eternalnothingness

[eternalnothingness]

It feels like mud

Everything i do besides scrolling is like moving through thick sticky mud

Lifting my arm to fold clothes? Mud. Showering... shitting? Mud. I guess thats how i know its getting bad again. I cant keep doing this. Ive made so many good breakthroughs! I should be better! I know i have worth i know my face is semi attractive to other people but why dont i FEEL it? Why do i have to rationalize my feelings for them to make sense?

I cant kill myself, well its not that i cant; i think im too stubborn or petty or even lazy but i dint want to kill myself anymore. I think i might have severed the suicidal actions from the ideation. I just want it to stop i want to reset i want what happened to me to be changed i want to have gone down a different path.

The younger me would hate who ive become, he would look at all the mud around me in disgust and hate. He would reach out a hand and ask why we aren't okay. I dont know if i have the heart to tell him we weren't strong enough to leave a horrible situation. One where we existed for someone and walked on eggshells for that person. He would just look at me and flex his tiny little muscles and say "are you sure? Look how strong i am!"

Teenage me would be mad at me. Mad that i let the pain continue as long as i have. He would probably crack a joke about forgetting the knots they taught us with a hurt look in his eye. But as the conversation ended i know i just know he would thank me for being alive. Even if he didn't fully understand how the words would affect him. He'd probably make me promise to call him or another friend if i ever felt like doing that.

WhT would future me think? Would he think that im worked up over nothing? That good times are juat ahead ? Is he thinking about me now? Is he still thinking of us? The past hims that exist only to support him and make him feel some type of love? I hope thats part of why im still here. Why im still suffering. If not then i dont know why im still here.

I guess until I figure it out ill have to keep slogging through the mud.

Fuck.

[eternalnothingness]

To many memories crowd the day of my birth, too many tainted gestures, another year of agony around the sun

Happy birthday i guess

[eternalnothingness]

I mean i guess this is who i am now? Kinda lonely a friend in the wimgs on the outskirts of an established group of peoplw

[eternalnothingness]

Not doing good

doing bad

[eternalnothingness]

Stream of conciseness blog ??? Yeah