fauxnova - Tumblr blog

[fauxnova]

entry 02

does anyone else ever feel like their past comes back to haunt them?  i don’t mean as in terrible, awful things you’ve done.  i mean, the things that you regret, the things that you wish happened differently, the things that you wish you hadn’t done or you wish hadn’t happened to you.  i feel like that almost constantly and i wish that i could somehow move past it.

years ago, back in secondary school, was the last time i think that i was truly happy.  i loved my school, and i had wonderful best friends, and teachers who were really amazing at what they did and who made class actually enjoyable.  i was definitely happy there, even if at the time it felt like i kind of wanted to move on.

the thing about my school was that it only went up to age 16, which meant that i had to move schools.  and my experience at my new school felt like it was doomed from the start.  anyway, throughout my two years there, i gradually grew distant from my old best friends, little by little.  i dealt with so much loneliness as i really struggled to make new friends, and as a result i started suffering from depression and anxiety (which went undiagnosed for at least a year).  unfortunately, the same trend continued through my time at uni, and now i’m on the other side i feel like i’m constantly looking back and wishing things had been different.

i’m almost 100% certain that my mental state affected the outcome of my exams.  i did so, so well in my GCSEs, and i know i definitely could’ve done just as well in my a-levels.  but i ended up missing the grades i needed to get into either of my top two universities, so i ended up somewhere that i knew, right from the start, wouldn’t be right for me.  and again, my performance at uni was affected.

i feel like all that has left me at a point where i’m struggling to move forward.  i feel like opportunities were lost to me, opportunities that still affect me now.  and i end up thinking to myself, what if i’d never gotten depressed?  what if i’d made those grades?  what if i’d been to a different university?  would i be happier?  would things have worked themselves out?

i’m looking at applying for further study for a few reasons, but i also wonder to myself if part of it is me wanting to chase that university experience that was lost to me, that i’d hoped and dreamed of having.  i feel ridiculous for spending so much time hung up on the past, but i feel like my struggles now are directly related to my struggles then.  and maybe i can’t get past what happened until i’m able to overcome what i’m going through now.  how i’m meant to do that, i have no idea, but i don’t want to keep; living in this loop of regret and resentment.  i[m desperate to move on and f i could figure out the key how, i would grab it with both hands.  i don’t want this - my struggles, my mental issues, my ‘failures’ - to become part of who i am going forward.  it’s not me, and i know that girl who was happy 6 or so years ago is still there, somewhere.

she comes out every so often, in moments when i’m able to laugh with my family and forget for a moment, or when i have a glimmer of hope about how my future could be.

...i kind of feel like i’m dying right now.

[fauxnova]

entry 01

i made this side blog a few days ago.  i felt like i wanted to have another side blog where i could pursue an interest of mine, but i didn’t really know what exactly i would use it for.  my main blog is a simblr, and i have two other side blogs, one for custom content for the sims, and the other where i just reblog stuff that i like, i guess.

i wanted a blog where i could express or follow another of my interests, but what?  i don’t really have any... passions?  or things that really get me excited or that i really enjoy?  which i suppose kind of sums up my life in general.  so, i’ve decided to just make this an everything-blog.  where i can just talk about how i’m feeling, my general whims and interests, what i’m doing.  it will probably end up being pretty unstructured and i don’t really expect it to be seen, although that’s okay.  but mainly i just want to be myself.

i don’t really have social media accounts where i’m me?  i have a fan account on twitter,  which is anonymous.  on my other tumblr blogs, i’m either anonymous or go by another name.  i got rid of my personal insta a long time ago, and i don’t use facebook anymore.

hmm.  i’m kind of rambling on here lol.  but i guess if you happen to be reading this, welcome to my everything-blog :)