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Hi there, internet. Im alive.

Dont worry cs its my latest scan yet, so theres only a couple bits left.

I know it obviously sounds cringe but i just want to say please take care of yourself, do cherish your life even as bitter as it gets since you will never know when it might end.

I honestly so lost back then and i really dared god to just end myself.

Yet im actually that coward when it came onto my door.

I couldnt bear the pain nor the suffering as if a second lasted forevermore.

I couldnt sleep, i couldnt lay still nor walk cs my legs gave up to even try to stood still, i couldnt control my breath, it didnt even felt like theres an air taking in, i urinate blood shot, the pain rendered me so numb i couldnt even control whats leaking out from it, i couldnt process anything i forced myself to eat, its like whatever im taking in was clogged and never went through no matter how long the time has passed, i even felt more relief throwing it all up along the blood clot that i didnt even know happening inside my stomach. i couldnt feel an inch of what i know was my body except the pain that kept reminding me that im still conscious enough to even think as if god was telling me you get what you asked for so now show me.

I couldnt bear hearing my parents woes screaming at the medics to transplant whatever i need from them when they refused to act without further checkups on my body. I couldnt bear hearing them cry saying why cant it be them instead over and over and over that tore my heart to shreds im so sick of it.

I couldnt bear knowing my parents spent their whole fortune to save a life that i so easily throw away just cause.

Worse that i couldnt end myself anymore knowing everything had done to safe this very life that was mine.

And i dont think its only mine at this point.

I dont know how long of whats left of me; they said even if my body able to stop making more of these, it wont ignore the damage on the tissue that was caused from their previous ones. All i could do was giving it time and ease the work that it might need to heal. Worst case it doesnt recover and led to an organ failure, where i could start the countdown since a transplant would only mean a meager of bought time.

And god doesnt seem finished yet; cs now i got myself indebted to the people that holds me dear, i got myself an actual stable job in a company that took care of me and my future (if i get that far) family akin to what my dad did, i got myself cleared from various things that would have troubled me prior all this, and more as if god is trying to test me still with whatever he wanted from me.

Welp i think i should stop it here cs i kept editing it over and over and i felt like some are better to be kept private, but i just want to share this bit so that maybe others like me who might read this would be more kind to themself and cherish whatever theirs with their own ways.

And maybe the fact that you cant refuse the love others gave you no matter how you refuse it with all your might. You might not love yourself but others do, and they love you more than you do, than you ever will give yourself to. You might not realize that you are loved until you are forced to realize that you are loved by things you refused to acknowledge your whole life in denial to.

So please live; cs maybe there will be a time where its our turn to be there for someone else or someone we love when the time comes, or at least thats what i wanna do if i ever get to be one after experiencing all of this.

Or maybe im just dumb and this is yet another bullshit that only i can relate to.

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Dive.

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All my previous rant is a bullshit. Because i decided to resign after all. All of this is just too much. It really does. I hope my resignation letter would be kindly granted so i could leave my post as soon and as proper as possible. Hopeful but finger crossed.

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Yesterday i got the chance to talk to my old close (?) friend, my college old friend. Idk if i could call him an old friend but its been 3 years—i think—since we last had a real conversation other than those in the group chats. Well its not a real conversation either cs we could only talk by a video call since we live in a different time zone now. Its really nice of him to let me bother his time cs im the one who asked if we could set a time to talk. I jokingly asked his wife to let me borrow him for minute to talk and she said you can have him as long as you need him to and we just laughed. Maybe she knew of me from him, or maybe he had told her that im going to call him for smth, well idk. But whats clear was that i need his point of view on my problem. I know its rare for me to tell someone about whats going on with my life and he does know that as well so maybe thats why he told me that he got all the time in the world for his brother (?)—that was an exaggeration coming for him, really—and im so grateful for it. Then we talk, we laugh, we annoy each other, just like we used to back then in college. He gave me advices, encouragements, and support. I almost cried for a sec but im just too ashamed to do so, not in front of him—well i do now—it has been to much lately. Im just so lost. Idk why i choose to talk to him tbh. Maybe cs by chance the other day he text me "how's life?" and i give in. I just have the feeling that he wont mind. After all i know who he is, his other faces. And he know who i am, my other faces as well. In a good way, i mean. We all had our share of what we had to hide from the world. I just know about it back then was also by chance, cs we spent our college time mostly hand in hand. Sometimes i deal with his, cs he cant put off his mask. And the same goes with me when i cant put off my mask. And obviously he was the only friend from my college days who still personally text me from time to time. Im so grateful for him. Now my resolve was clear. I just had to do it. I just had to try it. If its still the same then so be it. Life wont ever be so kind after all. So i might as well be damned with it.

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So this is how its feels like to be haunted by work. Feeling so restless that i cant sleep even when i had forced myself to in every way possible like how i used to. I really dont know if im literally sick atm but my entire body has been feeling like at a constant of burning up all the time and i haven't got an enjoyable sleep for the past 3 or 4 days now. I dont know where to vent all these things around me. It made me want to rethink again what my aim what my rules on what to do and how to proceed. This is my first time buying a sleeping pills and consuming one. I really dont know what to do. I just want to be okay. Or for tomorrow at least. I really dont know.

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I have been using blloc for 3 months now and im still so in love with the way it redesign my home screen. Though yes i still hope they could fix some little things to make it perfect but nothing's perfect, no? I hope they could get all the love they deserve so they know that people like me really loves their product and though it unlikely i hope they could make one for iphones as well in the future.

Im also thankful for tanida-san for her permission to let me use her work as my wallpaper. Its sad that her twitter disappeared last week and though it might be selfish of me to hope that she was okay and safe when she might not, but i still hope so. I just wish for her safety and good well being.

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really cant tell why suicidal songs is popular, whether its just sounds too damn good or just people painfully relates to them. i listen just for a pleasure to my ears tbh, but why am i crying for real lmao stop.

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do all companies really expected their employees to work even outside the working hours? or is it just startups? yes i know that everything needs to be done and we should strive to be on point with our time management, but what can i do if there was just no time at all? like exactly all day long? do they expected me to juggle meetings which im supposed to lead with some other work simultaneously for real? im actually doing an entirely different job desk that im told to do when i just got in. all because their lack of resources and money to employ a specific person that should be the one to handle it. im actually under paid now that i got to do these tremendous other things. whats worse was that this other things is not even my field of expertise. this lady told me that i should prepare things before starting the sprint. this other lady told me that i should not prepare things like novels. and this guy told me i should confirmed things before i assigned the list. all that with a preparation in spans of one day while i should be leading other things within the same day. and they know it. and they still said it. again and again. sprint after sprints. well i could but that means that im working all week days week ends. i could shut their fucking mouths but its just not worth it. this other lady just shove what should be her job to me and just ask me whenever she needs it. and also shove the blame to me if the directives showed their disappoints. my only shield was my dept PM and senior manager who was just as tired as i am. but lately they were getting fed up as well with it. i told them that this is not my job. not what i had signed for. i didnt even get the chance to start what was the core reason that im applying here back then. yes its great that now im actually in line with what my expertise for, but why am i ended up working these other things? look; all the best plan for me to build a good relationship with other employees was by starting with a good impressions and im sure that i could make that start, but now that im assigned with things that was so out of place from the start then how am i supposed to make that happen? im so mad with all these things but i just cant let it rampant in the wrong place, no? i dont think of renewing my contract at the end of the year even if this place is so promising for my career path, not with these kind of board management, not even if they offer me another just because the want me to make the things that they want out of me to compete with their current problematic partners. i always said to them, even one of the directives, let me make it, let me started it, and not these other things. you can decide whether or not of value the thing was after you see them first, so just let me started them first. but they chose to say no, and that what disappointed me the most. they said if i want to then they suggested me to make it underground. but why the fuck am i doing underground work that im not being paid for which they did not even see value at all? while this other guy always sure to brought up what i want to make as something im in debt for them. like where the fuck is the logic behind that debt came from? i came here for making those and im ready whenever to make those. but they chose to shove other things at me when i didnt even get to start it and now all of the sudden it my fucking debt? am i looked like neglecting those? as if. if it really is then let me pay those fucking debts now so let me off these other things that i couldnt care what for.

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lets just do my utmost best for this year as well.

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i want to buy a city bike. lets do our research eyy.

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today i got another example of why i should just try to do my best and stop overthinking things that would just drag me deeper in this rabbit hole of anxiety. so; earlier this week, i got assigned to join my PM on a meeting to clear things up for our out coming PoC. the meeting has already been arranged since 2 weeks prior cs the time difference between our time and montreal was quite the hinder for both side to compromise. its clear that we should make good use out of it cs anything left unclear would just mean that things would be put on hold till next year.

well; that was the catch but, on the day of the meeting, my PM told me that he was feeling sick and was on nebulizer atm so he told me to take the lead. of course i said roger that and please let me try, but in all honesty, i was trying to face the unknown. i mean; i was about 3 weeks in, i spent my first week on having a handover from they guy who would resign his post, then spent the next week on learning product knowledge, and this week—the third week—right from the bat i was asked to lead an important meeting. also of course; no, not that im making an excuse or seeking for one. im aware that i do know the basic and gist of the scope, but what i didnt know of is the background of this PoC. i just got the brief that it was about the planned integration of our system to their system and we are trying to make sure that it could work by having this meeting. fuck it—i said to myself—i should just try it first cs theres no way i would know things if i didnt try them first and just go with it. 20 minutes in, all went well. i got what he meant from his demo/guide to the integration, but then our IT—who also joined the meeting—sent me his questions by chat so that i could ask them in their stead. here comes the problem; theres a question from him that i didnt know of yet cs its related to our previous project—which obviously takes place way before i got to join the company—and i didnt know where to start with that question. theres quite the awkward silence, and since it was supposed to be on me—by my natural fear if i fuck things up in this important meeting—i started to stutter. oh fuck—i said to myself—i lost my composure, i failed to take the lead. then my PM tried to help me by explaining things by chat—bombarding, to be exact—which was not helpful at all cs my mind was done at that point as my head was filled with oh fuck i failed im doomed the face of our company is on shambles bcs of me blablargh. then i tried to ask them at some point—stuttered—which didnt quite received well by the opposition. at this point my PM chatted me “calm down”; which i replied “give me a sec”, “thank you but im sorry”. then my PM take off his nebulizer and take the lead. 15 minutes later; its done, with uncleared things. we were forced to arrange later meeting when both side got their time on the table. later on, i just got to know by chance that our high ups was also listening to the meeting but by using a separate meet link that was linked to my PM mics. my hells all breaks loose, i spent the rest of the day with headache and a constant silent screams. hm.

later that night; of course by my natural fear of things, i succumbed myself deep in anxiety. from how the next friday would be when it was scheduled for our weekly meet. to how hard i think it was for the sales to catch this foreign client just for me to fuck it up messily. to what should i do if we couldnt get the PoC working by the end of the year. to how busy everyone will be cs next week was our scheduled time for the yearly report to be finalized. to every little things that was fucked up bcs of me. to my own reminder that last week my dad was feeling sick—not covid—but still forcing himself to work instead of going to the hospital for check up. i hate myself more at that point.

later on the next day; i asked my PM, “am i in trouble?”. im prepared for the answer, i just cant help myself not to ask it just for fulfilling my anxiety or tbh to justify my own failure. which he replied; “not at all” “but calm down” “im sorry that im in a bad shape yesterday”, which i replied “im sorry”, with lots of crying emojis cs i dont want to make things even more awkward between us when he told me to just be informal with him when i kept using formal touch in between our talks. he just want to be that guy that his coworker could just laugh when they want to laugh and serious when its needed at times. he also laughs it off and we go on. i felt a bit relieved. but of course the anxiety was there. it persist. later after work; i called my dad, i asked him whether he had done his check up or not. which he said that its okay, that hes okay now, he was just tired that day and his old body just acting up. i kept telling him to just go to the hospital asap when its ever occured again, which he laugh it off. and of course i told him about it cs he somehow sense it out of me. he said “dont be so hard on yourself” “you did your best didnt you” “you did try instead of turning your back didnt you” “its okay to feel that way but that means you know wheres youre lacking at now didnt you” “you got to know whats to improve” “you got to try and face another problem on your way” “think more about the benefit of improvement than thinking the endless bad things out from it” “dont keep them on and brush it off” “now have you had dinner yet? if you havent then order some, order something expensive to treat yourself from trying your best about it then get some good sleep” “it will be okay” “now get your dinner”. so then, i had mine. it was delicious; and of course i cant sleep that well, its a different case than just having a simple dinner, but i got to sleep anyway.

fast foward to this day; our weekly meet, we talk about a lot of things but none of it was about my messed up on lead. she just said that lets do our best again next week, dont stay up late and take your rest properly. idk why; but maybe she had done her talk with my PM about it or about why did he got in such a bad shape that day without me knowing obviously its their talk and not mine. i didnt get the hard slap that i expected. well; maybe its still there, but just on due lmao. its okay. i want to believe that its okay. cs; it is, okay. lets just try our best, me. believe. its our power that no one could do, to ourself, cs we had to believe in ourself first before letting them believe in us. you had to believe in me, i got to believe in you. believe. lets try this.

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My goal for now is to save enough for me to rent a bigger room—an apartment with a big window is the ideal—for me to be able to provide a decent space for my cat and the next cat that im going to adopt in the future. I think its quite simple to achieve and not so stretching that barrier of possibility. Though idk how long will it takes for me to save such sums; but yeah, lets try.