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feverdrea-rabbithole · 2 years ago

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NottPun, that couple (who’re not exactly a couple) that showed a lot of nuances in less than an hour: attention seekers, maybe jealousy, secret crushes, fear, pressure and the need for allies (Episode 2)

Hi. Hello. It’s moonchild here. You guys can’t see but my brain is burning right now as a write this, with the amount of things I’m thinking and how messy everything is in here. Why is that happening, you may ask? War Of Y: New Ship second episode just dropped. And I have things to say about it.

I would like to say first that this episode was I-N-T-E-N-S-E and A LOT of things happened, whether they were on the nose or not, and also dropped LORE about what the hell is going on around NottPun, the type of relationship they have and how the industry is affecting them. Most of things that happened were a continuity of the themes I explained in my first post about them and others were a new highlight on things that were shown but not so much.

Second, I cannot stress this enough, the fact that we still don’t have the posts/comments/messages translated is a big hindrance to my full enjoyment of the story. I shouldn’t have to go out of my way to translate things so I can understand the meat of the story, and being susceptible of having the wrong translations and, by default, understand things wrong also. Luckily, even if the translations are a bit…off…because I know the context of their placement, is kinda easy to see what was said and how it affected and impacted the story.

Third, again, this episode was intense. Not because it shoved a lot of ugly things about the industry in our faces just like the first one did but because it went deeper into Pun’s inner life and struggles, his weaknesses and how everything he absorbs made him the man he is, with all that seemingly rude and diva like behavior. It also went into details about his dynamics with Nott and dropped more hints about how both of them may be exactly what the other need.

Because I need to be a responsible adult, I need to make my usual disclaimers before getting started: everything that you guys will be reading in this post is the result of my observations into very specific parts of the episode, frame by frame repetitive viewing and me getting to the most plausible conclusion after taking all in, meaning that most of the things will be on the speculative territory, others in (maybe) theory territory and some can (or so I think) be proven by in-dialogues and scenes arrangements, so take things with a grain of salt, ok?

I’ll try, albeit I may not managed to do that the way I want, to divide this post into segments to facilitate your understanding of my thought process, and those segments will follow the order of events presented in the episode, with things in bold being mostly dialogues and things in italic being me emphasizing or exaggerating my thoughts.

Contrary to what I did before, instead of talking about themes as a whole, I will discuss the events that transpired in the episode and try to tie them with the themes I identified in the first episode. And because there is continuity of themes in this episode, I will reference a few things that I wrote in my last post, but no need to worry about needing to read that post first because I will paraphrase when necessary. But after this, you can check it out, it was a blast writing that.

So, without further ado, let’s get this started.

1. Approval + attention + validation = a desire to exist within the industry

When I made the character profile of Pun in the previous post, I said that he gets a high in being adored and that he’s the type of person willing to do everything he can to get what he wants, and nothing showcases that better than him researching about the TTV’s producer that was going to visit the set where they were shooting Mafia Baby’s second season and using the information he got to “impress” the man and have a big chance of working with him.

Pun projects specific images of himself to certain people and he tries to sell the image that he deems best to a specific person. To the TTV producer, he tries to appear interested in his works, in the cast and crew’s well-being, in being nice and always willing to do his utmost best in the pursuit of doing a good job. To the crew and rest of the cast, he shows a distant and cold man, someone who’s above all of them and should have his desires granted as soon as they are vocalized or expressed. To his fans, he shows a sensitive and caring man, someone worth of being adored and taken care of, someone whom they can put their trust in and follow without an issue. None of those images are really what he is, his real personality.

We barely know who we really are and it can take years to have a glimpse of our real personality, what we really are on the inside and not what the world thinks about us. When the subject is famous people, this notion of not having knowledge of their real personality doubles because the person we see on screen can by anything and we only see what they want us to see, when they want us to see, and Pun is a good example of that. The way he seems to push away people behind the cameras but seems welcoming in front of them, the way he is nice to some but rude to others, the way he keeps some people close but push away others is a classic depiction of the volatility of the human personality and how someone can have “many faces” and we’ll never know which one is the real one.

Pun uses this volatility to fulfill some sort of “need” for approval and/or attention and that supposed need is more related to the industry itself and not him, as Pun. Between his real self and the personas he show the world there is a wall, and the images he projects act as a mask to hide what he thinks he should not be showing, who he really his, so he can survive in the industry and that surviving can only be attained through validation as the persona Pun, the actor, that in turn will become validation as Pun, the real person, the one almost no one knows about.

And so, he fights to get attention (from fans, from sponsors, from producers, pretty much anyone who can catapult him higher), then he fights to get approval (comments on social media, from producers, filming crew, etc.) and in the end he grabs any chance he can get to reach the validation he needs (awards and a more permanent stay in the industry) and continue to feed the personas he created to hide his real self.

2. Romantic jealousy versus Professional envy

One thing that I noticed (kinda late) is that it seems that we are getting the story mostly through Pun’s perspective, meaning that the only way we can get any glimpse of other character’s behavior and intentions is by analyzing the way they interact with Pun and the dialogues they have with him. Nott’s behavior, for instance, is the strongest indicator of this, being him the other main protagonist alongside Pun, making things a bit difficult to actually see because we need to take into account that Nott and Pun are two actors, doing their job, but they are also separate people, meaning that we shouldn’t only look at their attitudes together as a result of their professional relationship but also look into their personal relationship; and here is where things become murkier.

What we need to understand here first is that Nott also wants to maintain a foot in the industry, even if he doesn’t seem to go through almost extreme lengths like Pun to do that. And so, because he wants to secure his place, he also needs to catch attention of the producers that appear in his way, because we never know when luck struck and the opportunity comes knocking in our door. However, the only reaction we have from him in relation to the TTV’s producer visit to the set is annoyance; annoyance because Pun seemed too interested in getting Tai’s attention.

That annoyance begs the question, what is the reason Nott didn’t seem to like Tai’s presence that day, when what he should be doing was show that he could be a good addition to whatever project Tai may have?. One could argue that Nott was feeling threatened by Pun’s ability to charm producers and steal his opportunities but that falls flat when Nott did nothing himself to also grabs the producer’s attention and instead spent his time expressing his dissatisfaction of Pun’s behavior and telling Pun that it was enough that he was taking advantage of him, Pun shouldn’t do that to others, gaining a “how many people I decide to do it with is up to him” and “mind your own business” as a response from Pun.

With that, I know pose the question: is it really farfetched to think that Nott’s behavior stems from some sort of romantic jealousy, when the way he acted supports that? How much can we infer that his actions were of someone feeling that with Pun getting attention, his days on the industry were counted? Can we assume that Nott feels that his fame is attached to Pun and the fact that they are a shipped couple, so he is doing all he can to keep Pun by his side and, by proxy, his fame intact? Or can we view the little altercation in front of the ice machine, where Nott ate the ice put there specifically to Pun, and used the excuse that Pun gave the ice to others (by “others” here we understand TTV’s producer), so he also could have some, as an attitude who didn’t like that the object of his affection is showing interest in other people? When does Nott’s actions stop being of someone who supposedly likes Pun and becomes something a disgruntled partner would do?

How blurry are those two lines? Can we really consider the existence of them or there is only one, the romantic one, which can be ramified to other ones, using them as camouflage?

3. How social media warped our views and understanding of human relations

Social media, in theory, is a place that can unify large groups of people in one single place, connect people who wouldn’t otherwise have the chance to do so and reconnect long lost acquainted people after many years of contact lost. When we get to the real life, however, social media become a mine field, where everyone is playing mine sweeper and those who are unfortunate enough to step on mined tiles are used as cautionary tales as to what not to do in certain situations. Someday, we will all step on a mined tile, is inevitable.

In the industry, no matter which one, social media is used a metric of evaluation of authenticity of famous people relationship with each other and also as a big sized projection of individual ideas of how human relations should be and their boundaries. In the BL industry, the industry being scrutinized in this episode, the fans really like to use social media to dictate how their faves should behave towards other people, especially when in regards to the actors and their shipped couples.

If an actor X tweets something and their shipped couple does not reply, there is a problem. If actor Y posts something on Instagram and their shipped couple does not like the post, they clearly had a fight and don’t talk with each other. If actor Z does not post a story with their shipped couple, they hate each other. Social media became the only source of validation of authenticity of actors personal relationship with each other and anything that is not shown, any interaction that is not broadcasted, it simply does not exist and so can’t be used to prove that the actors don’t secretly hate each other and only tolerate the other because the work they have together demands them to.

And god forbids the actors have a “fight” or simply disagree with one another, it is definitive proof that they really don’t like each other, they are being forced to be together, and all the schmutz that is associated with fanservice (I will talk about that later).

Going into what happened between NottPun, it is a situation that even if it’s not good, can happen with anyone when they are simply not in the mood to that type of “joke”. Pun is not exactly a lively person and the chances of him being already in a bad mood are kinda high, so when he sees Nott eating his ice, he is not pleased. Then Nott starts doing a live without asking Pun, kisses him on the cheek without asking beforehand, irritating even more someone who’s already annoyed by him and the result was kinda obvious; it is was something being made between closed doors, probably it wouldn’t have being an issue but the fact that that specific event was broadcasted, thus creating a snowball that kept rolling downhill.

That snowball was created mainly through the comments and twitter posts (that international viewers did not had full access to) and for what I managed to gather in my scuffed translations, it went from saying that NottPun did not promoted/talked about the queer community to calling what happened between them during those few seconds clip a case of sexual harassment. And even after the tweet Pun made on Nott’s twitter account, explaining that what happened had mislead many people, that they pretend to tease each other like that and apologizing to Pun and his fans, things were already out of hand, with some not believing on the tweet, other asking how could he “blame the fans” (by saying that they misinterpreted the situation) and other just being a mixture of the earlier comments.

Things were ugly on the fan’s side of things. And were also getting ugly on NottPun’s side too.

[Side note here because even if this happened during the swarm of comments regarding the clip of them “fighting”, I feel like I need to talk about this now. I said in the last post that Pun seemed to recoil every time someone touched/tried to touch him except when the person doing the touching was his manager or Nott. When Nott pressed Pun on the glass, it was the second time in a row we saw him not feeling comfortable with Nott touching him and actively pushing him away, with the first being the situation that caused all of this mess. And, again because the comments that were plastered on screen during that scene were not translated, it gets a bit difficult to feel the tone of the scene but it is very telling that one of the comments mentioned “consent”, tying back with the other comment talking about sexual harassment.

I know it was not something random, because everything that happened so far wasn’t, so it has to mean something. Either being to sparkle conversation about boundaries between actors and what kind of touch they are allowed to do with each other, to show how we take our own conclusions when presented with a situation, even if it’s a very strong stretch, or a combination of both, we cannot deny that Nott touching Pun like that was a middle no-no, and Pun makes that clear by saying “if I didn’t tell you what to do (i.e. give you permission), you have no right (of doing what you did)”; that means that Nott only touches Pun because Pun allows him to and there are certain situations where Nott’s touch is not welcomed. And Nott, at least, understood that.]

Going back to the social media stuff, the fans seem to think that every aspect of a relationship must be broadcasted and when that does not happen, either there is something wrong or the relationship itself does not exist. And that way of thinking becomes toxic because it literally forces the actors to maintain a facade and post about every step they make, everything they do, just to prove to a bunch of people online that feel entitled to their entire lives just because they are famous, that the relationship that exists between them and their shipping partner is not strictly professional, that is not fake. And being obligated to maintain that facade, soon or later, can create strains in the relationship and, if something happens and the relation falls apart, someone people will use that as “proof” that they were right, when they were the reason the relationship failed in the first place.

4. Theory of easy replacement (i.e. Apparent lack of space within the industry/dispute between BL actors

The first theme that I identified in my post about episode 1 was that the industry makes it seem like there isn’t enough space to every BL actor to exist and that for every actor that rises in fame, other must fall to give them space. Pun’s seemingly need for attention/approval/validation can also stem from his fear of “being replaced” in the industry, and that is shown in two ways:

1 – Pun seeing Tai’s attention on GusBew is seeing here, through his perspective, as a threat to his goals of securing a role in any future project that Tai may have. After the scene where Tai is watching GusBew rehearse their scene, there is a tweet shown that basically says that the OP is feeling bored of the old couple (NottPun), because all they do is fanservice (hey, look fanservice being mentioned again!) but the new couple (GusBew) is the one they are secretly cheering for because they give a fresh, shy, happy look and also have good space (?) between them, maybe alluding to the sexual harassment and consent thing.

2 – That fear of being replaced, coupled with the pressure Pun was feeling because of the comments he was reading online were the reason he had his first panic attack while shooting for the love scene, which was not a coincidence. First we had Pun telling Nott that because they know each other for a good amount of time he did not need to like his posts on social media or do any other service (I’m still trying to understand the correlation between those two topics, so if anyone manages to get it, please comment so I can see) and to stay away from him, to which Nott reacted with some indignation, getting a “come on, do as I say” as a response from Pun. Then, we had Nott telling Pun to “do it for him” (meaning immerse himself in the scene for him), which led to them starting kissing and another swarm of non-translated comments appearing on screen, making critiques about the series (saying stuff like the ss2 is practically a porn movie, that the industry is setting the bar low with the series) and NottPun as a shipped couple (that they look awkward, that they are queerbaiting and doing all of that for the pink money), causing him to literally freak out and interrupt the scene so he could calm himself down.

3 – Listening to Tai say that he was actually eyeing him but if he (Pun) was going to be like that (have a panic attack every time he needed to shoot a love scene or some variation of that), he was not suitable for TV drama practically validated Pun’s fears of not being enough and the thinking that what he was doing was wrong, to justify why he was not getting the opportunities he wanted, despite working so hard to get them. He was losing his ground to other people and, clearly, it was his fault.

Pun knows that not everyone will have the same opportunities in life, that’s why he is willing to sacrifice a lot just to have his. But when things outside his control happen, and he is a very controlling person because the more control he has the least surprises he will have in the future, he does not compute fast enough a way out to either get the chance he lost back or run for another one, creating a loop of unfulfilled goals and more pressure over his head to sacrifice even more than before to get to the top.

5. Not so secret crushes

I know I said before that Nott likes Pun, or at least thinks about Pun as more than just friends, but the way his conversation with Pun in the changing room before the event really started to really highlight that there is something there, and that Pun knows about it or, at least, suspects it, really sold that idea for me.

On one side we have Pun asking Nott if he was not tired of having to make fanservice, implying that everything Nott does is just to please their fans and that Pun was tired himself of that. On the other, we have Nott being very careful with his words, saying that him liking Pun’s picture on social media, taking care of him, complimenting him, is all his doing, not some sort of “moral obligation”, and that Pun is “the one who knows best the reason he did what he did”, then asking if it was Pun who did all he did to service the fans. Granted, Nott could’ve been talking about the fact that because they know each other for a while, there is “friendship” formed between them and that Nott doing those things was just what a friend would do to another friend (whether it was a normal friendship or a friendship with benefits, it didn’t matter, as long as it was not in the guise of a professional relationship) but the way Pun’s face softened after those words made me think that he is at least a bit aware that what Nott does to him is not just because they are ��supposed” to do that for the fans, but because he genuinely liked him (as a friend or more).

When we entertain that idea, Pun drawing a line between him and Nott having sex off cam and what they do during shooting becomes something bigger than him just preventing his coworker to mix what he considers a time to relieve stress to work but Pun not wanting Nott to mix his romantic feelings into what they were doing and ending up ruining things in a way that would render their work almost unbearable.

I said in Nott’s character profile that he was an easy going guy, really approachable and friendlier, and in this episode we actually got to see that side of him again but he also seems to have a bit of difficulty controlling his actions when his feelings are bubbling very close to the surface, with him eating Pun’s ice just because Pun offered the ice to Tai, then being all lovey dovey in a very short live, then asking Pun to immerse himself on the kiss during shooting and then almost outright confessing his feelings out loud when Pun accused him of doing all he did just for fanservice. That inability could very much create so much tension between them that no amount of “workshop” could fix and, in the process, ruin Pun’s chance of growing in the industry.

However, the look Pun gave to Nott when Nott was helping him fix his jacket, honestly speaking, it was the look of a man letting the words he heard seconds ago really sink in inside of him, absorbing the implied meaning of them and letting himself being vulnerable for a few seconds before putting the mask back on. Pun did not wanted to believe Nott’s words, because he did not wanted to put his faith onto something that could very well be conditional and, if there is something Pun don’t want is to have people liking him conditionally, I mean really like him. He was scared of believing Nott, because the chances of Nott not being true to him were very high; and he could not control the outcome of that, so why bother trying.

And, if we really think that thought, couldn’t that also mean that Pun has some sort of feelings for Nott as well or, at least, is starting to develop some, right?

6. Industry Judas

How do we evaluate how much a piece of information costs? By the ability to create damage and chaos when release? By how long it has circulating around? By whom it affects and how high is the position of the person/people involved in the information? No matter what metric we use to do that, information is power and those who detain power, detain everything.

Between famous people, we all know that there are people close to them selling their information to news outlets in exchange of money or simply just to ruin the famous people lives. Sure, in some instances, the famous people themselves give that information and them pretend to have those same information “stolen” from them but without a way of proving that, the only thing we can assume is that someone close enough to them sold that information for whatever reason. And that’s exactly what happened in this episode; someone decided to personify Judas and “betray” the confidentiality that comes with private matter regarding what happen to actors during the shooting.

One thing would be people using NottPun’s public “fight” and the fact that none of them had been liking each other’s posts to assume that they are having problems between them (going back to the perception we have about the actors relationship through social media) but other thing entirely is the reporters asking if it was true that NottPun fought a lot behind the scenes and cause the shooting team to stop in the middle of the scene because that is not an inference based on what they saw online, it was a very specific question about something that actually happened and they were just asking for a confirmation of the fact. It was not a “so, what happened between you two that made Nott not like the last two posts from Pun?” but a “so, you guys had a fight that caused problems during shooting, right? And that’s the reason Nott hasn’t liked the last two posts from Pun. Can you guys confirm this?” which means that they were expecting for a good moment to just say that out loud.

And also, who the hell is the GossipXoxo’s account owner and how do they know so much about what happens in the shooting set or between NottPun? Seriously, I need to know.

7. Fanservice & personal expectations

I’ve waited since the day the trailer for New Ship came out to see what would be the event surrounding the conversation about Pun’s complaint of fanservice and oh boy, I got exactly what I wanted! I always found the discourse about fanservice fascinating because it can always give you an insight about the person giving you opinions about it and how they perceive human relationships and display of affection in these types of environments.

Speaking for myself, I have a pretty neutral stance about fanservice and what all of it entails. There are moments where I wished the industry or even the fans didn’t demand the actors to do certain things just for their entertainment but in general, I don’t lose sleep over fanservice and pretty much don’t judge the actors relationship based on that. However, being an almost full time twitter person, I’ve seen a lot of opinions about fanservice but the most prominent ones are these two: some people don’t like fanservice and some people really like fanservice.

To explain exactly how the discourse about fanservice really is just a mess sprinkled with glitter, I’m gonna use what Pun said bit by bit and talk about it:

- “When we service, we get insulted and when we don’t service we get insulted” – this sentence alone sums up perfectly the online discourse I see about fanservice. Because when a shipped couple does fanservice, some people literally write essays about how the actors relationship is fake, that they are being obligated to be together by their company or they are just doing it for the “pink money” (for example, OhmNanon are the latest victim of this discourse, especially after their fanmeeting), basically saying that they hate each other’s gut and only tolerate one another because of their job. However, when a shipped couple does minimal to no perceivable fanservice, some people have the impression that the actors hate each other and can’t even stand be a feet close to their shipped partner, to the point of disgust, and not even the money they would receive for doing said fanservice is enough to convince them to actually do something, meaning that their relationship is fake and that they are also being obligated to be together by their company and stuff like that.

Did you guys note something? How similar the reactions for the existence or not of fanservice are pretty much the same, the only thing that changes is what the person is talking about. This is basically the online discourse about fanservice in a nutshell.

I could rant about how some opinions stand out among those I mentioned above, saying that the industry is relying more and more on the fanservice itself and hoping that it alone can sustain the series the actors are promoting, instead of searching for a way of improving the quality of the Thai BL in the country, the ability of the actors and the quality of the story being portrayed, and also how in some instances fanservice can be detrimental to the actors relationship (a good example is what happened with OhmToey during the Make It Right era); this is an opinion I can, in certain cases, stand by it but, as I stated before, my stance is just neutral about it, so that opinion almost always stays in the back of my mind.

- “And what kind of shipped couple do they want me to be? Why all I did seems so wrong? Or just being me, is the reason of their hatred” – this here tackles the part pertaining the expectations the fans put on the actors about the type of display of affection that they want to see and what makes them comfortable. To explain better, I will use an example of something that happened in 2019, that not many people may know about: when the cast of 2 Moons 2 was announced and then started doing promotions and stuff, a well-known person in the “original” fandom of the “original” cast, that is also a fan translator, went on twitter to complain about the kind of fanservice PavelDome (ForthBeam in the new 2M2 version) were doing, saying that they were being too sexual in their interactions and basically accusing Pavel of just being a fuckboy doing all of that for attention and being “cringe” at the same time, relying on his physical attributes rather than his acting skills.

At the time, I took that as the person just being frustrated with the change of cast and not being used to the new one but after I saw that the person was actively shitting on the new cast without giving them the chance to prove themselves, while also indirectly calling Pavel every synonym of slut, I realized that the person placed their behavioral expectations on the new cast based on the old one and simply started criticizing them for it. The worst part in all of that is that Pavel, at the time, was just being his normal self, the only difference is that there were a lot more people watching him do that.

Another example of how expectations really ruin people’s perspective about actors display of affection is ZeeNunew. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people like to say that their relationship is fake because they are too lovey dovey with each other, using Zee’s previous shipped couple, Saint, as proof of that, saying that everything Zee says about/to Nunew, he used to do the same with Saint and stuff like that, implying that you cannot compliment the person you work with because when the person change, it will render your new relationship invalid.

OhmNanon. Some people accuse them of being fake because they do fanservice (like what happened during their fanmeeting), others accuse them of not doing enough fanservice, thus their relationship is fake and they don’t like each other.

OffGun. A shipped couple that barely do fanservice, to the point of their fans jokingly ask them to do some so they don’t die of starvation, to give them some crumbs, is accused of being fake simply because they don’t do fanservice.

KristSingto. Even if they don’t have a new project (like a series) since 2018, they are still good friends and hang out together with a surprising frequency, but people always say that they hate each other because they don’t broadcast every time they are together. That gained so much traction that Singto got asked if he and Krist hated each other TWICE in the span of six months, and he denied BOTH times, stating that they are fairly private people so whenever they are together, only a few people will know about. Krist, in one interview, said that there are instances of him and Singto going out together and people only finding about that like six months later, because one of them slipped that during an interview/live or because one their friends said something; and their friends/managers/family are always vouching for their friendship, going at lengths to call out those who always spread rumors about KS hating each other. Heck, KS even LAUGHED the last time they were asked that question, and I mean the kind of laughter you give when you listen something so absurd that you cannot believe what you just heard.

BKPP. Another victim of the online discourse of fanservice and they suffer from both sides. People accused Billkin a few times of queerbaiting, accused PP of being “too expressive” (badmouthing him for being feminine), said that they don’t really like each other because they don’t do much fanservice, then flipping the disc and saying that they only pretend to be friends for the cameras, even if they met each other years ago and are on each other’s side in every important moment in their lives.

I could go on and on about a lot more examples of double standards of the fanservice online discourse, because there is a lot roaming around, but I think that the examples I gave are enough for you guys to understand the scope of absurdity that the industry is creating. And don’t get me started on who some fandoms use the existence or not of fanservice to create fanwars with things like “at least my faves friendship is genuine, is not fanservice”, what makes me question “and what is so bad about fanservice that you need to brag about your faves ‘not doing it’?”. Why are we demonizing fanservice, when fanservice itself is not the real problem here but how the industry uses the concept of fanservice and the perception people have about that?

[That reminded me of something. When JIMIN of BTS was asked if he does fanservice with the other members, he said that all is actions are genuine and none of them is just for the sake of pleasing fans, and that response got people calling him a homophobe, just because he said he did not do things to please fans. People were out there equating fanservice with queer display of affection and if that does not tell you exactly the kind of mindset some people have, I don’t know what else can, to be honest.]

I’m not saying that there isn’t issues regarding the concept of fanservice and how it can be harmfully applied in some situations, I’m not that naïve. However, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to have a higher moral ground and judge those who do fanservice, because I’m not them and I cannot dictate what is the “right way” of showing affection, because different people show affection differently and all we can do, as rational human beings that we claim to be, is understand that sometimes people do things that we would find uncomfortable and that’s ok, we can’t please everyone at the same time, is just not possible. What we can do is distance ourselves from situations that we find uncomfortable and let people live the way they want to, without criticizing their every move, call them names or accuse them of doing things they are not doing.

Nott’s “the world is just as bad as it is” is a good way of seeing the world and understanding that is not worth betray ourselves because of what people say online. Because we cannot please everyone, there will always be a criticism coming from someone, because we did or say something they did not like (I’m not talking about saying or doing offensive stuff) or we didn’t do what they wanted us to do. Pun cares about what people say about it so much that it is affecting him physical and mental health to the point of him having panic attacks during shooting or fainting in the middle of an event, and Nott knows that, he sees it all and it pains him seeing Pun isolate himself so much that he does not reach out for help simply because he does not trust anyone and act like he has no one on his side, like he’s fighting a battle alone and everyone else is his enemy.

It’s not easy to let go of the notion that we need external approval and validation to feel like we have purpose in this world, and considering the fact that Pun’s job literally feeds of external approval and validation, it becomes twice as hard for him to actually understand that seeking the perfect image so that others like him is killing him slowly, like a car crash we cannot avoid. He feels like he needs to have those things or he won’t have anything else in the world, and even if people close to him tells him that he doesn’t need it, it’s gonna take a while for him to start to understand that and really see him for what he is: a person deserving of love and affection.

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As a bonus, I wanna talk about how Nott proved himself to be, again, a sort of safe place/haven to Pun. I said in the previous post (that you guys should totally check later), that Pun seems to be more comfortable around Nott, to the point of not having any problem with Nott touching him or even sleeping and snuggling with Nott after them having sex. As someone who have problems with physical touch myself, I have a very few selected people that I allow to touch me in any given time and those are my two nephews and my best friend, so I see Nott as someone Pun feels safe having around because I see where Pun is coming from in regards to not liking having people touching him, is something he gave Nott permission to do because he feels like Nott is deserving of that trust; and knowing how much of a control freak Pun is, that is very telling.

It may not look like but Nott appreciates the trust Pun gives him but that trust is in regards to physical touch and not trust in a broader sense. That’s why Nott talks about Pun not taking care of himself because of what people talk about on the internet, how Pun built a wall around himself and that because they know each other for a long time he knows that Pun doesn’t trust anyone but asks Pun to trust him, to understand that Pun doesn’t need to act like he’s alone in the world when he has Nott right there, by his side, begging Pun to let him into his world. Nott understands that, no matter how many times they have sex, how many years they’ve known each other, there are parts of him that Pun still keep locked away from everyone and those are the parts Nott wants to see, to see Pun fully for what he is and not just a few glimpses when Pun slips and let his vulnerable side seep through the walls he built.

And it is because Nott understands that that he reassures Pun that, regardless of how badly the world treats him, he “won’t treat him badly”, meaning that Pun can rely on Nott for whatever he needs, can see Nott as an ally, a shoulder he can lean on and cry when things become too heavy for him to bear alone. A side note here, while Nott was comforting Pun, he kept caressing Pun’s ears and talking to him in a soft tone, like someone trying to pass security to a scared animal. And remember what I talked about the possible meanings of that action from Nott to Pun: that it can be used to make Pun more relaxed and less tense in situations where he could usually feel like that and Nott’s way of him saying that he would not hurt him or do more that he was allowed to. Their secret code? Yeah, put that all together and it makes sense that Pun nodded after Nott said that he wouldn’t treat him badly, he knew Nott wasn’t saying empty words, he meant everything he said, from start to finish.

This episode was more raw than the first one because it gave us more insight about how Pun is as a person and how fragile he is compared to what he projects with his personas for other people to see. I showed us how exactly his brain thought process is, how he forces himself to maintain an image that his destroying and how he desperately needs comfort and how Nott is willing to do just that, be his safe haven. It also showed more shots of Pun holding his necklace in moments of stress (based on what Seng said in the recap of the first episode, that necklace was a gift from Pun’s mother, so it can be seen as a source of comfort from his family) and considering the preview of the next episode, we are going to have a glimpse of Pun’s personal life in relation to his family and maybe we can get an idea as to why he doesn’t like being touched.

Overall, this episode was very good, albeit very heavy and hard to digest when confronted with so many raw moments coming from a character that presented himself as a person self-conceited and easy to hate. It showed that is dangerous to use what we see to judge other people, that as humans we have many layers, some of which we don’t even have knowledge of, and how we internalize what other people say about us very easily and how that ultimately can destroy us slowly if we don’t find a way to stop the process before it gets too late.

If I have to be honest, I don’t even know if my thoughts look coherent in here because even I can’t seem to organize them correctly in my mind in a way that makes sense but I hope that at least you guys enjoyed the reading and also my understanding of the episode. Even with the world being as bad as it is, remember that each one of you are perfect the way you are, no matter what the internet tell you about yourself. You are the one who knows best about yourself and one day you’ll see how precious you are; it may and it will take some time but the day will come eventually.

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