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I’m currently in long island right now and just been crying for hours. Honestly i dont really understand why. I guess im just frustrated that i had a small argument with amy and i ruined the day. I’m really frustrated at myself for being so overwhelmed with emotions. I’m frustrated at myself for being “depressed”. I’m frustrated that im too exhausted to talk about what im struggling with without getting emotional. Im frustrated that i feel like i have no one safe to talk to about these feelings i have in general or just actually about myself.

Maybe i’m just really that insecure that i’m being triggered with emotions. I hate that i have to be this way in long island. I think it’s bringing up a lot of old unresolved feelings and therefore triggering even more. I feel really stuck right now because i really just dont have the energy to even do anything about it right now. All i can do is just lay and watch videos. I have absolutely no motivations to do anything.

i feel like i’m faking my excitement to myself. I’m excited but i still feel just blank. I dont want to say empty because i’m grateful. But i guess overall im just really confused. Things are actually going good for myself externally but internally i just feel numb or hollow. I dont get it. Im frustrated at myself for feeling this way when i do believe that i have more than others. I have my mom and my sister and myself. What is so missing that i’m feeling this way.

I’m noticing myself disassociating more than before. It’s almost like thinking or feeling anything is just so exhausting to me so my mind just goes blank and i disassociate. Did i always have this and have been distracting myself?

Feeling super down and stuck and frustrated in this bed is very familiar. Childhood and adulthood. When i was frustrated w my life in long island and when i was heart broken from Luis. Maybe i’ve always been this way.

I’m embarrassed to see amy because im emotional and ruin things. I hate the awkward distance i created. I hate that i have no energy or courage to make things lighter. I hate that i cant or dont even want to do anything at all.

I really wish i can call someone right now. I guess i actually don’t have anyone i feel safe with. I dont want to give off a needy emotional energy to amy or anyone. I honestly truly feel horrible right now. It’s like absolutely no dopamine is producing in my brain and the stupid half filled coffee was the last straw that broke the camels back.

Thinking about going to work tomorrow is really hard for me right now. All i want to do is bury myself in blankets and pillows and lay and do or think nothing at all. All i know is that my heart’s been shattered for awhile now. It’s like a heart ache you get from breaking up with someone but it doesn’t make sense that i keep feeling this way. Ive felt this heartbreak since the heartbreak and i’m thinking, is Luis still impacting my emotions?

No. I think I’m just still grieving the loss of knowing that i no long er have someone i’ve bonded and felt safe with.

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Everything’s been so intense.

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Trusting the process..

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Not too bad today

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I’m learning a lot about myself from this isolation and solutidity.

I’ve been noticing that i’ve been even more self conscious than ever before. I might have actually had a very low self esteem.

It was just masked by friends, social media, social status and parties.

Now that those are all taken away, i’m thinking to myself- maybe i’ve always been really self conscious. If i was super self conscious about myself when i was young and immigrated to America, it probably is still there.. i just masked it or maybe i filled it with material and validation from others. Maybe i never actually overcame it as much as i thought i did but just found ways to paint over it as i grew older and had more access of tools to do it.

Of course i dont want to disregard the effort i made to be who i became. I do consider myself confident. Which is pretty strange to think that i can be confident with who i am and my thoughts but i’m also self conscious. It could possibly be because of what i’ve been going through and being alone in my thoughts. But i’ve really been thinking about the pattern of my behavior and how my body reacts and thinks to certain things. Why does it make me feel so anxious and upset? It’s because i feel that im not enough.

Have i always felt that way?

Possibly.

If i look at how long i’ve been holding onto my toxic relationship with my ex, no matter how much it has traumatized and damaged me, i blamed myself. Sounds cliche but it was myself telling whatever i needed to to not feel so stupid for choosing to keep coming back to him.

Like he’s the only person that truly knows me. He’s the only person i can always be myself.

There’s no one like him that will love and understand me as he does.

He’s the only person that truly cares about me.

And i still do believe that.. in a.. toxic strange relationship we have.

But i realize that this relationship is not right. If i choose happiness for me, i know for a fact he’s not the one. He won’t change and that’s always who he is. And again, like i have said before.. God has his way of reminding and showing me that. Coincidentally. But it’s not really coincidental.. is it?

Like the paint that peels of when you use an object, it’s only a matter of time you’ll see what’s really underneath. That’s the same for me. Everything that has “protected” and “distracted” me has been stripped off and now i need to be face the truth. It hurts and makes me shake but somehow it’s comforting. It’s kind of like ripping off the bandage or deep cleaning a house that was neglected. It’s hard but it needs to be done and you know when you’re ‘doing it’- you’re doing it for a good reason. To become a person that won’t need novocaine anymore.

I do want to feel proud of myself. And give myself a lot of compassion. Care for my inner child that’s been neglected for so long. And i want to be understanding and forgiving.

I guess sometimes something really bad and scary needs to happen for you to face everything.

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It grosses me out when i think about sex

It makes me feel really uncomfortable thinking about it with other people but it’s not so bad with my ex. I’m observing my thoughts and feelings and giving compassion to myself like how i learned from therapy so it helps. But it makes me feel really bad about myself when i want to be held especially when i feel lonely. Sometimes i think i’m going through this particular thing because God is putting me in an environment to get stronger and work through my trauma. And i know, it’s definitely something i need to process in order for me to grow into the person ive always wanted to be. I’ve distracted myself from it for too long. This solitude has made me reflect back on some of the choices i’ve made and how i’ve ignored my values and and myself.

My life has changed quite a bit. Thanks to my studies, i have a good reason to isolate myself from others but without this reason, i’d be completely lost. I’ve been making different choices than what i used to do to distract myself. I no longer want to waste my time or give anyone myself that doesn’t deserve it. Even if i’m direct and confrontational, that usually doesn’t happen until my feelings eventually get processed and comes out sideways. So before then, i’d be a yes man. Then everything comes crashing into rage. I do not want to put myself in that position.

I’m glad i cut off most people. I think i cut off at least 90% of people. They no longer serve me. It’s not what i want to be anymore. I think i’m making process.. but i’m worried if i wont be able to connect with other people in the future. I can’t trust and always think they have ulterior motives and it’s making me worry if i’ll be alone forever.

The other day, i watched this youtube video with tarot cards. I’m not believer in tarot cards or horoscopes but i take interest with curiosity and for entertainment. It was titled, “a miracle that would happen to you soon”. I picked out a deck and the cards read that there was a “travel” and “lines of connections formed” from that, i’ll meet someone that will be love and friendship. We will dissipate eachother’s anger and be supportive of eachother. It made my heart flutter. I know how tarot and horoscopes work- you can translate anything that’s apparent in your life but that gave me hope. I honestly always dreamed of having that one person who’s my person. And i always thought it would be my ex. But God has his ways of showing signs that he’s not. I’ve tried to fit him into pieces that didn’t fit even though i always knew. I can only hope that a person like that exists for me.

I guess im going through a process of healing. Timing works in crazy ways. It hurts a lot but i’m glad i’m facing them now. I know what i really want now and in order to have that, i need to heal first. It’s going to take a really long time. Because some of the things, i dont know what to do or how to confront them. But i hope this tightly tangled yarn in my heart will start to loosen and untangle and free me from distention and anger. So i can breathe.

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I literally fucking hate myself lol

I literally

Want to

Crawl out of

My fucking

Skin

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Woke up today feeling really down and heart broken.

I had a long talk with my friend yesterday. I told her i’m worried this is the point of my life where it’s my downfall. I’m scared if i won’t recover and carry this weight and wound on me forever. I know i’ll be better.. it’s just a matter of time but naturally i just can’t help these thoughts. Maybe it’s because i’m in isolation and thinking too much. Stress is overwhelming. Theres so much i need to do. Study for my board and sell my furnitures and move out by August.. i dont even know where to start. I really hope things get better and i’ll be able to relax and be in peace. I do believe that this is all something i need to endure and go through in order to grow.

I’m grateful for the things i have and where i’m at. When this all resolves and i’m in a better place, i will do more good and never take mental wellness for granted. I’ll have more compassion and radiate kindness. I guess i can say that this phase in my life is very humbling and there’s really nothing to life than peace and kindness. I think that’s happiness.

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june 22 2023

i found out a few weeks ago that a few others have also seen the instagram since the account is still coming up on suggestions. 

it has impacted my life negatively in so many different ways.. i was outgoing and confident but now i’m self conscious and beginning to isolate myself from others. i can't believe it's been less than a year when all this had happened but inside, now i feel so different. I’ve been putting up this facade that i’m fine and strong but it’s actually exhausting me from having this anger, humiliation and sadness. this has made me so sensitive that i’m constantly having assumptions of what my friends and family think of me which is resulting in pushing them away and isolating myself. it has delayed my progress with studying for my boards since i would either get fixated on finding out what more he is posting or having multiple days of being sucked into this vicious cycle of emotional shame, fear, depression and anxiety… and the guilt of not being productive would only eat away my self esteem.

this has really put a huge dent in my heart and now i'm experiencing symptoms like ptsd. my heart pounds randomly throughout the day just like when i discovered that my friends and employers got messages from him, and then the IG account, then multiple websites with my nudes posted. i’m thankful for the team that has my back and i can’t imagine the state i’d be in without them. and i empathize with the other girls that have fallen victim into this and have no way of fighting back... i hope they stay strong and they find people who will make them feel protected and cared for.

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121922

why would instagram permanently take down my ig but they haven't taken down this ig that's torturing me. life is not fair

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121922

he updated the ig account again. there's pictures of me that i could ruin my life. i feel so stupid. i hate myself.

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121522

exhausted

he made an ig account of me. every time i think, "he won't go that far"... he does. im starting to obsess over all the things he's been doing to hurt me. i find myself looking at the posts over and over again. he keeps following people i know and changing the bio to frame me as a prostitute, thief and an impersonator. im devastated. going out has been hard for me. i'm afraid i'll run into someone and i'd have to explain why my ig is down.. and for them to choose not to believe me. i keep googling my name. i keep looking over my shoulder when i'm walking home. these anxiety attacks come randomly just like my sad thoughts lately. it keeps me up at night. i want to puncture my chest so that it'll pour out.. so i won't feel so trapped with my emotions.