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[etiennedatiwa]

The questioning continues

“I’ve been lost, for some time, some time…” – Andy Mineo.

If a single line from a song could describe how I’ve been feeling for the last month, it would be the above quote from the songs “I’ve Been… Lost” from Andy Mineo’s EP “I: The Arrow”. In fact, both the Arrow and the sequel EP “The Sword” have been the soundtrack of my life for the last few weeks. I’ve been wanting to write a new blogpost for months, but procrastination, life and personal struggles have made it very long. I never imagined I’d be writing a blog post through a freaking global pandemic but here we are.

Okay, as to how I’ve been doing? It’s a mess to be very honest. Depression has been pretty debilitating, and I’ve been having another period of questioning God. Not a deconstruction like in 2018, but it’s a sense of “do I really believe what I say I believe in?” The Christian faith is the only sense of stability and peace that I have, so I know it wasn’t a case of me potentially falling away. But it’s more of that I’ve been having my own struggles with lust for a long time and it makes me wonder “why am I still struggling when I see even my own friends are overcoming?” Not to mention I see the way so many people are suffering as a result of this virus, my anxiety has been sky rocketing. Add to that intrusive thoughts because of said lust, identity issues, etc. Yeah, it’s a bit of a madness.

As to my faith, it’s always been a struggle. I’ve never been the person who has fit in anywhere tbh. I’ve always been the quiet, introverted boy. I’m not overly expressive when it comes to my faith. Like, I’ll be happy to share it and talk about it with anyone who has questions, but I’ve never been the loud and exuberant Christian I often see so much about in the Western church. Being a VERY introverted boy in an environment that is often catered to extroverted Christians is very isolating. Thankfully, I’ve got friends who have accepted for who I am.

I’ve been the kind of person who struggles to always see the brighter side. One thing I value is honesty. It’s weird how I can encourage people, yet I struggle to encourage myself and be positive. The contrast between light and dark has been something that has intrigued me. Tell me your story. I know everything isn’t smooth sailing, ESPECIALLY in Christianity. I find it so annoying when Christians act like everything is okay when it’s not. I don’t need quick fix answers, I need a God that will walk me through my valley.

I’m starting to think Lamentations and Ecclesiastes are my favourite books of the Bible, purely because of the raw honesty and anguish the writers and people feel. Especially Ecclesiastes. I always felt somehow about the book because let’s be honest, it can be very depressing, but lately it’s been so relatable. It almost feels like there’s a sense of cynicism around the prose as the writer says “everything is meaningless.” But there’s a sense of hope in that it reminds us to appreciate the small things in life. Family, food, a good TV show, a good book, video games. Life is too short to be overcomplicating things and we must recognise how little control we have in this journey called life. Am I feeling cynical? You could say that. Thankfully, Jesus loves the cynic. As I wrestle with my own questions and insecurities, I know that “when I get above those clouds, I know that Sun’s out and I’ll be alright.”

Faith let’s me know that there’s not a quick fix to my problems and that the questions are often more invigorating than the answers. I pray we all get the benefit of the doubt and give ourselves the space to say “it’s complicated.”

“The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison.

I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed.

Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing:

The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue,

Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.

The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.”

Lamentations 3:19-24.

 Thanks for reading.

 Ya boy, Tiwa.

[etiennedatiwa]

Shame and learning to combat it with love.

Wassssup. It’s ya boy. Hope you guys have been doing good. Today is going to be very vulnerable. Vulnerability is a strange thing for me. My friends regularly tell me it’s one of my greatest strengths. I’ve gotten better at being open and honest with my emotions yet…. I still struggle to be fully open. I have trust issues. Not sure where it all stemmed from. Maybe from childhood, I dunno. Maybe I didn’t receive enough emotional support as a child. All I know is that I struggle with people pleasing and fully letting people in because of a fear of rejection. This especially affects me when getting close to women; I get major anxiety and fear sending mix signals because of a mistake I made when I was 18. I didn’t really start being aware about how deep this pain was until I was about 19? So yeah. It’s a process.

Alright, we’re gonna talk about shame. I won’t lie: the last couple of months or so have been hell for me emotionally and I’ve been wrestling with a lot of shame. It stems from my long battle with pornography since my pre teens. Most people can relate with this a lot. Porn is so easily accessible, it’s crazy. Adverts are getting more and more sexual, you have raunchy comedy movies, Netflix. It’s kind hard to avoid it. But lately, the shame hasn’t been necessarily from consuming porn itself, but mostly about the kind I’ve been watching. I won’t go into detail, but it’s been very damaging. Ever since I discovered the link between sex trafficking, sexual abuse and how this is all fuelled by the porn industry, I’ve been suffering from major anxiety.

To explain further, part of me started to believe that I WAS an abuser, that I was the things I’ve seen. And that’s been scary to wrestle with. I’ve felt so ashamed to the point that I thought that no girl would ever want to be with me. It’s still something I wrestle with from time to time. But there’s been hope. I’ve finally been able to tell people about the things I’ve seen and they’ve embraced me with love and without judgment. It’s been so freeing. I sometimes worry that I’m spamming my friends with messages and rants to often, but they’re not tired of me yet lmao. They’ve reminded me that God delights in me, he doesn’t just merely tolerate my existence. That he is not angry with me, that his grace can cover even the worst sins I think are unforgivable. He wants a mutual receptive relationship with me. That changes EVERYTHING.

One of the passages that has been so helpful for me recently is Ephesians 3:18-19 which says “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” That’s powerful. We combat shame with vulnerability and love, namely the love of God. It’s one thing to read of God’s love, another thing to embrace it.

One of my favourite Church Fathers, St Ambrose of Milan speaks of God’s grace in such an amazing way: “But Christ was sold because he took our condition upon himself, not our sins themselves: he is not held to the price of sin, because he himself did not commit sin….. And so he made a contract at a price for our debt, not for money for himself: he took away the debtors bond, set aside the moneylender, freed the debtor. He alone paid what was owed by all.” That’s amazing. Jesus took all our sin on himself and set us free. We don’t have to live a life of condemnation.

God has shown me his love in two amazing ways recently. One was from a middle grade book from the “Rick Riordan Presents” imprint. The book is called Aru Shah and the Song of Death. It’s a book based on Hindu Mythology. The main character Aru is wrestling with a lot of shame and has a lot of skeletons in her closet. Who doesn’t? We’ve all done things and have a past we’re not proud of. The Hindu Goddess Ratri comforts Aru and says to her “I have seen your nightmares, Aru Shah. They grow in my land after all. They are seeded with moments of doubt, watered with the pain of tears not shed, and pruned by the ghosts of paths not taken. But that does not make then true.” That quote brought so much comfort to me. That God saw my inner turmoil, that he hadn’t forgotten me. Just because I saw my past doesn’t mean it defines me.

Another example was from Avatar: The Last Airbender. The character Zuko is a complex one. Banished by his own father and sought to hunt the Avatar to restore his honour, Zuko goes through a whirlwind of a journey. He ends up betraying his Uncle Iroh who had tried to lead Zuko on the right path. Iroh is something like a Christlike figure. When Zuko meets his Uncle again, he tearfully apologises to his uncle saying “Uncle, I know you must have mixed feelings about seeing me. But I want you to know... I am so, so sorry uncle. (starts crying) I am so sorry and ashamed of what I did! I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I...” Iroh, pulls Zuko into a hug before he can finish his speech, which is very similar to the parable of the Prodigal Son. Zuko is shocked and is like “How can you forgive me so easily?! I thought you would be furious with me!” Iroh responds “I was never angry with you. I was sad, because I was afraid you'd lost your way.” What an amazing display of the grace of God. That entire had me bawling. I just felt the overwhelming sense of God’s love washing over it. Grace is scandalous.

We’ve all done things we’re not proud of you, we’ve all experienced trauma. But you don’t have to carry that shame with you. There’s freedom is confessing your pain. Freedom is right at your doorstep. I really do hope this post encourages you.

[etiennedatiwa]

Sacred/Secular part 2

Wasssup! It’s been ages since I last updated my blog. But I thought: why not now? Today I wanted to speak about the recent uproar regarding Afronation and whether Christians ought to attend such an event and music festivals in general. Let me first just bluntly state my view from the get-go. I’m not really bothered whether or not Christians go to music festivals or not. As long as they stay safe, are responsible, and their conscience is clear, they can do whatever. It’s not my business to comment on what other people do in their private lives, especially if I have no form of relationship with them.

HOWEVER, I need to acknowledge a very important point which is embodied in 1 Corinthians 6:12: ‘You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.’ This verse is such an important verse to live by. Anything in excess can become very problematic. If we live by every single impulse that comes to mind, then we enslave ourselves and walk into a path of self-sabotage and destruction. When it comes to engaging in various forms of entertainment, you have to be very honest with yourself. God already knows your motives. Ask yourself “why do I want to engage in this activity?” If we did this more regularly, we’d avoid so much heartache.

Moment of transparency: I have to do this constantly when it comes to the type of TV and anime I watch. If you didn’t know, fanservice is extremely common in anime. Fanservice is basically content any form of sexual content, made to arouse. It includes innuendos, random cleavage shots, underwear shots and so on. It’s annoying as hell for me. It’s normally geared towards male viewers and it’s hard to avoid it unless you watch anime strictly meant for kids, or you’ll have to search hard to find anime without it. I tried making a commitment to avoid all anime that has fanservice in this, but this wasn’t realistic at all. All the anime genres that I like, specifically shonen, isekai, fantasy, drama etc all have fanservice of a certain degree. I can’t change the fact that these are my favourite genres of anime. However, there are specific types of anime that I have decided to cut out completely. These include harem, ecchi etc. The main purpose of these genres is to basically titillate the audience. Every time I’ve tried to watch these types of anime, I would play myself. I know full well the reason I was watching these shows. I still struggle to avoid them from time to time but God is working on me.

Proverbs 4:23 says we ought to guard our hearts. What we let into our minds can deeply affect us. One thing that you should never do is lie to yourself. It’s one thing to lie to others, but to lie to yourself?? Bruh. Don’t do that.

But then…. what about the other side of the argument? If we say no to music festivals, shouldn’t we apply this same logic to football matches where the chants can be very…. bawdy to say the least. What about movies, TV shows, pop culture festivals and weddings where a lot of the same songs played at music festivals will be played when you get married? We all know that you won’t be playing “Everything na double double” at your honeymoon, lez be honest. *Nigerian accent* And as someone has already stated; if we say Christians shouldn’t participate in these activities, then what are the alternatives? What should Christians do for fun? Do I stop reading YA fantasy just because the content is more mature than middle grade fantasy? I think we’re great at telling others what not to do without offering alternatives. Too many Christians form the basis of their faith walk on the opinions of other believers who think their word is “gospel.” That’s dangerous. It’ll leave people anxiety riddled and constantly obsessing over sin. Guard your heart, yes. But don’t let it lead you into legalism.

Listen, I’m a pop culture lover. I am a gamer and a bookworm and otaku. These things are part of what makes me who I am. My identity is in Jesus, but Jesus has also given me a personality with interests and hobbies and I don’t think it gives him any glory when I try to erase parts of who he made me to be just to appear more “righteous.” My righteous is in him alone. Dassit. I hope this post has been encouraging for you. Have a lovely day.

[etiennedatiwa]

The sacred/secular divide: relationships and Christianese.

 Okay, ya boy is back. This is a topic I’ve wanted to speak about for a long time. I’ve made several Twitter rants on this, but I think a blog post will allow me to adequately articulate myself.  Before I start, let me just say this: secular does not automatically equal sinful. I know I’ve triggered a lot of people with this one statement. It is what it is. Secular does not automatically equal sinful.

Why have I made this post? Because, recently there’s been a bit of a ruckus regarding the concept of Christian men having “no game.” Game? Yes, as in they don’t know how to approach women properly. We seem to have been cursed with the issue that is “Christianese.” The lady who originally tweeted that “Christian men have no sauce” displayed a very good point. Many of us dudes don’t know how to approach Christian women properly. Not to mention, the quote itself cracks me up. I’m still laughing as I type this. The lady was clearly teasing while speaking truth. And then the entire situation just got way out of hand.

To say that “game” and “dating” are worldly concepts is very strange. If you look at the Bible, you can see how the way people showed interest in each other varied a lot. My dude Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, 1000 women in all. How Sway? HOW? How does one man deal with all those women? The thought of being with more than one woman gives me major anxiety, much less talk 1000. Anyway, Jacob gave 7+ years of labour each to Rachel and Leah. Talk about dedication. And let’s not talk about David and Bathsheba. Wild. My point? The way people approach relationships change as cultures shift. In each period of history their relationship cultures would have been considered normal.

In Ancient Rome people would be betrothed in their teens, in Victorian England people would marry their cousins *shudders*. In ancient history polygamy was normal. To sum it up: you have to consider the cultural context behind these periods in history. Trying to apply 16th century standards of relationships to 21st century UK is problematic as hell. The Bible isn’t clear on the concept of dating because people didn’t date back in biblical times. If you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, that’s your own problem, chief. My point is, don’t use the Bible to justify your personal convictions on grey areas. Have some grace for people.

Now to the issue of Christianese flirting. STAHP. You guys need to level up. I don’t exactly do “flirting” but Christianese makes my skin itch. Women can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. Just be yourself fam. It’s not that hard to just say “hey, how are you doing?” and then go from there. If you have a good sense of humour then that’s a win-win situation. The whole “mighty women of God, how are you today? I see the glory of God on you” is just cringe worthy. Be yourself. Talk about your favourite hobbies and subjects that interest you. Basically: be a functioning human being. If you like a girl, ASK. HER OUT.

Ciao, amici mio.

[etiennedatiwa]

Deconstruction: the journey of a year long process of discovering myself.

Wassup. For those who don’t know, my name is Tiwa and this is my first serious blog post. Let me introduce myself. I’m a 21 year old Nigerian-British boy from London and I’m about to finish my Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering. I’m an avid book reader and I also love video games, hip hop and pop culture. It’s nice to meet you.

Now that’s out of the way, I want to get straight to the point of this blog post. I’m gonna be describing how things have been going for me faith wise over the last year or so. Deconstruction. That’s an interesting word. It can be defined in various different ways. Here’s a definition: “A philosophical movement and theory of literary criticism that questions traditional assumptions about certainty, identity, and truth.” In a sense, it involves questioning traditional beliefs that you have grown up with and questioning the values that have basically shaped your entire identity.

I grew up in a Pentecostal African church. There was a big emphasis on dancing, singing and prophecy. We believed in the manifestations of spiritual gifts, i.e. the speaking and interpretation of tongues, prophecy, healing etc. We believed in the moving of the Holy Spirit and I would see people fall down in their seats, scream, shake etc. When I think about it, I was always slightly creeped out by the screaming lmao. Growing up, everything was very much black and white for me. We believed in the strict interpretation of the bible, we had long church services (why are 3+ hours service a thing? That’s a nightmare for this VERY introverted boy.) It was pretty much the same thing when I entered university minus the long services. I went to an Evangelical church and I loved serving on the worship team, I loved helping around when I could.

But…. there was a lot of emotional turmoil that I was dealing with. Firstly, being one of the only black people (especially young adults) was very isolating. I felt like an outsider because of the cultural differences of being an ethnic minority. Then over time issues of race began to come up. I’d never experienced any racism growing up in South London as I was raised amongst diverse groups of people. Coming to Middlesbrough, my eyes were opened and I was so shocked. But, that’s a story for another time. I realised I had assimilated to mainstream church culture.

I got saved (the moment you accept Jesus into your life as we do in Pentecostalism) when I was 16 back in 2013 and I experienced so much joy. I’d never experienced so much love like the way Jesus had and still loves me. I’ve had struggles obviously, but I’ve grown as a person. My Christianity was very much black and white and I never realised until last year (2018) how much of a bubble I lived in.

Therein lies my issue with Evangelicalism. The literal strict interpretation of the Bible causes more harm than good and it has done so much harm to women through the Purity culture (think “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), the lack of social justice and to simply “preach the gospel”. I’d been raised in fundamentalism and my whole world shattered when I began to read about the experiences of LGBT Christians who were raised in strict Evangelical families. It started last summer when I read “Undivided” which is a memoir of Vicky Beeching detailing her experience growing up as a lesbian within mainstream church culture. She was a popular worship leader who came out a few years ago and she ended up losing everything… all because she decided to stop hiding who she truly was. It was a tough read and it completely changed how I saw my faith.

The Evangelical Church’s lack of empathy when it came to social justice and the way it treated the LGBT community. Not to mention the obsession with evangelism in the way of hellfire preaching, sales pitch evangelism etc. I’m an introvert and the whole going out and speaking to people about Jesus is scary. I prefer developing good relationships and having conversations about faith naturally as the relationship develops. I realised I no longer fit in to church culture. I’ve always felt like an outsider. I never fit in amongst the other guys at school who were sporty, I preferred to read instead. I get along with girls much better than I do with guys. I never quite fit in in my own Nigerian community. I was an anomaly.

Everything changed for me. I saw how problematic Evangelicalism was and I could no longer subscribe to many of the Christian beliefs I had grown up with. I’m no longer a fundamentalist. Unlearning so much toxic theology has been painful. I wasn’t sure what I would have left. But I’m thankful for two of my best friends who are Catholic who went through similar journeys as they transitioned away from Protestantism. They introduced me to the Coptic Orthodox book of Prayers known as the Agpeya and Church Fathers and these have changed my spiritual life. I finally became comfortable with being myself. Western Christianity wasn’t the ONLY way to do Christianity and I was overjoyed because I could never live up to the Evangelical standard. I realise there’s nothing wrong with having doubts and questioning and these keep us open to the revelations of God. An album that helped me during my deconstruction and reconstruction phase was “I: the Arrow” by rapper Andy Mineo which describes his own journey through doubt in his faith.

I still haven’t figured everything out yet, but I’m okay with that. I’m still somewhat a Pentecostal but I’m free from all the toxic and anxiety inducing rules Western Christianty caused me. As Andy Mineo said on “…Lost”: when I get above those clouds, I know that’s the Sun’s Out. I’ll be alright. I’m free to be Tiwa.

[etiennedatiwa]

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) dir. Alfonso Cuaron

But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.

[etiennedatiwa]

#same energy

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#same energy

[etiennedatiwa]

Welcome to my blog!

Welcome to my blog. Lmao, I haven’t used Tumblr in years so it’s gonna take a while to get adjusted to it again. On this blog I’m basically gonna talk about anything that goes through my mind. I tend to make long rants about anything from the issues of Evangelicalism in the the US and UK, how Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange even had a kid *shudders* and basically everything else. Faith, video games, anime, pretty much anything from pop culture I’ll write about when the inspiration comes. I hope you guys enjoy the content!