fancyenthusiastrunaway

[fancyenthusiastrunaway]

3 hours

"You know who I am" was never a threat as in "Do you know who I am?!".. And it wasn't like "This is Steven because who else writes to you like this." (Maybe the first time I wrote that phrase it was).. I think what I was trying to say was "You know I'm not making this all up- I'm a good person, right, why don't you believe me?".. I wonder how much was lost in translation, misinterpreted, when I wrote these stupid 'letters' to you. You wrote to: stay away from men who call you intriguing. I used that word because you had posted some image on your blog something about preferring to be complimented on personality and character rather than physically. Maybe I was always trying to be too poetic or romantic.

I should have let go a decade ago. You think I don't know that this is stupid, or weird, or whatever you want to call it? I do. Maybe I was trying to be too hollywood- you know those Adam Sandler movies where things dont work out but then at the end they do? But it wasn't just corny and cliche because I was also frantically trying to reach you somehow-hoping- with time having passed and aging maybe things would have been different if I had another chance (one that wasnt just writing to you from behind the screen).

But I don't even remember a fraction of what I wrote to you. I know I must have dug my hole pretty deep. I'm not here to save face. Maybe I've even said all of this before. I do wish whole heartedly that I had done things differently from the beginning. I messed up. These letters ARE dumb. I'm barely funny and at best a 6.5 attractive, and with my battle with depression- not ambitious. So can I blame you for not being interested? Especially after being too much of a coward to talk to you in person in all highschool.. I can't..

But I am sincerely sorry for all of it. My intent was never malicious. You don't post on your blog much anymore and I wonder if that's my fault. Probably.. But I worry that you don't post because of your own depression.. I hope you are okay... Or maybe you're just too busy with school and work, and have great hobbies and you aren't wasting life behind a screen. But really, maybe it's none of my damn business- I shouldn't even be here.. Probably.

Usually when I've sent these type of messages to you, you would follow with angry posts for a month or so. So obviously I should have known you aren't interested. But I was dumb. I am pretty smart, but I am very dumb. I do wonder whether that anger was all towards me or if you were upset yourself, because you do "know who I am", that you were shutting out a person that cares for you more than anyone else.

But really I don't know that you "know who I am". Words are often misconstrued. And it's been a decade. But I suppose you really do think I'm just a stalker- that you wish you were never nice to me. I get why you would think that. I do. I can see the picture that's painted, I know how many times I messed up, how hard things have been for you. I just wanted to make everyday of your life better and I wanted that chance and that's why I'd kept writing.

And I don't know. I said I'm not here to save face. I don't think I am- but maybe I am? And I don't expect you to suddenly change your mind after all this time- all these tries. Like I said I can see how bizzare these are. Yet I still do somehow hope we do make amends. I don't expect it though. Maybe I just wanted to write to you.. and that should be okay, right?

I don't celebrate birthdays, but I think yours is coming up. I hope these messages don't make you feel bad and ruin your birthday or any other days. That's not my intent. I hope all your days go well. I would have tried damn hard to make everyday a birthday for you if I could. You know?

I wish I could take away all the hate, discrimination, racism, violence, war, poverty, disease, pain, sufferring, and all of the woes. But I can barely get myself through the days. I can't even convince a girl to send me a text. Save the world? I'm just a broken man. So "who am I"?

Well, I'm trying so damn hard to make it through despite everything. I try to treat people kindly all the time. I'll finally be getting my drivers license soon. I've worked in a call centre for most of my "career" but I had a hard phone call that gave me a panic attack so now I am thinking of delivering pizza, building cabinets, becoming a recreational therapist or finding anything else to pay the bills. I like all types of music, anime, playing sports.. I really love the sound of water..

I don't know, girl. What I'm trying to say here? Maybe: I'm sorry, I'm not some creep, I hope you are well, I wish we coukd talk- but if we don't it's cool because I get it.. And just keep doing good Sabih, because I know you can.