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waxing and waning

so much on my mind.

I'm thinking a lot about my future since my conversation with Asa in the park.

"in a few months we can try again, depending on where we are both at."

It's been bittersweet that the only reason I've felt motivated to push myself is because of Asa. I want to become the best version of myself, but it wasn't until I met him that I believed in myself enough to take the steps to better my life. On one hand, his ambition is infectious, and I do believe it rubs off on everyone, even whom who he isn't romantically involved with. With that, unfortunately I also think I've been deprived of affection for so long that I kind of didn't like myself enough to care to improve things.

And it's not that I'm depressed, because I am not. it's just a state of being content with things, even though they aren't ultimately where I want to be.

With all that being said, I do feel like he has changed my life for the better. I've learned a lot from him, and it's hard to be upset with things.

now I am just at a point where I'm not sure what to do.

I want him in my life, and I want a potential future with him. But I could also see myself dating other people.

I'm just going through the pros and cons now.

pros of keeping him in my life;

I get to spend time and talk to the person I have a crush on

He could potentially feel okay about the future soon and we could start officially dating

I love his family and friends

he is there for me

Getting to know him better as a person without the pressure of dating lurking over our heads

getting to not focus on dating because this will put me in a position where I am not looking for anyone else but focusing on myself// practicing not being a control freak

cons:

feeling insecure and undesirable

wasting time and missed potential other opportunities

feeling guilty every time I rely on him because I'm afraid of causing him stress, because that's what broke us up in the first place

what if he starts dating someone else

he may never be ready to date me

I am hotter than him and it's embarrassing to wait for him

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guys....... much to update on, it's actually embarrassing.

I know in my last post I said I was a lesbian lmao... not the case. Unfortunately I realized I am a (not) proud member of the bisexual community. This sucks for many reasons that I won't get into, but the biggest one being that it's corny. it's just so overdone, I wish that I could be something more original, or with stronger branding, but I digress.

Okay so the lesbian situation ship lasted like two weeks LMAO. and y'all I've learned so much in the past few months.

December 2024:

Sage breaks up with me out of nowhere; she has avoidant attachment (awesome) It's obvious we are deeply incompatible but somehow getting your heart broken by a woman hurts worse. I think it may be frankly because she is so beautiful. I still have dreams about her even months later.... anyway, luckily my family went on a trip to Europe for Christmas about 4 days after she broke up with me. I believe this fast tracked my moving on from her because this was my first time leaving the country and it was so mind warping in the best way. I came back from Europe in January feeling happy and confident.

January 2025:

guys I'm weak. I GOT CLOSE WITH SETH AGAIN. this fucking situation ship will be the death of me!! and it almost was.

February 2025:

Seth takes me out to a movie and dinner ON VALENTINES day. what the fuck are we doing here people !!!!!!!!????? idk I couldn't tell you. I have a generational crash out because I find out Seth went to New York and lied to me about it! it's a long ass story that I won't get into, but he lied to my face about going across the country, and I found out from this girl posting it on Facebook (ew) who is this girl? I still don't know. but this finally freed me from the shackles of this man and I saw him for who he truly is! surely I am freed from situation ships forever !!!!1!!! (she said walking into oncoming traffic)

March 2025:

an amazing month. I run into this beautiful man on campus (no seriously, he is beautiful) and decide to shoot my shot and slide into his instagram DMs. It worked !!!!!! we go out on our first date like three days later and he's awesome. He's smart, funny, attractive. All of the things I want. He shows a lot of interest in me, but not too much. We have great physical chemistry (something I am not used to after only dating gay people). and everything is just peachy. I have a crush !!

April 2025:

things continue to be great! I meet his friends, he meets mine. We mesh perfectly on big topics like religion (we both grew up mormon but no longer practice). He's great. I can really picture us together.

May 2025:

I just realized I never told you his name, lets say his name is...... Asa. yeah that isn't too obvious (if he ever found this he would be horrified). anyway, it gets to a point where something has to give. We really like each other but there is so much in the air. (for context we aren't officially dating at this point) But something has to be said, we haven't explicitly talked about our expectations with a relationship with each other specifically. We finally go on a walk and have the conversation.

This conversation was confusing. I'll tell you exactly what happened.

We sit down and he looks so nervous, like seriously shaking and he's about to cry. I basically have to pry it out of him.

"what's on your mind?'

"oh nothing much...."

"are you sure?'

"well i've been thinking a lot, like about us"

So we get into it. Band aid ripped off. lets spill all the beans. No longer nonchalant. He tells me that he really likes me. And he has always liked me since the moment he met me, but he doesn't think we should continue romantically.

Fuck.

I need to give hella context here. there is a lot hanging over our heads right now. Largely, Asa is an immigrant. He doesn't have citizenship yet. Asa has been able to stay here through student visas but now that he's graduated (which is an extesential crisis of it's own) he has to find a job that will sponsor his work visa. (oh the feminine urge to give him a green card marriage...) ((guys he really is THAT hot) anyway; I also don't know what I'm doing at any given moment. I am directionless, and I need to get back into school(you can tell by how bad my spelling is).

All of these issues and more, made Asa cripple under the stress of the future. He is so scared of carrying on our relationship because of the possibility of us breaking up. (so he just broke up with me anyway?) so confusing. But he doesn't want us to date other people, but he doesn't want to date me?

We talked for a few hours, he opened up to me about his last relationship (bad) and things started to make a little sense but not a lot.

The next day, we needed to talk again. I drove around in my car for 5.5 hours and I knew what I needed to do. Im in it all or nothing. No more situation ships for me. I deserve better than that, Why complicate things for no reason!

We talk and I tell him that I have spent way too much of my life waiting around and I am not going to do that again. I like him a lot and I'm willing to slow down the pace as much as he needs to. He tells me immediately that he got a job !!!?? (after letting me cry my eyes out to him for like 10 minutes)

I tell him that he cannot put me in a friend box, and we just need to take things one day at a time. I just can't help but feel like we still aren't on the same page though... more updates coming later.

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Hey guys lmao

So I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian at this moment. Things with Seth fizzled out rather peacefully, and I realized I didn’t like him all that much, and in reality we aren’t that compatible. I simply just wanted someone to like me. I just liked the idea of getting the guy that everyone wanted. I think I’m a rather competitive person, and that mixed with comp-het turned into a bad mix.

Anyway onto sexuality crisis!

Okay so I grew up in the Mormon church yall. That’s a whole other post. But if I came out my family would think it was gross and whatnot, so I’ve surpressed a lot of feelings for years. Until recently…..

I became good friends with a girl I went to high school with. We will say her name is Sage. Sage was a cheerleader whereas I was in the marching band. Something straight out of a Taylor swift music video or high school rom com. Anyway, we didn’t become friends until about 4 years ago I think. (I’ve been graduated for 6) After about a year of me pining I couldn’t deny my feelings for her anymore. We started flirting heavy and last month we kissed for the first time! And she told me she likes me !!! I really really really like her. I think I’m falling for her. :)

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Hey guys lots of updates for you so sit back and relax maybe grab a snack even

I’m just really frustrated and done. I’m mad, upset, confused, angry. I feel alot of emotions right now. Basically Seth just went to New York for a few days and I missed him so so bad but I didn’t want to be clingy so I just didn’t rlly talk to him while he was on his trip. Idk if that made me act a little too excited when he got home or not but honestly I feel like that doesn’t matter. I can tell he’s just annoyed by me now. I know he’s busy with school but he’s always going to be busy with something, probably for the rest of his life. I don’t care for the most part that’s why I have him to come over even if he’s just reading because I just like having him here. Me liking him too much has always been the problem. Maybe I made myself too available? Maybe I didn’t play the dating game correctly? Idk. He came over tonight and used me for his homework and then basically wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the night cause he was doing homework, which I understand. But then he said his contacts were drying out so he was gonna leave early. Whatever, I get it. I walk him to the door and extend my arms out for a hug- he just turns around and walks away. How pathetic. And might I add this isn’t the first time he’s done this? Why can’t he just be a man and kindly reject my fucking hug if he really is that bothered by physical touch? Oh but to walk away and ignore me like he is in middle school? Oh how pathetic.

The worst part is that I just know I have so much love to give to someone that actually deserves it. I shouldn’t repeatedly feel this horrible about myself and question my confidence and basically everything about myself. One day I will find someone who appreciates me.

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Also, Seth always calls me his best friend. We call each other that. He introduces me to people as that.

In the car ride I asked what his favorite romantic trope is. He says “best friends to lovers.” 😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐 bitch im right here

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Seth and I drove to my house last week for Christmas break; my family is here and Seth’s best friend lives here as well. It was SO FUN. Seriously a blast. Seth’s best friend Harry and his wife Renee are so much fun. It’s also a plus that every time we all hang out it’s basically a double date. Renee even made jokes about us being a couple. But alas, my situationship is still ever-fluctuating.

Here’s some tea to update you:

I went out on a few dates with a guy named Jesse. I actually ended up literally leaving Seth at a party to go hang out with this guy. Petty, i know, but Seth has shown zero commitment therefore I don’t have to listen to what he says. I really saw some potential with Jesse for a second so it was worth it to me to leave Seth to see this guy. In reality, I think I just liked the physical attention Jesse provided. It’s been hard not to feel unattractive while being alone with Seth so much, pining over him, and him not making a single move, physically.

Anywho- ever since I started this charade with Jesse, Seth has seemed really off. Almost depressed it seems like. He’s made a few off hand comments about me “not making a commitment.” Like excuse me sir, I was the one that told you I had feelings THREE times in the past five years, he should be well aware that if something between us is going to change, it’s going to have to be of his volition.

So. What do I do ?!!

Seth is my best friend in the world. I know his flaws in and out. I adore everything about him and I haven’t gotten sick of him after 5 freaking years !! I’m pining so hard after him I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I think about him all day every day. I trust him. He makes me laugh. He comforts me, cheers me up when I’m sad. He is my perfect match inside and out.

And I know we have chemistry. It’s obvious. We act like we’re married at this point, and he hasn’t shown any interest in dating anyone else. We have a relationship !! Everything about it SCREAMS relationship. Guys I can’t emphasize this enough. We do everything together. We also are pretty cuddly and flirty, but nothing crazy.

The only reason I can think of as to why we aren’t together is because of his view on relationships. He looks at everything so logically to a point that he can’t make any sort of decision that could logically end badly. In the past, he’s only dated girls that, if it ended badly, he could completely cut them off and not have to see or talk to them again. With me, he can’t do that. We either get married or he looses his best friend forever.

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Hello again

These are just some affirmations.

I want to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am being fought for. I want to feel like I am a priority. I want to feel like what I say matters. I want to watch what I want to watch. I want to cuddle. I want to kiss in the rain. I want to be texted out of the blue. I want things to remind you of me.

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Hey public diary-

Today I was having an IC flare up and Seth came over and we just had the funnest day !! Seth had a singing concert tonight and he did so good and I was feeling a lot better by the end kind of like at least not crying lol.

Having a chronic condition is so much more frustrating than I ever imagined. Last night all I felt was apparent broken glass inside of my bladder and I couldn’t hardly think. I want to be a go getter. I want to be passionately motivated. Maybe one day I will get this under control.

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Ew ew ew ew ew ew OKAY girl CHILL OUT BE COOL

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I AM TOO CLINGY ALL THE TIME AHHHHHHHH I want to scream into a pillow 😭😭

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I’m doing much better nowadays. Although I still feel it necessary to keep a public journal. I’m a serial over-sharer by nature, and I’d rather tell strangers in an attempt to escape judgement, as well as feeling like a burden to my friends.

So what’s been on my mind lately?

Mostly him if I’m being honest. Let’s call him Seth, for privacy reasons. Seth and I have been best friends for YEARS. But I’ve secretly loved him for a big chunk of these years, but sometimes I still fantasize of what would happen if he felt the same way. Are we truly compatible? Would I want to pursue a relationship with him? Would I be ready to marry him if so? None of these questions I have answers to yet.

For context, we grew up in an extremely religious Mormon community where the social norm is that you’re single, or you’re married. I don’t know many people that date long term. I’d like to think this pressure is what’s making him pull away from me every time we get close to dating, or at least what appears to be so from my point of view. You see, he doesn’t think or act like other boys. He isn’t driven by sexual or romantic urges. Seth is hyper-logical. Seth never spends money without reason, Seth is academic, and Seth is hard working. He does it by the books. Seth is as disciplined as the day is long. It’s one of the many things I like about him. Although, it is difficult for him to think more deeply about his relationships. Seth doesn’t know what he wants.

Because seth is so out of touch with romantic feelings and urges, he tends to lead lots of girls on. At the moment one of our friends is completely in love with him, she’s even moving to be close to him. It’s so obvious to me, but he doesn’t understand. I’ve tried to tell him that he should probably nip it in the bud, but he insists that it’s fine. This has happened multiple times. Everything is fine until one of his female friends falls for him and is convinced he is making all the moves, when in actuality he’s not into it AT ALL.

It bothers me. I still get jealous when other girls flirt with him. I want more than anything for us to just be official so I could have a valid reason to flick these girls off like bugs.

And I know what it sounds like to you. But between him and I it’s different. We are soulmates. Even if it’s not romantic, he is my other half. There is never a dull moment. We can’t seem to get rid of each other. He’s just as much obsessed with me as I am with him. We talk for hours every single day. We laugh. We cry. We cuddle. We eat together. We shop together. We travel together. It’s almost as if we are in a long term relationship. We have the emotional intimacy, just no labels, and no kissing.

I think at the end of the day we are two confused souls finding comfort in each other as we try and figure ourselves out within the constructs of religious pressure.

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I’m going to use this blog to scream into a void. I feel as though I bother my friends too much with my problems and it’s becoming tiring for them to listen to me being upset. I don’t want to become a burden to people. I want to be my best and happiest self, I feel as though this may help me work through things.

First things first. I’m realizing, as an adult, that I have severe abandonment issues. It’s horribly embarrassing to admit but I feel as though admitting this is a good place to start.

I’m thinking that this most likely came as a result of my parents. I didn’t grow up in a healthy environment at all. (Since no one here knows who I am I can finally share everything and not fear judgement) My father was horribly abusive. Constant yelling and screaming at everyone. Lots of memories of myself hiding in whatever dark hidden corner I could find as I tried to keep my sobs silent. Occasionally he would become physical, but nothing sexual thank goodness. He was the stereotypical deadbeat father. Owned guns and drove a truck. Republican, and definitely racist. My mom is a more complicated case. She got cancer not long after my dad left. She needed surgery and luckily she was able to have it and fully recover. She is now cancer free. Her and I got close after everything, and I’ve recently noticed it’s been too close. She makes comments about my body and weight that I constantly tell her not to. She tracks my location, and my bank statements. She tracks down everyone I interact with on social media and usually follows them or sends them a friend request. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

I’m not sure how to move forward and teach myself good habits but I’m hoping this blog will help me with accountability, as well as a way to document things.