eternalgaylord

[eternalgaylord]

elmer how are you dealing with the divorce

[eternalgaylord]

but! we! cannot! simply! sit! and! stare! at! our! wounds! forever!

[eternalgaylord]

you'll just be minding ur business and then suddenly the air smells like an august evening in 2005

[eternalgaylord]

My wish is beautiful like a flower.

[eternalgaylord]

[eternalgaylord]

i started counting. ten tabs. no, twelve tabs. i wasnt keeping track right on my fingers. i always forget to count the thumbs. thumbs arent fingers so i dont count them. thumbs are fingers but i abide by the corporeal rules of a middle schooler: hair greasy, nails dirty, shorts are basketball and white. but the tabs: six were youtube. no, eight were youtube. two reddit. one wikipedia: "list of celebrity guest appearances in the mariana trench". thousands of sections. did not abide by wikipedia style guidelines. duly reported it to the according authorities, but to this day they treat me with contempt and violence. again, the tabs: i read them on a tiny, tiny computer. the screen was the size of my thumb. so was my mouse. not the keyboard. normal sized. 125-key. 11 extra additional keyboard keys corresponded to the hours of the day and light up accordingly. i do not recognize the sovereignty of "12 am", the most fundamentally immoral hour. whenever it hit midnight then i simply prayed until a different hour began (i do not know which one). now i am too scared to pray or carry a clock along with me. once i prayed and a driftless smoke emanated from a most frightening place, i shant say where. but i could sense it and felt its power and strength. 11 extra keys i do not look at. i looked at a tiny screen containing ten, no, twelve tabs, while wearing my basketball shorts, and tapped on the tabs with my fingers and two thumbs, counting each tab as well as i can. and i did not sleep or pray while i did this because i do not know when it is midnight.

[eternalgaylord]

spiky carabiner by melteddose. handmade using tin, copper, and silver materials. [for sale!]

[eternalgaylord]

Dreamt that people were protesting Food Not Bombs because it operated on a trade-in of “one bomb for two food”, which created a perverse incentive for more bombs

[eternalgaylord]

happy hollidays

[eternalgaylord]

How do you fall back in love with life?

clean your room.  clean space, uncluttered space, space that doesn’t have miasma clinging to it can work wonders.  clean the dishes.  sweep.  take out the trash.  peel the clothes off the floor and wash them, and then actually fold/hang them.  take a long shower.  scrub behind your knees.  brush your teeth.  (this can be utterly exhausting, but try to get it done in a day, if you can.  the end result is worth it.)

pull out your notebook.  it doesn’t need to be a new notebook, but preferably one that you don’t usually write in, or that you haven’t touched in a while.  fuck moleskins.  the yellow legal pad will work fine.  sit in your room, or in the park, or in the library, and write a list.  count clouds.  describe all the colors that you see, and note patterns that arise.  sketch the cracks in the walls.  note the shape light makes when it enters a space.  talk about what the air tastes like, smells like.  what sounds are there?  even the white nose, break that down: air planes, fans, cicadas, anything.  remind yourself that you are sitting in the middle of a space brimming with detail.  remind yourself that you are not in nothingness and emptiness.  your world is fathomless.  it has potential.

drink cold water and try to eat something that isn’t processed.  it does not need to be fancy.  buy yourself an apple with the change between your couch cushions.  eat it outside.  if you’re someone who walks, walk somewhere afterwards, just to stretch your legs.  take your fucking meds.  remember that its a good thing that you are inside your body.  your body is a fantastic and endlessly intricate machine, and even though society has smacked a bunch of poisonous ideas on it, that doesn’t change its inherent worth and splendor.  take care of it.

read a novel.  underline your favorite lines, and write phrases that twist your heart inside your chest on the back of your hand with an ink pen.  read a novel like it’s poetry.  read poetry, something decadent but unpretentious.  watch a movie you haven’t seen before.  if there are free art galleries near you, walk through one.  take your time.  let yourself bask.  if there are patterns in what makes your soul ache, write those patterns down – marbles arches or soot crumbling bricks or dandelions or descriptions of dresses or whatever it is, write them down.

your chosen family is important.  remember, they picked you as much as you picked them.  the love has no obligation.  it is given freely and it is given from a place of compassion.  you are not a burden.  if you need to breathe, take a minute by yourself and just exist, but remember to go back to your people.  when they need you, listen and be gracious.  always be gracious.  the universe sometimes remembers things like that.

listen to new music.  link jump on youtube or related artist jump on spotify or ask the chap beside you in the cafe what their favorite band is, and listen to that.  listen to something that you don’t usually listen to.  we tend to tie up a lot of memory with music.  we are falling in love again.  the soundtrack needs to be specific to that.  

allow yourself to indulge in romantics.  press flowers in old books.  play movies with subtitles and mouth the words.  dance in your room.  wear something that makes you feel good, even if you wouldn’t wear it in public.  write your chosen family letters, even if you hand deliver them.  write poetry, even awful poetry.  revel in its awfulness.  eat dark chocolate and when your chosen family want to go out, try to go out with them sometimes, even if its just to the market.  

[eternalgaylord]

“Well, of course I’ve tried lavender. And pulling my memory out, ribbonlike and dripping. And shrieking into my pillow. And writing the poems. And making more friends. And baking warm brown cookies. And therapy. And intimacy. And pictures of rainbows. And all of the movies about lovers and the terrible things they do to each other. And watching the ones in other languages. And leaving the subtitles off. And listening to the language. And forgetting my name. And feeling the dirt on my skin. And screaming in the shower. And changing my shampoo. And living alone. And cutting my hair. And buying a turtle. And petting the cat. And traveling. And writing more poems. And touching a different body. And digging a grave. And digging a grave. Of course, I’ve tried it. Of course I have.”

— september is a weary month, yasmin belkhyr (via wildflowerveins)

[eternalgaylord]

btw, random psa: if u r having trouble sticking with things and u keep trying harder and it doesn't work, start trying less. there are a lot of ppl who it is effective for them to whip themselves harder, maybe. but if u r sensitive to judgment and criticism and rejection, it applies to the way u police yourself internally too. so if u keep whipping yourself harder and harder, thinking its what you need to do to build discipline, u just drive yourself to withdraw from yourself. you'll fear your own judgement so much that you'll hide from yourself. and you'll just give the whole thing up and try not to think about it. if that sounds familiar to u, try whipping yourself more softly. if u miss a day at the gym or have a rly bad workout, just be chill about it. remind yourself things like that are bound to happen, ur bound to have bad days, and if you just keep at it and stay consistent, one day doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme. and because you're not holding yourself to such a high standard, you won't feel dread and anxiety at the prospect of failure or underperformance. if you allow yourself to fail, you take a lot of the burden off yourself, which makes it easier to do the thing in the first place, because you stop associating it with fear of your own judgement, fear of failure, etc. it allows u to just relax and do it. and the more you do it, the better you get, even if it's slower than the rate you want. and as you get better at something youre less driven by the whip and more by the carrot, the feeling of reward u get from doing something well, or improving, or even just feeling the exertion of doing your best even if the external results arent good. which is probably what normal people do, they just do stuff. but you guys aren't normal so maybe this will help one of u with exercise or studying or learning an instrument or a fighting game or fucking or writing or cooking or baking or drawing cartoon animals fucking

[eternalgaylord]

sorry I know I’m being extremely annoying right now but the claim that the electronic calculator ‘did not forcibly pervade every aspect of our lives’ is so boldly and confidently wrong it’s impressive. the ability to automate the act of quantification (ie what an electronic calculator does) is probably as central to modern commerce and society as like, the transistor or the lightbulb. a world where excel spreadsheets do not exist is a fundamentally alien one to most people on planet earth. all geospatial software is built on the ability to do math on the fly. can you imagine the world today without google maps? can you even begin to comprehend a society not dominated by numbers? even these examples undersell how fundamental automated calculations are because this technology did in fact pervade every aspect of life. the fact that you think a calculator is simply a plastic doohickey you were taught to use in grade nine math is maliciously literal. like these arguments are so nakedly and openly anti-intellectual that I would say it makes it clear that no one should take you seriously, but posting this kind of mind-numbing slop is one of the easiest ways to do numbers on tumblr right now, which is something you also wouldn’t be able to do without the invention of an electronic calculator

[eternalgaylord]

Costume Concept Art for Nosferatu (2024) by Linda Muir

[eternalgaylord]

No you are not "actively social". You're a disgusting mate-brained freak with a life ruining friend-addiction

[eternalgaylord]

But you must not conclude from my eagerness in defending myself against the charge that neurotics are encouraged in analytic treatment to live a full life - you must not conclude from this that we influence them in favour of conventional virtue. That is at least as far from being the case. It is true that we are not reformers but merely observers; nevertheless, we cannot help observing with a critical eye and we have found it impossible to side with conventional sexual morality or to form a very high opinion of the manner in which society attempts the practical regulation of the problems of sexual life. We can present society with a blunt calculation that what is described as its morality calls for a bigger sacrifice than it is worth and that its proceedings are not based on honesty and do not display wisdom. We do not keep such criticisms from our patients ears, we accustom them to giving unprejudiced consideration to sexual matters no less than to any others; and if, having grown independent after the completion of their treatment, they decide on their own judgement in favour of some midway position between living a full life and absolute asceticism, we feel our conscience clear whatever their choice. We tell ourselves that anyone who has succeeded in educating himself to truth about himself is permanently defended against the danger of immorality, even though his standard of morality may differ in some respect from that which is customary in society. More-over, we must guard against over-estimating the importance of the part played by the question of abstinence in influencing neuroses. Only in a minority of cases can the pathogenic situation of frustration and the subsequent damming-up of libido be brought to an end by the sort of sexual intercourse that can be procured without much trouble.

Freud, Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis

[eternalgaylord]