exvangelicalletters-blog

[exvangelicalletters-blog]

The future you is cheering you on right now

[exvangelicalletters-blog]

Why are you so angry?

Your anger is dangerous and wrong, they tell you, former self. It will lead to destruction and despair. It makes your mother cry. It scares your siblings. It moves your father to violence. Your anger is ungodly, they tell you. It's a sign you lack control. You're rebellious.

They tell you a lot of things about yourself, former me. What they don't tell you is that anger is a sign of your boundaries being ignored, crossed, overrun.

So tell me: why are you angry?

[exvangelicalletters-blog]

Confidence & Belonging

When you walk into church today, confident in your belonging, you cannot imagine how precious that confidence is, or how tenuous. You can’t imagine how you would feel today walking through those doors, seeing those people, hearing those songs. Picture your favorite outfit. Something comfortable, like a worn-in pair of jeans and a cozy sweater that’s not too fuzzy or scratchy. Or maybe a dress that you like to wear on Sundays. One that fits well. One that feels like armor. And imagine one day putting on that outfit, only for it to fit badly -- too small in some places, stretched in others -- and stab you all over as if filled with lost pins. 

Right now, you live comfortably and confidently in one world. You know how it works. You know the facts. You know the songs and verses and principles, the rules written and unwritten. For the most part, you follow them. Even the people you dislike or disagree with are safe, because you belong with them. They have history with you, your parents, your entire world. And you think you have power because of that belonging. 

You don’t. Your only “power” in belonging is in shaming and shouting and shutting others out. It’s not power if you’ll be ostracized at the first hint of stepping out of line. 

Confidence is a heady drug. You’re so sure, evangelical me. Ready to go toe-to-toe with all the people who are wrong -- you know they’re wrong. You think the world is deluded, evil, dangerous. 

Sometimes I envy you. That confidence and belonging is so seductive. You rest easy in your community, ears closed tightly to any who pierce your protective shell. Confidence and belonging are hard to leave; a reward, a drug, a threat. 

Why would you ever give that up? 

Someday, former me, you’ll realize that your confidence and belonging are a lie. They’re predicated on performance. The performance is already wearing on you. That churning sickness in your stomach? The burnt electricity under your skin? The vise around your lungs? Your body is telling you what your mind won’t believe, former me. This is not the life for you. It’s not safe. 

Your belonging is a house of cards riding a raft in the open ocean. When it collapses, no one will help you rebuild. No one will keep you safe. 

Does that shake your confidence? Here is what you can have in place of confidence: love that heals instead of hurts; a sense of worth beyond your usefulness; compassion that doesn’t require your compliance; freedom from authority-required hatred; truth about yourself and your place in the world. 

Stepping away from that confidence and belonging will shake you to your core, former me, but you’ll be better for it.