ettenomnom

[ettenomnom]

Day 2: Whew and a Half

I am done with this day. I called it done. I literally just said, “NOPE.” and moved on.

My anxiety has been up the fuckin roof since we got back from WA. I’ve been in a bigger whirl, like if my mind is usually on a ferris wheel, it’s gone ahead and jumped on a roller coaster. I have been overwhelmed and discombobulated and just all around mess. Like no matter how I fight through, I lose. Everyday I go to bed feeling like I’ve been the worst mom to my kids. That itself literally makes me wanna drink but I’ve been sober for 3 years (another story, yup.)

- started today’s footing not paying myself. I woke up, had coffee, and assembled a loft bed. Then ran errands and came back and finished the bed. Then rearranged the girls�� bedroom and it’s not done yet.

- I was on my stationary bike for 10 mins when I heard someone cry. This is after bedtime. I was soooo pissed. But seeing the baby was not going back to bed anytime soon, I had to let go. I got ready for bed and stopped fighting for control.

- eating was better today but still I am so adamant about my decisions. Those are the addiction’s side effects but I am mindful. 

- it’s 49 minutes before midnight and sleep is finally hitting me. Tomorrow is a new day. Brighter one if I let it shine.

[ettenomnom]

#momentsbymonette #boy-less #sisters #ate #chacha #fall https://www.instagram.com/p/CF53eUTlIbJ/?igshid=1mhkss60l0m7i

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#momentsbymonette #zippersisters #ate #chacha #fall https://www.instagram.com/p/CF53JEYlM2G/?igshid=kgfs6crqt965

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#momentsbymonette #fall #chacha #rainyday https://www.instagram.com/p/CF52-PGlOnY/?igshid=ehwrr7j6ycpi

[ettenomnom]

My oldest daughter turned 5 July 11 of this year and turning this age has turned a page for her new chapter, something that seems minuscule and invalid for adults but to her, it’s a new a season.

Turning 5 is usually emphasized by her reminder about how she has not tried a certain something while she’s 5, even if this is something she’s done when she was 4 or younger. Examples:

- I’ve never lived in San Diego when I was 5! (We lived there for 3 years 😒)

- I’ve never been to a beach while I was 5... (Not only did we live a block from the beach for 1 year, we visited the beach weekly on San Diego when we moved further. She has visited 2 other beaches at 2 opposite points of North America and a couple of beaches in the Philippines. No scarcity in the beach experience for her first 4 years, but to hell with all that. She hasn’t been to one while she’s 5 💁🏽‍♀️)

- She just stated, “I have never watched Pokémon when I was 5 but I am watching it now.”

I hope she doesn’t try to get out of chores when she gets her period coz that’s not gonna fly.

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I’ve never questioned my IQ as much as while I have 2 fingers glued together and the Super Glue still bonded to my thumb 😒

[ettenomnom]

I’ve been using Murad kit for almost a week now. I picked the acne control box and here’s my current opinion of the products

Clarifying Cleanser- it’s very soapy so it’s nice to lather on. It’s light on the skin even after rinsing.

Outsmart Acne Clarifying Treatment- this is very light. Almost like a balanced hybrid of gel and cream. It smells so niiice! It doesn’t dry my skin like other acne serums/ointments. I almost forget to put the moisturizer bec it’s so soft on the skin.

Oil and Pore Control Mattifier- this is really Matte-y. It’s cream but it takes a little more to cover my face bec it dissolves quickly on the skin. It still doesn’t leave my face dry tho despite it being an acne moisturizer.

All in all it seems to be working. Do I have pimples? Yes but I think that’s because I have very sensitive skin and weather here in Iowa has been very temperamental. It hasn’t decided what season we’re in, honestly. I’m gonna keep on keeping on with Murad bec, well, I spent money on it. I’m gonna keep believing this is the magic potion for forever youthfulness. That and my Asian genes.

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[ettenomnom]

An act that takes less than 5 minutes can be neglected when you’re busy trying to keep 2 kids entertained in their waking moments. That’s more than a month of no shave, #TYmiley for making it cool. My husband lives across the country, but even so he never complains about any of “my overgrown lawns” Give the man a Purple Heart!

The legs are another story. If I can barely carve out 5 minutes for my kilikili (pits) I’ll need a long weekend for the legs. Thank God I’m Asian.

[ettenomnom]

Selfish Self-Love

I initially described my skill in self-love as “rusty” but I quickly realized that it never fully ripened. I am a bread knife in cutting time for myself. I am a rake in a garden of women who clicks power with their regularly filed fingernails. I’m a sippy cup in a cupboard of wine glasses - infantile, primitive and underdeveloped in sophistication. 

How did I grow into dullness to care for my well-being at the age of thirty three? It was ingrained in me that there are more important things in life than caring for yourself. 

I was raised in the Philippines, I lived there until I was 14 and depends on who you asked but in my  narrative I was dragged to NYC. We were never financially stable before or after. Well, that’s 1. I remember regularly being sent to the local grocery store to get bread and liver spread but since we can’t even afford that, I’d embarrassingly ask the store owner to put it on my family’s “list”- that’s the inventory of things we’ve taken with a verbal IOU. If we couldn’t afford bread every 2 weeks, we definitely couldn’t afford manicures or even DIY sugar scrub. 

But I’ve seen my mom get manicures and pedicures. Those times that she got them done, the nail technician came to the house to do her nails while we all packed in the only room in the house with AC to watch a movie. I think the idea of caring for one’s well-being was not emphasized nor explained. 

My mom got a haircut every time she felt that her hair had gotten too long or she’d ask my dad to trim it. She’d heat some coconut oil and rub it on her scalp because her eczema is acting up. I always teased her for getting pedicure because she doesn’t have nails on her big toe! She liked to pick on it and because she’s diabetic it’s slow to heal.  She said they hurt and that’s why she got her nails done. So primarily they’re more of medical needs than just a way to relax or destress or to make her feel confident. 

Now that I think about it, my dad was the king of self-care in our household. Or the only one who made effort. He regularly tinted what’s left of his hair, his mustache and sideburns. He pressed his clothes no matter where he’s going. He also found time to shine his shoes that many of his pairs lasted for 20 years! I didn’t realize this routine because he was made fun of by my brothers and relatives for it, including my mom. 

That’s number 2, the disregard and denial for need of self-care. I don’t have a memory of my parents stepping away for the sake of quiet time. My dad stepped away to drink with his buddies. That’s when everyone else had a quiet time because he usually came home extra loud and obnoxious. My mom, I don’t know. She sent me a couple of times to pick up a stick or two of cigarettes for her to secretly smoke, if that counts. 

I don’t know what other reasons are for my lack of knowledge of self-love but you catch my drift. I’m here to put a rock in the middle of this selfless river to change direction of flow. Due to lack of experience, I will have to do this slow and steady. And yes, I’m doing this during a pandemic. I mean, I’m stuck at home with my kids and my elderly mom, what better time to learn self-love? 

But is there any other time that I will be in dire need of self-love? This pandemic has caused me to be a beauty-school-drop-out-homeschooling-housewife living across the country from my husband in a state where I have no friends. That’s to say the least. Social anxiety has camped in the backyard, killing more than half of my lawn. Depression is moving its way out of the basement trying to get comfortable in my living room. This is the perfect time to learn about loving myself.

I’m scarce of time so I aim to try 2 self-love routines to share here. Normally I would cheat and use my quiet time to fold clothes or clean the bathroom. I am only counting the selfish self-love routines. I will write about a different one to keep this spicy.  This blog can count as a love letter to myself, or a memorandum to love myself… finally.