exgenderavenger

[exgenderavenger]

I’m sure this happened a long time ago, but moving to a new place has made me realize that 

(a) I’m not really recognizable as some kind of gay or trans anymore, especially to straight people. I can try to be by dressing a certain way, but that doesn’t really feel safe where I’m living and, increasingly, doesn’t really feel like me.

(b) As a result, I don’t really share many common experiences with queer/trans people anymore. At least not the important ones. And I can ~identify~ as bi or trans all I want [and I am those things], but that doesn’t change the fact that my relationship is functionally straight and I am assumed to be cis unless I tell someone otherwise. 

(I really don’t believe in the weirdly universal if-one-person-is-queer-it’s-a-queer-relationship theory. There is such a difference between being in a relationship that’s read as opposite-sex and being in a relationship that’s read as same-sex.)

and ( c) My past identities/presentations have very little influence in my day-to-day experiences or interactions with others since basically no one know about them-- only my girlfriend and maybe my neighbors if our mutual friends said anything. All it means is that I don’t understand straight people and I don’t fit in with the gays anymore.

I’ve had several interactions in the past two weeks where people basically treated me like someone totally immune to any kind of systemic oppression (or totally unable to even understand what that’s like). Which, I now realize, is a reasonable assumption for them to make. 

It’s just got me feeling some extreme impostor syndrome, and some very strange regret because there are some aspects of this I definitely chose. 

[exgenderavenger]

Like, if a conversation is gonna be had abt ‘people are trying to claim (trans) identities so they can avoid accountability” there are lots of groups that this conversation could include:

Cafab nonbinary people who don’t meaningfully present any differently but suddenly have a stake in trans-ness and a way of avoiding responsibility for transphobia

Cafab transsexuals who claim nonbinary identity but move thru the world as men, or maybe previously identified as men

The recent revival of conceptualizing Butch lesbians on T who go by male names and he/him pronounsand present masculinely but none of those things actually have to do w gender somehow

cafab detransitioners

Like, all these groups could conceptually have secret abusive actors within them who are manipulating these identity/social conventions to leverage power over trans people, women, or maybe even some hypothetical group who are both trans and women. But it always seems to revolve around one group of people who are seen as the invasive manipulators, and it always happens to center around birth assignment…I wonder why?

[exgenderavenger]

somethin’ i am a little bit sick of is that because i am a 6′2 trans woman, i often get people commenting on my selfies with things like “please step on me” and “i want you to beat me up”. what is it about me that makes you think i’d want to do either of those things? i am very gentle and also my body is chubby and weak and i get fatigued from walking up anything steeper than a 20 degree angle hill, i’m definitely not going to have the energy to defeat you in combat.

[exgenderavenger]

me: hey the world is kinda a shit place to be trans sometimes, for example legal discrimination and also people attacking us ally: don’t worry! You’re fuckable!! You can be attractive and beautiful! You’ll get thru this, you wondrous beauty!!!

[exgenderavenger]

gay culture is your parents finding undeniable proof that you’re gay when you’re a preteen/teen and them still throwing around homophobic slurs and ideals in front of you

[exgenderavenger]

So I spent a few hours with some Facebook acquaintances planning an in-person event for bisexual people to do some planning/discoursing/kvetching re: bisexuality in LGBTQ spaces. As planning was wrapping up, I said, “we really need to make it clear that this is open to trans people.” And the response was, “absolutely, but no men!” 

And like ?????? Did no one consider that I... might be a man? That there might be other bisexual men? 

So now there’s something entirely different happening that’s open to “women, femmes, and non-men,” which is just the most infuriating and unproductive way to group people in LGBTQ spaces except in very specific circumstances.

[exgenderavenger]

This is very wrong. Khakis and a polo is the unofficial uniform of straight white people everywhere

i’ve discovered that if you wear khakis the outfit is automatically gay

[exgenderavenger]

Hey there! I noticed in a post recently you had a current picture and touched on your hair loss. I'm pre-T, post-top surgery and have been having hesitations with starting testosterone partially because of the inevitable hair loss (it runs in my family, so). How did you deal with losing your hair? Did it change your perception of yourself? Or did all the other changes make up for it? Thanks for your time!

Hair loss was inevitable due to genetics for me too. I enjoyed getting ridiculous hair cuts my first three years on T– lots of undercuts and fauxhawks and some retro 50s styles. And then when it started getting noticeably thinner on top in addition to the receding hairline, I buzzed it all off and grew out my beard. 

Honestly, it was pretty great, and I should’ve done it sooner. I instantly looked my age. I’m 26 now, and I think if I had my hair I’d still look like a college student, which is not something I want as I work with kids and need to give an impression of Adult Authority. I started passing 100% of the time. People (even trans people) are floored when I say I’m trans mostly because of the hair/beard combo– I don’t “look trans” anymore. I was never too consciously concerned with passing as male or cis before, but when it actually became 100% of the time, it was a HUGE relief. Pre-transition, I had very short/buzzed hair most of the time and it made my face look very feminine, but because of all the other changes T has brought, I think it makes me look more masculine than longer, boy-ish hair.

I miss being able to change/style my hair, and I am a little jealous of guys with full heads of hair because I can’t follow hair trends anymore (no man bun for me!).  But I have a lot more gender confidence without hair. I can wear pink or florals or nail polish (and do, frequently!) without anyone doubting that I’m a man. I never would have predicted it going in, but losing my hair + growing facial hair had just as much of an affect on my transition/dysphoria as top surgery and the body/face shape changes from testosterone.

[exgenderavenger]

is it bad that I want to become pregnant one day

[exgenderavenger]

My ex boyfriends from pre-transition always start their "harmless reaching out to be friends" msgs with like "hey dude" or something. No one who actually interacts with me in real life ever does the weird hypermasculine bro thing with me, unless it's ironic. I never to how to respond to said ex boyfriends, and I need them to work out their fragile heterosexual identities elsewhere.

[exgenderavenger]

I’m... 80% stealth at work. Lately, I’ve been eating lunch with a few of my colleagues instead of alone in my basement office like my true introvert self wants. 

Today the French teacher was talking about how she’s signed up for these prenatal classes about breastfeeding, labor, etc. because she’s just about to pop out her first kid. In the middle of lunch, she got a call from the hospital to confirm her attendance and came back into the room pretty visibly upset. She kept brushing it off and then said, “I’m married to a woman, and they asked me if my husband wanted to sign up for Daddy Daycare classes while I was doing my classes.” And like immediately the other two teachers get very quiet and then start talking about how it’s sexist that there are Daddy Daycare classes because dads are parents, not babysitters, which, like, yes, that’s an issue, but it wasn’t the issue. So I talk about how it’s unacceptable that this is happening in Boston of all places, how they shouldn’t assume the gender of anyone involved in a childbirth, how of course she’s not overreacting because childbirth classes are probably vulnerable weird places and worrying about homophobia on top of that won’t help anything, etc. And everyone just sort of stared... and the French teacher looked a little calmer but also just kept staring at me. 

The space between ally and community is weird sometimes. Part of me wanted to be like, “That is fucked up, and I can empathize because I too have experienced fucked up medical providers in very similar ways.”  And I would’ve if it had just been the French teacher and me, but it would’ve been too awkward with the other teachers there.

Idk... I gotta get better at navigating this insider/outsider space more gracefully before I get to grad school. It’s gonna end up being my career, pretty much.

[exgenderavenger]

I visited Ye Olde Quaker Liberal Arts College, and R convinced me that I needed to recreate this exquisite selfie from April 2009. Things I miss from being 18 include having super nice skin, my facial piercings, and plenty of hair. Things I don’t miss include EVERYTHING ELSE.

[exgenderavenger]

Called Boston Medical Center about possible getting a hystorectomy in July. They will return my call in 9-10 business days? Healthcare in Boston is so fucked. There are so, so many doctors, yet none of them are ever seeing new patients. 

Also, there is so little info available online about trans men and hystos. I get that there’s a lot of reasons for this, the main ones being-- 

(1) It’s a very common procedure for cis women, unlike top surgery/double mastectomy, so there’s not a huge need for circulating basic info since it is mostly the same. 

(2) Most of the transmasculine presence online skews very young and towards folks earlier in transition when most people medically transitioning are focusing on testosterone and top surgery.

(3) Basically every form of bottom surgery for trans men carries a lot of stigma.

So whenever I get this done, I’ll write as much about it as I can.

[exgenderavenger]

Do I want a hysto before I start grad school? Or would that be a terrible way to spend my summer? If I don’t do it now, when will I again have health insurance that covers it and the time to deal with recovery? 

[exgenderavenger]

i think that scene in the l word where alan cumming’s character and max have sex was some sort of latent seed that is responsible for my latest gender issues

[exgenderavenger]

honestly i rlly hate a lot of trans body positivity posts cause they mostly seem to center around triggering ppl’s dysphoria and telling them their bodies are ok when like man if our bodies were ok dysphoria wouldn’t be a thing

[exgenderavenger]

trans as a pre-existing condition

I’ve seen a few misconceptions about insurance coverage of transgender people and wanted to make it very clear that I was denied coverage because I was trans.

One caveat: my employer is not eligible for a group plan, so I applied as an individual; groups are assessed differently (risk is pooled).  I applied for a PPO policy from Humana, one that would have cost about $350 per month, and would not have covered any trans related procedures anyways, not even prescriptions.

I was told I was denied over the phone, but asked the following questions via email afterwards and received the response below.

Thanks for being up front with me last week about not being able to insure me. If you don’t mind, I have a couple of questions.

First, I just wanted to confirm that the denial is because of a pre-existing condition.

Second, I’d like to clarify what, according to Humana, is the pre-existing condition? I have not been diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder), or any other condition, so it’s not clear to me how this would be noted. Does Human consider being transgender itself as a pre-existing condition?

Third, to best of your knowledge, if being trans is considered a pre-existing condition, will it no longer be a reason for denying coverage beginning in 2014 (assuming the law is upheld)? If so, would I be free to apply again next year?

Finally, do you happen to know the reasoning behind such denial? As far as I can tell, none of the surgery trans people often have would be covered anyways, so I’m not sure what extra risk someone like me represents.

Exact response from Humana:

You were declined for treatment for gender identity disorder. We do not accept persons using any prescriptions for gender change. 

Although no one can predict future claims for a person, a large group of persons with such treatment can be expected to submit more claims than a like group with no such treatment. For an individual policy, we are unable to price the premium for this increased likelihood of claims.

Unless altered, the current law will eliminate the denial of all pre-existing conditions as of 1/1/14. At that time, everyone can apply for medical insurance and cannot be denied.

Note: I have NOT been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, and GID appears nowhere in my application or medical records.  I listed spironolactone and estradiol in the list of my current prescriptions.  I was later asked about this by an underwriter and I explained that I had transitioned from male to female.  I’m a patient of Howard Brown Health Center in Chicago, which uses an “informed consent” model of treatment, allowing one to undergo HRT without a GID diagnosis.  As far as the insurance company is concerned, however, treatment is equivalent to diagnosis.

While the Affordable Care Act should eliminate denial of coverage to trans people based on a preexisting condition, I will not be surprised if companies find a way around it.