fallingintogracee

[fallingintogracee]

he was my best friend and that was the worst part

taylor needs to release the voice memo of the black dog on spotify

i'm reading a post that i wrote literally two years ago - the innocence and childlikeness of young love that makes me glad that i got to experience it. with the most unexpected man, in the most unexpected way. oh goodness i have so many big emotions, thoughts and feelings. of course there's so much to grieve. he meant everything to me. he opened my eyes to what love could mean, what the depth of friendship could mean and allowed me to understand what it meant to love purely. i got the experience to relish in the joy of friendship, to just be myself. our laughter still rings in my head occasionally. it's a sound i cannot shake because it's a figment of our happier past. we went through a multitude of trials, and i wish you knew how sorry i am for the way that i could not endure them. my inability to handle my thought life seeped into our friendship in many ways that ultimately, like a seed, grew into something bigger that suffocated the life out of us. and i wish and wish in some hopeful despair that one day i could reverse time and we would go back to the happier us. but i know it doesn't work that way. things had to happen to unravel the reality of who we were and whether we could stand the test of time. the test of pure love is against the most difficult of situations, unchanging in time and space. but we failed. miserably.

i'm sorry to myself, for wilting something beautiful. i don't blame myself entirely and will continue giving myself the grace i need. if it wasn't him, it'll be some other guy. it's okay, it wasn't my fault that it crashed and burned. i'm angry at myself, every beautiful thing in my garden wilts like my hands are made of destruction. but every beautiful thing will wilt because i am human. and every beautiful thing is not submitted to Jesus, my garden would burn. i've learned it the hard way.

it's difficult too because he was my best friend. my confidante, the one i'd share stupid but deep things with, whom i could loosely and freely be myself with. loosing the idea of a romantic possibility hurts, but loosing the friendship is probably what causes the most grief. i grieve us. because the him i know now, is not the him i'm able to trust my heart with. he's cold, indifferent, uncaring and it truly seems like this meant nothing to him. now, he makes me feel like i have to be something, do something to meet his expectation of me. if not, he'll just be frustrated and disappointed all over again. and i feel like he just looks at me with eyes of disappointment, like he's searching for something that can't be found and the make up of who i am is not enough for us to survive.

if you ask me, i don't know how to go forward. everything feels like a blur - how is it even possible for life to be breathed into what seems so desolate? how can i work through this with all my hurts, disappointments and offence and still show up and be present? how, when the one conversation we were meant to have was supposed to be what healed the friendship but it did the opposite? i know i was told that it's light and simple, that the friendship of our future is bright, of which i agree. but perhaps i first need to lay down of any expectations of where this would go, not even romantically, but perhaps my idea of friendship would look completely different than what i've always envisioned.

i don't know, i really don't. i don't even have one step for myself to take in this current juncture. my heart is too bruised from the trauma of the toxic few months we went through and bruised from our conversation. my heart is still grieving all that it was and not just that, but all that he is. i don't know this man that i was writing about 2 years ago.

i don't have my one step Lord. for once, i don't know what the right step is to take but to sit here and tell You that i can't move in any direction because it's paralysing. i say that i can't endure, i say that i can't be patient and kind but grief is love with nowhere to go.

and what is grief, but not love persevering?

#writingthis3hoursbeforemyexamsagain

[fallingintogracee]

I really relish in the moments where times were simpler. Where the future didn't look so scary and my world revolved around my friends and I, just facing our current life together. I'm nose deep in studying, with two tests tomorrow but these sentimental moments and longings don't escape the anxiety of my heart while hustling for school. I long for these moments and looking at memories of them becomes my respite in my growingly loud mind. Perhaps I don't just miss the feeling of young innocence - I miss the feeling of unconditional tangible love that I never had to risk it all for, I miss the feeling of my world being built on what I thought was good friendships at that point. I miss the feeling of knowing I was going to be okay because the world was full of love. 22 and I still know nothing is largely inaccurate. I know much more than I did a decade ago, but if I could just relive a day of innocence and fluffy memories instead of constantly trying not to drown in my abyss of worry, I would. #irealiseicomeontumblrwheni'minthemiddleofanexam #somehowthishasbecomearandomspaceformyhollowthoughts

[fallingintogracee]

what if he doesn't end up being the one?

the one that you've dreamed about, the one that you've always envisioned, the one that you thought would meet you at the end of the aisle.

it is an earth-shattering reality, one that cannot be based upon previous hopes and dreams, one that cannot be concluded hinged on friendly teases or passing remarks from friends.

i haven't thought much about it, maybe just afraid that if it becomes true, my heart might give out. if i were to watch him love somebody else, my heart might not survive another heartbreak.

but at the same time, there is a lingering hope that it is stronger than these meaningless pursuits. in the long run of eternity, these tears would only draw me closer to the One who could fill all. though it is a difficult reckon and tough longing, perhaps it is safer not in my thoughts but in the hands of God.

i quietly long for a happy end. but i am afraid to give God the true desire of my heart, in fear that it would be eradicated from my sight once more and i would be left with vast emptiness.

the pains of the waiting is incredibly dreadful. help me Lord, find meaning and hope in what is of You and in the Cross. steady my heart to bring its relentless pining and raging desires to You.

i am going to be okay. i am held.

[fallingintogracee]

I’m stuck at a wall, forced not to run but to confront my feelings, forced to feel the tension of the situation and not ‘escape route’ like I normally do. There’s so many ways the flesh could go about this, I could really just have a talk and pour my heart, but deep down, I honour him, and the Lord more than anything else to move a step into anything that I'm not called to do. This crossroad feels a little longer, this sidewalk feels a little lonelier as I watch people walk into seasons I wish I could be in. Anything with clarity.

[fallingintogracee]

you feel like home

give me two characters who are each other’s home. two characters who feel completely safe, warm and protected in each other’s presence, and who are completely respected by the other. two people who, on some level or another, were missing that little extra spark they needed to feel fully confident and accepted as their whole selves until the other came along. they don’t “fix each other” or “make each other better”–they give the other the support they need to build on what was already inside them. sure they might kiss, or make goo-goo eyes, but they can also just…talk, and make each other laugh and smile, because for once they feel comfortable enough in themselves and with each other to be vulnerable in that way. two complete people who finally find someone to share all of themselves with. and no matter what they do or how far they go, they’ll always have each other to come back home to. 

[fallingintogracee]

I miss writing

maybe this would become another memory that 25 year old Shann would scroll and laugh at - at her stupidity, innocence and vulnerability.

it’s been a few months ever since jan 2020 happened and ended, I'm thankful it resorted to where we are now - better friends than ever and having a more authentic friendship than anything we’ve had over the last few years. I'm thankful that the tears were worth it in the end, and it’s just another step to finding what God wants me to find. 

wound up in something that I'm unsure of, I now hate the phrase “I think he’s the one”, and have become incredibly skeptical of relationships. any budding romance scares me. I'm afraid of it’s potential to hurt me like it has the last few years. yet, somehow I've met someone that I'm sure of. whether it’ll be a blessing or another lesson, whether it’ll be something I take with in the far future, or something I'll look back on fondly, maybe a part of my heart is sure about him. 

the way it was unexpected, the way it was built. yes, there were the mistakes that were made, but there were also redeeming moments and things that He has been showing me. like any relationship or friendship, there’s always that trust element, that trust factor that has to happen before anything. to trust the Lord with this prized possession. 

all of a sudden, I appreciate all the love languages because he shows them all so well. he takes notes of things I appreciate, he is concerned about my well-being, he sends me long affirmations over even the smallest things, he sends me prayers I didn’t know I needed, he shows up with breakfast for the next day when he knew I wouldn’t get it for myself, he puts in the effort to try. 

he knows me at my core, he understands the depths of my heart. it is a common understanding, one that words need not be uttered. 

even if it were a passing phase, I now see that love can be beautiful. though I am still skeptical, I understand the love that people talk about, or glow when they're talking about. it is the same kind of love. 

it is the same kind of love that helps me to appreciate his flaws. it is the same kind of love that wishes to be there in sickness and in health, wishes only the best for him. it isn’t a toxic love that demands expectations and more than I can offer. it comes naturally, it is built on years of friendship, and months of getting to know a person. it is the same kind of love that I bring to the Father and ponder on, the same kind of love that leaves me on my knees before the Lord, because I want the best for him and not just myself. 

this kind of love changes you, it leaves you broken and different, it shows you how to love others before yourself. this kind of love shows you how you can be a better version of yourself. this kind of love should draw you to the Lord, and less of yourself.

I've begun to appreciate things in him that I never understood. the deeper parts, I've been wanting to know them all. I appreciate the humour that is much needed in conversations, I appreciate the way he leads me back to Christ. I appreciate our deep conversations about the Lord. I appreciate his heart that is open to accountability, his heart that is faithful and can have faith in the impossible. his heart that is incredibly humble and kind. his heart that loves first, that is growing all the more closer to Christ. I'm still in the process of learning and knowing his heart. I don’t expect myself to know it all, but maybe I want to be on this journey where I learn. 

but the most important thing is protecting this friendship. ultimately what scares me is my heart of deceit and flesh, that leads me (and maybe us) to decisions that we should not be making. I want to honour the season we’re in because I care about our friendship. because in the end, it is what matters the most. 

Lord, guide me. 

[fallingintogracee]

When there are simple, straightforward jobs to be done, and you are full of sadness, and tears are flowing easily, go ahead and do the jobs with tears. Be realistic. Say to your tears, “Tears, I feel you. You make me want to quit life. But there is a field to be sown (dishes to be washed, car to be fixed, sermon to be written).” Then say, on the basis of God’s word, “Tears, I know that you will not stay forever. The very fact that I just do my work (tears and all) will in the end bring a harvest of blessing. So, go ahead and flow if you must. But I believe — though I do not yet see it or feel it fully — I believe that the simple work of my sowing will bring sheaves of harvest. And my tears will be turned to joy.” . . Devotional excerpted from “Talking to Your Tears"

[fallingintogracee]

I was given a second chance and there it went, messed up all over again. 

[fallingintogracee]

im sad

Ikarsi moments that live rent free in my brain:

The forehead touches (duh)

Her gifting him the stone she transformed to match his eyes

Him fondly watching her nerd about her powers out on the plane

Them spying on Phastos and his son

Him snatching the book from her when they were pretending not to do said above

THEIR WEDDING

Him watching her when she says earth is beautiful

Her watching him awkwardly try to roll the dough into a ball in the village

Him accidentally saying I’m beautiful when trying to compliment her

The I’m sorry at the end (PAIN)

Him hugging her after she turns the deviant into a tree (he was so worried)

[fallingintogracee]

still heartbroken over them

So everyone’s saying how they came out of the movie preferring Makkari/Druig over Sersi/Ikaris, and yeah while they’re cute and I ship it, Ikarsi just have me in even more of a chokehold.

Ignoring their tragic ass ending, I just love the dynamic of awkward, innocent first love where both are utterly nervous and terrified of fucking it up because they have no idea what they’re doing but also super excited and eager and so much in love. That trying to find how you fit with another person, slow but steady, until one day you’re seamless like it’s always been easy and effortless. Both imperfect but filling the spaces of the other perfectly.

[fallingintogracee]

Funnily enough I actually like what Eternals tried to do with Sersi and Ikaris, not every relationship is going to be filled with banter and overtly flirty behaviour (don’t get me wrong I love that too) but Sersi and Ikaris were more subtle than that, and I think that’s why people were turned off; they expected an in your face relationship but they played it more realistic, and grounded. One of my complaints is that so many of the MCU characters are morphing together; all quippy one liners, everyone has to be the comic relief; I enjoy characters that live outside of that trope and Sersi and Ikaris are a prime example of that; I still felt that they cared for each other deeply. We can maybe talk about how the chemistry wasn’t all the way there, but it was far from lacking. Yeah in the beginning Ikaris was hella awkward but not everyone is going to feel completely comfortable with someone from the get go. I enjoyed the awkwardness and fumbling. I felt connected enough that when the ‘reveal’ happened my heart broke for both of them.

[fallingintogracee]

I don’t know what to tell people who saw the movie and thought Ikaris wasn’t in love with Sersi; for me everything he did outside the mission was for her; to be with her. That is the reason we don’t see him having a life in the present; because he doesn’t have one; he retreated from society. Before he learns the truth we see him learning the humans language, partaking in their traditions he does that because he wants to be close to Sersi. In fact he tells her that; he knows the only way to be with her, to spent time with her is to learn to love the humans as she does. But then he learns the truth; that their mission isn’t to save the humans, it’s to preserve the planet for the birth of a celestial (and with the birth of a celestial the birth if millions of other planets, and millions of other lives) remember as humans we see Earth as the be all end all but Ikaris is looking at the bigger picture if celestials aren’t born then new life can’t begin blame Arishem it’s his flaw in the design. 

So for Ikaris to save earth is denying life to be born across the universe. He’s a solider; his loyal to Arishem and Ajak. But then he looks at Sersi; the woman he’s loved for thousands of years; he sees how in love she is with the humans and he can’t bare tell her the truth, he bares it for the both of them, for the whole family. So he retreats; leaves the only person who could make him feel ‘human’ who ‘grounded him’. He spends the rest of his time waiting for the birth of the celestial for them to be ‘reborn’ on another planet and for him to get to fall in love with Sersi all over again; because that’s the only way his sacrifice was truly worth it. Then a couple of days before the birth Ajak tells him the plan has changed: changed?! To Ikaris this means his sacrifice; giving up Sersi, living a live of solitude (he clearly has no one else) was all for nothing; of course he’d cling to his loyalty to Arishem; what about all the lives that needs to be born? What about the mission he’d spent thousands of years persevering; without Sersi that is his only purpose and who is he without a purpose? He never allowed himself to get close to the humans; because he knew they were going to die. 

So he kills Ajak (inadvertently) and thinks if he can keep the team busy he get through this; make it to the birth and then they’ll all be back together again on another planet as a family. Remember Ikaris was the only one who didn’t want the family to split up. But then Sersi learns the truth and the team want to stop it and his forced to act against them. I could go on about how in the final scene he went easy on them but I digress. The truth is out: his “did she?” when Sersi says Ajak loved him says it all. Did she love him? He now questions it; because why would she burden him with this if she loved him? Why would she have changed her mind and not even consulted him? If she did love him how could she let him carry such a heavy burden? Do the team even love him; are they even a family? All this swimming in his head. The reason Ajak made Sersi the leader is two fold one; she will protect the humans; and two; she is the one thing Ikaris can never kill. 

So he breaks free; finds Sersi and stands before her; ready to ‘kill her’ and he can’t. In that moment he chooses love; he chooses Sersi over the mission; over Arishem, over the grand design. Because in that moment he finally realises that she was worth more; that his family was worth more. So he can’t do it; can’t kill her; he fails, as a solider he has failed the mission. He has broken their trust, he had destroyed their family. So he apologises (not expecting anything in return) and flies off. He stares down at the earth and for the first time since he arrived he finally sees the beauty. A parallel to the opening scene when Sersi says “it’s beautiful isn’t it?” but he was only looking at her. Now he’s looking at the earth, at everything the humans had accomplished and yes Sersi was right it was beautiful, it was worth saving. So he flies off into the sun with acceptance; he knows Sersi is strong, knows she can lead the team; and finally with the true understanding of why she loved the humans he atones for his sin the only way he knows how; through death. 

…..

This is what I took away from it? Am I alone?

[fallingintogracee]

how do i burn with an unquenchable flame, that doesn’t extinguish with the world’s wind? 

[fallingintogracee]

there. the root. 

God where are you, why don’t i feel you?:’

i served, i tried but i feel like i disappointed myself so badly and I’m just breaking down in the damn toilet right now?? :’)

[fallingintogracee]

Father, please show me whenever I am not thinking in ways that will cultivate my heart for You so I can unroot that mindset

[fallingintogracee]

feature writing articles are fun but i got distracted

i really do love to write while i’m in the midst of doing a big project don’t i..

how can i lie when i say there’s still that small tingling feeling when it comes to jan 2020? i don’t know if it’s something i can fully heal from or something that i can fully come to terms with. to see you and look at you in the eyes without feeling pain is an achievement i have made over the past couple of months. you not remembering my birthday or even the things we used to talk about have caused my disappointment but the more i got disappointed, the less it started to hurt. i’m happy at the progress made and i’m thankful of how God has brought me and used to experience to pull me even closer to Him. 

maybe i don’t get disappointed anymore, but i do reminisce those days. i look back at my days in Australia and realize that i was truly happy and contented with talking to you. miles apart yet i felt home. i don’t think you’re someone i can so easily forget with just one flick of a finger, but you’ll be a person who stays in the deepest parts of my memories. 

i’ll always remember that feeling, a love that i’ve never felt before. is this what they call first love? the most unexpected yet fulfilling. and did i forget, heart-wrenching? that feeling makes me smile, watching old videos still make me smile. 

no i don’t feel for you anymore fam, but these moments will stick with me for a long long while. 

[fallingintogracee]

funny how i dreamt of you with someone else and maybe that is my greatest fear - to see you walk straight out of my sight and into the arms of another, to look at you and only to see you look at another

but who can lie, life is cruel, love is cruel