failurebydesign87

[failurebydesign87]

The Hardest Goodbye

I hope you never do to someone else what you did to me. I don’t know if you changed or if you were always like this and I never saw. I never stopped to think you’ve only been in one other relationship before me and that was mainly long distance too. Maybe it was never as real for you as it was for me, but you gave me the impression you were serious and that was wrong of you. I am disappointed to have seen the real you all too late. The worst part is, why you wasted my time, I’ll never know. You turned out to be this passive aggressive coward. I can’t even reconcile you are the same person I once knew, capable of such cruelty and unfeeling. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to ghost out of a 6 year relationship, especially if you live with that person- but oh man did you prove me wrong. You managed to do just that. I don’t know how you can go through life like this. It’s not only immature, but disrespectful. I would NEVER do this to you. But now I’m realizing I was the only one that actually cared. I was extremely patient and understanding these past two years. I kept giving your behavior excuses- you’re depressed, you’re going through something... I should have left then, but you kept giving me false hope and mixed messages. Again cruel. Absolutely evil to string me along and keep lying about how you feel and what you want. You moved in with me with no actual intension of marrying me, something I said would have to accompany the other. You treated me like trash, after SIX YEARS, and made me jump through hoops thinking I was fixing things, when you actually checked out long ago. It is FUCKED UP. I DID NOT DESERVE THIS. You really think I didn’t deserved to be treated with even A MINIMAL amount of human decency? After all our time together? And to add insult to injury, you force me to do the breaking up, doing your dirty work. Disgusting. Real fucking low. I was VERY clear in my letter that if you never came to talk to me it would be your own doing. So remember that. Know that. Never forget you did this. All this says about you is that you are a coward and you have no respect for me. I even gave you chances to ‘get out.’ I asked you several times if you wanted to be in this relationship, you never took it.

It hurt you chose alcohol over me. I love you so much. This was the only abuse I could not allow myself to live with. I did not deserve to be treated that way. It was like being in a relationship with a rock. A rock that would get wasted every other night and start ‘nothing’ fights. I have never been hurt like this in my entire life. I want to say, even more than when I was raped twice in one night. 

To make things worse I quit my job, thinking you had my back. And yeah, I didn’t like my job, but we both know I wanted to be there for you. And I thought if I didn’t have to travel so much, things might start to feel more normal. I didn’t take this decision lightly and we did discuss it together and it was a joint decision. I later sense you might have felt a type of way about this, but you never said. 

To top everything off, I was powerless and had no choice but to keep living with you. You are lucky I did not treat you how you deserve or how you treat me. You could barely treat me like a roommate. Oh yeah sure, you’re sleeping on the couch “for me” so you don’t wake me up, when all you fucking did was keep me up and hurt me feelings. God, you really can’t be honest about anything? What other things were lies?

And in addition to forcing me to do the breaking up and not giving me any closure or reason- you flat out REFUSE to have an adult conversation about the apartment, belongings, money, etc. When I asked what your plan was you just stared blankly at me and pretended nothing was happening. This astounds me. You are either a complete asshole or you need serious fucking help or both. And it doesn’t stop there. Knowing full well I am in love with you, you decide to mess with my head even further. Lying to me about finally wanting to talk when I got back from burying my grandfather, kissing me when I was having a panic attack, and fucking offering to get me cake on my birthday. So manipulative. New fucking lows.

This letter is mostly for me because I know you don’t give a shit and I don’t expect you to anymore. And for some reason I don’t deserve an explanation for why you did all of this, which is the WORST part, so I am reclaiming MY OWN CLOSURE. You must be such a selfish person. 

I don’t think there are words to describe how hurt, heartbroken, and betrayed I feel. I really wanted to spend my life with you. And I’m working on accepting that for some reason or another it wasn’t right. I know I love you because even though I am so hurt and so angry, I DO love you. I love you and I would never have hurt you like this. I am not saying I was perfect, but I KNOW I didn’t do anything to deserve being treated like this. 

I suspect you have a drinking problem. I’m sorry that I could not help or that I wasn’t enough. I hope one day you get real, actual proper help. But you have to want it first and be honest with yourself. The way I was treated is unforgivable. I still can’t believe you are the same person and that you were capable of this. So if you wanted me to feel stupid, congratulations, you won. 

[failurebydesign87]

Self Sabotage

It didn’t start out this way.