euphoricmind

[euphoricmind]

Just Not My Type

Today I attended my best friend's 23rd birthday. It was so fun to be with her and I met new friends too, which made it more interesting.

Party started at around 7:30, everything was settled and the guests have started to arrive. It was just intimate so I had to take a look around all people. Was I mataray? Hell, this is definitely the problem of all the girls with a resting bitch face. Gosh, I hate it!

My best friend asked me to come for the door when the doorbell rang. Opening it was 5 people, one of which I recognized and so we hugged, a mutual friend of ours!

I thought they were altogether until the last person suddenly asked, "Is this *'s birthday venue?" I was surprised, and so I said yes and asked him to come in. I wouldn't lie, he caught me off guard and not just that, he caught my attention too.

All throughout the night, I was spending time with my best friend, making her the star of the night, making friends with the newbies, and still, looking at him from time to time. He looked really quiet, not having a conversation with him except from when I got him by the door and when I airdropped pictures that was related to the party to everyone. Not a getting-to-know conversation just yet.

We played some games, lowkey had chit-chats, until we all settled down into one table, sitting in front of each other. I was damn surprised, he's different when he's drunk. Totally.

He started becoming so extroverted, really noisy, in good words, the life of the party as he claimed, and he wasn't wrong at all. It was all fun and games until I started becoming a bit tad quiet, my social battery running out, same goes for the others, but not him. We had our fair shares of laugh, high fives and damn he's funny as hell, not gonna lie at all!

Conversation shifted into something debatable, he called for my attention, "Ashley, what would you rather choose? Hypothetically, a random girl taking good care of your drunk boyfriend, or just letting him pass out on the streets?" I answered, "It depends, the girl should know her limits, why would he even drink that much when he can't go home on his own?" He then replied, "Just answer between the two options." and I was like "Huh? Why are you asking this?" and he said, "Wala, I just want to get to know your personality given your answer" and damn, he didn't get the answer he wanted from me, or did I answer it wrong? saying "This is why I'm single" to his friend. It got me off, lowkey ruined my mood and clouded my thoughts.

I tried to let it go, maybe he was just too drunk to react that way, but my thoughts consumed me, fuck what if he judged me and thought I wasn't eligible of being a girlfriend cause of that. Well then, fuck right.

It's now 2:30 AM and I'm in my room ranting this shit out. This shall pass anyway. Maybe he's right, my mentality isn't fit for a relationship or maybe this early, I knew he wasn't my type.

[euphoricmind]

Journal Entry #1.

May 6, 2023.

Today, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and I'm having some realizations. It's been about 4 years since I broke up with my ex, but why does it suddenly feel like it's just fresh all over again? People would laugh at me for this but honestly this is how I currently feel.

This is so weird and crazy and anyone who would find out about this—especially him that I'm having relapses and reminiscing our relationship in the past, he would probably get SO weirded out (as if he doesn't think I'm crazy enough lol).

I'm going to try my best to explain what I feel as easy as possible because my thoughts and feelings are literally all over the place right now or maybe this is just because of the zodiac thing about eclipse? or maybe because I'm almost having my period which is supposedly tomorrow. I don't know. Tears started going down by the way as I am typing this right at this moment.

I feel like it's because I'm longing for a relationship right now that I just want to be loved and held and protected but at the same time I show everyone that I am independent, that I can take care of myself. I so got used to being on my own, even before I met my ex, with all the family issues I had, being the panganay, I was built to be strong enough to be alone because no one else would carry the baggage I have in me but myself.

Not that I don't have my family's support, especially my sister who's been my rock and armour, but being alone just gives me peace and that's something I need to work on but God forbid, I don't know how to break my walls down. Hell, I can't even let new people in immediately even just as friends.

I miss him. I miss everything about him but maybe not? Maybe I am mistaking this as him, as a person.. but what I miss is definitely the feeling of being loved romantically. Being seen as a woman, as a woman a man would do anything for. Being seen as their partner, someone that I can be myself with, could be my escape from all the misery I got. It's getting bad again.

I thought I was good alone, well yes I am. But I need that someone, I want someone. But can I take it? Can I handle being hurt again? Because the last time I had a boyfriend, I didn't take the break up in a good way. I was so broken, I almost wasted my life for a boy who didn't want me anymore. I'm so scared to go back to that shithole, but I know right now, I already know better.

But do I, really? I'll never know unless I get into another one, for real this time.

When I saw our pictures and videos together after years of ignoring it, it got me thinking, "I already had all the things I wished for, I had it with him. I wasted it" that was what I thought regardless of the fact that he cheated on me. I became a junkee after our break up but man, that was on me. I'm done with that though, never going back.

But hey, he was the only guy who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved. He was so obsessed with me throughout our relationship and I realized that we weren't on the same level of effort. At least that's what he thought. But all along, that time I thought I was giving in the best I could but now? Now that I know better, I realized that ah fuck, that wasn't my best yet. I was so unfair to him, maybe that's why he left and cheated? But I was a kid back then, I was older than him but I was no less of a kid still trying to learn 😞

He gave me his world, he made me his world and that's where it went downhill when he realized that, I was the red flag that time. We never fought about any girls during our relationship, siya pa yung may pinagseselosan, ako wala. He would go lengths just to see me, would angkas going to Antipolo just to see me after my class. And I never did anything to reciprocate that.

I just realized it now. Women could also be the ones in the wrong in a relationship. I, myself is a perfect example for that.

Just like my mother, who wasted my father's love. I am just like her. And I will forever hate myself for that.

How can I move on from this? Have I really moved on from my first relationship? But it's been 4 years? That's so pathetic but is it really possible?

If yes, then I am the epitome of a hung up ex who's getting her batshit karma for traumatizing a guy who was just trying to love me.

That it came to a point wherein I made him feel that he never did anything right for me when in fact, he was the fucking backbone of the relationship. Helped me through my school by inspiring me, sending me food, gifts and everything. I coped with the fact that my family fell apart that time because HE WAS THERE. I will forever be grateful for that and God....

God... how I wish I could tell him that because being with me was his huge mistake, I made him terrible, even his family hates me, I just know. When he was on drugs, when he kept on pawning his grandmother's jewelries, I was his girlfriend that time and he used all the money FOR ME. I am so ashamed.

To my first love, the only person who tried to get to know me in depths, the only person who loved me for me, J.I.S., I am so sorry for everything.

And to myself, I hope soon enough, I can forgive myself too for fucking things up and hurting someone who tried to love me the best possible way he can.

[euphoricmind]

—i wish birthdays could be as fun when we were kids.

[euphoricmind]

“One of the many fascinating things about poetry is that the reader does not know for whom it was written - And sometimes, Nor does the poet.”

— a.y.

[euphoricmind]

2:39am. 2020.

i wanna put some effort and express how i feel for u. this isn’t sum typa love yet. i jus really wanna get to know u in a way other people can’t. but idk how in a way that u wouldn’t think of me as annoying or bothersome or whatever negative description there is to be used. idk how to make it seem to u that i am not a waste of time, am not like the other girls. u make me happy but u make me feel like shit too. im so infatuated i guess? tbh idk if this is infatuation or im really eager to have a place in ur life and who knows we might have it the least possible way together. but who am i kidding? we aren’t living in the movies for this shit to go down haha. right now, at this hour, it jus hit me all of a sudden. i had a view of me being damaged once again, being disturbed, broken and crying again in pain cos of u. and God knows how much i dont wanna be in that state again. so right now, im actually thinking of jus forgetting what i feel and jus act as if ure jus one of the guys i met one night, and that i’ll never be able to get the story and ending ive been wanting.

[euphoricmind]

You don’t know how little you matter until you’re all alone.

Frank Ocean (via qvotext)

[euphoricmind]

Home is where you feel at home. I’m still looking.

Truman Capote (via qvotext)

but then, don’t come looking for it. in time, what’s yours will come.

[euphoricmind]

You’ll understand why storms are named after people.

Unknown (via qvotext)

[euphoricmind]

Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

John Green; Will Grayson, Will Grayson (via qvotext)