estherkimmykim-blog

[estherkimmykim-blog]

{ biography }

TRIGGER WARNINGS: alcoholism, mental illness, drug abuse, domestic violence, suicide, sex work and overdose.

"ɴᴏʙᴏᴅʏ ᴅɪᴇs ᴀ ᴠɪʀɢɪɴ... ʟɪғᴇ ғᴜᴄᴋs ᴜs ᴀʟʟ." ― ᴋᴜʀᴛ ᴄᴏʙᴀɪɴ

NAME: Eunseo Kim (김은서, 金恩徐) OTHER NAME(s): Qiaojie (巧姐), Esther ETHNICITY: Korean-Chinese BIRTHDAY: October 30th, 1993 HOMETOWN: Los Angeles, California PARENTS: Xiayan Zhou (周霞艳, mother) & Taeyong Kim (김태용, father) SIBLING(s): Eunsung Kim (김은성) MARITAL STATUS: Single FACECLAIM: Eunhee Jo (Titch) HEIGHT: 165 cm / 5’4" WEIGHT: 62 kg / 136 lbs  HAIR COLOR: Naturally brown (she changes it often) EYE COLOR: Brown MBTI: ISFP

Important Notes:

This character suffers from Bipolar 1 disorder and does not receive treatment. (Details located under "Personality")

This character abuses drugs (cocaine, cannabis) and alcohol frequently. (Details located under "Backstory")

It was no secret that Taeyong Kim didn’t want children. From the time he began his romantic relationship with co-worker Xiayan Zhou, he made it very clear that he had no plans of becoming a father. However, as fate would have it, Xiayan became pregnant. Worried about what her family would think of her being an unwed mother, she begged Taeyong to marry her. Since his feelings for Xiayan were in fact genuine, he obliged. Nine months later, Eunsung Kim was born in Los Angeles, California. Eunsung was the perfect child; kind, patient, barely fussy, and was loved dearly by her mother. Although he made sure to keep his distance from the child, Taeyong began to love her too.

Eunseo was a different story.

As Eunsung had just turned four, Xiayan found that she was once again pregnant. Concerned with how Taeyong would react, she hid the pregnancy. She figured she would simply have an abortion and pretend it never happened, but as the weeks went by, Xiayan became more and more against the idea. She wanted — no, needed — to have this child. Soon it became too late; her belly had swollen to a noticeable size and the effects of her pregnancy were much too evident. Just as she feared, Taeyong was furious. Determined to have the child regardless of what her husband thought, Xiayan took Eunsung and returned to Shanghai to be with her parents until Qiaojie, later named Eunseo, was born. Taeyong, realizing he’d made a mistake, flew to China to beg his wife for forgiveness. Xiayan, being the forgiving person she was, took him back.

The four of them returned to LA to start over as a loving family, but Taeyong refused to love Eunseo.

Eunseo, known as Esther by her peers, was not at all like her sister. She was very moody, always fussing and never seemed to stop crying. Raising her was exhausting. It began to put a strain on Taeyong and Xiayan’s already rocky marriage. To say Taeyong resented Esther would be an understatement. In fact, as she grew older, Taeyong was much harsher on Esther than he was Eunsung. Esther would avoid Taeyong as much as possible, often going to her mother’s side instead. Esther found comfort in her mother, whose compassionate and warm-hearted personality welcomed her and made her feel at home.

During most summers, the Kim-Zhou family would travel to Trenton, New Jersey to visit Taeyong’s younger sister, Hyejung. Though unmarried, Hyejung made a very successful career as a gynecologist, allowing her to afford a rather large house in a more suburban area of the city. It was during these summers that Esther met James Baek, the next door neighbor, and would spend a lot of her time outside with him; even giving him his nickname, Jamie. Being the absolute tomboy that she is, Esther would often wrestle James or force him to play house (where she of course was the father and Jamie was the dog) with her, which usually left him in tears or annoyed with her presence. Despite his frustrations with her, Esther truly enjoyed her time with ‘Jamie;’ and the two even made a promise that if both of them were unmarried by age 30, they would marry each other. Esther missed him dearly whenever it was time to return to California. On special occasions such as Christmas or his birthday, Esther would send him cards that included various drawings of their adventure. Esther loved to draw and eventually became quite good at it.

Having the balance of having both strict and kind parents was good for Esther, as she was disciplined when necessary by her father and adored by her mother. Unfortunately, Esther’s place of solace came to a screeching end as Xiayan’s life was taken in a fatal car accident. Being so young and unfamiliar with grief, Esther did not mourn in the way Taeyong would’ve wanted her to, making him unbelievably frustrated with her. Truth is, Esther did mourn her mother, but through crying in front of her family as she tried to be strong like her mother always told her to be. Feeling lost and alone without Xiayan, Esther became more reserved and isolated herself from her family.

Not wanting to raise two daughters on his own, Taeyong moved his family to Trenton, NJ, to be with his sister, Hyejung. Eunsung was reluctant, not wanting to leave her friends in California. This was the first time Esther had seen her obedient sister rebel, and as happy as she was to witness it, did not defend her. Esther was rather excited to start over in a new city, especially since it would mean being reunited with Jamie. While apart, the two would send letters to each other. Once they were old enough to use the internet, MSN messenger became their main method of communication. Even though it may be difficult to adjust at first, Esther was excited to see her best friend. So right before she started her eighth grade year in school, the Kim family made their move, leaving behind their life in California to start anew. In school, Esther and James grew closer, especially after being assigned to write a book report on The Giver together. Since they were older, the two began sharing some of their deepest secrets and insecurities with one another, revealing that they had a lot more in common than they thought. Around this time, Esther began to experience episodes of melancholic depression, her low moods making it even more difficult to maintain her relationships with others. However, Jamie was experiencing something similar; thus Esther felt more at ease knowing that she was not, after all, alone. The two spent a lot of free time together, even joining both the school swim team and a co-ed swim club. Exercise helped her mood tremendously, but did not fix everything.

Her mood swings grew worse and worse as she entered high school. With her explosive and hot-tempered personality, Esther struggled to make friends with her classmates, often getting into trouble by starting fights or unnecessary drama with other girls. It didn’t help that her home life became more stressful, as Taeyong seemed to disapprove anything she did. Constantly comparing Esther to her sister, he placed immense amounts of pressure on her throughout her high school years. No matter how hard she worked or tried, Esther was never able to make her father proud. Even when she competed in swimming competitions, maintained a fairly good GPA — none of it was good enough. Graduating as valedictorian, being accepted into UCLA — Eunsung was everything Taeyong would have hoped for. Esther, the slightly problematic one, was a different story.

Yet James made her feel as if it all didn’t matter. The two of them had become inseparable, supporting one another in every aspect of their lives. In fact, Esther began to develop romantic feelings for James around her sophomore year. In fear of being rejected or making their friendship awkward, she never confessed or disclosed how she felt towards him. By junior year, James started dating Vivian, a girl that went to their school. Heartbroken and insecure, she grew cold towards Vivian (even though she was nothing but kind to Esther). Not wanting to hurt Jamie, Esther never voiced her resentment of Vivian to him, since the only thing Esther really wanted was for him to be happy. If it wasn’t with her, she told herself, it would be alright.

While she struggled in most academic courses, Esther excelled in art. She loved to draw, often doodling in her notes or sketching random things in her sketchbook. Her art teacher was very proud and excited to see a student be so engaged in her class, and so she encouraged Esther to keep drawing. In turn, Esther looked up to her. In her junior year, one of Esther’s paintings was included in the regional art show for her school system. While Eunsung tried to make an effort to be there, she was unable to make it, as her academic priorities got in the way. As for Taeyong and Hyejung, even though they were aware of Esther’s accomplishment, neither of them attended. It was that day Esther made a decision that would impact her for the rest of her life; she gave up on trying to please her father.

She gave up on trying to please others.

Esther gave up on herself.

By her senior year, Esther had become a different person. She quit swimming, her grades dropped drastically and she became more depressed than ever. Taeyong watched Esther lose focus in school and found her lack of direction in life to be disheartening, and so he gave her an ultimatum: fix her behavior by graduation or be kicked out. Having already given up on herself, Esther refused to oblige. At the time, she really didn’t believe she would be kicked out. Boy was she wrong.

Esther was barely able to graduate with a 2.1 GPA. The night after graduation, a friend of Jamie’s invited everyone to his place for a graduation party; and by Jamie’s insistence, Esther attended. Feeling alone and out of place, surrounded by people she felt were judging her, Esther drank for the first time. Drunk and unable to control herself, she began flirting with one of the school’s most notorious fuckboys, causing James to worry and grow infuriated. When confronted by her best friend on her actions, Esther exploded, demanding to know why he was so worried and then revealing her feelings for him. Horrified and not wanting to get rejected, Esther fled the scene. Walking to the nearest gas station, she called Eunsung to pick her up.

Without any plan for the future, Taeyong and Hyejung saw no reason for her to stay with them any longer. As promised, the day after her graduation, Taeyong kicked Esther out of their home. Her only option at that point was to stay with her ‘cousin’ (family friend) Mijung in Queens. Using her savings, Esther hopped a bus straight to NYC. Without a phone or way to reach Jamie, she left him a note that included Mijung's phone number.

She never received a call.

Living at Mijung’s was difficult. Mijung, being the black sheep of her family, left home many years before and empathized with Esther on a personal level. However, she lived a life of nothing but drugs, alcohol and partying. In the time that Esther stayed with her, Mijung’s influences got to her, leading her down a slippery slope to where she is now. Losing her virginity to a man she still does not remember, Esther developed an addiction to sex — leading her to sleep with various men in an attempt to forget about her problems, especially in regards to her feelings for James. Sometimes sleeping with taken men, Esther would get into physical fights with random women, which became a rather frequent occurrence due to her negligence.

At nineteen years old, Esther met Juan Hernandez, a twenty-five year old drummer for a band called WEBB. What started out as a freinds-with-benefits type of deal grew into an intense romantic relationship. After witnessing a traumatic fight between Mijung and Mijung’s boyfriend, Jackson,  she and Esther moved to Brooklyn to stay with Juan. For the past few years their relationship has been on and off, as Juan struggled with a cocaine addiction, eventually getting Esther involved too. Mijung completely disapproved of this and tried to warn Esther to not go down such a dangerous road, numerous times. Esther doesn’t listen to her, continuing to spiral downwards into addiction.

Even after breaking up with Juan, Esther struggled with substance abuse.

One night, after arguing with Mijung about her addiction, Esther overdosed on cocaine. Thankfully Mijung found her and got her to a hospital immediately, where she spend the next week receiving treatment. Scared of losing her best friend, Mijung insisted that Esther seek rehabilitation. After being scared of losing her life so early at young age of 20, Esther obliged, and spent two months in rehab. But that wasn’t the end of Esther’s struggle with drugs. Esther moved into a small apartment with Mijung where she tried her best to follow a straight and narrow path. For two years, things began to look up for the girls, but Esther’s attraction to the dark became her greatest downfall.

However, Esther struggled with employment. The combination of her disorder and explosive personality would cause her to lose jobs after short periods of time, leaving her broke and unable to make rent. Desperate to make money, Esther sought out dangerous opportunities. After meeting Danny Choi and beginning a sexual relationship with him, Esther began to sell cannabis and cocaine. She hid this from Mijung, not wanting to disappoint the one person who’d been there for her through everything. Much like her mother, Esther was terrible at keeping secrets. Mijung soon discovered the source of Esther’s income through a simple text message, and found it to be the last straw. She left Esther, completely cutting her off, with a final sentiment that continues to haunt Esther to this day.

“I’m not going to wait around for you to kill yourself again.”

'So why wait?’ she thought, before making her decision to end her life. Filling her grungy bathtub with warm water, Esther laid against its basin and proceeded to slit both her wrists horizontally. She does not remember Danny finding her, covered in blood. She does not remember the ambulance ride to the hospital. The only thing she remembers is waking up in a hospital room, alone with no one by her side. Esther was then admitted to a psychiatric ward where she was later diagnosed with an extreme case of Bipolar I disorder. After being released from the ward, Esther decided against receiving treatment, as she could not afford health insurance and couldn’t pass the drug tests (due to her continued usage of cannabis) required for her to receive disability.

Having lost Danny as well, due to her suicide attempt, Esther felt abandoned. She had fallen so, so low and had no where — or anyone — to turn to. She continued dealing, despite how it made her lose the most important person in her life, in order to support herself. Esther found a cheap townhouse in Brownsville to stay at, where she currently shares with a bunch of junkies who come and go as they please. She also began working as a kink-related clip model, posting videos of her doing rather bizarre things (either by herself or with other people) online. She continues to both deal and record herself as a means of employment to this day.

She has not been in contact with her family in five years. With all that she’s been through, she has no desire to return to her previous life, as she is both embarrassed and hopeless regarding her current self. Life is hard for Esther, but as long as she isn’t bringing down others with her, she’s fine with the way things are.

Family:

Taeyong Kim: Her father, whose resentment she knows all to well after years of emotional abuse, which became worse after her mother passed away. He’s a psychiatrist and runs his own office in Trenton, New Jersey. Esther has not spoken to him in five years.

Xiayan Zhou: Esther’s mother and closest family member; Xiayan was Esther’s escape from everything terrible in the world. Before her death, Xiayan was a stay-at-home mother who was incredibly loving and patient with both her children and husband. Her body was buried in Los Angeles, California. Esther plans to one day save enough and move there so she can be ‘close to [her] mom once again.’

Eunsung “Elizabeth” Kim: Esther’s older sister of 4-5 years and bane of her existence. Ever since Esther was born, it seemed as if she was always being compared to her older sister. Eunsung was the perfect child, everything Esther wasn’t. Eunsung is currently working on her doctorate in Chemical Engineering at Columbia University.

Hyejung Kim: Taeyong’s sister and Esther’s aunt, Hyejung took their family in and helped ‘raise’ Esther after Eunsung’s graduation. Much like Taeyong, she is a very strict and rigid person. Hyejung currently works as a gynecologist and runs her own office in Trenton.

Friends & Lovers:

James Baek: Esther’s first and only real friend growing up, as well as her first love. The two were neighbors, as well as on the swim team at school and competed in the same swim club. Esther held feelings for him for a long time but stayed quiet as he had a long-term girlfriend, Vivian. However, the night of after graduation, Esther drunkenly confessed to James but ran off before he could say anything. It wasn’t until recently that the two reconnected, via Facebook of course.

Vivian Doe: James’ high school sweetheart and late wife. Despite how kind and warm-hearted Vivian was, Esther resented her due to her feelings for James. Esther would often compare herself to Vivian, much like she did with her sister, as the two of them were nearly complete opposites. Vivian tragically passed away one year ago, leaving behind her husband and young daughter, Joanna.

Mijung Kwon: A close family friend of the Kim family, Esther definitely looked up to her “cousin” Mijung. Mijung, being three years older than Esther, had always been like the older sister she wished she had. Much like Esther, Mijung was the black sheep of her family, making her more relatable to her than Eunsung. Unfortunately, they have not spoken to one another since Mijung abandoned her over a year ago.

Juan Hernandez: Esther’s first relationship and her gateway into her cocaine addiction. Juan is the drummer for the local indie rock band called WEBB. Despite their large age gap of seven years, the two managed to stay together for over a year, and remain friends to this day.

Danny Choi: He’s the lead guitarist and singer for WEBB, the same band Juan plays in. He is the reason why Esther began selling cocaine and cannabis to support herself. He and Esther had a short sexual relationship which ended after her suicide attempt. Danny currently lives in Annandale, Virginia with his fiancée.

Overview:

Esther’s personality is a lot like an old impressionist painting. While sporadic and scattered in design, the intensity of the colors — much like her emotions — are what stand out the most. Through the years, the colors have faded and the edges have frayed, but the image still remains. While Esther has gone through many hardships and struggles, her compassion and ability to empathize still remains under her toughened-up exterior. Overcoming the obstacles have improved her resourcefulness and made her fearless, making her street-smart and ready to take risks. When dealing with confrontation, she chooses to fight over flight. However in response to stressful situations, she will escape through substance abuse, which allows her to mentally and emotionally detach herself from the present circumstances. Life has wrecked her sense of hope, causing her to expect the worst at all times.

Personality Tests:

MBTI: ISFP Introversion, Sensing, Feeling, Perception Esther’s personal moral code is very black and white, her assigned values of things are wrong or right depending on her experiences. A bit slower to pick up on others’ emotions, yet still capable of understanding them. While she doesn’t like hurting others, she doesn’t see it as her responsibility to keep them happy. When it comes to relating to others’ feelings, she will base her opinions off her own experiences. She is very aware of details of her surroundings; the environment will always affect her. Physical sensations are very important, hence her abuse of drugs. The aesthetics of things are vital to her, which justifies her strength in art. She is very passive aggressive, more on the aggressive side. Lastly, she will garner inspiration by her surroundings and experiences.

Enneagram: 4w5

Star Sign: Scorpio

Personality Traits:

Positive: Resourceful, dauntless, compassionate and perseverant.

Resourceful: Even before her life in Brooklyn, Esther would solve problems on her own, often utilizing whatever she had and making do with it. Her time on the streets have strengthened this trait immensely, especially when she was down on her luck and broke.

Dauntless: Few things scare Esther these days. She’s sure that she’s seen it all — abuse, dark variations of sex, drugs — and it doesn’t make her as anxious as it used to. As a child, Esther’s sense of adventure would tend to get her in trouble, especially with her family. Her lack of fear is both admirable and worrisome for those around her.

Compassionate: The one trait she inherited from her mother. Esther understands empathy and will do her best to show that she cares when it comes to the feelings of others. She’s a great listener and will try to give decent advice from time to time.

Perseverant: Definitely the one trait she inherited from her father. Even though there were many times Esther wanted to give up, she is quite a fighter; life has broken and beaten her down, but every time she will get back up, bruised knees and all.

Negative: Pessimistic, uncoordinated, quarrelsome and unstable.

Pessimistic: While she may be a fighter, Esther has lost her sense of hope, making her expect the worst possible outcomes in all situations. She sees life in a more cynical manner now, as if it’s a never-ending fight to stay alive.

Uncoordinated: Esther is the least organized person you will ever meet. She’s a slob, has no idea how to properly take care of herself and is rather unkempt. She prefers the ease of being able to find things where they are, not necessarily in their 'proper place.’ Even if it’s an absolute disaster, she finds it easier to live with.

Quarrelsome: Her temper is ridiculous. From a young age, Esther has a tendency to blow up when her emotions become overwhelming. When confronted, Esther will stand her ground and fight if necessary (and sometimes even when it’s unnecessary too).

Unstable: In relation to her disorder, Esther is very unstable with how she controls her emotions. Esther’s character — much like her mood — is sporadic and unpredictable. 

Interests:

Music: Electronic Dance Music (EDM); ODESZA, Above & Beyond, The Chainsmokers. Alternative/Grunge Rock; Nirvana, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, Temple of the Dog.

Books: She doesn’t read for fun anymore, but The Giver by Lois Lowry was an important book for her and James as they bonded over a literature assignment related to it.

Movies: Horror, especially classic horror; Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, Carrie.

Sports: Swimming. She swam competitively in high school.

Bipolar 1 Disorder:

Experiences mania; a heightened state of mood where she experiences euphoria, excitement and delusions. 

Will also go through depressive episodes, a low mood, where she may feel suicidal.

Has attempted suicide once by slitting her wrists.

Does not receive treatment due to both negligence and lack of health insurance. She could file for disability insurance but refuses to undergo drug tests.

Physical Characteristics: No longer swimming and working out as much as she used to, Esther has an average build for her very average height. Her body is pear-shaped, with thick thighs and a rather voluptuous bottom. Her eyes are big and brown, with a doe-like shape to them, making her appear like a doll. Her hair is currently cut just beneath her shoulders and dyed back to her natural color, dark brown. She sometimes will bleach and dye her hair unorthodox colors, usually while manic. Lastly, her hygiene is a bit lacking, as she will often go various days without taking a shower. A bit of deodorant and some body mist qualifies as proper personal care for Esther.

Tattoos: She has six tattoos since she moved to NYC. Her first one was of her mother's name in Simplified Chinese on her left wrist (facing away from her) and is the most important one to Esther. She has two flower tattoos on her upper thighs; the left consisting of orchids, the right with roses. Her biggest tattoo would be of a phoenix, taking up the entirety of her back (from the base of her neck down to her lower back). She also has a tattoo of a skull with opals in the sockets on the upper part of her right arm. Lastly, her most recent one would be a mermaid wrapped around an anchor with the words "Sink or Swim" under it, on the lower right side of her stomach.

Scars: Esther has two horizontal scars on her wrists from her suicide attempt.

Style: Edgy and grungy, with a little bit of goth thrown into the mix. She wears a lot of dark colors, especially blue, and has a tendency to wear plaid way more than she should. Her typical outfit would be a denim button-down shirt, a pair of leggings and her black Doc Martens paired with her black beanie. She’s not modest at all when it comes to fashion.