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Will we ever found each other?

Will I found you first?

Or will you found me first?

If I do, will I ever have the courage to let you know?

And if you do, will you help me know that you do?

Why do I feel like I'd be a bad change in your life if ever come into you?

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Hi there, internet. Im alive.

Dont worry cs its my latest scan yet, so theres only a couple bits left.

I know it obviously sounds cringe but i just want to say please take care of yourself, do cherish your life even as bitter as it gets since you will never know when it might end.

I honestly so lost back then and i really dared god to just end myself.

Yet im actually that coward when it came onto my door.

I couldnt bear the pain nor the suffering as if a second lasted forevermore.

I couldnt sleep, i couldnt lay still nor walk cs my legs gave up to even try to stood still, i couldnt control my breath, it didnt even felt like theres an air taking in, i urinate blood shot, the pain rendered me so numb i couldnt even control whats leaking out from it, i couldnt process anything i forced myself to eat, its like whatever im taking in was clogged and never went through no matter how long the time has passed, i even felt more relief throwing it all up along the blood clot that i didnt even know happening inside my stomach. i couldnt feel an inch of what i know was my body except the pain that kept reminding me that im still conscious enough to even think as if god was telling me you get what you asked for so now show me.

I couldnt bear hearing my parents woes screaming at the medics to transplant whatever i need from them when they refused to act without further checkups on my body. I couldnt bear hearing them cry saying why cant it be them instead over and over and over that tore my heart to shreds im so sick of it.

I couldnt bear knowing my parents spent their whole fortune to save a life that i so easily throw away just cause.

Worse that i couldnt end myself anymore knowing everything had done to safe this very life that was mine.

And i dont think its only mine at this point.

I dont know how long of whats left of me; they said even if my body able to stop making more of these, it wont ignore the damage on the tissue that was caused from their previous ones. All i could do was giving it time and ease the work that it might need to heal. Worst case it doesnt recover and led to an organ failure, where i could start the countdown since a transplant would only mean a meager of bought time.

And god doesnt seem finished yet; cs now i got myself indebted to the people that holds me dear, i got myself an actual stable job in a company that took care of me and my future (if i get that far) family akin to what my dad did, i got myself cleared from various things that would have troubled me prior all this, and more as if god is trying to test me still with whatever he wanted from me.

Welp i think i should stop it here cs i kept editing it over and over and i felt like some are better to be kept private, but i just want to share this bit so that maybe others like me who might read this would be more kind to themself and cherish whatever theirs with their own ways.

And maybe the fact that you cant refuse the love others gave you no matter how you refuse it with all your might. You might not love yourself but others do, and they love you more than you do, than you ever will give yourself to. You might not realize that you are loved until you are forced to realize that you are loved by things you refused to acknowledge your whole life in denial to.

So please live; cs maybe there will be a time where its our turn to be there for someone else or someone we love when the time comes, or at least thats what i wanna do if i ever get to be one after experiencing all of this.

Or maybe im just dumb and this is yet another bullshit that only i can relate to.

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Dive.

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All my previous rant is a bullshit. Because i decided to resign after all. All of this is just too much. It really does. I hope my resignation letter would be kindly granted so i could leave my post as soon and as proper as possible. Hopeful but finger crossed.

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Yesterday i got the chance to talk to my old close (?) friend, my college old friend. Idk if i could call him an old friend but its been 3 years—i think—since we last had a real conversation other than those in the group chats. Well its not a real conversation either cs we could only talk by a video call since we live in a different time zone now. Its really nice of him to let me bother his time cs im the one who asked if we could set a time to talk. I jokingly asked his wife to let me borrow him for minute to talk and she said you can have him as long as you need him to and we just laughed. Maybe she knew of me from him, or maybe he had told her that im going to call him for smth, well idk. But whats clear was that i need his point of view on my problem. I know its rare for me to tell someone about whats going on with my life and he does know that as well so maybe thats why he told me that he got all the time in the world for his brother (?)—that was an exaggeration coming for him, really—and im so grateful for it. Then we talk, we laugh, we annoy each other, just like we used to back then in college. He gave me advices, encouragements, and support. I almost cried for a sec but im just too ashamed to do so, not in front of him—well i do now—it has been to much lately. Im just so lost. Idk why i choose to talk to him tbh. Maybe cs by chance the other day he text me "how's life?" and i give in. I just have the feeling that he wont mind. After all i know who he is, his other faces. And he know who i am, my other faces as well. In a good way, i mean. We all had our share of what we had to hide from the world. I just know about it back then was also by chance, cs we spent our college time mostly hand in hand. Sometimes i deal with his, cs he cant put off his mask. And the same goes with me when i cant put off my mask. And obviously he was the only friend from my college days who still personally text me from time to time. Im so grateful for him. Now my resolve was clear. I just had to do it. I just had to try it. If its still the same then so be it. Life wont ever be so kind after all. So i might as well be damned with it.

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So this is how its feels like to be haunted by work. Feeling so restless that i cant sleep even when i had forced myself to in every way possible like how i used to. I really dont know if im literally sick atm but my entire body has been feeling like at a constant of burning up all the time and i haven't got an enjoyable sleep for the past 3 or 4 days now. I dont know where to vent all these things around me. It made me want to rethink again what my aim what my rules on what to do and how to proceed. This is my first time buying a sleeping pills and consuming one. I really dont know what to do. I just want to be okay. Or for tomorrow at least. I really dont know.

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I have been using blloc for 3 months now and im still so in love with the way it redesign my home screen. Though yes i still hope they could fix some little things to make it perfect but nothing's perfect, no? I hope they could get all the love they deserve so they know that people like me really loves their product and though it unlikely i hope they could make one for iphones as well in the future.

Im also thankful for tanida-san for her permission to let me use her work as my wallpaper. Its sad that her twitter disappeared last week and though it might be selfish of me to hope that she was okay and safe when she might not, but i still hope so. I just wish for her safety and good well being.