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I wanted to feel nothing

Because it was easier than the other option

The wanting and the heartache

But you kept pushing

And I feel like you knew it

You knew I would fall hard

I told you enough about my past for you to predict what would come next

And here’s the thing

It’s wrong

But it makes me feel so right

And I think you’ll never know

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On the second night I almost said I love you

Instead I said I had never felt this way about someone before.

And you said the same thing

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I used to think of love

As my Mount Everest,

And I was never even sure I would get to the base to start the climb.

I used to think of love

As the emptiness in the pit of my stomach;

A hunger that might never be filled.

I used to think of love so differently

Than I do now.

It hurts so good and stings so sweetly.

It feels like gasping for air and reaching for something to hold onto.

It is all consuming.

The most terrifying thing I have ever felt.

You may not want me after all of this,

But i am forever different.

I think of love as you.

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When I saw the picture of you and her,

I spent the weekend getting all dolled up just to take pictures of myself out in the world, with an empty space for you to imagine yourself there next to me.

Instead of her.

My body craved to be seen by you

And wanted.

I saw you and her together and all I could think was

I need to stop this

Just to see if I can.

Just to see if you meant it when you told me it would always be me.

I told you a long time ago that we would never work,

And I still believe that,

But there is that wanting part of me that wants to be wanted so much that it is willing to drag me and you back into this whirlwind of unhappiness.

This will end the same way it always has:

Me shutting down, remembering that this is not what I want.

You not understanding and trying to change for me.

Us forgetting we can’t blur the lines and crossing them over spilled drinks.

Me running away.

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Even though

The air is colder now

And you can’t look at me in the eye

Even though

I am a liar

And too selfish to make room for you

Even though

Love is not real

Not in the forever kind of way

I could have sworn for a moment there

Everything was right.

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instagram | lilyana_london

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““I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want a steady hand, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe.””

— Shana Abé (via naturaekos)

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5.6.19

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