falling-rose1

[falling-rose1]

It is the most heart shattering thing when someone you love leaves this earth. My granny in many ways was a stubborn woman. A stubborn woman who had a tough life and maybe that’s what made her so wonderful to me where as everyone thought of her as such a mean lady I saw right through her and for me she was my best friend. She was old and got frustrated easy and as I was around her my whole life I took on a lot of her personality. I use to think that was a curse for my short tempered ways always seem to help me find my way in a mess but now a days I think of it as a blessing for she taught me that sometimes are anger was earned rightfully so. I remember it was always my favorite thing to do was drive down to see her I loved the road trip and the scenery for some reason every time I was there I truly felt at peace and home, an escape. I remember the warm summer days running through the grass and playing with the flowers for everyone reminded me how girls should act my grandma never picked at me but always gave nice compliments and made me feel pretty. She would take me to the princess tower we would call it an old castle in a field and every year I would run up the million of stairs till i reached the top of the castle but yet I was always scared of being so high. It looked over the water where all the boats were. Me and her always loved watching the boats and visiting the old antique stores. Some days go by and it’s easier than others to deal with the grieve of her not being here but even that makes me feel such guilt. For the longest time she has gone in and out of the hospital so many times so I never truly believed she would pass away already for she was very strong willed and stubborn I thought she would be just fine. And sure enough I was just getting off of work heading home to change out of my clothes for they smelled of food. I get home and start getting ready to see her and then there came the phone call my mom looked at me and told me she had past I went in my room and cried but I felt I was holding back. So for the whole week I remained strong for everyone. At the funeral I almost couldn’t bring myself to see her and yet with the little courage I found I walked up and saw her it felt so odd for to me she didn’t look quite like herself but how could she really. Thats when I felt my heart crack I rush to the back area away from prying eyes and cried my heart out it was such an odd thing to feel as though my heart was breaking into a million pieces all I could remember saying is it hurt so bad and it felt like I had lost a mother. That’s what grandmas really are for us like a second mother always there helping us grow and guiding us. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t miss her because grieve is for the hearts that love the people they’ll never get to see again. So I shall be grieving until it is my time to be one with the universe. 

[falling-rose1]

If your seeking me look in the shadows for I’ve been searching for bits of my broken heart there. searching, wondering where my heart has gone or how it could possibly beat any further. Tell me who you are looking for is it me or another you see within me. Tell me do I remind you of her in some way that you stuck to me and ripped me down piece by piece. Is it my laugh or is it the way I looked after you, is it the way I seemed naive when I gave you my heart so care free. I was so worried you would hurt me so maybe I set myself up for failure, cause yet again another deep regret yet again another lie, yet again I see the same person in different bodies. Tell me how much longer can my heart bare it.

[falling-rose1]

After all of this I think I have finally learned my lesson. I am so emotionally and mentally drained. I use to think I should give all of me even my bleeding heart and leave myself nothing left. I use to think that I could save people and love them back to health. But in truth I have always found myself wrong every man I come into contact with that needs saving drowns me to save himself. Takes and takes but never gives. Abuse me and leave me with self hatred. I’ve decided to stay in my little shell and for a man that smiles at me I shall look away and never give them any mind for I do not wish to be loved I do not wished to be sought out but to die alone would be happiness for me.

[falling-rose1]

I don’t want to talk right now, I just want to lay in the water and slowly sink in the comfort of the warmth around me. Don’t know where I am right now, I can’t seem to find her. I’ll try not to starve myself because I’m lost. Watching the blood go down my skin is somehow an odd comfort. I’ll tell myself it’s fine even though I dream of breaking out of my fat suit. Tell me where her smile or laugh has gone. The high wearing off brings me back to my sober reality. Sadness over whelming me dragging me back down for a while now I wait for the day I wake up and it’s gone. I’m sorry for I never intended to be so broken.

[falling-rose1]

Since I was little I was scared of the dark. I learned from a very young age that there was evil things that would reveal themselves only in the dark. I use to be in love with the dark believe it or not. I thought the most beautiful thing was that you could stand in the woods and listen to nature come out for they no longer had to hide from the humans that would hurt them. Little did I know that when people spoke of not wandering in the dark because there was monsters they weren’t talking about ugly creatures. They were talking about men. The men that would only reveal themselves in the dark. The men that would hurt you and leave scars upon your body and your soul. The dark does not scare me it is what reveals itself in it what scares me. For it has never been an animal to hurt me in the dark it has always been the nature of a human.

[falling-rose1]

He’s yet to realize I could love no other for he is the moon and I am the stars always admiring him no matter how far he may wonder.

[falling-rose1]

And as winter started to melt away so did the walls around my heart and within your warmth I found flowers beginning to bloom and sun shining so bright there was no darkness to be found in my heart.

[falling-rose1]

It is such an odd thing we give pieces of ourselves to those we love so willingly but when they leave they take those pieces with them. I guess I must have given you almost all of my heart for you have left me countless times. As the days pass on I feel more and more empty and unfulfilled. Though I feel as though a new person is beginning to grow and I can’t help but feel sad that you are not around to see who I’m becoming.

[falling-rose1]

Loving you was like drinking out of a glass half full it would always leave me wanting more. To this day I love you and I hate that I love you. Because you will never fill my glass fully you always come and give me just a taste to make me want you again. You see I never truly mourned you and now I have and I realized you hurt me all the time and I ignored it. I would have given everything up to see you and I know you wouldn’t even give one thing up to see me. We use to always argue who loved who more but in the end I think we both know. I stayed countless times and you would always chose to leave. I hope if we ever get the chance things will be different but I won’t hold onto that hope because it is draining and unfulfilling and most importantly heart breaking. 

[falling-rose1]

Bruises fall upon my skin like paint splatter. I ask myself how does this always seem to find me. I rest my head against my pillow knowing in the morning it will be filled with screams and pounding headaches. I close my eyes for I know when they will open my vision will be blurred with tears. I know the cold air is coming so I will be able to wear longer sleeves and no longer be asked why my arms are covered In bruises. I know I will cry myself to sleep and be the only one there to hold myself as I fall apart. I may not know why bad things always seem to find me but I know when I wipe my tears and look in the mirror and say you got this I go numb and it’s like nothing is happening anymore.

[falling-rose1]

I wish to fall into one of my books to meet the love of my life to take me away from all this pain and suffering but my life is not a book or a fantasy but just a reality the consist nagging and picking at me has completely destroyed who I am and now I wish for death to greet me at night and cradle Me in his arms

[falling-rose1]

Sometimes we hurt people while we ourselves are hurting it’s not on purpose sometimes a broken person just can’t make themselves love others it is not selfish of them it is only selfish of those who ask the broken to love them when they know they are not ready 

[falling-rose1]

I tried so hard to be better. to be what people wanted me to be a person full of yellow and all the beautiful bright colors but I am simply not that. I am full of blue and all the dark colors I am made of rainy days and cloudy skies. My eyes are full of misery and pain. I reach out for every person I grasp to always push me away. I am only full of pain and it is more clear to me lately all I do is work so eventually I can get away but I am scared that I will not come out of the fight as a winner. I am scared that I will lose and I will break before I ever get the chance to get away. I have to hold on until next summer but I am always losing my grasp on hope.

[falling-rose1]

I know I haven’t wrote about you in a while but don’t worry my child I have not forgotten about you. Some days I simply ignore how bad I feel how drained and in pain I am. All alone I lay here drowning in sorrow I reach my hand up out of the water to find no one is there to save me. This never ending pain that I would never wish upon a soul. I know now how bad it hurts to mourn a loss of something you have created. I know now that I can never have another child for I will not replace you with another. You were the light that I needed that I so wanted and I’m so sorry you were taken. My child do not fear for one day I will be there to hold you near. I shall see you in my sleep everytime I close my eyes for that is the only time I ever get to be with you.

[falling-rose1]

My little butterfly may you be as small and delicate as a flower but know as the sun shines down on you and the wind moves you please remember me look over me where ever I go for my tears shall be shared with the sky as it rains for no one knows the grieve I am going through for death would be a kind favor my dear child let all my paintings show the pain and where I wish you are for you shall only be in the most beautiful and precious of places for once death greets me I can finally hold you

[falling-rose1]

God can you tell me where my child has gone is he happy.Does he run in the grass and watch the flowers grow. Does he talk about me does he get to see me or is he still small and cries out for me because he is too little to speak his words just yet. Tell me god what will his first words be because I will never get to hear them. When will he lose his first tooth and who will he run to, to tell them all about it. Tell me god where has my child gone I look down and feel my empty womb for my baby has gone. Tell me god was he too innocent for such a curel world. Tell me god there must of been a mistake for you’ve taken my child too soon for I have never got to hold him. Tell me god does he look like what I see in my dreams. Tell me god does my child lay next to me while I sleep. Promise me this his inncocent eyes shall never cry a tear till I can one day hold him near.

[falling-rose1]

I use to think heartbreak was from mouths full of lies. From lovers who only gave you half but never all. From broken promises but now I know heartbreak is feeling your body go through a shattering pain. Hearing doctors says it’s very common. Going to the store and buying pregnancy test once a week just incase they were wrong. Heartbreak is grieving something you never got to have. Heartbreak is falling asleep and seeing a baby that looks like you but not exactly like you. Heartbreak is earth shattering and god fearing for I scream at the top of my lungs and ask why. I drive a little faster now more careless about my own life. But yet apart of me is still hoping there’s a baby growing in me but I realize it is only foolish to hope such a thing but if they say miracles are such a thing then let me have my miracle for everyday that goes by I feel myself grow more numb with no baby to fill my womb or warm my soul.