fatcatlosing-blog

[fatcatlosing-blog]

Closet motivation

First day was great, 365 to go (leap year!). I listened to a “sugar is bad” hypnosis today and it was awesome. Took a nap right after, very relaxing. I organized my “small clothes” today - all the things that don’t quite fit. About 80% are things I’ve worn before in my life. Rest are things I bought but never quite fit into. Here’s a pic - organized by decreasing size. So I start on the left and move things up as they fit! I’ll try them on every two weeks or so, to see if they’re ready.

This is one of my fav pieces, it should fit when I’m about 160. Ted Baker dress, sheer sleeves.

Good night! May I wake up tomorrow smaller. They say when fat is burned it exits your body as you exhale. Lots of exhaling tonight!

[fatcatlosing-blog]

150 pounds in a year?

Yep, losing 150 pounds in a year is a crazy big goal. And I would be pretty happy if I lost a third of that! But I like to set really big goals; that excites and motivates me. So I’m putting it out there.

I’m currently 275 pounds tonight; actually, about 270 — the first five pounds are really carb water weight so I’m calling it 270. I’m a 5'6" woman and would like to weigh 120 pounds. That is a *very* aggressive goal for me. Again, I would probably be pretty happy at 130, or 150, or 180, or even 220! But 120 pounds has always been a magic number for me and I would love to experience life at that weight. So, the task at hand is: 150 pounds to lose :-)

How did I get this way? I was a normal weight through childhood and high school (maybe around 150 pounds). Then, in college I dropped pretty quickly to 132 and was THIN. It was wonderful, words can’t describe it. I would feel my body in bed and enjoyed it so much. Then I went through a lot of stress and a breakup in grad school, and decided that it would be a good idea to eat a lot to soothe myself. I meant that time period to last 3 months, it lasted 15. Whoops. So I bounced up to 200 pounds — yikes! Then, I managed to drop down to 155, stayed there for a bit, then crept up to 185. At that point, I did really dumb things for about 7 years! I did starvation low carb diets during that time, and bounced around between 155 and 200. Miserable! But I was very single, everyone I knew was getting married, and I was so desperate to get thinner so that just once — a guy I liked would like me back. Instead of always choosing someone else (who was always ALWAYS at least 60 pounds thinner than me).

So I solidified the binge eating disorder I had started in grad school — starvation diet followed by binging. Gosh, that yo-yoing. So around 34, I decided to get professional help for that, and my anxiety. WORST DECISION EVER. The anxiety drug he put me on made me just eat and eat and eat — I warned him this had happened to me in the past, he blew off my concerns. I blew up to 295 pounds. I put on almost 100 pounds in treatment for an eating disorder. Thanks team! My therapist was a joke — she wanted me to stop dieting. I was *very clear* that my goal was to not be fat anymore. My psychiatrist suggested weight loss surgery at the end — well, dude — I was only overweight when I walked in here, and I left morbidly obese, so hey-want to take any blame here? I’m sure you can tell, I’m still mad, but believe very firmly that happiness is the best revenge. I do plan to make an appointment with him when I’m thin, though.

I recently worked with a weight loss clinic, but only lost 20 pounds in a year, and the drug they put me on made my blood sugar weird, so I’m back on my own again.

Here’s the thing — this is my very last shot at the life I always wanted and honestly always assumed I would have. Married with a kid. I’ve been too fat to even think about dating for the last few years, and before that was honestly too heavy to attract anyone I liked. I’m 39 so majorly out of time. With my calculations, I have about a year left to lose as MUCH WEIGHT AS POSSIBLE, so I can meet someone, quickly get married, and if we’re very lucky, have a kid. Time is totally out. It feels like an impossible task, but it’s what I want the most out of this life, so I have to try. I have a Plan B if it doesn’t work out — which may be interesting, but I do want to try for Plan A.

A bit about my health — I’m actually pretty healthy. I have some anxiety, which is well under control at the moment — no drugs! I have one bad joint, but it was bad before I was heavy. The heaviness doesn’t help, but it’s under control. Shockingly, my blood pressure is normal, cholesterol is on the lower side, and my blood sugar is fine. For now, for all of these things. So though you might think I’m trying to lose weight for my health, I don’t need to at the moment. Maybe it helps because I haven’t been super fat for very long, and I’ve been a vegetarian most of my life. I also have never stopped exercising, no matter what has been going on with me. My main cardio now is aqua-jogging! You put on a flotation belt and pretend to run in a deep pool — feet don’t touch. Great exercise if you haven’t tried it. Nothing like the feeling of being weightless in the pool.

Well, here’s how I’m going to do it. I love the NIH’s BodyWeightPlanner tool ( https://www.niddk.nih.gov/bwp). I plugged in my plan, and it shows me getting to 120 in about a year.

Calories: 1800 to start. Drop 50 calories every month. Last month at 1200. Nothing too drastic. For hunger reasons, I’m going to try for 25% carbs, 35% protein (which at the start is 105 g carbs, 150 g protein). So, a moderate diet full of veggies, nuts, olive oil, yogurt, oatmeal, a bit of whole-wheat bread, and some frankenfood protein things (because I’m a vegetarian). Maybe about 2/3 clean food.

Exercise: swim 6 days a week, weights 3 days a week, abs 3 days a week. Ease slowly into this, since I’m older and the body doesn’t recover like it used to. Right now, I swim about 3 times a week, weights/abs maybe twice. Plan is to start swimming 20 minutes 6 times per week, then add 5 minutes each week until I’m up to 75 minutes each day. For the abs/weights, start at 5 minutes a day, then add 5 minutes each week until I’m at 30 daily minutes. Once I get to about 200 pounds, I’m going to add in a daily walk. Again, start slowly, only 10 minutes per day, then slowly build up to an hour walk. This is a lot of exercise, but I generally enjoy it. It’s good for anxiety, and I hope if I take the build up really slow, it won’t be too painful. Friday will be my exercise rest day (though I will stick to my diet — it’s not a cheat day, those don’t work for me).

The website says this will work. I have a very colorful tracking sheet to keep me on track. I feel like I just have to jump on this slide, follow the directions exactly, and I will emerge at 120. You would think with over a decade of intense dieting experience, I would know it’s not easy. But I’m going to try to keep positive. I guess I just don’t know what I’m going to replace food with. It’s one of the great joys and loves of my life — overeating that is. Being so pleasantly full. Feeling comforted. The bliss of not having to think, just eat. It is SUCH a joy. I was thinking I would write on this blog instead.

A little more about me — I’m a bit shy. So no full pictures of me, I am the last of the GenXers so don’t really get publishing too much about your life (that can be traced to you!) online. So I’m going to try to stay anonymous. But something in me just wanted to share all these feelings — and I can’t really tell my friends things as plain as this — and therapy was a disaster for me — so I’m trying this. I will put up (face cropped out) pictures when I’m maybe closer to 200 pounds. I haven’t seen a picture of myself (or looked in a full mirror) since I got above that amount and worry I would be too freaked out, so no pics until later!

Please wish me luck and if you feel inspired, please pray for me, and for all of us who want to go after what we really really want in this life.