evelynpeace

[evelynpeace]

My mental health is like a tightrope

A tightrope that’s been up for 20 years

A tightrope that’s fraying at its ends

At one end there’s my values, and morals.

At the other end there’s bonds, and family.

I’ve been treading between them,

careful not to fall.

Picking a side, not picking at all.

Is there even a safety net?

[evelynpeace]

What you did wasn’t like a slap in the face

That stings

It was like I was hit with a truck

The impact killed me

[evelynpeace]

Happiness is not a fundamental need.

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The path that I keep digging keeps being washed away. You don’t know how one simple word can just throw me out of place. I’m told that it’s better to be than not be.

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When I was twenty I heard someone say, “ I want to show them how beautiful the world can be,” and that changed the nagging thoughts of death, almost silenced them.

But now I’m here and I don’t relate to that sentiment anymore.

[evelynpeace]

I didn’t have a guide or future I wanted. It feels like it did 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago. I don’t see my future. What am I living for? There’s nothing for me.

I’m 25, and baffled as to why I’m here. 9 year old me, teen me, 18 year old me, 22 year old me would be surprised that I’m still going.

I’ve tried to see what’s out there. Imagine what others seem to see or find. But it’s not there for me. It’s never been there for me. A future has and will be something unfathomable to my being.

I wish I could be more.

[evelynpeace]

reblog and put in the tags at what age mental illness started affecting you

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I wish I was better.

[evelynpeace]

“To be alone, horribly alone, is the only imperative, and it must be obeyed at any price. The universe is a solitary space, and all its creatures do nothing but reinforce its solitude. In it, I have never met anyone, I have only stumbled across ghosts.” ― Emil Cioran, Tears and Saints

Image: Nobuhiko Ôbayashi, Emotion, 1966

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Huntington Library

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