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I had to come here to let out my frustration because I can't do it on my main blog.

My ex may lose his job. He's now been teetering on the brink of it for the past 2 weeks. He is in a very precarious financial situation (he has no savings). His firing would be drug-use related and I won't get into the nitty-gritty about it but he knows - very well - that drug use is forbidden by his company, even THC. It's not THC, though. I'm trying not to freak out about it. My kids will lose their insurance. I won't get child support. He claims he'll have enough to give me but I've already had to forgive him this pay-period because he's down to his $100 last dollars. I had a long discussion with him about this and again, I feel like I'm mothering him in so many ways. I try not to let it worry me but it does. My sister is already saying "we'll help you" but I don't feel right taking money from her.

I know it's out of my hands now. Part of me doesn't even want to know what happens he was asked to take another drug test Wednesday and I don't think he's going to pass it. Apparently they didn't get back to him yesterday to tell him he was OK to work so that was a red flag to me. I'm just waiting for him to text me that he's been fired. :(

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Ink Artwork by Endre Penovác

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All I can say about this Championship game is --- PAIN. Definitely won't watch the SuperBowl now but if anyone wins, hope it's the 49'ers. I literally hate the Chiefs. I don't hate Mahomes, and I admit he's a good QB but the way he and Kelce were acting towards Tucker at the start of the game is gross. I got bad vibes from him and I was right, he's a total ghoul. All the taunting and bullshit he did but then the penalty against Zay Flowers? Feels rigged, not gonna lie.

Anyway, I just filed my taxes and I'm getting back a decent refund when all the people posting on Tiktok are like "I owe this year". Literally how? Everyone keeps yelling about the 2017 tax bill but if you didn't owe last year but now owe this year, you're doing something wrong. Everyone was supposed to update their W4 in 2020 and if you didn't maybe that's why? Idk

I just got over a really nasty head cold. Everyone in my house was sick. Spent my 35th birthday sick. It was 71 degrees on Friday... this entire start to the year has been pretty trash.

Can't believe tomorrow is Monday. Ew.

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Zuhair Murad 'Midnight Scent' Fall 2023 Haute Couture Collection

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Light at the end of a very long tunnel

As you may know, shit has been going literally sideways for me for the past couple weeks now (months, actually). I had been so depressed and upset about it all.

I’ve had really very bad luck with trying to find anyone to even come out to look at my house before another rain storm (my gutter issue was unresolved). We had a very dry spring, unusually dry. So, I didn’t have much rain to even worry aobut until the end of June/beginning of July. And Maryland does this cute thing now where when it “rains” it means a drenching downpour of 4″ of rain in an hour. On Sunday, in rained for 20 minutes and we got 2″ of rain. We were running through towels to try to soak up the water that was coming in from the window and flowing under the radiator. I felt bad for me, for my son, for my house.. I cried A LOT over the weekend. Like on and off just sobbing. I talked to so many companies, so many of them didn’t give a shit if I lived or died, if my house flooded, it was more or less like “sorry lady not my problem”. They wanted to upcharge me $100 to even send someone this week... I’ve been pretty broke after all this shit happening so I don’t have the money to just throw at upcharge fees.

I got a missed call Tuesday morning from the guys who I’d used in the past to clean my gutter, his name is Ray. I was so relieved to hear from him. Ray  literally made my entire year because of how kind and generous he’s been with me at a VERY excessively stressful time in my life. There are things going on with me that I can’t even discuss or type to a public audience so just know it’s way deeper than anything surface level... but I just got a much needed gutter replacement from a man who did this work for so, so much less than I could ever find anywhere else. When I say he gave me the deal of a lifetime, he did. He came out, made time, went out of his way to get it done before any other rain storms... he clearly cared. He told me he was inundated with calls and referrals but he wanted to get to me as soon as possible so my “house didn’t crumble”. I told him how we had spent money renting a truck and ladder, spent money on another company to come out and $300 later I was still no closer to a solution. He said “let’s replace it, I’m more than happy to do it”. He quoted me an INSANELY low amount. He refused extra money. I feel very lucky to have been able to know him when I needed him. He did an excellent job and now I have a new 6″ aluminum gutter, upgraded downspout, leaf guard and he installed a fascia board so the gutter is affixed to my house securely and not hanging off the roofing material like before... he said “it’s secure, going nowhere I promise”. This little Turkish man is an ANGEL. I thanked him so many times, I was preparing myself to have to take a loan from my sister for a grand at least and pay her back incrementally. He took pictures and videos to show me exactly what was happening - sent them to me and everything. He’s such a kind soul I hope each side of his pillow is cool, he always merges easily on the highway and he has lots of business for years to come. Honestly.

Ray restored a bit of my faith in humanity. I left him reviews on all major sites to sing his praises.

I’m grappling a little bit on what to do. I want to properly pay him when I get more money but I don’t think he’ll accept it. Do I just sit with the guilt? Let someone do something extremely kind for me and accept it? I don’t know. 

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Things that are currently going wrong in my life:

- gutter is clogged on the back side of my house, which is causing water to come in my son’s window frame and drip through the window down into the radiator and onto the floor (COOL, GREAT) so I’ve been trying to contact a million people to come and help me with it - no one has availability. We’re supposed to get torrential rain on Sunday (hahaha fuck) so my ex suggested we just rent a truck and a ladder from Home Depot and he will go on the roof and try to clean it out himself. He’s done it before. That’s what we plan to do tomorrow. My townhome is incredibly difficult because the back side of the house is three stories (it’s a walk out) and the front has architectural slate on the roof so you can’t access the roof from the front. You HAVE to go at it from the back. My neighbors on either side don’t have roof access. It’s literally such a shit show. The people I usually use to help with this didn’t answer the call when I called them and didn’t return my VM.

- My dishwasher is leaking a tremendous amount of water during the wash cycle for some unknown reason, I tried to troubleshoot this myself and haven’t been able to yet (this is on the back burner, gutter comes first) but it’s coming out from under the door onto the kitchen floor. At first I thought it was just a loose sprayer arm or something and it didn’t fix the issue after fussing with it.

- My room is unusually hot now that the weather has ramped up and the tree is gone in the front yard, so I’ve had to do DIY fixes to try to fix any sort of air leaks around windows... it’s not really working too well but again, that’s on the backburner. Luckily we replaced my large AC unit in the downstairs in 2020 so it cools the bottom floor of my house excellently.

- My car’s alternator went up and we already fixed that, I just have to take the core back to Advanced to get a Core Charge for the old part... but that was an absolute bitch. We (the ex and I) fixed it together in the blazing heat, it was literally 89 degrees and 70% humidity, raining off and on. It was insanely hot. We both had sweat dripping down our faces after. It took us a good 3 hours with troubleshooting included but we got it done. Thanks to Youtube I watched a couple videos and it was “simple” enough.

Talk about Mercury in fucking retrograde or whatever shit. I can’t even deal now. I feel like everything that could go wrong is definitely going wrong. I would really appreciate a break - especially financially. All these unforeseen expenses getting thrown at me has caused me to really stress about money on top of it.

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There is nothing worse than wanting to unload some horrible, personal baggage and not knowing who to turn to. Sometimes even the act of searching for support feels unsafe. It’s strange.

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Everyone should get a class in delivering bad news. It’s pretty important and not easy to do - and eventually you’ll find yourself in a place where you have to do it.

All you have to do is get bad news once, delivered very poorly, for you to know what I mean.

Also, I hate that people my age think that bad news is acceptable over text. Can we not? If you need to talk to me about something important over the phone through a phone call is the only acceptable way. I can’t text you “hey my mom died”. That’s fucking weird. When my mom did actually die, I did not tell a single person through a text message. I called people and left them a VM or sent them a text asking if they had time to talk for a minute (and if not, to call me when they did). Obviously the most important people that I had to tell already knew. But I remember being really peeved that some of my friends replied “hey I’m sort of busy what is it?” I was like “fuck this I’m not doing this today”.

My sister and I were talking about this yesterday and she used her husband as an example. She said she was in a Love Sac store looking at couches when she texted her husband a question regarding the dimensions of one and he replied “I just got fired, can’t talk right now”. It’s funny now, we laughed about it but I’m sure at the time it wasn’t.

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The most important thing to learn about life, first and foremost, and keep it in the forefront of your mind endlessly is that it’s not fair. It never was and never will be.

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Ever since I got sick I’ve been off my game. I don’t feel right. Mentally or physically. I’m trying to get back to where I was but it’s proving very hard. The friend I had been hanging out with decided to be distant and bitchy and so therefore, I have no time for that. The other friend I hang out with constantly makes plans and then cancels them because she’s “too tired”. She only works a full-time job she doesn’t have kids or anything so I don’t know why she always feels so exhausted. But anyway, we’re supposed to meet up this Saturday morning before the PTV/Used concert so we’ll see if that even happens. It sucks because it’s been so nice and not rainy and I just feel like garbage. I don’t even want to go outside at all. I have no interest in really anything. I can’t even get myself motivated to clean anything.

The pools opened so I am going to try my best to take the kids after school tomorrow since it’s supposed to be in the 90′s. 

I’m going to try to kick my own ass and go on a walk. I need to get out of the house and move my body a bit.

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babygirl you’re not hard to love he’s just a lil bitch

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Shaw’s // Instagram / Website

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Evan Peters with blonde, curly hair is such a serve

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