escarchitasblogging

[escarchitasblogging]

on missing your own sadness

quiero escribir acerca de esto porque creo que es algo importante para mí, y para mi recuperación.

me di cuenta, y me sigo dando cuenta a diario, que extrañamente extraño estar mal. y esto me perturba un poquito porque como que va en contra de todo lo que estoy haciendo: ir a terapia, tomar medicamentos que me receta la psiquiatra. todo para DEJAR de sentirme mal.

me explico; es como si estar bien fuera ajeno. como que pasé tanto tiempo refugiándome en estar triste, en tener depresión, en comer poco, en cortarme, en todas esas cosas, que cuando estoy "bien" i.e. no mal, extraño esos tiempos.

creo que harto tiene que ver con una comodidad que hay en estar triste, es como un estado de ánimo donde uno puede dejar toda otra preocupación y tu única preocupación es que estás triste, que te sientes tan como un pedazo de caca que como que nada importa ya, ya te sentís mal, ya está. no hay nada más que sentir.

por otro lado, también siento que tiene que ver con mis desórdenes alimenticios. cuando estoy bien no me preocupo tanto de si como o no, qué como, cómo se ve mi cuerpo. pero después cuando realmente me observo, no me gusto, no me gusta haber subido de peso probablemente a cause de los antidepresivos y de DEJAR DE ESTAR TRISTE y de ser miserable, que termino extrañando cuando estaba mal pero "por lo menos estaba flaca". es un pensamiento que escrito da asco, pero que hasta el día de hoy comparto.

creo que recuperarse, en gran parte, es aprender nuevamente a sentirse bien. parece obvio, pero tiene más de una capa. uno con terapia y con medicamentos intenta volver a sentirse bien, pero ninguna de las dos cosas te enseñan a volver a estar bien con ese sentimiento. después de pasar tanto tiempo triste, estar bien pasa a ser un sentimiento extraño. y uno no sabe como lidiar con lo extraño, lo extraño da miedo, lo extraño no gusta. es más cómodo refugiarse en la tristeza. no sé cómo cambiar eso

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update!!!! and picking up writing (hopefully)

wow. very irresponsible of me to have stopped coming here after writing about being suicidal... makes it sound like i committed. i didn't tho. clearly cause i am here writing this naow

anyways, gonna try to write what's been happening these days as much as i can remember, which had been really hard lately, but nowadays not that much!

firstly, about dissociating. i had some really weird days! right about when i stopped writing. i had never had that happening to me THAT bad before. i was dissociating almost daily the week prior to going to my psychiatrist appointment.

that entire week i felt like my life was a movie, like i wasn't living, but more like "life was living me". which is pretty weird. i felt like an outsider inside myself. my worst episode was the day i had a session with my therapist. that day everything she asked me it was so hard to answer! i felt like i had to look deep deep within to answer her questions, and every time it was so hard because it felt like looking into another person's inside. i can barely remember what i told her that day but i do know it was a super weird session. i was so dissociated even looking around.. vision was blurry. everything felt surreal. like a dream

later that week when i saw my psychiatrist i told her about that, and about other times where i lashed out on friends (for no reason) while having what i call "episodios" (depresivos) and saying awful awful things and then not remembering. at that point, when i told her, i wasn't completely sure if i was dissociating but she confirmed to me that that was what was happening to me. prescribed me an antipsychotic to help and since taking it i haven't felt like that anymore! so it worked apparently. yay for me because dissociating SUCKS.

she also changed my sleeping meds, cause i had been abusing the older ones so i felt like i needed new ones. of course i didn't exactly tell her that. i just told her they weren't working anymore and she switched me to another kind (zolpidem, or ambien). they've been working pretty well! but i liked how zopiclone knocked me out better. with zolpidem it's like you actually have to try to sleep for them to work for you, they don't knock you out. or at least not me

can't sleep without meds anymore, i'm almost scared to cause, like i told my psychiatrist that evening, that little time frame when you're trying to fall asleep, that half sleep state, makes me extremely anxious. still does

she also upped my sertraline dose.

i feel like everything has been working fine but i have a hard time being constant, taking them at the right times (even though i set up alarms) and then there's days i straight up don't take my meds. they make me a bit scared i think. specially the weight gain side effects :D

during that week and as of lately, i took a deep interest in reading and space and filosophy! it's all so interesting. i feel like my filosophy of life has changed even. i enjoy learning new things, like deeply. which i think will help for when i go back to college! i'm excited to learn now

i also came back to santiago and i now realize that might have to do with me feeling better. as much as i like to feel like i don't like being with my mom and sister because they need me too much and baby me too much, i needed them. it's been nice being with them again

another exciting thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vi a briceño en vivo. FOR FREE????????? me firmó un disco, "con mucho <3". loved it!!!!!!!

[escarchitasblogging]

weird few days

contents: dissociating?

i've been feeling REALLY strange these past few days, like i'm not me kind of? sometimes i feel like disoriented almost . have a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror, remembering things i did.. life feels surreal sometimes. i wonder if im dissociating or something ;; have to mention to my therapist

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feeling sewer sidal

contents: jsut me wanting to die *in spanish*

me siento pésimo ahora mismo, creo que soy un fracaso total . fracasé en vivir, y cuando uno fracasa supongo que le quedan dos opciones: pararse e intentar de nuevo o rendirse. creo que no tengo fuerzas suficientes para pararme e intentar de nuevo, llevo meses tratando de dar ese primer paso y justo cuando parece que ya lo dí, que ya mejoro, que me voy a mejorar; justo ahí, empeoro. sinceramente creo que no hay salvación

lo único que me mantiene aquí aún es pensar en el dolor que le causaría a mi familia si me suicidara pero esa línea es cada vez más y más pequeña. cuando uno lleva tanto tiempo peleando contra algo más grande que sí mismo lo unico que quiere es un poco de descanso, pero la enfermedad no descansa y ya estoy cansada. AGOTADA, quiero paz. quiero una vida tranquila. una vida donde no me consuma la enfermedad mental

de verdad siento que ya no hay vuelta atrás, ya me cagué la vida, echarla a la basura me importa poco. es más, sería un alivio

[escarchitasblogging]

contents: insomnia, bad health

i haven't been able to sleep well in what feels like months now, it absolutely sucks ass. its 5:14am now . nowadays i go to sleep when the sun is already coming out , and then its just the pure exhaustion that knocks me out. i hate that "limbo" when youre in bed trying to sleep and it just doesnt come, i get filled with thoughts so i just try and go to sleep only when i feel like i cant withhold the state of being awake anymore

the worst part i think is when i do fall asleep the quality of it sucks as well, i wake up multiple times or have weird dreams, or both ! GOD just give me a BREAK will u

i been struggling with insomnia for a while now but i feel its only now that i can truly sense the way lack of sleep is affecting me and my body (not to mention the effects of my ed too..) and i can just FEEL the weakness. and i look the part tbh, i look like shit all the time. its like its not just mental exhaustion now, my body's starting to give out too :)

im not sure what to do about all this, i feel like the pills arent working anymore and im seeing my psychiatrist next week i just .. im desperate. i want my normal life back . every aspect of it has been taken away from me and im not sure i can get even get it back together anymore

sometomes death just seems like the only suitable option

[escarchitasblogging]

uhh.. about last night

contents: sexsi time, people i like (apparently), thoughts on polyamory, needy of validation

so! last night i s3xted for the first time with some rando i found on t1nd3r. idk why i did it tbh it was on impulse but the thing is the interaction made me realize a few things i think?

first, i realized i sometimes have these "episodes" where i crave some sort of validation i guess and end up on sites like t1nd3r ... i enjoy the validation of my body but i truly get nothing out of it really. after i realize what i did while on a different state of mind im like wait ... i did that? that is not really like me

now on the experience of last night................

i didn't come LMAo ofc. was lame. i think i was not turned on by what this dude was sending but rather i think just liked the feeling of some1 being turned on by me. bleh, you know, validashun

i found myself thinking stuff like "wish i was doing this with a girl" (lol gay) AND i also found myself thinking about el fran .............. fuck .

let's dive into that cause .man . i hate that dude

pls ive thinking a lot abt him lately WHYYYY HE SUCKS AS A PERSON. he sucks ass fr

but WHY do i still want to kiss him and stuff.

i'm not entirely sure if he came to mind because i still like him or because i was just horn knee and i find it WAYYYY better to do it w someone i have an emotional connection to but i wish he didn't cause its making me consider to get involved w him. though i dont really think i want to be in like a romantic relationship w him, i think i'm thru w liking him (?!) but i do want to kiss him and touch him still

he introduced me (kinda? not really, but it was like my very first first-hand experience w it) to being polyamory. and even if we were never anything he did tell me at some point like "hey so moving forward just a heads up im polyamorous so how u feel abt that" and at the time i remember it was like devastating LMAO i wanted him only for me ig . but LATELY. lately i've been more and more into the idea of bein polyamorous and i think it's quite nice (it is pretty crazy trying to possess someone only for yourself right? and like limiting yourself to loving only one person romantically .. why) so i've been considering getting involved w him like that. i guess its more of like a "welp, open thing, no strings attached?" kinda thought. i don't believe i can be polyamorous w him healthily really, truly feel he only uses people . love that for me <3

i think i'd only trust a la mery on something like that being done healthily

i think i have a little crush on her but im not sure its because i am emotionally needy and she supports me so much or because i really wish to be in a relationship w a woman or because i genuinely like her . i mean i DO like her a lot, truly believe we're soulmates,, but do i want her romantically ? much to think abt. for now, the idea feels nice to me :)

im scared my advances make her uncomfy tho and i wouldnt like ruining our cute dynamic at all. i love us . actually writing this i thin k i do like her fuck

that's it for this one.

[escarchitasblogging]

first entry

henro! starting this cause i just want to put my thoughts out there so this is kinda like a journal. just a silly little place for my silly little depressed thoughts

could be fun