ethekitchenator

[ethekitchenator]

I don’t WANT a career. I want to cuddle and sleep and eat and read and create and love and be loved.

[ethekitchenator]

Where would I be without my chooms? join Patreon for this month's Cyberpunk themed print club!

[ethekitchenator]

I don't know what those '90s sci Fi TV writers were putting in their shows but I wish they'd start doing it again

[ethekitchenator]

I just need somewhere to vent to the void

This is personal, please feel no obligation to read, I just need to get it out somewhere. It's mostly going to be non-sensical nonsense as I rant. I'm going through a lot.

The last year and a half has been the absolute hardest of my life. My Mum passed away from a sudden and aggressive cancer that the doctors didn't even try and fight. My grandmother followed two months later after a two year battle with blood cancer. Dad and I had to move from where we lived with Mum due to the cost, only to have to move again within a year as the owner wanted to move back in. I fell for someone who was going through his own struggles, which ended up with him ghosting on me after things were said and done. I lost my job and haven't been able to get anything within the last six months. Dad also lost his job four months ago, so we have no income coming in. My psychologist tells me on my last appointment of the year that he's no longer going to be working there and going to start his own clinic which will be too hard for me to get to. I feel like my friends don't really want to be my friends anymore, they're going through their own stuff too but it's always left up to me to be the organizer, or even just make the suggestion. One of my aunt's has also been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, stage 3.

Over all, I'm struggling right now. The last few days, I can't even say what's triggered it, but I've just been so low and, while I can talk myself back up a bit, it's not helping as much as I'd like. Mum used to be the one that I'd confide all this stuff in, and while I can talk to Dad, I don't get the same advice or reasoning in return like what Mum used to give. I feel so fucking alone right now and I don't know what to do.

Life is hard, and no one talks enough about those hard moments. Those moments where you feel like your drowning and life just keeps taking more and more from you. When you just want to curl up in a corner and cry and hope that it all goes away. It'd be easier if it worked like that.

And, you know, on top of all the personal stuff, the world wide negativity and bullshit piles on top of it, as much as you try not to let it. it feels like someone has a big stick, followed by another person with an even bigger stick, and they're both just hitting you for no reason other than you exist. They take turns, although one might swing more than once or twice at a time.

It feels like I've been abandoned in a way, more than once. There's no one to fault, that's just life, but it doesn't make the feeling going away, it doesn't change how depressed, frustrated, upset, angry, hurt, and alone I am. Nothing but time, and some more therapy, is going to help with any of that. At the moment though, every decision, just feels like a huge thing that I don't want to deal with.

You know, when I turned 30, someone told me that it would be the best time of my life, and so far, my 30s have been pretty shit. I'm 33 next year, and bar looking after my two little puppies (about the only good thing that's happened) I don't really have much else to currently look forward to. I can say I'm surviving sure, but that doesn't help much when I want is for someone to tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I've wanted since Mum passed, and things haven't been okay, and I feel like I don't know how to handle life anymore.

My psychologist was helping with a lot of this, but since my last session, it's like it's been a slippery slope downward. The mental effort of thinking about preparing myself to have to open up to someone else is daunting, even though I know it's something I'm going to have to do, even if I don't have work to start off with.

Hell, I don't even know if all this is catching up to me right now because Christmas is just around the corner. Mum was never big on Christmas, but it was time the three of us did stuff together. We can't even go and visit where we scattered her ashes because of finances (it's a five hour drive away), and even though I know she's still here with me, it's not the same and having a hug from her.

It's all just so hard, and even though I'm doing small stuff every day, baby steps, to try and improve things, some days just don't feel like enough. Or the goal seems too huge even setting them small. I just don't know what to do. I'm just a scared little kid trapped in an adult body trying to deal with her own world on her shoulders.

I want some luck, I'm tired of feeling so unlucky. I'm tired of being tired. I want something in my life to work out as intended. I want to be free of this depression and bullshit that looms over me like a storm cloud. Bad days make it so hard to deal with, and it's only the knowledge that on the better days its easier that it keeps me going. When the bad days are really bad though, hence this, it's so much harder to lose yourself to it all.

Now, if anyone actually reads this, I don't want you to worry, I have no intention of doing anything. I made a promise many years ago when I first experience depression that I would never do anything. I just needed get some of this at least off my chest and to...somewhere. The void for all I care. I'm trying to do something that will help me, no matter how much I cry doing so. I recognise that I've been through a hell of a lot of trauma over the last year and a half and that's going to take a lot of time to deal with, and I know that missing Mum ever single day is never going to go away; she was far too young and she had much more to do in the world.

I need a long hug. I could probably write more, but even this has just numbed the brain for now, so I'll take it for the moment. I'll probably delete this at some point anyway.

Anyway, if you've read this, I hope I haven't made you depressed too. Have an obligatory puppies picture as compensation. I'm going to go make a cup of tea, even though it's 10:40pm.

[ethekitchenator]

heeppy hoolida

[ethekitchenator]

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

i think maybe we could spend less time thinking about things that make us angry and more time thinking about other stuff

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

cannot emphasize enough how a good piece of media can reset a creative slump. stop putting off consuming that media because you "should be writing instead" and then not write either

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!

[ethekitchenator]

Artwork Still in the Making

Hi everyone!

I'm still creating, even though I've been quiet. My Redbubble store is updated, and I'm also now on Displate!

Exciting times are ahead. I've been slowly working on a Youtube Analog Horror series, I've got loads more art and photography I'm working on, and writing is being slowly chipped away in the background.

As always, any support is appreciated. A share to get the word round of my work would be amazing. I know the world is pretty crazy right now, so I'm hoping to just spread some creativity and positivity.

Cheers!