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my dad died

why does it not feel real yet

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Darren Criss | Balmain’s IG Livestream (04-24-20) | Donate

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One notable character is first-time director Raymond Ainsley as portrayed by Darren Criss. Similar to the actor, Raymond is a white-passing half-Filipino who “aspires to broaden the stories Hollywood tells.” The role in particular is one that seems to resonate with Darren who’s highly aware of the privileges that come with his looks despite being half-Asian himself. “[I was] eager to explore what that means for somebody who passes as white in an era where that is a socio-economic advantage,” Darren says. “What does it mean when you’re given opportunities, and what is your responsibility to the people in your life who don’t have access to those opportunities?”

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elizabethrweinberg Darren Criss for @nytimes 💫 Thanks @bethbristow!

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just a reminder that this happened

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Darren Criss - Photoshoots | 2019

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Darren Criss attends Poolside with H&M at Sparrow’s Lodge on April 13, 2019 in Palm Springs, California. (Photo by Michael Kovac/Getty Images for H&M)

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Darren Criss | Photographed by Elizabeth Weinberg for New York Times

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Darren Criss attends the 2020 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Radhika Jones at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 09, 2020 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Emma McIntyre /VF20/WireImage)

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nathanjohnsonny: @darrencriss at @elsiefest 2019 #elsiefest #darrencriss

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darrencriss: @nathanjohnsonny you’re not only one of my favorite people to drink with, you also take great photos.

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yo here it is

One brother You were born on April fool’s day. Everyone said that it was highly appropriate and a harbinger. You don’t care what people say. You have three older brothers, possibly four, you look so identical to your twin that when you are born no-body knows which one was which. You feel it is your brother Fred who is older, he is ever so slightly more dominant but you never say. You like the mystery. You have at least three older brothers, but the one you care for the most is your twin. You are close to him. You love him. He knows that so you never have to tell him. One sister Ginny breaks the tradition. You love her for that, a newborn and already a rebel; she refused to be a boy. Although you teased your younger brother, Ron by drawing eyebrows on his baby face you are protective over Ginny, she is a girl after all. You are protective over her but you want her to be like you too. While she sleeps you talk about Quidditch, you read what you can from those books. You talk about amusing hexes you have read about but were always unable to try out because your mother has taken her wand off you again. You tell her of heroic witches and wizards, you tell her stories, you hope that she will grow up like that. You love your little sister and you tell her all the time. One house. Of course you were a Gryffindor, even if you had been sorted first you would be in Gryffindor, but the moment you saw your brother get sorted there you knew you had to join him. Nobody could seperate the Weasley twins. Nobody. You got a  name for yourselves pretty sharpish, you embarrassed your brothers, Percy in particular with your antics. The oldest two were both prefects and you know Percy would be chosen come his fifth year. You don’t want to be prefect even in your first year you do not want to be prefect because you could not share it with Fred. If Fred was chosen then you did not want to be chosen and you know he feels the same way. He is your twin and you just know these things. One map You find the map during a detention. You work out how to use it. You love and cherish it. It is your prized possession. You watch people come and go, you learn passages. You find a way into Honeydukes, you send sweets back to Ginny and Ron. You tell your parents you got them as prizes in tests or competitions in comic books. They never question it. You hope they never do. Seeing Ginny’s excited replies thanking you for the sweets just makes your day; Ginny is your favourite sibling, apart from Fred of course, but that goes without saying. The map aids you in pranks and in night time excursions to get food. You find your way into the kitchens and befriend the house elves and after a while you start to contemplate adopting one so your mother could get some household help. Fred says no; that they are happier here amongst friends. You agree. One idea You forget who’s idea it is. It is probably Fred’s. He is the dominant twin. He says let’s start up our own joke shop. You agree. You begin reading up in advanced books, you perfect the spells with your brothers help. He perfects them with yours. With Lee Jordan there too you invent lists of possible new products. Prank products, skiving products. You tell no-one what you are doing. Your brother goes to Hogwarts and your mother frets over him leaving. You and Fred fret over leaving Ginny behind. You write to her much more than you did in previous years. You track Harry’s movements using the map, apart from when he is in bed. You report some of these to Ginny. She has a crush on him and to you it is adorable. You secretly wish for her to marry him one day; your family is amazing and Harry deserves something like that. You like Harry, he has befriended Ron. Though some would say that he has outshone them all by befriending the famous Harry Potter you know this to be untrue; Harry Potter will never outshine your twin. When Ginny comes to Hogwarts you are protective over her. You are so protective you don’t realise Ron and Harry are missing until Hermione brings it up. You comfort Ginny who is worrying about it. Percy is too pre-occupied with his other prefect duties to care. You mention to Fred that Percy is a pratt. Fred agrees and turns Percy’s prefect badge bright pink and make sit play Celestia Warbuck tunes. Percy writes a letter home. One fear You worry for your sister. She is scared so you try and cheer her up, not through words but through actions. It does not work. You watch her when you can and keep an eye on her. Percy does the same but it annoys you. Looking after Ginny is your role. And Fred’s role.  Not Percy’s. You hate his pompous ass sometimes; he does not care for Ginny as much as you do. The she gets taken down into the chamber and you are scared. You never had to deal with loss. You realise how precious your little sister is to you. You stay close to your twin. You cannot bear to move from him. You are scared. You want to ask for help. You want to say something. You look over at Harry and you long to ask how to cope with loss. But you cant instead you go to bed. You know Fred is crying under his covers. You know it because you are doing the same. Harry Potter saves her. You love him for that. You stalk Ginny a bit until she tells you to back off. You do so. You see how strong she is and you know how she is a true Gryffindor. She is probably braver than all the rest of you put together. But still you never talk about that time.  She is strong but she is still your little sister. One scrawny little git. The dementors make you think of Ginny. The entrance of Malfoy makes you think of curses. You are not particularly cruel, though some of your pranks can go too far ( you still feel guilty over the whole teddy bear spider incident) you are not cruel. But Malfoy, the arrogant little swine comes in screaming and you let him stay even though fighting the urge to throw him out. He leaves as soon as possible but for once offers no cruel words. You hope that maybe this  is a sign of change. Hours later you realise you are wrong when he mocks Harry. The Scrawny little git. One thousand Galleons You hated Diggory for a while; you had a tendency to hold a grudge but still despite your hatred tears still prick your eyes when you learn of his death. Of course you believe Harry, after al this time how could you not? You support him in your own way, you stay by his side and watch him n your jokey way. He is probably watching you now that you gave him that map ( a map you gave him as a way of saying thank you for saving your little sister but no-one else apart from Fred knows that).  And of course, Harry being Harry gives you all his winning. You get a chance at your dream business. You just have to buy Ron some new dress robes first. You agree to that; even though he was your brother you could not mock him for his awful dress robes; it seemed too cruel.  One thousand Galleons, your family has never seen so much in your life. You both think about giving it to your parents but you realise they would force it back on harry. You keep it. You start planning your business for real. You keep one Galleon back and throw it in a wishing well. You wish for Ginny to marry Harry. You really want Harry to be a part of the Wesley family. One shop The shop is bought soonish but you still return to Hogwarts and you realise how unlike Hogwarts it is as the months progress you care less and less for discipline. You join a rebellion and learn practical magic, magic that the toad won’t allow you to use. You perfect the patronus charm; yours is exactly like Fred’s. You are not surprised. Sure enough you are found out, you escape punishment. Only Harry is discovered and he gives no information. You like Hogwarts less and less under Umbridge’s rule. And so you cause more havoc until one day you decide to leave but not before leaving your mark. And by leaving a mark you leave a swamp. You make sure peeves upholds your legacy and he does so with pride. Your friends and admirers (and fan club; your departure has earned you a fan club) keep you updated with all the news. And you smile; the Weasleys were always going to be a legend now. Your business explodes, rather like your fireworks. Business booms and you love it. You are making a name for yourself for your family. No longer are you the blood traitor family (a title you wear with pride) but now you are the family that own an amazingly successful joke shop. You are the family that supply the ministry with defensive gear. You see the seriousness of the war and as well as using your products to give people a little joy within all the fear you also produce things  to help them out f ever they need it. Things are not always fun and games with you even if it does seem that way. Of course as a protective big brother you warn Ginny away from the love potions, but you give her the Pygmy Puff for free. It is not as though you disapprove of Dean Thomas but you would prefer it if she dated Harry. You see Harry stare at her in the shop for a moment and you wonder if your Galleon wish came true, you see him stare more at Christmas. It is Ron who tells you about the fact that Ginny is dating Harry and you could not be happier. You know how much Ginny has wanted this and you smile You love seeing her happy. You watch her at Dumbledore’s funeral; you know you should be amazed at her strength but you are not; all along you knew she was strong. She is a Weasley and a Gryffindor after all. One ear Even though you are both transformed into Harry Potter, along with five others you know exactly which one is Fred. Even when you are all in the same clothes you know which one is Fred. After all as twins you have that unspoken connection. You are to be split up, obviously, and you wont say anything but you are worried. You are about to go into battle and you do not have your strongest supporter right by your side. You hope fed will be okay. He has to be. You fight. Snape is there, and then nothing, you feel consciousness leave you and you call for Fred. But then again you also don’t want him there; you know how much it will hurt him seeing you like this. You are conflicted ad you cling to Remus as he supports you. You cling to him still when he puts you on the sofa at long last. Things are a blur until Fred comes ad you finally smile and make a joke. The worst one you can think of. You see him smile and you know it will be okay. So long as he is there it is going to be okay. One twin After the ministry falls you start up Potterwatch with Lee Jordan. You guest star a lot. You listen for rumours of Harry’s whereabouts. You are there to give people hope and sometimes some amusement. You run the business as much as you can. But you sense times are getting worse. When the family is in danger you move out of your store and into your Aunt’s house. The business is run from there. You are never found. When the call comes you go to fight. You do so valiantly. You guard the passages with the bravery of your house. Your twin is by your side. You look at him. He looks back. Only recently your family became complete again as Percy finally returned. You welcomed him with open arms. And then it happens. You lose yourself. You lose everything. Something suddenly becomes missing. You see it. You want to wake up. It has to be a nightmare. It has to be a Boggart. There must be a Boggart because it can't be true. You see yourself on the ground, only you are wearing different clothes and you have both ears. It is not you, but then again it also is. It is Fred. You lost Fred. You lost Fred. And you have lost yourself too. He had died laughing. He died laughing with Percy and not with you. You don’t quite know how to go on, but someone drags you away. You fight for him to avenge him. You care about nothing else. One smile You can’t smile when Voldemort is defeated. You steer away from the celebrations. You hide yourself from the world and instead go to the swamp that you and Fred left behind. Under Flitwick’s work it had all but vanished, but as a tribute he had left a small corner. You go there and stare, in the small pool of water you see your reflection. No; you see Fred. You hear a voice. You ignore. “It was a fine bit of magic” you hear him squeak. His tiny hand is on your shoulder for a few moments before he moves on. No-one else comes by. You join your family shortly. Ginny moves from her mother to you. She does not need you but she knows you need her. You don’t take anything from Fred. You shared everything so it would not feel any different. And besides every mirror or reflective surface reminded you of Fred. You hate it. You cannot go anywhere without feeling that sickening jolt of defeat. You want to become reclusive but you know your family won’t allow that. You both love and hate them for it. When you look in the mirror now you no longer see your missing ear but your missing twin. Weeks pass and you finally go home to your flat above your store. You move into Fred’s room. You find his note book. You flick through it and see his handwriting, his ideas. You know all of them. He had no secrets from you. You look in his mirror. You remember him saying he was the more attractive one (your lack of an ear made that easy) you walk over and stare at your reflection. You see Fred and not George there. “You okay Georgie?” you remember him saying. You shake your head. “I’m holy.” You say. Not because of the ear, but because of the hole in your life left by your twin. One stone You read that copy of Beedle the Bard. YOu remember the ressureaction stone. You begin to look for it, you hear rumours tha tit is in Hogwarts and you travel there turning over every stone hoping to see him again. YOu look likea fool. You are a fool. But you dont care, you miss your twin. YOu need to see him again, you need to actually talk to him and not to have to imagine his responce. You need to tell him good bye. You need one moment more. YOu know it wont bring him back fully but you dont care you just want something.......more. You just want something, anything. Anything was better than they nothing you got left with. In the end you just take a stone and stare at your reflection. You realise that that is all you have left of him. A reflection of yourself. Just like how you grew up, a relfection of each other One picture You see his magenta robes hanging up in the store. You don’t move them. Instead you use it as a memorial to him. You need a picture but after days of searching you can’t find one. Yes there are lots of him, but in all the pictures of him you are there too. You should not be in the picture you are not dead (although you wish you were that way you could be with Fred). You look through every photo you can find but you are in all of them. A photo of Fred without George does not exist you realise. Nor does a picture of George without Fred. So you make one; you put on an extendable ear and you take a picture. You realise how ridiculous you look and you laugh, you laugh so hard at how stupid the picture is. And then you cry; you cry because you miss your twin. You cry because you were laughing. You cry because you are feeling happiness when you should be in complete misery. You cry because there is now a picture of George without Fred and you realise it is going to be the first of many. You do not use the picture. You don’t use any picture. If people want to know what Fred looked like they can just look at you. One mirror You used to think that when you found the mirror of Erised you would see just you. You grew up very happy. You had a loving family and you had a twin. You grew up with someone who knew you exactly and you loved that. The money issues never worried you too much as you always got by. You appreciated everything you had and everything your mother did for you. When business starts doing well you lavish her with expansive gifts on any occasion. You love her, and you sort of feel guilty for all your pranks. You never found that mirror. Every mirror was now that Mirror. You look in there and you see Fred. And seeing him again alive is the greatest desire of your heart. And you know that. You don’t need some enchanted mirror to know that. Half alive You are never going to be the same. There is always going to be a part of you missing. A huge part. As identical twins you started off as one life. It basically means you are the same person and with him gone it means you are half a person now. There is always going to be a heaviness in your chest. You will always wake up and for a moment not feel so bad until you remember how much you have lost. You have lost yourself. You can no longer produce a patronus charm. You have tried but failed. You just can’t think of anything happy enough. And so you return to your business and you pretend. You pretend to be getting better. You pretend that when you brush against Fred robes you brush against him. It is all you have left. But you do care. You care so much that you feel that you might bleed from the pain of it

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