fellowhumxn

[fellowhumxn]

19 May 2021 18:58 / 19 July 2021 14:59

With the upcoming Miss World Philippines beauty contest, questions get thrown around the house recently such as 

Why is it that skinny women only get to enter the pageant?

If we’re after the representation of Filipina beauty, why do the chosen participants’ noses appear western-like: matangos at hindi pango? 

If this pageant show showcases equality amongst women, why do we even judge them based on their physical appearances? 

Why should they look a certain way to even enter such a competition that poses a negative connotation in and by itself? 

It reminds me of an unfinished piece I wrote exactly a month before:

Miss Universe 2020 1st Runner-up Julia Gama of Brazil was asked, “Women are still considered incapable of becoming world leaders. Convince these countries that they are wrong,” to which, she answered,

“Women are such an important part of this society, and just because we are not encouraged in the same way that men are, we have our potential wasted. The world needs women’s contributions, because we came for some reason, and I invite every woman to understand that we are leaders of our lives. And yes, we can do a lot for our communities. So, please, take your power!”

I think about what a male person in my family asked me a few days ago right after Rabiya Mateo failed to vye for the top 10 of the competition, saying, “What really is the point of that?” (referring to the competition). As per the lack of my routine every night, I got out from a perfectly repetitive and virtually tedious game of farming in a RPG, walked out of the room, sat by the sofa in the living room, then heard the evening news. The question brought up a valid point and quite frankly, for a feisty woman (as I was described by my former partner) who either gets easily offended, disgusted, or exhausted by men’s ignorance, ego, and lack of sensitivity about women’s circumstance in a patriarchal society such as the Philippines, I, frankly quite intently, wondered, too. 

In my head, I thought I did not want to fail my Genders Professor and Feminist Adviser, or the whole cause for that matter... So I held on to my breath, took another, and went through an entire series of arguments about how it’s absolutely tricky to deal with such a question asked by a male educated person who only knows about and holds masculine male sentiments aside from him being my family. So I tried to see it from his perspective.

Does the competition not promote inequality by putting this much attention or significance to women alone? How it teaches the public to be critical and literally, judgmental of women’s intellect, elegance, femininity or character? How, ironic as it may sound, it promotes a toxic culture of competition by putting women up against one another: race-to-race, colour-to-colour, culture-to-culture, one beauty standard to another; perfected universally-accepted language, heritage-to-heritage, talent-to-talent, and who knows whatever else more than simply for the reason of subjecting them in cruel comparison against each other—mainly in the boobs, butt, weight, height, smile and teeth alignment categories. 

It does seem quite ludicrous that men don’t get as much attention or significance in a competition like this. Or are men just not really marketable? (Or are we marketing women more because of the existence of a system that appropriates and demands it?) I suppose people could have created something like this with men in it, then that might have prevented such an inquiry. But what would even be there to see? (Forgive me.)

Naturally, women will compete for the title of the most beautiful woman. It is, after all, a beauty pageant. But winning a competition like this also paves a path for social activism, social change and personal advocacy. Whoever wins the crown inevitably gains some sort of power in the form of access to network, platform for communication, an avenue for empowering certain demographic groups of the winner’s choice, receiving financial support from sponsors, or even a strong political ally/-ies, and yes, even wearing pretty and expensive designer clothes. But I can’t stop thinking about how twisted people (the organisers and other complicit groups who gain from a level of economic benefit of it all, or perhaps even myself) make it look as if the purpose outweighs the manner through which it is achieved… as the old adage goes, “the end justifies the means.”

I find it unacceptable that despite genuine attempts to make it evolve into a more ethical and more “feminist” competition, it’s very nature still defies and directly contradicts the very values it tries uphold. While it is possible for the pageant to make a counter and beg the question “How can women be empowered if they are not given such a platform?”, is it not lazy to be promoting such a culture that celebrates beauty, elegance, grace, and wit through a curated / rehearsed / and to an extent even performed show made for public broadcast just to exemplify the very marketable traits that the perpetrator permits? Why don’t we allow women to excel in cultures where beauty, elegance, grace, and wit are not the only primary factors to be examined to justify their worth? Even the mere act of asking makes me wonder why I even have to pose such a question in the first place.

Alas, as I sit on the sofa listening to my family ask all the valid questions about gender equality surrounding the competition, the reality strikes me that there remains a gap between men and women’s worth in the (different) society. Although I find myself mildly irritated by the fact that I have to answer to the injustices done towards men by the same competition that hurt women more than it did men, I remained thoughtful as to how I would sound fair and not too defensive or “womanly.” It felt like anything I would have said would incriminate my case further only to assert two sets of problems: 1) How can I truly be equal to you while you sit there 2) concerning yourself of your own rights first without acknowledging that the first problem lies in men’s decision that women are inferior? How could I get out of the loop so that my rights aren’t abandoned? How can the scale be tilted so I could be acknowledged without having to fight or explain the reason why I have to be? When will freedom be freedom so I wouldn’t have to force my way in to get a seat at the table? When will my voice not be compromised simply because I did not want to be rude?

But of course, I never said any of those things. Instead, I suggested, “If you are so concerned about men getting attention, then why not just create your own pageant show or watch men strut down the runway?” only to be answered with a homophobic silence.

[fellowhumxn]

[fellowhumxn]

31 May 2021 21:08

Even the smallest of comments irk me. Most weeks are terrible. I have a lot of sleepless nights. Thoughts are everywhere and nonstop. It’s becoming more and more exhausting to be me because of the relentless thoughts going one after another like a machine gun without a target. The stress eats at you, and you look at yourself in the mirror and ask the person in front of you, thinking that she won’t be able to hear you but you know it’s you asking yourself, saying, “I don’t look like myself.”

The last few weeks have been tough and inadequate. I find myself constantly trying to find distractions by playing games or watching tv shows and movies, or listening to podcasts when my eyes and head can’t bear the strain of 18 hours of computer light anymore, staring at the screen from waking hours ‘til night only adjusting as the room light goes off and everyone goes to bed for a sound sleep. And even if I finally get the strength to put down my phone, turn off my headphones and shut down my computer, I would just lay there on the bed, desperately wanting some silence even when, in reality, all anyone would hear are snoring people with you in the room, because you mind can’t barricade the thoughts from splitting into branches of more thoughts and introspections.

I am in the same state as I was a year ago. It used to be more okay than this. A comment of how I eat so much (factually incorrect) that my arms are getting bigger again stirs me up terribly. It doesn’t feel good to think about the reason why I lost weight in the first place was because I had depressive months come by and I didn’t have the appetite to eat anything at all. It sucks to think about how you’re getting even just a tiny bit happier, enjoying cheap unhealthy food yet even that is taken away from you just because some family thinks you need to look a certain way. I suppose that being sad or feeling down and hopeless has never gotten me a better look than what it gave me just recently. I never thought so positively about being sad until now.