eunomia

[eunomia]

There’s so many things I want to say to you but at the same time, I never want to speak to you again. I thought I knew you. Almost five years together, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what the kind of person you are, but I guess I didn’t.

You broke up with me on the same day our trip ended. Your reasons were that you felt insecure, like you were a failure and you needed to succeed because you were running out of time. That was what you led me to believe, and I believed you because I thought I could. My heart went out for you. I beated myself over for not noticing your stress and struggles and I wanted to do anything and everything in my power to help support you. I wanted you to feel like you were worth it and to realize how amazing you were.

I didn’t know then but I know now. How cruel you were and how unfair it was for me, the way you broke up and treated me after. You had no right to cry over me or to feel upset at the fact that I could no longer keep up our complicated relationship. You still expected us to hold hands, to kiss, to make love even after your broke it off and didn’t even have the balls to call it a break. You led me on. You took advantage of me and made me feel guilty for saying no more kissing even though you were the one who wanted to break up. Saying how it made you numb. How you loved me still but it wasn’t the same. How disgusting is that. I felt so used.

You kept complaining about Thomas, and how I was spending too much time with him and how it made you jealous. You made me feel like I was the one who broke your heart and broke this relationship. You had no right to feel upset. It’s not fair. I went to Thomas for comfort and company because you said you couldn’t provide any. It wasn’t even a romantic pursuit and yet I’m the bad guy for wanting some sort of support. And you even went a step farther to blame it on our core values and how incompatible we were. I guess you’re right, I didn’t know your values and morals were this fucked up. You really had me fooled.

And now you’re with this girl. When I saw I felt so sick and nauseous. So much for “wanting time to get back on your feet” and “wanting to be successful so you couldn’t date”. Countless times I’ll stay up all night, thinking to myself, what did I do wrong? What does she have that I didn’t? Was our 5 years that insignificant that you were able to jump back into the dating pool that fast? Did you like her that much?

I can’t believe I actually took your words to heart, thinking that you just needed to focus on your life and now you’re with some other girl. I see that now. It wasn’t a problem with your life but the problem was me. Do your friends know? Do they know how you got upset cause I didn’t want to be intimate with you after you broke up with me? Do they know how you told me you left me because you couldn’t handle a relationship? Do they know how unfairly you treated me? What about your new girlfriend? Does she know? I guess she’s not as much of a handful huh ? Cause apparently I was too much for you to handle.

I can’t even open up and give my heart fully to Thomas or anyone else because of you. And you’re able to publicly date? I feel absolutely humiliated and furious and betrayed. You were the one who called it quits and you had the power in the relationship. I needed to go to fucking therapy because now I have abandonment and trust issues and I fear getting back into dating but you seem so unfazed by everything you did and you had no problem jumping right back in, didn’t you?

You’re right. You didn’t deserve me. You are terrible and I’ve never felt so heartbroken, being lied to by someone who I thought I could trust. You made me believe that I was the problem and I can’t believe I still cheered you on to succeed. In the end, all I get is disappointment . I’ve never felt so disgusted and angry and hurt but you’ll never understand the extent of torment and trauma you’ve put me through. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to love someone, fearing that they’ll also break my heart and lie to me 5 years in. You said you didn’t want to hurt me and yet you’ve hurt me in the worst and cruelest way possible.

You’re so incredibly cruel and selfish and disgusting and I deserved more than this. I hope you feel ashamed because U didn’t deserve any of my love or support in the end.

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

there is so much hurt and sadness inside of me and i have no idea how to control it anymore

[eunomia]

Please 🌹💝

[eunomia]

t h r e a d s .

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

stifled

[eunomia]

cruel / day 11

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

i deadass lost interest in everything. im just cruising on autopilot rn

[eunomia]

incongruity // 5.8.2018

[eunomia]

personally im so fucking tired

[eunomia]

[eunomia]

“I would like to be able to gently drift in and out of existence when I wanted to.”

— Henry Rollins, Solipsist (via books-n-quotes)

[eunomia]