everyounceofhate

[everyounceofhate]

And people wonder why I have abandonment issues.

Fuck you, Gin.

That's it. That's the post.

[everyounceofhate]

1/16/23 - 1/17/23

I got a surprising amount done yesterday. The start and end of my day definitely wasn’t planned out, anyway.

Went with Tristan to go pick up Getchen’s car in Tomah. Pretty standard trip. There was an accident on the highway we’d be coming back on that we saw on the way there, so we took a different way home to avoid it. I was pleased I was able to navigate it.

Got a straightener from Grace, didn’t stay in for game night. It looked like they were playing a Harry Potter game anyway that I would have abstained from on principle.

Straightened that brown wig and went to service night at Crucible. It was slow. Talked with Sara and Moselle and Ben(?) I think his name is? 

I saw two guys on the road out from Crucible and stopped to ask them if they were okay or if they needed a ride. One said they needed money, but I said I didn’t have any cash. They were very nice and polite and one told me to drive careful. I thought it was very sweet.

I went to Mickey’s after and played pool with Rob against two other guys, Shawn and Chris. Got annoyed at Mickey’s and talked it out with Rob a bit.

I’m tired of men being leery motherfuckers all the time. There was a guy who came in that I met last week, GT, who was making Billy, Shawn, Rob and I laugh by doing accents. I remember Rob said he saw him later and he asked about me, “the girl with the accent”, which I thought was interesting. GT came in on Monday and saw me, started telling me how good I looked and asked for my number right off. I was pretty put out. I thought he’d be interested in talking more, not just... being sleazy. Shawn and Chris too, in a weird way, were just really into playing pool with me. 

I shot 4 balls in a row in on my final shot, plus the 8 ball, which I usually have to chase around. Then I hit their last ball and knocked it in, plus the cue ball--that was really amazing in retrospect. But I was just so pissed about them being there I wanted to just be done with the game.

I met a girl named Kess who apparently told Rob she thought I was cool. Beyond bizarre. I don’t know why that keeps happening.

Rob and I went back to his new place he’s sharing with Alex. Alex has his girlfriend (?) Lorelee over, she was extremely cool. Living part time in London doing a PhD looking at monastic maps. It was nice to have an intellectual conversation with her while she and Alex played Donkey Kong. I felt like we got along very well.

Rob and I slept together. It was pretty nice. He’s more handsome than he gives himself credit for. I like looking at his face. The more I look at it, the more handsome I find him, in the niches and cracks. We had to sleep on his single-wide bed, not ideal, but we both seemed to fit just fine cuddling.

He asked me some questions about how I’d feel if things stopped between us, and about keeping it casual. I don’t know if he was trying to fish for something or not. He has a a date tonight with some girl named Chloe that he met at a party? I guess he’s not expecting anything, but he still asked if I’d be okay if things got serious between them and he had to break it off with me. I told him we’d cross that bridge when we got to it. 

Truthfully, I don’t know how I’d feel. I think I wouldn’t care? I like Rob, but I’m not in love with him or anything. He’s comfortable to spend time with, easy to be around. But he doesn’t make my heart leap. but, then again, nothing really does anymore.

I told him when I dropped him off at his car today not to forget to buy a gift for his sister’s baby shower. It felt very domestic in a comforting way. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe, subconsciously, I was trying to feel... normal? I don’t know.

Came home, went back to bed. Slept until 5. 

Got my application for the library in! We’ll see what comes of that.

Uh. In other news. I found Ryan again.

Bad idea, this. Fuck. I know it’s a bad idea. I miss him. In some weird, fucked up way, I miss him a lot. He moved to Palm Bay. I found his car outside his new place on google maps. Same bumper stickers on that dumb Kia Soul. But, that means he didn’t get picked up by los federales at least. Gracias, Malverde.

I messaged a number that is supposedly his too, but no response. That’s probably a good idea. I think he’s still with Ana. Unfortunately.

I keep thinking of sending him mail. A postcard. A letter. A package. Something to tell him I’m still here. I still know. I can still find him, even after 4 years.

4 years. Shit.

[everyounceofhate]

1/15/2023

I think Paul or my Dad said recently I should start writing down things that happen day to day so I remember who I’ve talked to or what I’ve done, so I might try to get in the habit. That way I can have a clearer record of what I’m dealing with. Anyway.

Didn’t get to sleep until about 8am, woke up around 2ish, but I looked online and saw I didn’t have any replies from Cill about Beck/Olivia shipping, or any tags, so I went back to bed. Ended up blowing Derek off on hanging out but he was kind of expecting it.

Got out of bed around ~4. Got upset Eren was taking so long in the shower and had a minor breakdown because I couldn’t have a shower before D&D.

D&D was good. I honestly think it went better without Gretchen there playing Kinder as a little shit. Semavi reunited with Insene (In-sen) and flirted with her in game. We met Todrick, Samus, and Wrigley on the road. I had a feeling something was up with them since they were supposedly “traders” but didn’t have any goods and later on in some 1-on-1 roleplay with Tristan where Semavi looked in on them, I discovered they were escaped slaves from Ket. I gave them each a silver and told them in exchange for overlooking them killing soldiers on the road to freedom (which they aren’t supposed to do) I’d appreciate them keeping an ear out for any information for me.

Faruque the Wise was talking to Kaleb in a Tavern. I did an alignment check and discovered he’s evil. Faruque cased me and knows Semavi by reputation, but we seem to have an understanding. At least I hope so. Semavi told Thana that Kaleb was evil but mentioned it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

EJ made a really cute drawing of Semavi with “the kids” and it made me smile. I put it on the piano. I think I might get it framed, honestly. It’s so cute. I love it a lot.

I talked with EJ about Clown Camp and they seemed interested. I’ll message Liz about it. I’m mostly worried about them being able to afford it--I’m not even sure I’LL be able to afford it. Also, EJ is twelve? What the actual fuck.

I wrote out some plot notes to Cill about Beck and Olivia and sent some ideas to mogget too. Not posts yet today but I might bang one out to keep on it. I wrote like 5-6 yesterday and broke 40k total on the writerbot. I was pretty proud of that. I’m at ~9800 words for my yearly goal. Another proud moment.

Went to Pick and Save with Tristan for some essentials, aka Pepsi. 

Today I Ate: -Steak Hibachi -White Rice -Mac and Cheese Bites Thought more about selling OhM and I think I’m going to. Just need to tell JR. Gotta look into Mahjong sets for The Gentleman Loser. Hanafuda cards might be nice too. I really hope I hear at some point soon if Jake is banned from the event or not. I’m sure he’ll make a post about it. He still has that ugly ass Al Swearengen look going on. What a fucker.

Ordering an archery glove this week from somewhere. Etsy or Amazon, likely.

Debating on whether moving in with Joones and Derek is a good idea. Moving in with two guys who want to sleep with me seems like a recipe for trouble. $478 on rent doesn’t sound terrible, especially if it means I get to have Susu. 

I need to send my resume in to the library tomorrow.

[everyounceofhate]

I don’t know why I can’t be happy about my Christmas presents. Who gets disappointed about getting free shit?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[everyounceofhate]

I don’t care that I’m lying about my Wellbutrin making me homicidal. They were stupid meds anyway and I’m glad I wasn’t taking them. the doctor at the hospital was a fucking idiot. I may have untreated ADHD, but that doesn’t mean my fibromyalgia or my BPD is made up. 

When I get to Indiana and my parents ask where they are I’ll tell them I flushed them, and then I can be irritable as I want and blame it on the “withdrawals”.

I don’t want to take meds. I DON’T WANT TO TAKE MEDS. I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE MEDS.  

[everyounceofhate]

Having an Outlet Makes Me So Giddy

It’s like “ooh. I get to say all the nasty shit I’m actually thinking in my head! This is so much fun!”

No wonder I identify so well with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If I wasn’t so married to “Coffin” as a last name I’d consider “Hyde” a close second.

[everyounceofhate]

Speaking of Aimee

I literally asked her when she was getting home from this stupid fucking bonfire party so I could go to bed at a decent time. She said 11 at the latest. It’s past 12 now. Where the fuck is she? I want to go to fucking sleep. I can’t go to sleep if she’s literally going to walk in the door as soon as I lay down for bed.

Then again, it would give me such a great excuse to chew her ass out and make her cry if she came in while I was sleeping and I woke up to freak out on her, so maybe I’ll just go to bed after all. 

[everyounceofhate]

Let’s Talk About my Stupid Cunt of a Roommate

Aimee is fucking terrible and the only joy I get from her existence is watching her struggle knowing she will go to an early fucking grave. I’m so glad in less than 48 hours I won’t have to deal with her self-pitying bullshit anymore.

I oscillate between this paranoid feeling that she isn’t as stupid as she makes herself out to be and that she’s weaponized her incompetence to manipulate the people around her, particularly me, or that she’s genuinely as fucking stupid as she makes herself out to be. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. For there to be an “average” intelligence baseline, there has to be a below average, and she’s it. 

I still can’t believe she managed to bullshit her way into a Master’s Degree, but let’s be honest: she has a Master’s in Art and she’s drawing fucking Neopets for a living, so it isn’t like she’s the cream of the crop. If anything that should be an inspiration for me to go back to school; if Aimee could get a Master’s, practically anyone can.

She can’t do the simplest of fucking tasks correctly. She can’t cook or clean without this sheen of sweat on her face from the effort of fucking standing up. She reminds me of the Witch of The Waste during that scene in Howl’s Moving Castle when she’s climbing the palace stairs, literally melting into a puddle of sweat and fat. 

Disgusting.

Out of the handful of times she’s cooked on the stove, one time she set off the fire alarm cooking bacon. She couldn’t figure out how to turn off the alarm, and she ruined one of my good pans. A nonstick copper pan! You know how hard it is to ruin a pan like that?! So I had to come in and save the day, as usual, since my bed is in the living room and connected to the kitchen, so I was choking on smoke. I also had to put my cat in her room and close the door so he wouldn’t get asthmatic from the smoke, or run out the front door when I left it open so the smoke could escape.

The other time, I asked her to make me a bowl of easy mac when I was sick. Super simple! You put it in the microwave! No, her dumbass tried to make a box of mac and cheese on the stove. Then tried to make me stir it because standing was hard. Then, when I couldn’t, because I was sick, she just left it to boil for a bit while her sweaty ass went to lay down--and she overcooked the noodles to a mush. How the fuck do you mess up mac and cheese?

No wonder she has to get McDonalds delivered to the house. Yeah--delivered. We live between 2 McDonalds that are both less than a mile from the house. She still has it delivered here. It’s so fucking disgusting. She waddles out of her her room with her hand jammed into her side, leaning at an angle like a deflating pool toy, to come get it, this empty smile on her face like she isn’t the most pitiful fucking human on the planet.

I stopped cooking for her and she immediately ordered delivery twice in one day. Then she had groceries delivered to the house. I should spit into her fucking coffee creamer. Just hock a giant fucking wad of snot into it.

I still remember the night before Wasteland when she broke the toilet and tried to blame it on the plumber and how he “used a bad part” like she would have had any fucking clue. Then I had to spend an hour with my hand jammed into a toilet tank trying to figure out how she fucking broke it. 

She is genuinely one of the most pitiful pieces of shit on the face of the planet. I can’t wait for her to move to Oregon and absolutely fail at living on her own again. I hope she has to move back to California in disgrace.

I wonder if Jake ever told her all the nasty shit he said about her to me. Like how she was spineless and how he stopped having sex with her because she was so unhygenic he thought she was disgusting. I’m sure that would put a pretty big damper on their “friendship.”

I hope her sciatica paralyzes her.

[everyounceofhate]

Struggling in Public Isn’t Allowed

I’m making this blog because my family informed me tonight that posting my feelings publicly on Facebook is embarrassing for them to read. So I have to find a new place to get all the negative emotions out of me so I don’t bottle them up. This is that place.

I have this feeling that some day, someone is going to read through whatever is collected here with a sense of growing horror. It could be my family. It could be a therapist. It could be a future partner. It could be a friend. It could be a random stranger.

I’m not sorry for any of it. I’m not sorry for any of these emotions I feel. I hope whoever reads this, you know that you created this. You took part in the destruction of me. Just by viewing it, you’ve become a part of it, even if you weren’t before.

I hope everyone I hate eats shit and dies.