This week it's like I'm just so burnt out with life that nothing really makes me feel motivated to even make myself proud.
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A fekete hamutál
Hajnali hat. Sűrű köd van, a hideg belĂĽlrĹ‘l Ă©get, furcsa ellentĂ©t. A teraszon ĂĽlök, a kavĂ©mbĂłl már csak a langyos maradĂ©k maradt, meg a bögre aljára kiĂĽlt csömör kristálycukor. EgyedĂĽl vagyok, csend van, csak a fekete hamutál nĂ©z vissza rám, mĂ©lyĂ©rĹ‘l gyenge fĂĽst hömpölyög, legnagyobb fĂ©lelmeim hangján szĂłlva hozzám. Hirtelen mintha erĹ‘södne a szĂ©l, de talán csak a gondolataim vihara engedi Ă©rezni ezt. NĂ©zem a fĂĽstcsĂkot, egyre gyorsabban gomolyog, kis körökben száll, mindegyik egy-egy sötĂ©t gondolatot köp ki a fekete hamutál mĂ©lyĂ©rĹ‘l. Nem bĂrom tovább. MĂ©g utoljára beleszagolok a szállĂł szĂĽrke felhĹ‘be. Majd elnyomom a csikket. A fĂĽst nem száll tovább. Mintha elmĂ©m zártam volna el a gondolatoktĂłl.
De a fekete hamutál a patkányon tátong tovább.
/21.11.25/
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The word home
We usually use this for the place we live in. But it's actually more than a house, more than the place you were born to. this word suppose to describe a feeling. when your heart and your soul is in complete peace, when you don't have to hide anything what your existence evolves. this kind of peace usually comes with an other place, not your exact home, or with a person. Home. It has a different meaning for everyone.
Think about it. When your world is completely fall apart, what you need the the most. Your house? Your bed? Not necessarily. It's more a place far from reality, or someone's hug, someone's soul.
When you feel that the world's weight doesn't matter.
/22.01.31./
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a kényelmes csend
a kettőnk nem-létezésében
a legszebb dolog amit
minden valóságban elképzeltem
/21.10.25/ S
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idő
HazafelĂ© Ăşton a busz ablakán nĂ©ztem a várost amit sokkal inkább otthonomnak tekintek, mint a várost ahol Ă©lek. Életem legjelentĹ‘sĂ©gteljesebb idĹ‘szakát Ă©ltem meg itt, olyan emberekkel körĂĽlvĂ©ve, akik hatalmas mĂ©rtĂ©kben járultak hozzá ahhoz, aki ma vagyok. VelĂĽk Ă©s saját magammal egy olyan Ă©letet Ă©pĂtettem ki, amit nem tudok elkĂ©pzelni máshogy. De máshogy lesz. Ez az Ă©let rendje, mondják, Ă©s tĂ©nyleg Ăgy van. KeserĂ©des Ă©rzĂ©sekkel tekintek a jövĹ‘ Ă©vre. Csendesen nĂ©zek ki az ablakon azon tűnĹ‘dve, hogy körĂĽlöttem az emberek vajon hallják-e az agyam Ă©s a szĂvem zavaros gondolatait. Mindenki felnĹ‘tt körĂĽlöttem. IgazábĂłl Ă©n is, mĂ©gis olyan Ă©rzĂ©s, mintha mindenki tĂşlnĹ‘tt volna rajtam. ÉrettsĂ©gi, egyetem, dolgok, amelyek klasszikus esetben most az Ă©n Ă©letem szerves rĂ©szĂ©t is kĂ©peznĂ©k. Szinte mindenki, akivel egyĂĽtt töltöttem az utĂłbbi Ă©veket, elĂ©rkezett ehhez a mĂ©rföldkĹ‘höz. Már mikor idejöttem, mondták, hogy ez nehĂ©z lesz, Ă©s ahogy egyre közeledĂĽnk hozzá, egyre inkább ezt Ă©rzem. Azok az emberek, akik mellett mindennap elsĂ©tálok a folyosĂłn, mĂ©g ha nem is ismertem Ĺ‘ket, megszokott közeget alkottak. Másokkal emlĂ©keim, közösen átĂ©lt felejthetetlen Ă©lmĂ©nyeim vannak. A mindennapjaim szerves rĂ©szei. És ott vannak a legközelebbiek. KĂ©t ember, akikkel talán a legtöbb idĹ‘t töltöttem, Ă©s a jelenlĂ©tĂĽk olyan megszokássá vált, mint akár a szĂĽleimĂ©. A legjobb barátaim. MĂ©rhetetlen bĂĽszkesĂ©get Ă©rzek akárhányszor rájuk nĂ©zek Ă©s belegondolok, hogy felnĹ‘ttek, Ă©s Ă©letĂĽk egyik legfontosabb akadályát kĂ©szĂĽlnek megugorni kĂ©t hĂłnapon belĂĽl. És elmennek. A hĂ©tköznapokbĂłl. Az Ă©letem rĂ©szei maradnak, hisz nem a világ vĂ©gĂ©re költöznek, Ă©s gyakran látom majd Ĺ‘ket. MĂ©gis, hosszĂş napokig csupán chatfejek lesznek. Fizikailag messze. Szinte nem is Ă©rtettem, miĂ©rt fájhat a gondolat ennyire, hiszen nem veszĂtem el Ĺ‘ket, de utána rájöttem. Az Ă©n környezetem ugyanaz marad, kvázi ugyanazt a körforgást fogom átĂ©lni, viszont a napjaimat nĂ©lkĂĽlĂĽk kell tervezni. Nem várjuk be egymást a sulinál vagy nem tervezzĂĽk meg, mikor menjĂĽnk le este eltölteni egy kis idĹ‘t. Olyan lesz, mintha az idĹ‘ nekik továbbhaladt volna, nekem viszont megállt volna egy ponton, s Ĺ‘k elhaladnak mellettem. Nem tudom, hogy, vagy mikor telt el ez a nĂ©gy Ă©v. Mire feleszmĂ©ltem, ott tartunk, hogy kĂ©t hĂłnapig tart már csak ez a fennállĂł állapot. Utána valami Ăşj kezdĹ‘dik. Minden könnyebb lenne, ha ezt egyszerre Ă©lhetnĂ©m meg velĂĽk.
Furcsa lesz jövőre, és hosszú, nagyon hosszú. Üres. De a lelkem mélyén tudom, hogy minden rendben lesz, mert úgy kell lennie és nehéz szavakkal elmagyarázni, hogy mennyire örülök nekik és mennyire büszke vagyok rájuk. Hisz az ő életükben új kaland kezdődik, el sem tudom képzelni mennyire várják, hisz ez egy hatalmas dolog, és nagyon szeretném az érezni amit ők éreznek most. Hisz ez egy hatalmas dolog.
/22.02.27/
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that prom night
The best definition for last night's prom would be 'beautiful pain'.
Seeing three of the most important people of my life who i grew up with filled my heart with pride.
They were beautiful while dancing waltz in elegant dresses. I saw everything on their face.
I watched them, and all my memories with them came to my mind from the past 4 years, as bittersweet tears gathered in my eyes.
I saw them growing, maturing, failing, achieving. They were part of my everyday life since I met them for the first time. We have a whole history.
And know, they are at the gates of adulthood, and I couldn't be happier than to have been able to accompany them on this journey.
I love them so much.
–saját
2021. 12. 12.
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Short thought about love languages
What is my love language?
Sometimes I don't know.
There was a time when I thought it was a love language to become a person's double-A-battery, their life-force and I tried hard to achive that.
Then, I met my people and I realized that those day were so toxic and I barely knew how to love.
Now, there are my loved ones, and all of of them are beautifully different, I love them differently, thus the love languages I give and receive is also variant.
It's always been hard for me to show my love, so it seemed that I don't really care while my heart was full of hard love for those true ones. I had troubles with giving physical touch or kind words because I always had a fear that I'm too much and there was a time when ones actually made me feel I actually am.
So I had to fight and I'm still fighting with this but my important one's are teaching me day by day how to show and manage love.
I realized that it depends on the other person or my mood witch love language I like to give and receive. Quality time was always really important to me so I can be glued to only those who are into it too. There are some who give me little compliments randomly so I also do it.
And there's physical touch, witch was probably the biggest war of mine earlier. I don't mean receiving especially, I mean giving it. And I'm so so grateful for those who showed me what power it has and that I could never do anything bad with being physically needy.
But overall, my love language is me. Cause, it's possible that I love in a weird and inexplicable way sometimes but I love hard with all my little heart.
–saját
2021. 12. 09.
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I want you to tell me
all the bad things you've ever done.
Every terrible thought
you've ever had.
The deepest, darkest
parts of your soul.
And I want you to watch me love you anyway.
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And then you told me you have never seen me smiling like i did that night near the lake. You said it was an unforgettable experience. And it really was. I don't know how I was smiling or how i was looking at you cause I'm sure it was instinctive and unique. Like I couldn't imagine I would be able to smile at person like at you, because you are that one person my soul highlights from others and treats you special. And that night was so beautiful and I can't really explain but it was like a dream come true, and all the bad things I went through before thinking about you suddenly disappeared and you made me the happiest I've ever been. And all the good things you gave me in the last few months reached a point that was euphoric. You probably can't imagine the way you looked at me but I can tell you that I have never seen no eyes sparkle as much as when you look at me. So how could I not smile at you the way I wouldn't be able to at any other human being.
–saját
21/11/07 S
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she stands beneath
the skies of ash
rain streaking her skin
and like an angel craving chaos
her cracked lips become a grin
–saját
21/11/18
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