feels17

[feels17]

Day 1 (2?): Update. I texted him at 1:52 AM. I texted him goodnight out of impulse. Regretted it immediately after I sent it but also kind of glad I did it ? I don't know how to feel. But I do hope that he's okay. I hope he can sleep well. I hope he texts back something, anything at all. You truly never realize how much you crave someone until it's 2 in the morning and they're the only thing on your mind.

[feels17]

Day 1: I woke up at 8 am this morning expecting to instantly fall back asleep but I rolled over to check my phone and I found myself looking at it for no more than a second until I realized I didn't want to bear a heavy heart so early in the morning and put it back facing down. It was too much hurt to think that if he hadn't texted me back last night right away there's no way he would've texted me after I fell asleep. I rolled over again trying to fall back to sleep but the heaviness of my heart wouldn't leave me alone. It felt like a sinking rock in my chest. I woke up around 11 am and the first thought in my mind was to check for my notifications along with his text. I open my phone to see he had actually texted me a simple 'Goodnight' back about an hour after I sent goodnight to him. I didn't know how to feel. Should I be upset he hasn't texted me anything else? Should I be happy he even texted me back? Should I have just not texted him at all? Should I text him good morning or is that too much? If he even wanted anything to do with me wouldn't he just text me? I showered and got ready for whatever the day would bring me like I usually do. Scrolled through Facebook and saw endless things that reminded me of him. Stupid little things. Things that if we were on good terms I wouldn't even think twice about. But due to the fact we were the worst we've ever been, nearly everything reminded me of him. Cassie wanted to have me drive her uptown so I got ready and as I head upstairs my mom hands me a big envelope from Western New England University. I'm nervous opening it until I see the big, bold letters saying 'You're Golden'. I was so excited. Even in the midst of my excitement with my mom, I felt a small pain in my chest wishing I could text him about how happy I am for our future together and how I excited I was. It was a silly thought to have that quickly I dismissed from my mind and continued talking with my mom about how stoked I was for college. The excitement lasted about 5 minutes until she re-opened a wound I was hoping wouldn't get brought up. Looking at her phone she read to me what my dad had texted her, "Did Caylee and Nick break up?". My heart sank. God, my poor dad. He out of all people knows what it's like to be in a relationship like this, but how do I even tell him that the guy he was hoping to marry his daughter and who he took into the family as his own, didn't love me anymore? How do you explain to someone that something they thought would stick around forever turned out to only be temporary? A million thoughts racing through my mind as my heart grew heavier all while my mom stood there not knowing what to say back. I told her to just give him minimal information which she did with a text that said, "They got into an argument yesterday and are just taking a break". He responded that he was shocked he would take down his profile picture so quickly. Honestly, so was I. Me and Cassie are driving to get food and we get a text from mom asking to go to Wal-Mart. I pull into Burger King and use the cut through. Passing by the Cinema Pub tore my heart in half. I couldn't get the image of him walking in there in December of 2015 and seeing this little blonde girl behind the counter and asking for an application. I remember thinking he was cute and hoping he would get hired. I remember wondering how he could be from the same high school as me and how I had no idea who he was. Little did we know that a year later we would have so much meaning in each other's lives. Neither of us had a clue how much of an impact we would make in both of our life journeys. I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, if I never met him would it be worth it to be spared all this heartache? Its Day 1 of this supposed break up. It's 1:44 AM and I made a stupid blog to get my feelings out because the amount of times I've overthought about him has filled my brain to the maximum capacity. I miss his big brown eyes and him calling me muffin. It's 1:44 AM of Day 1 (2?) and I can't get over the fact that this is how my life is right now.