erzawinanto - Tumblr blog

[erzawinanto]

Malam lain di mana kita terjaga Cukup sunyi namun banyak suara Sudah enam kabisat ku lalui Tidak ada yang bisa ku banggakan hingga kini Suatu hari aku bermimpi Suatu hidup normal yang ku jalani Bayangan itu hilang tertiup angin di jalan Pada malam dengan cahaya remang Aku pergi berdoa ke masjid Aku pergi untuk menguras fisik Kita tahu itu hanya terkesan baik Balik, balik, balik Sepertinya kita tidak akan pernah tahu Apa yang terjadi jika aku sedikit lebih dulu Tapi tidak apa-apa sekarang ya Sebuah cerita di dekade kedua Harapanku juga sederhana Mungkin kau juga sama Namun kita bisa mengerti semua Untuk lanjut jalan dan mungkin bersua Dalam pikiranku yang hilang tanpa suara Sepertinya menyenangkan ya Hari-hari di mana aku menulis Merangkai kata cerita hingga puitis Disusun sambil sendiri berpetualang Terlihat keren namun rindu pulang Jiwa raga yang aku korbankan pada hal yang selalu luar dugaan Di dunia yang tidak pernah memberikanmu kepuasan Mungkin aku akan membuat sesuatu Masa bodoh, aku tidak akan bertaruh Bekerja pada jalan berputar Takut untuk berhenti atau berubah Sepertinya kita terjebak di 19 Perasaan aku bisa menjadi seseorang Apakah dia hilang seperti angan? Benakku tidak baik-baik saja Namun aku tidak tahu kenapa Kenapa mata ini sering terjaga Apakah aku pria yang sempurna? Sudahku kurangi kebiasaan rokoknya Aku bermimpi pada kursi penumpang kau ada Kita tertawa karena bersama bernostalgia Cahaya kota menyinari bagai harapan Kemerlip, akankah kau mengantarku pulang?

[erzawinanto]

Percakapan anonim di sore hari Akhir pekan berakhir sebentar lagi Mangadu nasib, mengumbar jati diri Aku dan kamu bertemu nanti, tapi

Janganlah kita melihat akhir dari cerita Aku akan tetap tinggal Ketika kau takut dan cemas Dan aku tenggelam dalam kelam Berikan aku semua malam mu Aku akan selalu mau mengantarkanmu pulang

Genggam tanganku di siang itu Ku buat perjalanan ini lebih panjang Aku akan selalu ada nanti tiap kau mengangkat piala Atau tiap kau pulang hanya dengan dahaga, tapi

Janganlah kita melihat akhir dari cerita Aku akan tetap tinggal Ketika kau takut dan cemas Dan aku tenggelam dalam kelam Berikan aku semua malam mu Aku akan selalu mau mengantarkanmu pulang

Janganlah nanti lupakan kenangan Karena mereka tidak akan melupakanmu Dan aku tak akan melupakanmu Jangan sampai kamu kembali menjadi asing Yang bisa aku kenali di mana pun kita bertemu, maka Percakapan hangat di malam hari Hari minggu berakhir sebentar lagi Membuka diri, kita coba menari Aku dan kamu selamanya nanti, tapi

Janganlah kita melihat akhir dari cerita Aku terus berusaha untuk ada Ketika kau takut dan cemas Dan aku tenggelam dalam kelam Aku mau bagian dari cerita mu Aku akan selalu mau mengantarkanmu pulang

[erzawinanto]

Let me lie down with you as we just stare at the ceiling Invade my lungs, you're all I want to breathe Sweet silence, we'll spend each other night I'll let you fall asleep in my arms just right

I say I love you in secret, without reason And I'd kiss your forehead goodnight Let me frame it, your last twenty-five Narrowed my eyes, pausing this life

I could've spent forever holding your hands Picture of your face all over my sketches Intrusive thoughts taking over my dreamland I don't want to seek another faces

Some peace of mind I'd kill for so long I've been waiting on the day all along Would you take me and not look back Good gracious, gave me a heart attack

[erzawinanto]

It was unfortunate that the fever caught me by At the end of that summer night You crossed my path through a swipe Safe to say that I was charmed I heard you and other faces went quiet

Well, you don't know much about me I'll explain it as best I can I was too long hiding under the shadow Of someone whose always on the run Time is wasted on a boy who is faking Always pretending just to be a man I'm sorry, did I get it wrong for you, babe?

Guess I don't know anything about it, then I don't want to fuck it all up Yet I got overwhelmed, Under your blue shades Got me feeling all the feels As our hands finally meet But I don't want to speak too soon So I just pray it's all true

[erzawinanto]

It was a long damn drive On my black Toyota I was harmonizing to some folk anthem And you sat there in silence

You took that cigarette out of my pocket Said, "I thought you'd quit smoking." Followed with stories till it past midnight We're falling slowly, just right

And I don't want to go I've had moments I don't want to play dead, yet Walking on a tightrope, It was a few meters off the ground Just be here, be close Putting up some inevitable fights We might make it through the night We can do it right

Now look how far we've come Three months later, are we still counting? I'm not looking down

With every path and crossroads Where we could go somewhere around Or we could call it's done

But I don't want to go I've had moments I don't want to play dead, yet Walking on a tightrope, It was a few meters off the ground Just be here, be close Putting up some inevitable fights We might make it through the night I hope we can do it right

I picked up the notes you gave as we go I know where I'm wrong, and I'll learn not to be Are we still going to that city where I studied? Ask me anytime, and I'll be ready

[erzawinanto]

Are you pretty sure we're still dancing Or just moving cause the music is still playing

I think I know the reason you have that new tattoo It is one of the best times of your life, huh To be in the movies early in your twenties The way you tell your story too Honestly, I'm kinda jealous of what you've been through

Oh, what did your past lover do that get you swept off your feet? Don't you raise your hopes too much from me? If you're still looking for your past in the present time My insecurities starting to bother me, clouding my mind

Why are we forcing things that are not meant to be Are you sure we're still trying? Whatever it is we're going through, I'm staying Either as a friend or your significant other

We're too comfortable to go for a sail Put a tick mark on each other resume Closing half of our eyes just to go with it The time we're spending is it worth the memories? Somehow I'm unsure

People know me as being too loyal to anybody To the point I considered myself walking in the night, blind Just let me know, and I'll set my priorities right If you want to make memories, align with mine I don't have anybody else to please But I do know how to spare my time

I'll never know how this story is going to end I know we cannot make any commitment But when it ended, and our scars started to mend Will I have the legacy to be inked on your skin?

I don't know whether I'm done picking up petals from roses Filled up with thorns, so long play time bruises I don't want to be the one that burned bridges But sometimes, moving forward means losing faces

I'll change for the better, but I won't leave my ground I'll stay for you, but maybe not for the closest bound We'll let time heal each other wound

But no matter how it burry our memories pass on, I promise I won't be that hard to be found Best believe I'll stay dancing to the same song

[erzawinanto]

Fast food on the ground floor, where you at? Smirk smile in the center with black hat We sat there, stayed awhile for a chat Are we ready to see this whereat

That stares and your dark hair, fancy shoes Damn, well, it is nice to finally meet you Imagine all of the things we could do All of this because I like you

Let's drive far away from this city Take some time to pause our reality Whatever you've been through lately, You can always let your head lay on me

We're not bound to promises We're just trying to make it count And for you, I'd go places To keep you safe and sound

Long drive with my hands up in your hair Sound of your deep breath as I stare Long traffic, under rainstorms in cold air Don't let these moments go to wear

Raindrops, in the highway, me and you You're unlike everyone that I knew Thousands of scenarios in my head pass-through Did I touch you the way you wanted me to?

My hand on the steering wheel And the other one next to you It doesn't matter how the weather feels Please hold my hand, out of the blue

Am I still a stranger to you? Do I get the privilege of being on your mind? Please give me a clue Do you ever think about me all the time?

[erzawinanto]

Am I ready for giving up hope for a different past? To know that the past is over, the dust has settled and the destruction left in its wake could never be reconstructed to resemble what it was. There's no magic solution to the damage that's been caused. As unfair as the hurricane was, you still have to live in its city of ruins.

The past is over yet the story isn't. Can I meet you along the way until the book is over or are you just another chapter? Drawbacks are necessary but why am I worried?

It's not the end of all the ending, but are our broken bones are mending? With all the night we're spending?

I'll stay for a while to know that you are. Waitng for this melatonin to kicks in.

[erzawinanto]

It was 2.30 on my way back to Jakarta On the highway run with a dim light on Trying to sleep like everyone else Yet sometimes awaken by the road ahead

It was everyone versus everything Some parents crossed the borderline to see their only son Some strangers risked their only hope to meet their faith And there was me trying to get home

We never met yet our feelings mutual We shared each other silence, And drowned in the loud judgments in our presence How can anyone be so subtle

Sleeping in the midnight bus I ain't ever worried about us Cancelled plans, hard to trust Did I ever cross your mind once?

[erzawinanto]

Awareness

I can feel the sky Running the clouds before it starts to rain I can feel the earth Slowly spinning around through time and space Is it that easy to ignore? The slightest change inside someone else's brain?

Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow Accepting the mildest objections Invisible smoke inside your studio Graveyard of a thousand intentions

I can feel the pain From the tiniest papercut between your fingers I can read your mind Stories unfold with a secret lingers

Everything moves so fast in motion I get overwhelmed, I'd be alone Trying to numb my mind and emotions I wish I'm not that kind of person

[erzawinanto]

You used to count on this train Sitting on a 90-degree seat Escaping from the teenage pain You ran away in a beat

Whatever happened in your 20s You pushed yourself to find your limit From your physical self to your feelings There is almost nothing between it

You'll climb those Mountains, and swim into the deep You'll break your heart, you'll break someone else's You'll try to find something to fill your void You'll realise it was just a phase

I took this train back just to feel back again Those tiring hours under this midnight rain Or am I just running away from the current pain? These nostalgic feelings to keep me sane

[erzawinanto]

You're wide awake before the sun breaks Ready to run down the country lane All of your friends that you texted Ready to dance under the midnight rain

For a minute there, it was perfect Crashed and burned, but it's worth it Bittersweet memories won't stop me To come back to this beautiful scenery

I know it was over I know we're all clear But I love this city Though I'm not really from here

Let me rewrite some of my memories After all this years

[erzawinanto]

Ketika malam ditutupi oleh awan Pengalaman berjalan sendiri di kegelapan Apakah kau melihat kilaunya berlian? Terusap di pipinya berjatuhan

Aku tak tahu apa yang harus ku lakukan Tetapi jika ia bersedih, maka aku juga sama Hanya bisa diam, aku biarkan Kutemani hingga entah pukul berapa

Dia bercerita "aku tak sanggup lagi" Tangisnya seperti permata di pipi Dan mereka membuatku biru Karena aku tak sanggup membantu

Dia duduk sembari menghadap depan Tak apakah aku mengalihkan pikiran? Mungkin ini hanya sebentar Namun itu tidak terasa benar

Di bawah cahaya kota, Ia mengusap matanya Tak tahu mengapa Aku menangis juga Jangan sampai ia melihatnya

Akhir dari malam Ia mencoba terpejam Karena tiap fajar di esok harinya Terasa ia lebih baik-baik saja

Tinggal jejak permata miliknya Sudah mengering tiada sisa

[erzawinanto]

Sejujurnya aku hampir tidak pernah menyentuh puzzle. Karena aku pasti menghindari konflik dan kekacauan. Jika sudah terlanjur, aku akan (merasa) terpaksa untuk menyelesaikannya. Bagaimana perasaan mu sekarang? Sudah baik-baik saja kah setelah pandemi? Mungkin status pandemi di Indonesia belum selesai atau sudah dinyatakan hilang sepenuhnya. Tetapi orang-orang mulai balik ke rutinitas mereka. Jalanan mulai macet seperti biasa. Tempat-tempat seperti mall dan taman mulai ramai. Orang-orang sudah menganggap CoVid sebagai flu biasa (percayalah, itu bukan flu biasa, karena aku akhirnya alumni juga). Aku akhirnya mendapatkan arisan juga pada bulan agustus lalu. Itu buruk, tetapi mungkin tidak seburuk pada gelombang pertama atau kedua lalu. Kami sekeluarga cukup isolasi mandiri saja. Cukup telat memang, 2 tahun setelahnya. Banyak yang telah terjadi 2 tahun terakhir. Aku akhirnya mendapatkan closure dari beberapa kawan. Aku mendapatkan pekerjaan yang aku dulu bicarakan di tingkat akhir kuliah. Memang untuk mencapai ini aku harus melalui beberapa krisis identitas, haha. Hei! bukannya tahun lalu aku belajar finance? ya betul sekali. Namun memang Tuhan paling bisa untuk membalikkan hati. Terlalu banyak yang barubah terlalu banyak yang juga tinggal. Dinamika seperempat abad. Apakah orang-orang juga mengalami hal yang sama? Bulan Juni lalu aku bertemu kembali dengan orang yang dulu aku kenal cukup dekat. Cukup senang karena dia menyisihkan waktunya yang sekarang sepertinya lebih sibuk. Basa-basi hidup, kerjaan, bahkan cuaca. Namun memang, semua terasa berubah, dan aku mengerti kenapa. Namun aku berusaha menurunkan gengsiku untuk meminta maaf dan menjelaskan semua yang terjadi di malam itu. Kebebasan yang ternyata hanya merindu, andaikan aku sadar apa yang aku punya masa itu. Haha. Insomnia ku beberapa minggu terakhir cukup parah. Tertidur jam 11 kemudian terbangun dan terjaga dari pukul 3. Semua skenario yang ada 2 tahun terakhir atau bahkan sampai sebelumnya tertayang di belakang kepala. Seperti memori  kamu tertawa di kursi penumpang, makanan cepat saji dan percakapan tak tertulis di parkiran. Bersyukur ada 5 mg melatonin yang sudah aku beli bulan lalu. Mungkin ini hanya pikiran penuh harapan atau mimpi tanpa pikiran. Jika masih ada kemungkinan atau kesempatan mungkin akan aku ambil kembali. Apakah aku masih dalam penyangkalan? Apakah kita bisa mengubah pikiran kita yang dulu? Apakah aku bisa merelakan harapan untuk masa lalu yang berbeda? Dua tahun lalu, ketika aku menerima puzzle ini, aku tidak langsung membukanya. Karena aku tahu pikiranku akan terdistraksi, tertantang untuk langsung menyelesaikannya. Namun aku butuh distraksi akhir-akhir ini. Ini mungkin kali pertama dan terakhir aku membuka dan menyelesaikannya. Dua tahun memang terkesan lama, namun pengalaman ku dengan CoVid akhirnya sampai juga. Jika ini butuh waktu dan bukan merupakan garis yang lurus, ketahuilah kita ada dalam terminal yang sama. Jika kita akan kesana, aku tidak tahu dimana, mungkin aku akan menyusul. Namun, hati-hati lah di jalan. Mungkin kita akan cukup beruntuk untuk bisa bertemu atau berpapasan di depan. Sampai jumpa kembali.

[erzawinanto]

Truth be told, I'm curious to the bone With words you said, stories unspoken It's alright, and It's nice not to be so alone Little laugh between each conversation

Are we counting days or saving hopes We're running too fast, tangled in ropes Brand new car with a coffee scent A little scar that would never mend

Red light dimming in the darkest night I stood there under the stop sign mark Will you hang out here for a while? Two-line talk for a mile?

I'm holding on to your secrets In our conclusion, foregone Will every our first mistakes Get us right later on?

[erzawinanto]

Kertasnya Harvest

[erzawinanto]

Perjalanan mu datang mengantarmu pergi Biarkan rasa yang kau pendam itu kemari Siapkah kamu untuk tiba Mengambil langkah selanjutnya Yang tak pernah kembali?

Apakah kau mencintainya Atau hanya menutupinya Akankah ia bersimpuh luruh Ketika kau mengecup keningnya Apa yang kau rasa sebenarnya?

Hujan datang membawa awan pergi Berdialektika dengan Tuhan hingga pagi Siapkah kamu untuk tiba Mengambil langkah selanjutnya Yang tak akan kembali?