feelinggspost

[feelinggspost]

Come work at OG with me 😜

[feelinggspost]

I worry I’ve gone too far. I worry he will leave. He’ll have had enough and he’ll run... I know partially it is my fault we are where we are. I know I’ve done and probably said things to lead us here. But I also know I try to be better and I’m not the only one taking this hole. I sometimes feel unwelcome. Loved it but not liked. Cared for but like a burden. As if I’ve overstayed my welcome. I try to express my feelings but I guess either I don’t know how to speak or he just doesn’t want to listen anymore. I truly believe I could spend forever with him and I can’t say I’ve ever genuinely And honestly felt this way before. It’s just lately, I’ve been feeling neglected and pushed away. I’ve been feeling like a burden. Like a chore. Unwanted. Overbearing. Aggravating and annoying. I’ve been telling myself it will turn around and just when it does, somehow I fuck it all up again. He’s constantly matter upset with me. He’s always taking deep breath‘s and signing over how much I bother him. Things I do. Things I say. Things I am. All I want is to fulfill him; to make his lousy days a little less lousy. To make him smile when he’s down or help him breathe when he’s stressed. Contrary to what I want to do for him, I feel like it said I am the one making his days lousy. The one getting him upset. The reason for all of his stress. Of course I’m just venting here now, I’m pretty positive I’m not the only factor in all of these things. Maybe just one of the contributing factors. I really worry I’m going to ruin this all because of my past and what I’ve been through. Maybe I just don’t know how to give a receive love.Maybe I’ll always self sabotage every good thing that comes my way. Maybe this is what steve did to me. Maybe this is what he wanted. But maybe this is what I deserve. I truly do believe maybe he must me up, or maybe it’s just easier to blame him. It’s very likely this is all my own doing. Maybe it’s how I was raised or just unfortunately how I’m wired. But I want to fix things. I want things to change. They need to. They must. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting. I want to change. I want to be a better woman. A betterGirlfriend. A better companion. And a better friend. I want to put 102% trust in him. I want to trust myself. I want to be last jealous and doubtful. I want to be less impulsive. I want to be better. I want to be everything he wants, and then some. The right amount of confidence is sexy mix with a vision for my life, a plan, and a tolerable personality. A tolerable attitude. He is and always has been so understanding. So patient. So kind. But I fear that it is all running low. I feel as if I’ve drained him of all the good he had. I need to find ways to be more trustworthy. More tolerable. More calm and confident. More beautiful. And more importantly, more in love with myself.  

[feelinggspost]

My abusive relationship with a narcissist lasted almost 2 years. Although I’d estimate that we only lived together about half that time. I spent the other half leaving him and trying to stay away until he somehow convinced me to come back. People have judged me in the past for staying, but they just don’t realize it’s different with someone like him. He didn’t accept it gracefully and let me go. In time he was almost as obsessed with me as he was with his control over me. Leaving would challenge his narcissistic beliefs that he was the greatest person in the world. When deep down, even he knew the truth. He was woefully insecure. Always feeling down so he had to drag me down with him. After all, misery loves company. He didn’t see the world the right way.

My narcissist’s name was Steve. He caught me off guard. At first I found him charming. The sweet words he said to me healed many scars left from my past. When I was with Steve, I felt beautiful just like he told me. I cut a path through a field of red flags to be with Steve. Sure, he made hurtful jokes now and then, but at least I had someone who wanted to be with me. As our relationship progressed, he showed himself to be cruel and hateful, and after months of pain and misery, I left him for the first time. My friends and family eventually grew tired of helping me get over just to see me go back to him. They assumed it was where I wanted to be. A narcissist will use every trick in the book to change your mind, whether it’s about leaving them or even the tiniest of arguments. If they can’t have things the way they want, they project a world where they already have it. Steve was, by far, not the smartest man I ever met, but his ability to gaslight me was outstanding. He told me I was unattractive and that no other man would want me.

He struck at the deepest core of my insecurity, feelings of being unwanted and failing, and I’d given him the ammunition to do it. Looking back, I remember the times he was so attentive. He wanted to know everything about me. He called me gorgeous and smart and funny, and I drank his words with the thirst of a dying man. I trusted him and he used all the information to his own advantage. He knew exactly which buttons to push, hell, sometimes he pushed them all at once. Steve played on my fear, shame, and vulnerability and used them all against me. He made me feel like he was the only one in the world who cared. He was a hero who saved me from a cold, hard world of misery, and I believed every word he said. There was a long pattern where I left him, something went wrong in my life, and Steve was there to catch me when I fell. Narcissists make it sound like you need them. They can’t imagine not being the center of your world, and they will do anything, good or bad, to get your attention. Steve used to call my phone over 80 times per day if I didn’t pick up. When I blocked his number, he used Facebook. When I blocked him there, he used email. After I blocked his email, he got messages to me through well-meaning friends. Steve threatened to hurt me and my family countless times, he even threatened to commit suicide several times. The first time he did, it stopped me in my tracks. I still felt responsible for Steve then, the man I made more important than myself. He took full advantage of my compassion. Even though part of me doubted his suicidal intentions and his threats, I let him in time and time again anyways. He never left, though he threatened.

I knew I didn’t love Steve about halfway through our relationship, but his tricks were enough to keep me coming back for more. At this point, I pitied him. For some reason I felt bad for him.

Steve said it was us against the world. And as the number of friends and family on my side dwindled the longer I stayed with him, I wondered if he was right. Narcissists want you all to themselves with no pesky friends getting in the way to talk sense into you. I wouldn’t have listened, anyway. I hadn’t before. My brainwashing was complete. The last time I left steve, I didn’t even like him, much less love him. I’m not sure what was special about that day. I didn’t wake up knowing it would be the last day I spent with him, but for the first time, I followed the intuition that screamed at me for so long to leave. My gut told me it was time to go, and I finally listened to it. My life was worth something, I just knew I shouldn’t be there for one more day.

Steve used every trick he had. I’m sure he thought it was only a matter of time before I “came to my senses” and came back. He cried on the phone because he didn’t want to be without me. He demanded I come back right that instant. He came to my home and threatened me. By the time he said he wished he was dead, I was in tears but still firm. “No,” I said. “I’m never coming back.” When he was out of my life, I began to live again. I finally saw steve the way my friends and family had seen him for so long before. I’m grateful I had the time and distance to look at him objectively. His narcissism was off the charts and borderline dangerous, but I couldn’t see that from inside his world. Getting away from Steve was not easy by any means, but blocking him from all aspects of my life was crucial. If he’d had access to me, he could have manipulated me, again, into doing what he wanted. Being on the receiving end of a narcissistic relationship made me think i was crazy. Above all, I don’t blame myself (entirely) for staying in a toxic relationship for so long. Some people will never understand why i couldn’t just pack up and leave at the first insult or bruise or lie, but dealing with a narcissist like Steve was more complicated than that. It took every ounce of strength to rise up and decide i AM worth it, after being called a worthless bitch by the person who supposedly loved me. Narcissists make you feel like you need them, but in reality, they feel terrified because they need you WAY more than they will ever admit. If I were to give any piece of advice to anyone dealing with a Steve, the word that I would wish is clarity. Being able to see things clearly is half the battle. The other half is the strength ive always had inside of me, and that includes the gut feelings telling me to get away. Intuition will never steer you wrong. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am the farthest thing from worthless. Deep down, i know what is true. And I’m glad that I finally let the truth guide me to freedom.

[feelinggspost]

we used to talk for hours. you once told me, in the very beginning, you loved random phone calls. but nowadays the only notifications i️ receive from you are pointless black screens; “streaks” . but what’s to happen if our streak ends

what happened to us

[feelinggspost]

i suppose at times, we forget to be our true selves. being so consumed by trying to fit into society can sometimes blind our choices and cause us to make irrational decisions. irrational decisions including hiding our true selves from the rest of the world. worried that we won’t be accept in society as the ‘norm’. but guess what ? hiding your raw self, it only hurts you. at the end of the day you are the one suffering from the pain and fear that the world makes you think you have to feel. quit hiding things that you think will put you out of place. the people you attract while being true, those are the people worth keeping. not anyone whom you have to fake in front of.

[feelinggspost]

beautiful.

sunsets on the beach

singing along to the radio

puppies

kisses

you

your smile

your laugh

you.

[feelinggspost]

i think that person is you .

at some point in your life you come to realize that there will always be that one special person that you'll never be 'done' with. that one person you'll always love at the start and end of every day. a person who'll always be there for you no matter how much they may hate you in the moments before. one person that will always see the good in you and always wish for you to be happy, hoping in return you wish the same upon them. at some point in your life [if youre lucky, it'll be sooner rather than later] you'll realize that not everyone has your best interests at heart, despite what they may tell you. words can do wonders to the mind, but only actions can speak to the heart. when you've been beaten down to your weakest form, that's when this person will rush to your side. seeing you have fallen, they will pick you back up. throwing to the side, all the heartbreak and pain they themselves have caused you, the two of you will always be inseparable. no matter who enters your life or how sweetly, that one person will always mean the world to you because at one point they were your entire world.

[feelinggspost]

its crazy how much someone can mean to you in such little time; how someone can tell you such beautiful things and yet still do you so wrong; it's really crazy how someone can be so heartless and throw you out like you meant absolutely nothing.

fooled once again .

[feelinggspost]

it’s been quite a while; i’ve forgotten the beautiful feelings of falling for someone. how everything they do just becomes so utterly perfect and how you think of them every waking - and unconscious - moment. i’ve almost forgotten the heart warming feeling you get when they look into your eyes, and smile. i’ve almost forgotten the truly great parts about falling in love, but i hope next time they never stop coming.

a fresh start is just what i needed .

[feelinggspost]

i let you lie to me over and over and over again. i chose, on many occasions; to believe all the bullshit you fed me. it’s almost as if your lips know nothing more than the lies in which you told me to ‘spare my feelings’. the lies you told me that sank so deeply under my skin, itching and burning with every single waking moment - pain rising - because all along, those beautiful serenades of butterflies and rainbows were in fact cover ups of the ugliness that lay inside. i can't say i didn't know all along, that something was out of place about you. i can't say i didn't tell myself so. but you live and you learn, and ive by far learned from this one.

it's my fault for letting my guard down .

[feelinggspost]

i tried not to let myself miss you. i tried not to let you back in. i tried, with all of me, to keep you locked out; unable to hurt me from the outside. id put my guard and put on the fakest front to make you believe i was ‘done’. little did i know how long that’d last. -not long- bc here we are a couple weeks later and it seems as if we’ve started a new beginning//almost// here i am , on the act of having let you back in. vulnerable. the fear of vulnerability shoots through my blood stream. heart beating fast. constant butterflies. daydreaming. night dreaming. but then there’s nightmares. and arguments. problems and issues. fights and her telling me yet again , what she swore she’d never say again “i hate you”, “im done with you”. she never means it, but i’m afraid one day she will..

love me back, bc you’re all i’ve got .

[feelinggspost]

for sometime now ive been told & told, time & time again “the thing you are most afraid to write. write that.” i guess ive been holding a bit back on what i let out, due to the fact that i dont like people to know much about me or judge me on the ways i feel; but - none of that matters. so why not just- just pour it all out? - how about we trash the worries and the fear, and just write from the beginning? why dont i go on about my perception of the world and how i’m one of those unluckily lucky bunch of people that tend to see only the good in every person- no matter how bad they prove to be; or how i forgive and i forgive and i forgive again, until all of me is just gone-absent. & what about how im totally, utterly stuck on the fearful feeling that no one will ever truly love me the way they say they do; the way i deserve.

‘the thing you are most afraid to write. write that" - well here goes .. // a

[feelinggspost]

i knew i was in love when everything think she did, was suddenly, so simply beautiful. i knew i was in love when just a glance in her direction could make my heart skip a beat. i knew i was in love with her when every time i walked into a room, or turned a corner, my eyes scanned wall to wall, up and down, for her. i knew she was the one when every time id see her, it’d make me catch my breath. i could feel the flutters in my stomach, and the tightness in my chest. i knew id love her forever when letting go seemed impossible and was proven to be a complete failure. i knew id be all for her until the end of time, when she shattered my heart into three million pieces, but i was still able to get up and continue to love her.

im so down for you, i just hope the feelings mutual . // a

[feelinggspost]

i miss you.

oh fuck

[feelinggspost]

i got tired of you treating me as if i was nothing but some bitch you fuck on occasion. i got tired of having everything bad that happened, blamed all on me as if it was entirely my fault. i got tired of you telling me you’re done, but running back to me telling me you were “just mad”. i got tired of you not knowing what you wanted, and now that i’m gone, you seem to know exactly what you want and you “always knew”. bullshit. i’m calling bullshit. i’m calling bullshit on everything we ever had, everything you ever said. i was never more than your little side tool. someone you could go to when it was convenient for you. the poor little bitch that gave you all the love and attention that you couldn’t get from anyone else at the moment. i spent too many nights crying over you. too many nights wishing i knew where you were, who you were with, what you were doing. i spent too many nights wishing you felt as i felt about you. and now i spend my nights thinking about myself and what i deserve. i presently spend my nights trying to love myself and fix what you’ve broken ever so harshly. now i spend my nights for me, not wasting anymore time crying over the thought of what was or the thoughts of what we could’ve been, had you not so royally screwed me over. now; now i have learned to be for me.

i’m learning how to be happy without you and i’m happy about that // a

[feelinggspost]

learning to be away from you and not talk to you all day everyday has been one of the hardest thing ive ever had to do. its been so much pain and troubles teaching myself that i do not need you, but that i strongly strongly crave your presence. i do not need your love, i just have the desires that you seem to be able to fulfill so easily. learning to be on my own again, like i was before you, has been so difficult. id gotten used to talking all day everyday, all the love and affection. all the infatuation we had from each other. but not anymore. its all gone. its all gone, and so are you. [sadly].

when i knew i’d be ok // a

[feelinggspost]

youre the drug i cant seem to get enough of. youre the air i come up for when ive been holding my breath for so long. youre the axis of my earth; everything i need. but youre also the water thats drowning me. youre also the quicksand that ive gotten ever so stuck in. youre the fresh air i need after suffocating. but youre also whats been suffocating me this whole time. they say never go back to what broke you, but the truth is, i never really left. they say what broke you, cant fix you. but i think youre the only thing that can. youre everything i want&all ill ever need, whilst at the same time, everything i shouldnt&cannot have.

late nights thoughts that keep me awake // a