seen you taking any meds lately - Just assumed you didn’t really need them anymore was all.” she looked up and tilted her head.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John let out a soft huff at her question. At least there’s a half true answer to that, the way she worded it. He tries to look relaxed, that he’s not trying to totally steer clear of it, but who knows if it’s actually working.

"Not for the same thing." Ya, he’d had pain meds for a while before the damn leg started functioning the way it should. Things weren’t exactly any easier though and it was a damn miracle a shrink hadn’t dropped that prescription on him.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan nodded. A half-truth. She guessed it was better than nothing.

"Those aren’t the type of pills you get over the counter, John." she spoke quietly, as she turned her gaze away form him.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"Kellan…"

Of course she knew that, he wasn’t really surprised. But damn did she have to question it?

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

"No, I get it." she said turning back to him. "It’s none of my business. Just please don’t lie to me, John, and pretend it’s nothing." She shook her head. "I’ve had enough of Alex’s bullshit to last a lifetime.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"I’m not saying it’s nothing,” he snapped stopping and glancing over at her. Forcing himself to take a deep breath and turn away John cursed softly under his breath for blowing up at her, and admitting that. No way she was dropping it now. “And for the love of god don’t compare me to that no-good brother of yours.” If he wasn’t pissed he’d have thought further before insulting Alex.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan looked like she had been slapped; her jaw tightened and her posture became rigid. “Why not compare you to him right now? ‘Coz at the moment your acting exactly like he did,” she shot back. “And the fact it takes you getting pissed at me just so that you can confirm your on that crap? -” she shook her head as if she had just come to a realization. “- You’ve changed, John.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"Never said I hadn’t. You’ve just been living in your own little damn world where nothing’s changed when really everything has.” He clenched is jaw, breathing slowly through his nose for a few moments. “I’m here, I’m helping you. I always have been here for you. How the hell does that make me like him? I’m not running.” He’s trying to deal with the hell his life’s become.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan flinched at the rebuke. “Not for the past two years when I needed you to be.” She replied with a hint of an unknown emotion leaking into her tone.

"You think my life was fucked up before you got put into that coma - it was nothing compared to what happened after.” she laughed bitterly. “First, I get sent away to the shit end of nowhere by the bitch of a so-called social worker all because I forgot to go home one night after seeing you. Then, Alex gets sent half way across the state and says he’s through with me - and then she decides to get back in touch as if the past seven years had never happened.” She shook her head. “So forgive me - if I put too much faith in you being the same old Detective Kennex.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"It’s not like I had a choice.” His face darkens slightly and he studies Kellan, trying to decipher how she’s feeling.

John huffed in response. “You had people. Doesn’t matter how fucked the relationships went. You had people. What did I come back to? Nothing. Whatever friends I had were on the force, and those that were still alive treated me the same as every other damn detective. Couldn’t risk walking into the Precinct without risking even better reason for me never to get my life back.” ‘Return to service, never’ John forced himself to stop, take a few deep breaths. Because that job, his partner, that had been just about as stable as life had felt. “So don’t make this about you and your fucked, lacking relationships. Not the only one.”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

"You didn’t have anyone?” She laughed. “What am I? Just a sympathy case you decided to pick up and couldn’t get rid of, is that it?” She waved her hands around, as she felt tears begin to build. She refused to let them fall. “You were my family, Kennex - You still are, even if that doesn’t matter to you.”

She swallowed. “I know you didn’t have a choice. It’s your job.” as she listened to him, she closed her eyes and harshly brushed the back of her sleeve across them. She hadn’t cried since she was fourteen - she wasn’t going to start now; especially if it showed weakness. She wouldn’t show that to him. “And you are getting your life back - you have. The fact you didn’t decide to take whatever crap a shrink may or may not have said to you - or about you - proves that.” She shook her head. “I know you’ve changed… I was just hoping there was still apart of the old John in there - was I wrong?”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"You weren’t… Goddammit, you couldn’t ever be a no-one. I tried to give you something I never had. And hell I thought I’d succeeded. So I’m so sorry if figuring out my own goddamn life was the key part when I woke up to this, instead of finding you.” John forced himself to stop for a second, he saw what this was doing to Kellan but he wasn’t going to keep defending his choices to everyone, especially not one of the few people that actually meant something to him.

He runs a hand through his hair. Does it mean anything that he doesn’t actually know? Maybe there is, maybe there’s one of the better parts about him. Hell, there’s the small fact he still cares no matter how convoluted sharing that had become. Sure he’s getting a life back but it’s not his no matter what people are trying to say in that regard. He leaves the hand in his hair and looks up at the sky for a moment, letting out a soft sigh. He doesn’t know.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

"I-I’m sorry." She said, folding her arms across her chest and looking toward the ground. "Y-you’re right. Figuring yourself out was- is- more important than my shit. You don’t need it. I’m just so used to relying on you - I just… I forgot that it worked both ways; you were the responsible adult who kicked me into straight street, and I was the one with the issues. I guess now it’s the other way around” she said quietly.

She sighed. “You know I’m here… If you- you know - need to let rip… I’m not the same as the people you work with - or Sandra… but the giving thing works both ways.” she shrugged, feeling slightly awkward in this new territory of understanding (well, she was beginning to - she hoped, though the drugs thing was still something she was trying to figure out in this new picture). “I’m sorry for going on like nothing’s happened. I just - didn’t want to treat you differently… I figured you were having enough of it as was. And, I know… what you’ve done for me - you know i’ll always be thankful to you for that.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John sighed again. He’d meant to do something fun. Do something to get the both of their minds off everything. Instead they’ve ended up arguing, over this of all things. John feels himself crack slightly, and dammit he’s not doing this. He’s not going to do this. He took a deep breath, glancing around a spotting a bench to take a seat on. Dropping onto it he shook his head. “I don’t…” He looked up at her, “Let’s not do that. Not one of us is worse of then the other. We both have our issues, ya? Let’s not…” He’s sick of being the ‘one-who-needs-help’. Maybe he does, but that doesn’t mean much. He’s not the special one. He just wants to be done with this, not that that’s happening.

"Ya, that’s…" It is thoughtful. He does appreciate it. He nods slightly, running a hand over his face

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan steps lightly over and takes a hesitant seat beside him. If she hadn’t seen that stupid canister they’d be wherever John was planning on going - instead, they were here. Slowly shuffling across so that there is a hair’s breadth between them, she looks around. It’s a nice place, would probably be even more beautiful during the day.

"When did you start taking the pills?" she whispered. She wasn’t being judgmental, just curious. Baby steps. The topic of her question was the reason this started, so it may as well be finished. ".. Was it your leg?"

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John sighs softly, because he really wishes it were that simple. Easier to explain, easier to fix. If it was that maybe he’d have a shot of getting his life back without it. Of course not, not a single damn thing was going to make his life easy. He clasps his hands in front of him and stares off into space. He’s not surprised she’s asking, really she’s got almost every right to do so. Doesn’t make much difference anyways, he’s still not one for explaining the why. The when’s pretty easy at least. “Pretty much when I got out,” he says softly, gaze flicking over to her for a second before looking out in front of them again.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan brings her legs up in order to wrap her arms around them; her brown eyes watching John’s profile - he looked so… weary. Wearier than she’d ever seen.

"Out of the hospital?" she asked quietly, giving him a weak half-smile at his quick glance. "W-How long were you in for? After you woke up, I mean…" she corrected. Sandra hadn’t gone into details in her sparse phone calls - she’d only said that John had woken up and that he was having some issues with his memory.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John nods softly then shrugs. “No idea.” A good stretch of it was hazy between being on pain meds, the flurry of activity that he’d actually woken up, and a few other things. Not to mention the fact he wasn’t getting told what had happened so half the time he’d wake up from something expecting to see his partner waltzing into the room to see how he was doing. Sometimes he wonders if him being told earlier on would have been kinder.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

"But that’s - that was over… six months? … Didn’t anyone notice you were taking non-prescription meds?" she asked. She didn’t ask him why he started taking them - if he wanted to say, then he would; he always did. "I can’t be the first person to know about this.."

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John shrugged. Maybe someone did, but they sure as hell didn’t bother to bring it up. Really if they had it was anyone’s job to report it to the Captain, get him to lose his job. He doubts enough people have the compassion to disregard it so he can keep that. Seeing as it is almost the only thing keeping him sane a good part of time. He stays silent for a few moments. Eventually he just says “maybe” softly.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan moved her eyes away from him to look ahead. “Okay,” she replied quietly. She nodded, her chin bouncing lightly against her bent knees. “… D-do they help?” she asked after a pause, allowing the night sounds fill the silence between them. It wasn’t a question she’d ever thought to be asking anyone about black market pills - but then again, a short time ago, she and John were headed off somewhere that certainly was not a park bench.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

Slightly surprised she was asking that question John looked over at Kellan and studied her for a minute. She doesn’t seem critical, just sincerely curious. He looks back down at his hands and flexes his fingers while he studies them for a few moments. Since they’re on the track of being honest, and considering he’d blown up at her she deserved it, he said softly, “Ya. With some things.”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Nodding silently, the teenager absentmindedly began to rub her hands up and down her jean clad legs. “You know… you can’t rely on them forever… right?” she asked softly, not looking at him as she spoke. “At some point… you’re going to have to stop.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John nods slightly and looks further away from Kellan. Ya, he knows that, he does. Things are hard enough as is with them, so he doesn’t want to consider how much worse it’ll all seem when he does. He’s silent for nearly a minute before saying softly, “I know…”

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan turned to him, hearing his softly spoken reply. “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize something was wrong earlier (or for pretending there wasn’t)… And I know, that when you do - give ‘em up… It’s going to be shitty…”

She turned back to her unfocused gaze. “But I’m not going to run just because your pissed with something beyond your control.” she said in a stronger voice than was previously used. “I mean’t what I said before about you being family… Even if we are both just as dysfunctional as each other.”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John smiles faintly. Family, dysfunctional, ya that about sums it up. They are family, something like that at least. He’s glad she’s on the same boat as him on that, even though it dumps more on both of them.

"Nothing you could do about it," he says softly, lacing his fingers together, "Not much anyone can do." He shakes his head, "So thanks, at least for stickin’ around."

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan closes her eyes as a silence between them falls after her words. When John does speak again, she swallows at his words that nothing could be done. The only way for John to make it through, was for him to work the pills out on his own. She knew that could take some time - for all she knew, he might never stop; some readjustment was needed in boundaries created when both were different people. If readjustment worked, then hopefully things would - in some sense, be okay.

"Did you ever doubt I would?" she asked, "Even after all the crap I put you through? John, you know me better than that," she turned and gave him a weak smile to know the latter part was meant partly in jest. "Besides, I’d miss annoying you - it’s one of the highlight’s of my day… even if it’s not done in person," she smirked weakly, in reference to some text messages the teenager had sent in the past while in fits of boredom either at school or in placement.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John huffs slightly and shakes his head. He has to admit that no, he actually didn’t. One of the few things he hasn’t found himself wondering about. It’s been pretty clear from the start that so long as they were functioning they’d be around for the other. Maybe he’d fallen a bit short on that for a while but things are going back to normal. Well, new normal.

"You do realize being bombarded by texts is a right pain in the ass?” he asks, recognizing the jest and responding in kind. He straightens up slightly, rolling his shoulders back before leaning against the bench and looking over at her, studying Kellan for a moment. “That crap goes both ways, surprised you stuck around long enough to see through it in the first place.” Alright, he just let slip a bit more then he meant to.

+ fiftyshadesofhuman:

Kellan had the grace to look, marginally, guilty at his comment about the texts being a pain in the ass. It had been amusing recieving some of the replies he had sent in return; some had brought a smile to her face during a shitty afternoon, while others had her rolling her eyes - in jest or exasperation. She still wasn’t sure how the pair’s relationship had changed from a cop keeping an eye on a young delinquent - to an almost sibling/parent like cameraderie the teenager had started to rely back on; especially after her short stay with him. Whatever the reason may have been, she was secretly glad for it; even if she wouldn’t tell John that.

Resting her head sideways on her knees, the teenager watched as the Detective sat back with a roll of his shoulders; leaning back against the cold mix of metal and slightly wet wood from the rain earlier in the day. His eyes studied her for a moment - what he was looking for she didn’t know, but she let him do so; it wasn’t the piercing look he used to offer during the earlier years of knowing eachother that would cause even the most dangerous of criminal to squirm, it was something else, something.. deeper? she didn’t know.

As the next words left the older man’s mouth, the teenager raised her head and frowned slightly. ”Why wouldn’t I? Like you said, stuff works both ways… You’ve had years of teenage angst and put up with it for reasons I don’t even know, and you still stuck around.” she shrugged as if she didn’t understand the problem.

"… Don’t you think it’s only fair the moment you have a bump in the road I stick around too? I mean, isn’t that what family does?" she asked, genuinely curious, not having had much experience around normal familie

s. “They stick around even when they don’t necessarily have a reason to; they… believe in you when no one else does, or will?”

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"That’s more…" He paused for a second. Ya, more normal was one way of putting it but he doubted that would mean a damn thing to her. That was the thing though. Those things more people understood, could understand. People wanted to keep others from losing something whereas the didn’t get it. Few people were at fault for the deaths of others. “Never mind.” He sighs softly and shakes his head.

Kellan, as per a lot of times, has a point. Family defends one another, helps them through the rough parts. But hell, this wasn’t normal. And a bump in the road was putting it a bit mildly too, it was more then that. It was a drastic turn in direction. “One way of lookin’ at it.”

+ fiftyshadesofdelinquent:

"I know it’s a bit simplistic, okay?" Kellan shrugged, as she turned her head back so that her gaze landed on a patch of wet grass. "But it’s the best way I can put it…"

Normality wasn’t something she could claim to know a whole lot about. Hell, the short placement with the detective was probably the only time things had been normal for her since before her mother had left. But, even if normality was a foriegn country - she had meant what she had said. She’d stayed because she cared; even if, originally, she had fought a then- Officer Kennex - for all she was worth when she had first been put into the system.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John nodded slightly. That is true. It’s, it’s easier then actually having to figure out what everything meant, what all had changed. It’s not like either of them were really a good example of normal growing up. He’ll admit that he was closer then Kellan ever had been, but he still couldn’t claim to have accomplished that state.

"I’m not saying I disagree with you. Just, it’s strange knowin’ that it’s true."

+ fiftyshadesofdelinquent:

Kellan frowned, turning back to him slightly. He had at least a better experience than she had with families; two loving parents who had encouraged him - and even after his father had died, his mom had still stuck around. The idea that her words held some truth surprised her a little if she were being honest.

She’d known when he’d stuck around - despite her attempts to push him away - that he cared. He hadn’t corrected her when she had referred to them as being a ‘dysfunctional family’; and the idea he reciprocated the feeling both terrified and elated her. She didn’t want to lose him; the coma and her actions following it had proven that the detective’s influence had been keeping her together through the crap after Alex’s arrest and their separation. Admitting that in a roundabout way by calling him family - made that realization all the more real.

"Yeah… I guess it is," she admitted softly.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

"Don’t have to sound so surprised I agree with you."

He gets where it’s coming from. He had a good solid family, one that was really there for each other through everything. They’d been through their fair share of issues. Parts of it had fallen through after his fathers death but some of them had stuck around. Mainly his mother who’d he’d been doing a terrible job of talking with (because she wanted to talk not just interact).

John shifts slightly to look at Kellan for a second then against what felt like his better judgement shifted slightly and threw an arm around her.

"Quite the pair we make isn’t it."

+ fiftyshadesofdelinquent:

Kellan ducked her head at John’s comment. No, she supposed she shouldn’t be-especially after the road that made up the pair’s history. The feeling of an arm coming to rest across the back of her shoulders, caused her to stiffen for a moment instinctively before she relaxed. She hadn’t gotten used to the act, even when she had stayed with him. They didn’t really do the touchy-feely stuff; but it felt comforting nevertheless.

"Seriously?" she mused, as she let her shoulder rest in the crook of his underarm, while settling into the half embrace. "They could probably write a book on our combined issues," she replied with a tone of seriousness. Her eyes however, gave a spark of amusement.

+ giraffeemeansalottome:

John smiles softly and nods, “Ya, something like that. Bet the whole damn world or somethin’ would watch.” The thoughts kind of unsettling seeing as he’s gotten more then enough attention as is. He glances around and shifts to be ready to stand up, “What do you say to getting around to what I had planned for us?” Not that they resolved anything, but maybe knowing Kellan knows will make stopping easier when he gets there.

+ fiftyshadesofdelinquent:

Kellan shifted uncomfortably at the comment about the world watching. The thought of people watching her life - it freaked her out. It had been back enough getting used to people looking aout for her in general after her brother. “That-that’s not so cool,” she said with a slight bite of ehr lip.

At John’s movements, Kellan released the hold on her knees so that her legs could slide down to the ground and regain feeling after being bent in the same position for so long. They hadn’t exactly resolved anything - but at least she knew the truth, and… other things had come to light that would take time to process about their new standings.

"S-sure," she answered softly, with a tentative smile as she looked to him. "Let’s do it." she nodded. This wasn’t over, but at least when John was eventually ready to stop.. she would help in any small way she could.

#giraffeemeansalottome #th: addict.#archived.#y: 2013/14

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