fcknxethan-blog

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.sxharal:

Hazel hues examined the wound before her. A gash that created a wound deep enough to see the white  starting of the bone. Sahara’s brows knitted together as she slipped on a few gloves and softly moved her fingers around the area of the wound. “Hey…you there. Can you grab me the closest needle and thread? Also, can you bring a cloth for my patient to bite down on?” Her voice was soft, yet held a seriousness as the words rolled off of her tongue. Turning her attention to her patient she sighed pursing her lips slightly. “This is going to hurt.”

        Ethan glanced down at the bloody scene that has become all too familiar since the world seemed to come to an end, leaving only special few to fend for themselves. This new world was cruel but what was even crueler was how he was able to look at the girl who was desperately trying to save the life of a stranger and the first thought that popped into his mind was how this wasn’t his problem, that he should simply walk off and let her take care of this mess by herself. But he had to be better then that so he picked up the items she asked for and handed it over to her. “What happened” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.avramisms:

“We’re getting tonight,” he assured. It was for both of them, because now that the idea had been discussed so much it HAD to become reality. And Ethan had confidence the Community could take care of themselves for a night– one leader short. Really, that’s what he and Sam were with Amelia indisposed. Leaders. A little scary, but it did have a few benefits– a lot of cons, but the pros outweighed most of them. Though, he didn’t exactly want to abuse whatever power he had… So, yeah, he’d just… He’d think of something in the moment. Right now was a different moment where he DIDN’T have to think about the proper way to word statements so that they didn’t sound so much like ‘I’m doing this, deal with it’, because (while true) that was harsh. 

“Of course,” Ethan replied so easily, like he’d already thought about how that interaction would go… Which he had. He’d imagined introducing Ethan to just about everyone he knew– Maybe it was the rose-tinted glasses, but he couldn’t imagine them NOT being completely taken with him. His completely biased opinion, even he realized, but a nice fantasy to think about. Ethan fitting in with the Community. He could do guard work, or help out with the recruiters– or maybe Ethan would haggle him into a less risky job where they could see each other a bit more. Actually see each other. Not visits separated by boughs of absence and that deep ache that came with them. 

Unlike Ethan, Ethan was never very good at keeping a straight face when teasing so he kept up a closed mouth smile that crinkled his eyes. “Liar. Liar, I can’t believe– Look at you, lying! Right to my face! You’ve thrown multiple fries, and I’m pretty sure there have been napkins too.” He definitely didn’t mention the fact that he started half of those food fights with flicked straw wrappers or spare ketchup packets launched at Ethan’s perfect, open forehead. In his defense, he had cause… probably. More or less it was an excuse to see Ethan’s ‘shocked’ face, which was hilarious because he rose his eyebrows and had those wide, blue eyes. And then his lips would pull into a downright challenging smile. Like, ‘oh, you’re on’. Then, it was on. 

He couldn’t help it– Ethan brought out his childish side. None of the pettiness, but all of the playfulness which was… Hell, really fucking fun. Ethan didn’t normally take himself too seriously, but he did use to have a habit of bringing his work home with him– and now, he had his low points. Just like anyone else, sure, but…. They were still low. Still heavy. Then, they’d see each other and he didn’t have to focus on that. The weight was still there, but he had someone to help bare it. Someone who, somehow, convinced him it wasn’t as heavy as it felt with nothing more than a few laughs and a smile. 

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up when Ethan leaned in to whisper. Ethan froze up, and when the other pulled back a rush of heat rose to his ears and face. Laughing was his only real response for it, in the moment. Just a nervy little laugh which was smothered with a smile. His hand reached up to push back hair that hadn’t fallen in his face, and he ended up just raking it through the rest of his long locks. “See, you say that you’re not a dork, but… That’s a dorky ass smile you have and I’m gonna call them like I see them.” Belated, but he was happy he managed to say anything. It wasn’t like Ethan made him nervous– they never really had the ‘I’m nervous around you’ stage, but… he still was very aware of how close they were. How much Ethan smiled and how much he shifted around. And it made him a little more– what was it, electric? Tingly? That was a dumb word. but it got close. Like how he got when he was— 

Flirting.

Sure. Okay. They were flirting. He wasn’t going to call either of them out on it, but thinking the word over in his head gave him a little smile. Soft at the edges, as though remembering a long-running inside joke. 

“Okay, now I’m pretty sure you’re just trying to subtly convince me to make you this breakfast. It’s well played, but not going to work. You’re cooking, I get to watch… and help, if needed.” He didn’t move aside when Ethan reached for the empty dish, which meant they were now any and all concepts of ‘personal space’ were out the window… Really, they never really had proper grasps of personal bubbles. Didn’t need them. “Mostly watch.” 

He sidestepped the other, shoulder brushing in the close quarters as he moved to go re-stir the sad mini raviolis. “Right!” Rounding his way to the stove, he moved the pot over for easier access to the both of them. “You ever eat Spaghetti O’s as a kid? It’s gonna taste like that. And before you get excited, no, it’s not gonna taste how you remember.” 

      'Of course' He said it as if he was absolutely sure that one day in the near future they would be together, living with the community. Standing together against the horrors they’d have to face. Not two separate people living in the separate worlds. Only being able to share few precious hours together, before they’d have to leave yet again. It was a blissful thinking, overly optimistic, maybe but they needed that. He needed to be able to believe that one day everything would get better. That one morning he’d wake up and see Ethan asleep beside him, knowing that he’d never have to leave him again. And the all too familiar ache of watching him go would be long forgotten. But the idea of him being undoubtedly happy with the people he cared about still seemed to be too unrealistic to ever come true.

         He still thought about it, a lot. Maybe even too much, but it has kept him going all this time. During the moments when he would think that this is it, that the world would never get any better. He would think about the moment when he would finally walk away with Ethan to his new home. He’d think about that and it gave him a reason to keep fighting. And  he’d keep fighting until the day they’d be able to be together again. 

        Right now though, he was tired of fighting. He was tired of having to stay afloat each day and feeling wrecked every time his head would hit the pillow. He was tired of it but he was finally home. He was finally home in safety with Ethan and he was absolutely ecstatic.

       “I would never, ever lie to you” He put his hand over his heart, parting his lips slightly as if he was in shock because of this awful accusation, even though both of them knew how guilty he really was. “But, if I accidentally dropped one or two french fries on your pretty face then I bet you deserved it” He should take a step back. He should have taken a step back while ago but right now he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave his side and he couldn’t stop looking at him, admiring how his face turned bright red after hearing something Ethan said. It  was captivating really, watching him. Noticing every little detail he’d already memorized. Like the shade of his blue eyes and the slightly crooked smile that would be able to melt even the most heartless persons. 

         This was dangerous. Needing and caring for another person is too dangerous. Something could happen, something horrible could happen and what then? They could die, or he could die and leave Ethan heartbroken. It’s risky and no one should bother with it but Ethan had never been the kind of person that would do the rational thing. So instead of turning his back on Ethan, like any rational person would do, he only smiled brighter before curling his fingers into the fabric of his shirt to pull him few inches closer to him.  

        “Oh, so you think I’m a dork? Well I think you’re a jerk. Forget all the nice things I’ve ever said about you. Forget them, because you’re nothing but a jerk who also has the dorkiest smile in the entire world” There was no poison in his words nor was there any heat behind them. He was realived because finally he could feel the worries that have been weighing him down like an anchor, drowning him in his mind vanish, even if it would only for the short moment they had together.

         Ethan had to bite down on his tongue so he wouldn’t say what he really had on his mind. Because telling Ethan that he’d cook breakfast for him every single morning for the rest of their lives, wasn’t good enough. Telling him that wouldn’t do either of them any good. Ethan had his people to think of and asking him to leave them to be with him was nothing but selfish. So instead of saying what had been burning on his lips for a while now he simply clicked his tongue on the top of his mouth, before putting up yet another smile.

       “Alright, alright. It was worth the try. I guess I’m going to have to poison us with my awful cooking. I bet I can find a way to somehow poison pancakes and eggs” With his head tilted to the side he had to force himself to stop focusing on the future or his unrealistic dreams of what could happen because right now they’re here in their little cabin together and even if it’s not ideal it’s something and it’s definitely better then nothing.

       Just breathe in, and out. This was too much of everything at once. His faint touch as he brushed up against him. His blush, his EVERYTHING. He wanted to scream and shout to whoever’s sitting up there, with their dark and twisted humor. He wanted to thank them for making someone as astounding like Ethan and sending him towards someone that didn’t quite deserve him. He wanted to promise that he was going to spend the rest of his life proofing to the world that he was worthy of Ethan Avram. “My foster sister used to make it all the time,  I haven’t had it in ages. I really can’t remember how it tasted like so I doubt I’ll be too disappointed” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

Do not make me love you. I am a riot, and I will ruin you in the process.

whoisstaceyanyway  (via wnq-writers)

[fcknxethan-blog]

If I cannot bend Heaven, I will raise Hell.

Virgil, Aeneid VII.312 (via thoodleoo)

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.alexcndereed:

“I think you could say that,” he replied, his voice holding a sarcastic tone. Watching as the other guy put his hand over the wound, Alex took a step back as he still held the gun, even if he didn’t think it would be necessary anymore. “Not that it matters, Ethan, but I don’t think you had to lie and almost get me into jail. That’s just who you are,” he said, shrugging. The man’s next words had him letting out a laugh that held everything but humor. At least Ethan was telling the truth; Alex had trusted him all along, to the point of giving him confidential information. That was foolish, and so had been he. “Are you saying everyone else is also a thief and a back-stabbing asshole? Your life is definitely sad, isn’t it?”

       “Do you honestly think I cared whether you got thrown into jail or not? NO I cared about the jewels, I had to get then. Alright? And I got what I wanted and you didn’t get thrown into jail, so why the fuck are you still so bitter about it” The world was spinning around Ethan as if he was only moments from passing out, but he was not going to pass out, especially not in front of Alex. “Well... Yes. Almost everyone are either thieves or back-stabbing assholes. Then there’s the once percent that aren’t and they’re nothing but kindness. But you and me both know that neither of us are part of that group” He swallowed dryly, shaking his had partly to keep himself awake and partly because of this messed up situation. He was shot, by alex of all people. “My life is like roller coaster and right now it’s only going up, so no, i don’t have a sad life. How about you though?? I think you’re going to need some special help since you’re now starting to shoot down curious bystanders” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

If I do cardio I’ll disappear.

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.alexcndereed:

Nothing but a fucking coward. The words echoed in his head for a few moments– Ethan Draydon, the guy who fucked him over, lied, disappeared and almost got him into jail, was calling him a coward. His next action came without much thought; he pointed the gun to the man’s leg and pulled the trigger almost at the same time. Violence never made him feel good, but shooting Ethan certainly didn’t feel bad, either. “The next one goes into your head,” he said, his grip on the gun not failing. “You don’t get to call anyone a coward, Ethan. You define the fucking word.”

       ‘It didn’t hit me.’ Was Ethan’s first thought once he heard the gun shot echo all around them. He’d been shot few times in the past. He even used to say that it was the hazard of the job, so he wanted to believe that he should know if it had hit him or missed him. But then he looked down and saw the blood cover his pants. “You shot me” The realization of his words caused him to finally feel the all too familiar burning sensation around the wound and sure enough his entire leg began to go numb. He’d been shot, he’d been shot by Alex of all people. He should probably be panicking and begging him to take him to the doctor but Ethan Draydon wasn’t a beggar and the last person he’d ever ask for help would be Alex. “Oh fuck off. You have no rights to call me a coward for simply doing what I had to do” He hissed at the other as he put his hand over the wound to try to put some kind of pressure over it. “Besides I was only doing what everyone else does. I was simply using a foolish guy to get what i need” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

[fcknxethan-blog]

avramisms:

Truth be told, Ethan Avram had been waiting to come home all week. The walls of the Community weren’t the same as they were before. More than anything else, they felt like a maze he would never be able to navigate out of and that was… He shouldn’t feel like that. He couldn’t project onto the inanimate walls of the building that had given him shelter and security for so many months. What was worse, though, was having to address people. Sam had… She was busy– understandably, her sister was still out there (somewhere, she hadn’t been at the ‘lab’… at least Ethan knew where his sister was). And… They hadn’t said it, but it was obvious Amelia was terminal. She wasn’t going to be taking back the reigns. Although the conversation had yet to be had, it was… Ethan knew what he’d have to do. 

He just didn’t know if he could do it. 

When he looked at the members of their group, the grief-stricken and the angry, he knew that– like with McMillan– his choices were limited. Not literally, but… He knew he wouldn’t look for another option. He wasn’t a leader, but he was aware enough to know that people still saw him as one. That there was some part of him that resonated as brave and in control with them– maybe they’d show it to him eventually. Help him relearn himself. 

Making his way up to the cabin, Ethan let his hands clench and unclench around the strap of his bag. The nervous, newly discovered part of his conscious kept volleying the ‘what if he isn’t there’ question to the front of his mind. It was easily batted away, though, because he knew Ethan. Ethan would stick around. Knew that he’d done so before, at the diner. Knew that he, probably, would always stay if he was needed. Because Ethan Draydon was too good for him. He would wait, and wait, and wait. He’d be pissed about it, yeah, but he would wait. And Ethan would let him, because he was, at his heart, flawed and human. So, he’d make him wait. They’d both wait until they ached with it, then they’d wait again. Maybe forever. 

Still. The question kept coming back until Ethan was annoyed with himself more than anything. He didn’t doubt Ethan, never had, but this enhanced doubt of self was just awful. It kept him up all night, it tore through his mind during the day. It ate away at him, and left him tired and scared because– who WAS he? Who was he going to have to be? It’d only been a week, but he’d recognized stages in himself. Went through the panic, the all-encompassing HORRIBLE panic. The grief– which he didn’t think would ever end. The guilt– which sat constantly at the back of his mind and would cloud his conscious like smoke. Then… then this new feeling. He didn’t know if it had a name, didn’t know if he wanted to name it. All he knew was that he wanted to go home and he was steps away from the door. 

Of course, he’d been making enough noise to warrant attention. The door opened slowing when he was feet from it and he froze for a terrifying second because just in case. 

When Ethan saw him, he lost what nerve he had and it was replaced by relief. Ethan knew he’d be there, but seeing him. Seeing his rough, beautiful face and his ocean blue eyes. He was home. They were home. It was like being punched, but in the best way possible. 

No attention was paid to the thud because once he saw Ethan he was all he could focus on. “I’m late–” and without anything more said, because there was nothing else to say, he was moving forward and throwing his arms around the other male in a tight hug. He could tell Ethan how sorry he was. He could try and describe the past week, and honestly he would undoubtedly be baring his soul later, but right now? Right now this was all he could do and it was all he needed. To be home, wrapped up in someone who made him feel human. Who made him feel loved and strong and safe. He loved his cousin, he did. His friends, too, but they weren’t Ethan. They, no matter how much they helped, couldn’t match the effect that the other man had on him. 

He took another step into the hug, doing his best to get as much contact as possible. Chest to chest, he buried his head in the crook of Ethan’s neck and shoulder. And he breathed. His eyes squeezed shut, he just breathed and held on. For a selfish second, he wished that this was the rest of his life. That he wouldn’t have to let go and leave him again, that he could be selfish and mean and just take this. That they could leave Scottsdale, leave everything and just GO. Get the HELL out of dodge. Immediately, guilt ebbed at the thought because, no. No matter how much Scottsdale hurt him, he was going to have to stick around and he couldn’t chase childish, foolish wishes. 

“Missed you,” he mumbled against the bare skin he found, not caring if it came out audible because he knew that it was communicated. Every part of him was screaming how much it missed him, there wasn’t a chance it wasn’t known. 

        In the moment when they were looking at each other as if they had finally surfaced after being underwater for years, he remembered something. Something he’d been told by one of his foster mothers years ago but of course he’d been too proud to ever think twice about her words. Well until now. She had told him that once you love someone, their pain becomes yours. He’d never believed in anything like that. Nor had he ever believed that love existed, especially not for a man like himself. But as he stood there, on the steps of the first home he has ever had, since he was just a small child. Watching the man that helped him create it suffer. He saw his suffering and instantly they weren’t only his. Ethan was suffering right there with him.

      Seeing him looking so frail and unslept helped him put the anger that had been clouding his mind only moments earlier aside and the sheer panic quickly replaced it. He panicked because Ethan was hurting, he was hurting badly and there was nothing he could say or do to take the pain away. He wanted to be able to hold him, to hush the pain away. He wanted to tell him that no matter what he’d always be there for him, he’d always love him.

        But he hadn’t been there. He should have gone with him, he should have done what Ethan had to do so the suffering would have been HIS not Ethan’s. 

                                      He didn’t deserve any of this.

      He knew that right now he didn’t have to say anything, even if he had million of questions and comforting words burning on his lips. Right now he knew that all Ethan needed from him was to be there for him.  So he didn’t say anything. Instead he yielded to the warm, strong hug. His frame molding against Ethan’s. And for a moment they weren’t the two separated halves, looking for one another. They were finally whole. 

      “Yes. You’re damn right, you’re late” Ethan finally mumbled into his shirt. His fingers raking through his long hair. There was absolutely no anger in his voice even if he could have sworn that he was burning up inside with it. But he wouldn’t let it show because who was he supposed to direct the anger towards?? Ethan? Hell no. The entire world? No, he knew it wouldn’t help Ethan at all so instead he only held him. He held him as he felt his heart beat slowly against his chest and in a way it comforted him.  

                                          He was here, he was alive.

        He almost missed what the other man had said. He’d missed him. He knew that... He’d always known that, because he missed him too and being away from him was like missing the best part of himself. The only part that was left that made him feel human. So when he was without him he wasn’t himself. He lacked patient and compassion and his heart ached all the time, it longed for nothing but to go home. The idea of simply leaving to go be with Ethan often played on repeat in his mind during their time apart. It would be the first thing he thought about when he’d wake up ‘Would this be the day’ and it was always the last thing on his mind before trying to fall asleep. ‘I should have done it’ So YES he did miss him as well. 

       “I missed you too dreamy. I always miss you..”  After another moment of holding him, he decided that they’d eventually have to let go of each other to get inside. Because staying out the open like this wasn’t exactly their smartest move. He inhaled deeply before reluctantly stepped away from him. “You look like shit. Aren’t they feeding you enough?” His tone was light, even if his heart was breaking. 

              He shouldn’t be this unhappy. He should NEVER be this sad. 

      "Now lets head inside and find something to eat, doesn’t that sound good?” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

No fighting!

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.alexcndereed:

Alex felt his anger growing by the minute, holding on to the gun so tightly his knuckles went white. His finger went to the trigger, even though he didn’t pull it. “Do you really want to give me a reason to shoot you? Another one, that is,” he asked sarcastically, his expression nothing but stern. Alex ignored completely the man’s last sentence. His grip on the gun didn’t fail. “There’s nothing in there for you. Fuck. Off.”

        “And what are you going to say then?? That you shot me in cold blood? Because I’m not doing anything wrong. I was just politely asking if I could see what you’re hiding in that damn box” Mind games. Always the same mind games. It was a talent really, being able to twist every single word and action to get whatever he wanted from a person. Ethan had gotten to know Alex in the past and he knew he wouldn’t shoot him so instead of fearing the bullet that surely had his name on it, he came closer and closer until the barrel of  the gun was only few inches away from him. “You won’t shoot me, you can’t shoot me because you’re nothing but a fuckin’ coward” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.alexcndereed:

Alex reached for his gun immediately, feeling something that was both anger and disgust boiling up inside his chest. “Don’t you ever get tired of stealing?”, he asked, his voice carrying an acid tone. Alex always came close to doing it, but he never actually shot Ethan. He chose to believe there was a good reason for that, and not that he just couldn’t do it. “Step back, and fuck off.”

       "Getting tired of stealing?? Of course not, that’s like asking if I’m getting tired of breathing” He let out a huff of a breath as he took a step closer to the box. Completely ignoring the gun that was aimed in his direction. “Let’s keep this civil, why won’t we? Open the box and let me see what’s in it-” Ethan paused for a second after he turned slightly, to be able to properly face Alex and the gun. “Put the fuckin’ gun down, unless you’re planing on using it” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.avramisms:

…Lying…

 it would be simple. Easy. He could do it, and no one would think to ask him anything else but– but— … He hated lying. Really, he was quite awful at it and he hated it but…. It was one lie. A harmless, white lie that meant they could spend a night at peace. It was such a good, believable one too. It wouldn’t be scrutinized. 

But… Ethan worked with the law enforcement before all of this. He knew how lies could grow and he didn’t want Ethan to be a secret kept from everyone else or the source of any mistrust in his group or among his friends. He gave it thought, really, but ultimately he knew he couldn’t lie. And he hadn’t lied so far– Sam knew he was seeing someone, and the parties he’d catch walks with knew that he was going somewhere safe. 

It might be a little childish, but he didn’t want a lie stopping them from being together in the future. Even if, realistically, it wouldn’t. Because, realistically, nothing besides their own damned loyalties and self-assigned responsibilities prevented them from being together. It was frustrating. It was really freaking frustrating when all he wanted to do was curl up next to the other and escape in the home they’d made out of each other. It hurt to leave after a few hours. To make sure they didn’t do anything more than want, so neither would ache more than they had to. And to leave all of that unspoken, because when it was addressed, it was real. And when it was real, Ethan knew he couldn’t say no to himself anymore. He knew that he’d be selfish.

“Tempting. Really tempting. But, I think I might tell them I’ll be back in the morning. That they shouldn’t worry about why, that I’m somewhere safe.” Maybe now he was saying things to make himself about his choice. Really, it’s fine, he thought. It was a night. “Sam has this. She’ll kick butt in my absence.” There was no doubt of that, Sam would be able to handle about ten hours by herself. And if something happened, then… He’d take responsibility for it. 

He would take responsibility for it all. 

But nothing would happen. It was ten or so hours. It was a night. He– THEY– were allowed to be happy. They should be allowed to be happy. 

The closing distance between them was even more of an encouragement for Ethan to say ‘fuck it’ and make the call right now. It was a charged, pleasant space between them. Made him aware of his heartbeat and for a second, he was sure the other could hear it.  Also made him want to close it. Which was such a dangerous thought that he had to act as though he hadn’t thought it at all. It was in his grin, behind the amusement, but that’s where it would stay. 

Now, he had to play along. “Oh, yeah, that Ethan,” he said with a nod. Inclining his head toward the other, he dropped to a whisper. “Between you and me, I always thought he was a bit of a dork. He binge watched shows all the time, threw french fries at me– like a child– and… oh, wait. That’s still you.” Which was said with the most impish smile he could manage as he kept their heads close a second longer before pulling back. When he did, the distance between them was only increased by a small margin. Even then, it was kind of disappointing. The conversation was good enough distraction, though. 

Pancakes. A real breakfast. A night of rest. It was all amazing, but paled in comparison to Ethan’s blinding smile. He remembered the first time he’d seen it, how it’d manged to smother everything else in the room. How it stole his full attention and held it hostage with pearly teeth and cracked lips. “…You’re just… I’m speechless! It’s so… You’re the best, I swear…” With a smile of his own, he stretched a foot out to gently bump into the other man’s in a light kick. Not even a kick, just a tap. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll help. Of course. Though, I really do think you’re giving me a little too much credit. We ate out, like, seventy-five percent of the time we hung out. How do you know I didn’t seriously prepare for those meals?” Which… he did. Ethan put WAY too much thought into what to make and how to make it. It wasn’t like he was hopeless with cooking, he was a pretty good cook if he did say so himself.

Which was, somehow, a reminder of what they were planning on doing before getting sidetracked by… well, each other. Though, he still didn’t make a move to interrupt the bubble they’d formed around themselves in this moment. There was nothing to interrupt them. “Any other plans? Or are we gonna wing this?” 

        One of the thing that Ethan truly admired about him was how honorable he was. He was far from perfect but no matter how tough it could be, he’d be honest, even when he had no reason to tell the truth. Ethan admired that in him and it was one of the million reason why he looked up to him. So when he refused to tell the simple white lie to get away with staying the night he wasn’t disappointed, no, far from it actually. He was proud because he even refused to lie for him.

       No matter how great and amazing he believed Ethan was he wasn’t an idiot and he knew he should never put him up on a high horse. Because no matter how kind, honest and sweet he was, he was still nothing more then just a person. A flawed human being. Ethan could see the strength in him and his flaws and most of the time he was in an awe, having to pinch himself because he simply couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to get to call him hi- to be able to spend this time with him. 

      “Do whatever you’re comfortable with” He assured him with his honey sweet voice, which he usually saved for a situation where he’d be trying to get whatever he wanted from some poor fools. But right now there was no sinister meaning behind it. Right now the only thing that was on his mind was to make Ethan feel the most comfortable, to make him happy.  

       “And you’re really gonna have to introduce me to Sam one day” He mentioned. Hopeful that one day he’d be able to leave everything behind and go with Ethan. Meet the people he’s been hearing stories about and not having to go leave him again. Leaving him after their sweet few hours felt like a torture. So still to this day he prayed to have the courage to leave his group, to be with Ethan. “She sounds like a fine lady”

         Ethan quickly captured his lower lip between his teeth. Usually a nervous habit but now he did it for the sole reason to keep his smile at bay. To come off as a serious person when the truth was that he was close to laughing. “Yep.. Yep that Ethan is a menace” He agreed before finally bursting into laughter. “What? Me? I would have never done anything like that to you.” He paused for a moment, his lips parting slightly as he kept his eyes on him. “I mean, I like you way too much to throw a french fry at you” 

         Ethan was buzzing. They were so damn close to each other. If he would reach fpr him he’d be able to touch him, but he also knew that once he would, he’d never be able to let go of him. So he didn’t dare to see if Ethan’s skin was burning as bright as his. Instead he carefully leaned towards him, decreasing the electrifying space between them until until his lips were almost touching his ears. “And I’m not a dork” He whispered into his ear, with his signature lopsided grin. Perhaps he stayed too close to him for a second too long but for him it wasn’t nearly enough so when he distanced himself from him once again he couldn't help the empty feeling in his  chest that was quickly replaced with the familiar warmth he felt whenever Ethan as there with him. 

       “Am I the best for being able to find a thing or two to be able to make this breakfast for us?? Well then you’re something else for being able to cook it. And don’t try to deny it, because your food is HEAVENLY” Yeah Ethan was something else. No one had been able to make him feel like this. Never before has he cared more about someone's happiness. Ethan made him want to do good things to be able to see him smile. He would do anything to see him happy, he’d even take few things from the kitchen to be able to prepare a proper breakfast for him. 

         Ethan noticed the food from the corner of his eyes, that surely had to be cold by now. “How about-” He spoke softly as he reached over Ethan to be able to take a hold of the empty dish. “We eat this delicious dinner and then we can wing it?”

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.alexcndereed:

“Don’t touch it,” he said, referring to the box full of pain killers he had just brought inside. His voice didn’t come out as a warning, but it was firm nonethless. 

        ‘Don’t touch it’ Ethan glanced at the box that was within his reach and really his words sounded more like an encouragement then anything else. “Oh why not?” He tilted his head slightly to the side. “It has to have something valuable inside of it. What is it?” His gaze fell back on the mysterious box as he began to imagine all the things that could be hidden in it and everything he could get by trading it. 

[fcknxethan-blog]

@avramisms

        He shouldn’t worry about him, he was a grown man and he could very well take care of himself. He knew how tough Ethan was and he knew he wouldn’t need anyone to take care of him or worry about him. Yet there he was cursing and biting down a frustrated scream. “Where the fuck are you” He hissed through his clenched teeth as he imagined the million possibilities of what could have happened to him while he was on his way to their home. He even went so far to worry if he could have been eaten by a fucking bear. Which truthfully had never been a worry of his until after he’d waited HOURS for Ethan to show up. He could name countless of things that could have gone wrong but really the thing that worried him the most was if he was still suffering after what had happened. That he wouldn’t find the strength to show up. 

       He hadn’t quite believed it when he’d been told who’d been the one to take the the shot that had ended the horrors that had been taken place right under their noses. When he’d heard that Ethan Avram, HIS Ethan had been the one to kill the man he wanted nothing more then to give up on everything and run to him, to be there for him and to hold him until everything would be fine.

     Killing something or someone has lately turned into a big part of everyone’s lives but he knew Ethan and he knew that killing would never be something he’d take lightly. So he wanted to leave, he wanted to leave to be there for him but he couldn’t. He had to wait.

     He’d been able to find the strength within himself to wait patiently for the day they’d usually meet. Now there he was pacing around the old wooden floor until it creaked from it’s abuse. He couldn’t wait here much longer, he had to find him. He had to bring him home to safety.  “That fuckin’ asshole, I swear to god” He muttered under his breath as he threw himself down on the couch with a loud sigh. He wanted to go find him, but where could he go?? Should he run straight into his group to look for him? No he couldn’t do that, so now he was stuck here doing absolutely nothing but curse him for this entire thing. 

     “If you were any other person I’d surely be burying your shallow grave by now” He said out loud but there was no real heat behind his words. Yes he was angry, furious even because that’s really the only way he’s ever known how to deal with this feeling, this panic. “And if you try to sweet talk me ‘n flutter your fuckin’ lashes, I gonna-” He sat up straight on the couch and slowly reached for his knife after he heard the faint rustling noise outside the door. Yes it could be Ethan but it could also be a freak or another survivor looking for a place to crash. 

     So he slowly opened the door, ready to strike whoever would come at him. But then he saw him and the knife he’d been holding so tightly, slipped from his fingers and fell with a loud thud to the ground.

                                                       “Ethan...” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.avramisms:

“I just have to see if I can figure something out,” he said back, now a little defensive just in case Ethan was considering retracting the offer. He doubted the other would, but still. He wanted that night. He was going to HAVE that night if he had to beg for it. “I spend all my time with them, nothing is going to fall apart if I spend one measly night having fun.” But, he knew this new world wasn’t made for fun. Doing things ‘just because’ was a luxury– one neither of them were entitled to… but… Again. This wasn’t just for fun. These excursions, no matter how far and few, felt necessary. Something that made everything else so much more bearable. 

Not that he discounted his friends, no. Billie and Sam were like sisters to him, their strength was his but just… He would die for them. In a heartbeat, he’d take on any burden they needed him to. The same applied to Jon and Atty, who were much needed reminders that friendship isn’t something typical. A lot of the times it’s a little weird and hard, but it’s always worth it. Again, he’d be there whenever he needed them. Ethan, on the other hand… 

He was just– He was his person. Every feeling he invoked with a smile or a touch, every little crinkle in his eye or tense of his muscles it was… He noticed. He noticed and wanted to continue noticing. Wanted to continue seeing, hearing, and feeling. It was strange and terrifying and right. 

He wanted this night. He just wanted one fucking night to be greedy and pretend like this was how things were. The two of them. Their gross canned food was going to get cold, and they both were going to eat it anyway and laugh. And smile. And exist together. In the same place, where they belonged. Instead of pining and aching miles apart, waiting for the next time they’d be able to spend a few hours together before waiting again. He, too, turned to lean against the counter and face him. 

With a laugh, he gestured to him with a fork. “Real cute coming from the guy who took naps all day and hung out with me at two in the morning. Or was that my other neighbor who I share a name with?” He flipped the pointed fork over in his hand, holding it out for Ethan to take.  “Your version of early. Five, maybe six… ”

Eyes wide, Ethan whistled low.“Eggs? The hell you’d get eggs from? And waffles and pancakes??” it was… It sounded a little unbelievable, but he believed it. Somehow, he KNEW that the other had probably pulled it off and it was just.. Someone went that out of their way to give him a good morning? Really, he couldn’t help but stare, mouth opening to say something else before a smile smothered whatever he was even considering saying. How. How on EARTH did HE end up being with– friends with– such an amazing person? Such a brilliant, thoughtful person who was probably sacrificing a lot of resources to give him a goddamn breakfast… Ethan doesn’t even really eat breakfast anymore, rationing was a bitch like that, but… God, a real breakfast. He should tell him no. Or tell him to bring the rest back to the people who would need it or just… Jeez. A real breakfast with eggs and pancakes and waffles. Or… he could just be getting excited over the possibility of having a normal goddamn meal. “Don’t joke around with me, I’m getting excited.” 

Very reluctantly, he stepped away from the counter and went to the pot of ravioli. It was looking particularly sad now that he just had a vision of a dream breakfast. “I swear, you’re trying to outdo me, Steamy. It’s not fair.” 

     The world could end and people could be killing other people and corpses could be roaming the earth but the only important thing on his mind would be staying in the warmth of the cabin, eating quite disgusting canned food with the person that changed everything in his mind. before he met Ethan he’d been with people and he’d been friends with people but they’d never been able to stay in his heart for a long time, but then there’s Ethan. He’s different from everyone he’s ever met. The moment he met him he had been able to find a way into his heart and his mind and now he was stuck there. Sure they haven’t been able to spend much time together lately but it wouldn’t change anything.

      Besides, they were going to have an entire night for themselves. Something that would have sounded quite mundane in the past, sounded now like the greatest idea they’ve ever decided on. Sure it wasn’t going to be easy, not at all. But right now Ethan couldn’t care any less, he needed this, they both needed this. They needed to have a moment together in the silence of the nights when nothing is clouding their mind other then the person beside them.

     It’s been a while since they had that. It had been before the fuckin’ outbreak. Before the outbreak they had often stayed with each other throughout the entire night. Having a late, late dinner (or early breakfast, depends on who you’d ask) and  then crashing together on the couch or even in their beds, lying so close to each other that Ethan could feel the warmth of his body against his skin and the rhythm of his breath soothing him slowly to sleep. That’s all he needed right now, he needed to stay in their comfortable bubble with Ethan beside him as they fall asleep together. 

      His skin had been set ablaze with the longing of his touch against the warmth of his skin and had to remind himself repeatedly that they were only friends and he wasn’t supposed to pray for him to come even closer, but it was quite obvious that they were more then just  friends. What’s between them has never been anything as simple as a friendship. 

     Ethan tilted his head to the side with a mischievous smile widening into a grin as he suggested: “Well you could always tell them that you lost track of time and once you were gonna head back it was late and you ran into few of the freaks so instead of fighting them, you found a place to hide to wait them out” He ran his fingers through his dark blonde hair. Yes he was suggesting that perhaps he should lie to them. What harm could a little lie do?? Well of course a little lie has gotten him thrown into a cell once or twice the the past. 

      "Well  yes, that has to be your other neighbor who also goes by the name Ethan” He hummed softly to himself. The feeling of home embracing him as Ethan began to talk about the ‘feast’ he had prepared. YES he’d been able to steal a thing or two for this breakfast but with his cooking skill it would probably be quite lousy no matter how great the ingredients were. 

      Pushing himself away from the kitchen counter he took few slow and lazy steps towards Ethan until he was standing perhaps too close to him. His fingers wishing to be able to touch his hair and he wants nothing more then to- NO he had to focus on their conversation, or else he would go mad with things that he couldn’t have. 

       “You know I would never lie about pancakes, they are my heart and joy” His entire face beamed with ecstatic happiness. Because this entire thing reminded him of the past when he’d been trying to explain WHY he’d bothered with making pancakes when he knew he couldn’t make them. and he’d replied ‘well because it would make you happy’  “Am I trying to outdo you with cooking?? That kind of sounds like a really, really bad joke” He breathed out a soft laughter. “Nah, you’ll always be the greatest when it comes to food. I even might need your help if you don’t want me to burn the house down” 

[fcknxethan-blog]

&&.avramisms:

 “If you–” he stopped himself, eyes flickering down to their hands before he gently rubbed his thumb against Ethan’s warm wrist. Really, he shouldn’t have. But, hey, he could die tomorrow. “I wish you could go back with me. And I wish we could just… I wish we had made a lot of different choices. That shit didn’t drive us apart like it did. But, that’s not how it happened.” While it was a grave proclamation, he smiled. Just a little pull of his lips, and an hyper awareness of his own heart. How it beat felt somehow more significant now. 

Hand still atop Ethan’s, Ethan looked back around them before his eyes met the glare off a car windshield down the road. Blinking, he ignored the shiver that ran up his spine. It wasn’t even close to cold outside.  “It kills me, too, but this is what we have to deal with. I wouldn’t damn us too soon, though. We… I feel like we’re a ‘forever’ kind of deal, not a ‘never’.”

Forever. Never. Yeah, that seemed about right. ‘Forever’ deals came back to each other. They were like boomerangs, ‘never’s were parallel lines that never met. And that wasn’t them, because Ethan and Ethan got close. They got real fucking close, now that he thought about it, but it wasn’t… It was scary. Really scary to see someone and know how much they could hurt you if they wanted. Friend or not. Normally, he would take that risk. He would jump that gun because that was what he did. Ethan Avram did goddamn STUPID things for people. He would give every part of himself over to someone if they asked for it, but with Ethan Draydon… He could hurt him. Hurting Ethan was… No, he couldn’t do that. 

It was a cursed awareness of their proximity and he didn’t look at their hands because he didn’t want to take it off. Knew that if he acknowledged it then he would have to because they were getting close again. Instead, he looked at the side of Ethan’s head and waited to meet his blue, oceanic eyes. Ethan was a big believer in things. Having hope… It was something he needed. He needed to believe that they had a future where things went right for them. That ‘never’ wasn’t a concept he wanted to dwell on when the world seems dead set on stomping out people’s lights as it was. 

Inhaling, he tried not to dwell on the lingering hint of decay from the bodies below. He hated that people had somehow gotten used to it. That it was something you only really noticed if you tried. Even as a coroner, he’d struggled with it. Now, though, it was just another part of the world they lived in. For now. 

“Maybe not now. Or a few months from now. Or a few years… but… you’re…” and the words led to nothing, because now he had to identify him. Come up with a title that was close to how he felt. It was an impossible task and he smoothed his thumb over the skin of Ethan’s wrist once more, like he was looking for a clue as to what could come close. 

He smiled, after the silence went on a little too long, and gave up on putting a label on who Ethan was to him. They were friends, yes, but more. It was more. But, not anything that could be called ‘more’. “We’re a duo. Ethan squared, right?” 

     His soothing words took away the doubts that had been clouding Ethan’s mind. He had always had that affect on him, unintentionally even. Before the  outbreak when he was trying to build up the courage to leave the town, to leave Ethan but the doubt of staying vanished the moment he saw his smile greeting him and his laughter had helped him decide to stay. This was no different. his voice took away the worries, the monsters and the death that surrounded them by only saying how they are forever. It sounds naive to believe that a person will be in their lives ‘til the end, but they are forever. They’ve always been a forever and Ethan had known it all along. He didn’t want to imagine his life without him, not again and he’d would do anything for him. He’d even die for him... No he’d rather LIVE for him. He’d be happy for him despite the horrors in their lives. He made him want to be happy, he made him want to live and for him he would always live because they are and will always be forever. 

      “Yeah we kind of are forever, aren’t we?” A gentle smile played across his cracked lips and his entire body was burning up with something, he’d never dared to name in the past. He cared so much about him, no caring didn’t  even come close to the feeling he’d been trying hide from himself and Ethan. It was scary to have someone you care about so deeply in a world that could take them away at any second. No he wasn’t going allow his mind to think about that. He was there with him and he believed they are forever, that’s all that matters right now.

        Through the years nothing in Ethan’s live had been forever. Everything in his life came and went but no one stayed long enough for him to care for them. He’d believed that Ethan had been one of those things that had come into his life when he least expected him and then vanished up just as quickly. Usually he hated the people that left or that he left but Ethan was different. He’d always believed he was like a shooting star. He was beautiful and he burned so bright but eventually he had to disappear and it was sad, devastating even but he’d always been so happy that he got the pleasure of meeting him. 

         But here he was, just as astonishing as he’d been the day he left and he wanted whatever this was between them to work, he wanted it to work because he believed they were forever.

                                             They are forever. 

        Ethan could swear that his heartbeat slowed down when he spoke again. His eyes focusing on the details and the fine lines of his face that he’d memorized long time ago. He wanted him to tell him what he meant to him, but when Ethan told him that they were a duo he could help but smile because yes they weren’t ANYTHING but they were definitely more then NOTHING. 

        “We’ll always find away. We’ll be fine and then one day we’ll be able to be together again. We’re just gonna have to be patient”